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xp_logs2005-10-19 04:34 pm
x-icarus.livejournal.com) wrote in xp_logs2005-10-19 04:34 pm
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Jay & Forge, Wednesday afternoon
After a few days of silence, Jay and Forge finally talk again. They're both massive idiots but they make up and move on.
Forge muscled the small suitcase out the door of his room into the suite's common area. Walking was easier when he had something to lean on, but the constant numbness of his left leg was a distraction with each step. He knew instinctively it was something with feedback, but there the idea stopped.
Reaching for where he'd left his laptop to check itinerary times for his flight, Forge paused, catching a glimpse of red feathers in the kitchenette. Oh, this is going to be awkward, isn't it?, he thought, before clearing his throat loudly.
Jay turned around when he heard the sound, a spoonful of pudding in his mouth. His eyes narrowed at Forge, not quite a glare, but almost. "You leavin'?" he asked curtly, the first words he'd exchanged with Forge since their row in the medlab a couple of days ago.
"Tomorrow morning," Forge said softly. "Going to go spend some time with my parents in Dallas. I just need some time to..." Wait, why was he explaining to Jay? Last he'd remembered, his roommate had pretty much told him to piss off and go to hell. "Yeah, I'm going. Just for a few days. Don't think I'm ready to bail just yet."
Jay just grunted, his concentration returning to his pudding. He wondered what would happen if he just abandoned his snack, opened his window, and flew away. The last thing he was in the mood for was talking to Forge. If the arrogant jerk didn't appreciate their friendship, then Jay didn't want it. Or so he'd told Kyle.
Rechecking the itinerary, Forge stood quietly, tapping his fingers against the side of the laptop. Jay's silent presence was like a big red albatross in the room, practically filling every available space and unable to ignore.
Finally unable to bear it, Forge pushed away from the small table, pointing a finger at Jay. "I don't know where you get off being angry at me. I'm the one who just went through half a month of the worst shit I've ever been through in my life, and I don't know if I'm ever going to be normal again, and you're pissed at me for it? What the hell, Jay? What the hell?"
Jay tossed the empty cup into the trash and put his spoon down before advancing slowly on Forge. Now he was glaring. "Because you're so damn convinced that no one gives a shit that you're blinder than a bat! Ah mean, what'm Ah to you? A roommate? A peer? A friend? Somethin' else? And you're about ta give all that up why?"
"I know people give a shit, okay?" Forge shouted back, not caring who heard. "It's just... would your friends be enough for you to still feel like yourself if you couldn't fly? If you couldn't sing or play your music? If the things in this world that you were best at, you just up and lost, you're telling me a few kind words would just make it okay?"
Forge leaned against the wall, slowly sliding down to sit on the floor. "I don't want to leave here. I want everything to be the way it was."
"You're forgettin' Ah'm the fella who got killed nearly twice. Ah ain't no stranger ta kind words and sympathy." Jay stayed where he was, unwilling to take another step forward for fear he'd either hit Forge or hug him. Probably both. "Lord knows life ain't never the same after bad stuff happens. And it ain't okay, and Ah know that. But Ah wasn't offerin' empty platitudes, jackass."
"I don't want anyone to understand," Forge crowed, "because that means they know what it's like and for god's sake, I don't wish this on anyone." He punched the floor weakly, frustration evident in his every movement until he looked up at Jay with red eyes. "Was this what it was like for you, after Kevin? Just wanting everything to go away?"
"Yes," Jay admitted quietly, finding his fervor gone at the sight of Forge's bloodshot eyes. He took a step back, as if getting too close to Forge would hurt one of them. "Ah tried ta kill mahself. All night long Ah tried. But Ah just kept healin' and healin' . . . eventually, Mama found me and stopped me." He closed his eyes, recalling the distant memory he'd managed to file away. He could feel the sharp, rotting wood of the fencepost plunging into his gut, followed by the quick regeneration of muscle, organs, and skin.
"Ah know we ain't been through the same things, but the feelin's we have afterwards . . . them Ah know."
Forge nodded. "I feel... lost. Out of control. Everyone's telling me things *could* get better but no one knows when." He sighed. "It's why I told everyone what I did. Control, I think. I wanted people to feel something besides pity, even if it was disgust or hate. I don't think I could take pity. Not anymore."
Jay looked down, his long hair falling over his face, and rubbed his stomach with both hands, starting to feel a little queasy. "Ah never pitied you. Pity's worse than hate, Ah think. You know exactly how Ah feel about you."
Nodding sadly, Forge looked away. "I know. And I understand things a little better now. I should have been more honest with you before, but I wasn't exactly sure of things myself. Now it's..." Pushing off the wall, Forge rose to his feet, standing across the kitchenette from Jay. "I care about you, Jay. You're my friend. I like seeing you happy, I don't like it when you're upset. I like hanging out with you, talking to you, bullshitting about anything. More than that... there really isn't more than that to me. You're my friend, and it's as simple as that to me."
Jay nodded, still staring intently on his bare feet. "Ah know. It's . . . it took me a long time ta accept that. Hell, Ah dunno if Ah really have. But Ah know whatcha feel and Ah ain't ever gonna do somethin' ta ruin that. But even if Ah didn't feel so? Ah still wouldn't pity you. You're a powerful fuck-up, but then who isn't?"
Forge smirked slightly. "Kyle? He's too much of a goofball to really fuck anything up yet."
"Ah'm sure he'll prove ya wrong," replied Jay, rolling his eyes. Looking up and brushing his hair away from his face, he returned the smirk. "Has anyone given you shit about your history? Ah kinda avoided that post," he admitted.
"Not so you'd notice," Forge said, shaking his head. "Shiro thinks I shouldn't be trusted, but as we all know, Shiro's an ass just to be an ass half the time. Terry used the whole thing as an excuse to bitch at her dad, and most everyone else, well... no one's trying to say they understand. I appreciate that. But at the same time, they're most of them looking at me for who I am now, not what I did then. That's why I realized I was being stupid about the whole thing."
"And if you'd just listened ta me in the first place, you'd've come ta that realization much sooner. So, ya need help with any of that stuff?" Jay asked, pointing his thumb at Forge's luggage.
"I will in the morning," Forge said, barely hiding a yawn behind his hand. "Holy crap, this is what it feels like to get tired before two a.m.? How do you people cope with having to sleep a third of the day? I keep getting worried I'm gonna miss something."
Forge muscled the small suitcase out the door of his room into the suite's common area. Walking was easier when he had something to lean on, but the constant numbness of his left leg was a distraction with each step. He knew instinctively it was something with feedback, but there the idea stopped.
Reaching for where he'd left his laptop to check itinerary times for his flight, Forge paused, catching a glimpse of red feathers in the kitchenette. Oh, this is going to be awkward, isn't it?, he thought, before clearing his throat loudly.
Jay turned around when he heard the sound, a spoonful of pudding in his mouth. His eyes narrowed at Forge, not quite a glare, but almost. "You leavin'?" he asked curtly, the first words he'd exchanged with Forge since their row in the medlab a couple of days ago.
"Tomorrow morning," Forge said softly. "Going to go spend some time with my parents in Dallas. I just need some time to..." Wait, why was he explaining to Jay? Last he'd remembered, his roommate had pretty much told him to piss off and go to hell. "Yeah, I'm going. Just for a few days. Don't think I'm ready to bail just yet."
Jay just grunted, his concentration returning to his pudding. He wondered what would happen if he just abandoned his snack, opened his window, and flew away. The last thing he was in the mood for was talking to Forge. If the arrogant jerk didn't appreciate their friendship, then Jay didn't want it. Or so he'd told Kyle.
Rechecking the itinerary, Forge stood quietly, tapping his fingers against the side of the laptop. Jay's silent presence was like a big red albatross in the room, practically filling every available space and unable to ignore.
Finally unable to bear it, Forge pushed away from the small table, pointing a finger at Jay. "I don't know where you get off being angry at me. I'm the one who just went through half a month of the worst shit I've ever been through in my life, and I don't know if I'm ever going to be normal again, and you're pissed at me for it? What the hell, Jay? What the hell?"
Jay tossed the empty cup into the trash and put his spoon down before advancing slowly on Forge. Now he was glaring. "Because you're so damn convinced that no one gives a shit that you're blinder than a bat! Ah mean, what'm Ah to you? A roommate? A peer? A friend? Somethin' else? And you're about ta give all that up why?"
"I know people give a shit, okay?" Forge shouted back, not caring who heard. "It's just... would your friends be enough for you to still feel like yourself if you couldn't fly? If you couldn't sing or play your music? If the things in this world that you were best at, you just up and lost, you're telling me a few kind words would just make it okay?"
Forge leaned against the wall, slowly sliding down to sit on the floor. "I don't want to leave here. I want everything to be the way it was."
"You're forgettin' Ah'm the fella who got killed nearly twice. Ah ain't no stranger ta kind words and sympathy." Jay stayed where he was, unwilling to take another step forward for fear he'd either hit Forge or hug him. Probably both. "Lord knows life ain't never the same after bad stuff happens. And it ain't okay, and Ah know that. But Ah wasn't offerin' empty platitudes, jackass."
"I don't want anyone to understand," Forge crowed, "because that means they know what it's like and for god's sake, I don't wish this on anyone." He punched the floor weakly, frustration evident in his every movement until he looked up at Jay with red eyes. "Was this what it was like for you, after Kevin? Just wanting everything to go away?"
"Yes," Jay admitted quietly, finding his fervor gone at the sight of Forge's bloodshot eyes. He took a step back, as if getting too close to Forge would hurt one of them. "Ah tried ta kill mahself. All night long Ah tried. But Ah just kept healin' and healin' . . . eventually, Mama found me and stopped me." He closed his eyes, recalling the distant memory he'd managed to file away. He could feel the sharp, rotting wood of the fencepost plunging into his gut, followed by the quick regeneration of muscle, organs, and skin.
"Ah know we ain't been through the same things, but the feelin's we have afterwards . . . them Ah know."
Forge nodded. "I feel... lost. Out of control. Everyone's telling me things *could* get better but no one knows when." He sighed. "It's why I told everyone what I did. Control, I think. I wanted people to feel something besides pity, even if it was disgust or hate. I don't think I could take pity. Not anymore."
Jay looked down, his long hair falling over his face, and rubbed his stomach with both hands, starting to feel a little queasy. "Ah never pitied you. Pity's worse than hate, Ah think. You know exactly how Ah feel about you."
Nodding sadly, Forge looked away. "I know. And I understand things a little better now. I should have been more honest with you before, but I wasn't exactly sure of things myself. Now it's..." Pushing off the wall, Forge rose to his feet, standing across the kitchenette from Jay. "I care about you, Jay. You're my friend. I like seeing you happy, I don't like it when you're upset. I like hanging out with you, talking to you, bullshitting about anything. More than that... there really isn't more than that to me. You're my friend, and it's as simple as that to me."
Jay nodded, still staring intently on his bare feet. "Ah know. It's . . . it took me a long time ta accept that. Hell, Ah dunno if Ah really have. But Ah know whatcha feel and Ah ain't ever gonna do somethin' ta ruin that. But even if Ah didn't feel so? Ah still wouldn't pity you. You're a powerful fuck-up, but then who isn't?"
Forge smirked slightly. "Kyle? He's too much of a goofball to really fuck anything up yet."
"Ah'm sure he'll prove ya wrong," replied Jay, rolling his eyes. Looking up and brushing his hair away from his face, he returned the smirk. "Has anyone given you shit about your history? Ah kinda avoided that post," he admitted.
"Not so you'd notice," Forge said, shaking his head. "Shiro thinks I shouldn't be trusted, but as we all know, Shiro's an ass just to be an ass half the time. Terry used the whole thing as an excuse to bitch at her dad, and most everyone else, well... no one's trying to say they understand. I appreciate that. But at the same time, they're most of them looking at me for who I am now, not what I did then. That's why I realized I was being stupid about the whole thing."
"And if you'd just listened ta me in the first place, you'd've come ta that realization much sooner. So, ya need help with any of that stuff?" Jay asked, pointing his thumb at Forge's luggage.
"I will in the morning," Forge said, barely hiding a yawn behind his hand. "Holy crap, this is what it feels like to get tired before two a.m.? How do you people cope with having to sleep a third of the day? I keep getting worried I'm gonna miss something."