xp_logs | Kurt and Jack Leary, Friday afternoon (Reply)

Kurt has another therapy session, which proves productive.

Jack took a sip of his coffee, watching the blue man situate himself in one of the over sized armchairs. This was the pair's first meeting since Kurt's return to Germany and Jack was a little apprehensive about how the trip had affected him. While Kurt had made progress in the regular sessions they'd been having, Jack also knew that this was a vulnerable time for him. "It's good to see you again Kurt," he said. "How have things been going?

Kurt took a moment before answering, wanting to be honest, but... it wasn't the easiest question, right now. "They.. .have been considerably better. My visit to the clan did not end well."
"I'm very sorry to hear that," Jack replied. "Is that something you'd like to discuss today?"
He swallowed, looking away. "I... I think it must be. I am no longer Szardos, you see."
"You will have to excuse my ignorance Kurt, but I will need you to explain further. How can you not be a Szardos anymore?" Jack reached out for the notepad laying on the table next to him. He generally tried to avoid taking notes except during history taking, but he had feeling he would need to jot a few notes to keep things straight in his mind.
"There is... a ritual", Kurt said slowly. "There are many, my... the people have ceremonies for most parts of life. This one is for banishment. Margali did not tell Stefan before he brought me back, but when we got there..."
Jack nodded, understanding what Kurt was saying. "That must have been very difficult. Especially with no warning."
"She did not wish it to be easy, I think", he said quietly. "It was my punishment, after all."
"Your punishment?" Jack asked, keeping his voice neutral.
"She knew, somehow", Kurt answered, looking down. "That... I had helped Mystique. For her, it was a betrayal."
"That is how she viewed it. What about you?" Jack set the notepad down, focusing his full attention on the man in front of him.
"...I did not mean to betray her", he said miserably, still not looking up. "I did not mean to betray anyone. But it was what I had to do."
"Do you feel bad because you believe you betrayed them?" Jack asked. "Or do you feel bad because they believe you betrayed them?" It was a slight distinction to make, but an important one.
"I feel bad", he said, voice strengthening, "because I did what was necessary and for it I lost everything. And they - not they, Stefan I think is still with me as far as he can be - Margali believes I betrayed her."
"And what do you believe?" Jack asked holding his hands open in front of him. "Beyond that you did what needed to be done. What do you think of her actions?"
"She has always been as hard as she needed to be, in her position", Kurt said with a frown. "But it has been... more so, of late. Perhaps since she cast out my sister, or before. It is hard to say, I did not speak with her as much as perhaps I should have done, in the last few months." It was only a half-conscious decision that Amanda was the only one he was still referring to as family.
"It sounds as though you are trying to justify her decision to yourself," Jack said, raising an eyebrow at his usually taciturn client.
"She was the only mother I knew for most of my life", he said defensively. "It is not so simple."
"It isn't," Jack agreed. "In fact, it is rather complicated. That is what I want you to realize, to explore in yourself. What does it mean for you, Kurt, to have your mother figure do this to you?"
"It means", he started uncertainly, "...it means that I am alone, save for my sister, and those here. That I must find... my own life."

"And how will that be different from before?" Jack asked.

"I have never been alone, not truly. Even when I was here, far from the clan, I was still of them... until now."

"So you had this sense of belonging, of being a Szardos. And now that's gone?" Jack said before picking up his coffee for another sip.

"It is complicated. I was one of them, but... apart, by my name and my mutations. But now I no longer have even that."

Jack nodded, leaning back in his chair. "So you never felt completely accepted by them, but at least you had some connection before, that has now been taken from you. Is that right?"

"That is... more or less right, yes. And it was not their fault that I felt set apart. Not Margali's, Stefan's or Jimaine's, at least. They gave me the name my mother told them to, before she left. And they could not help the feelings of others in the clan. But it is all no matter, now. All that is gone."

"Is it really no matter Kurt? Is it really gone? It doesn't feel that way, from how you are talking about it," Jack said.

"There is nothing to be done about it", Kurt said flatly. "You wished to understand, so I told. But now I must find how to go forward."

"I did not mean to offend you. I am truly trying to understand the full picture and I must admit this is new ground for me." Jack paused. "What do you hope to get from moving forward?"

"You did not offend me", came the quiet assurance. "And... what anyone hopes, I suppose. I cannot go back, so I must go on... find something else for my life."

"Something else?" Jack queried quietly. "What of your sister? Or the school? The team?"

"My sister will be part of that something. As for the school, I think so, and the team, I hope so, but... I have been rethinking a great many things."

"Rethinking things how?" Jack asked, no judgement in his voice, just a hint of open and honest curiosity.

That note in his voice was no more than Kurt had come to expect, in their sessions. "I... think I cannot go back to doing things as I was. It did not lead to anything good."

"So you see yourself as needing a change, to have a different effect on what's going on in your life," Jack said. "So if you cannot do things the same, how can you do them differently?"

"That is what I must still decide", Kurt said quietly. "I think... seeing you is a start."

Jack nodded. "It can be. We can use our time to help you explore the options you have available to you." Jack paused and cocked his head. "I wonder Kurt if you realize that you have options. That there isn't one right path, that you have a wealth of choices ahead of you."

Kurt laughed a little, ironically. "Oh, yes, I know. One door closes behind me, but that just opens the world. And I... find I do not have the slightest idea where to go from here, if I do not stay."

"So are you staying because you don't know what else to do? Or do you feel it is something you truly want?" Jack asked.

"I am here to decide what to do. It may be that will be staying", was the explanation. "But for now... I do not know, and I have nowhere else to go."

Shifting slightly in his seat, Jack thought for a moment before responding. "Then you feel stuck here until you figure out what it is you want to do. So what will it take to do that?"

"It is not that I do not like being here", Kurt said quickly. "And I do not know. There is also the problem of finding somewhere else safe for one who looks like me."

"That is a rather difficult burden that you have to add on to everything else going on with you. I'm sorry that has to factor into your decision of where to go," Jack said.

"It cannot be helped." He smiled crookedly. "Amanda has spoken of Brighton in the past as an accepting city. So perhaps there is one other place."

"And I am sure there are more. But that is something we can do here too, if you would like. Investigate places you would feel comfortable and how you can feel safe wherever you decide to end up," Jack said, smiling back at Kurt.