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xp_logs2007-09-02 07:40 pm
x-wallflower-.livejournal.com) wrote in xp_logs2007-09-02 07:40 pm
Entry tags:
Laurie & Haller log: Aftermath
Date: Sunday 2nd September 2007 Time: 7:40pm
Haller and Laurie talk after the events of the rafting trip.
Laurie sat in one of the comfy chairs in the medlab and sipped at some hot chocolate Dr Summers-Grey had handed to her. She still felt somewhat removed from everything that had happened but at least the complete numbness and shock had disappeared. She supposed she'd have yet another thing to talk to Dr Samson about later on, and she needed to tell someone about the decision she'd come to on her powers.
She just hoped that everyone would understand, because after what had happened, she felt she had no other choice.
"Hey, Laurie."
The counselor padded through the doorway, hands in his pockets. The relaxed posture disguised the fact the leisurely pace was as much for his sake as hers peace of mind; Jean had allowed him to leave his room, but the shakiness in his legs told him not to push his luck. Affixing a slight smile, Jim gestured to the mug. "I hope they didn't give you anything from Dr. MacTaggart's stash. Can I sit?"
"I think coffee would be bad right now," Laurie said with a tentative smile. "And last time I looked, I didn't own the chairs."
It was a somewhat poor attempt at humor, but she wasn't sure what you said to someone you'd almost killed, even if the incident had been an accident and logically she knew there wasn't anything she could have done, other then being better at control, to have prevented it. But that was just it, wasn't it? If she'd had better control, if she'd worn a long sleeved shirt that day. Too many what ifs and if onlys and she felt tired and wrung out.
Jim settled into a seat beside her, folding his long hands on his knees. Not too close, so as not to scare her, but also not increasing any paranoia by allowing an empty chair to separate them. The last thing Laurie needed was reinforcement in the idea she might need to be isolated.
"It wasn't your fault," he said without preamble as he studied her profile. "That wasn't me being psychic, I just know there's no way that isn't what you're thinking about."
"It's my power, how wasn't it my fault?" Laurie asked, glancing at him as she took another sip of the hot chocolate.
Jim exhaled softly and leaned back. "Okay. In the physical sense, yeah, it was your power. But you know what I mean. Ethically, morally -- the ways that matter -- you didn't do anything wrong. You get a walk on instinctive reactions in times of stress. It's allowed." His smile was faintly ironic. "I don't think it's anything that should be held against you, anyway, and I think I would know."
Her eyebrows raised somewhat at that last statement, she wondered what had happened to Mr Haller that he would know.
"What happened?" she asked, suiting word to thought.
"Specifically, that I was the one on the receiving end of the accident. But also because you're not the only one here who's ever done something like that." Jim settled back in his chair now, but his mismatched eyes were still on Laurie's. "I'm not going to speak for anyone else here, though I know there are a couple, but I had an accident like that. I was afraid. And angry. I lost control, too. Telekinesis isn't as reversible." The telepath slid back in his seat, legs stretched far in front of him. Still holding her eyes, he dipped his head. "A while back, when I told you I had control problems -- that's how it started."
"Oh," Laurie said softly, averting her gaze for a second before meeting his eyes again. She'd promised herself that she wouldn't avoid things, and hiding behind her hair was just another avoidance. "I guess I've been feeling somewhat sorry for myself, haven't I? Did you, well, I guess you did get help. Was it hard though, to learn control?"
He shook his head. "Laurie, of all the times you should feel guilty about overreacting this isn't even close to being one of them. There's a really special kind of terror that comes from losing control of yourself." Jim relented a bit on the eye contact, focusing instead on a spot just behind her ear. "It was a little different with me. That was the first time I'd ever used the power. I didn't know there could be a good side. All I knew was that what I did could hurt people. And since I didn't want to do that again, I walled it off." He let his eyes slip to hers again. "If I were better at this I'd be giving a speech about how I overcame my fear and embraced my power, but the truth is I was so afraid of what I might do I made it so I never even gave myself the chance to learn. That's changing, but I'm not what I should be. Probably never will be."
"I'm afraid sometimes of the things I can do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't want anyone else hurting people when I could stop it either. I just, I want to be able to control when that happens." Laurie replied, pondering Haller's words.
She wondered if she should tell him about what she'd decided to do. She had a feeling that telling a teacher before she simply went and did it would be the wiser choice.
Jim nodded. "Exactly. It's important to respect what your power can do. It can be dangerous . . . just like your fist or your foot can, if you use them a certain way. But you can't let fear of what you might do rule your life." He sunk a little deeper in the chair and flashed the girl another smile. "Or you could end up like me, full of weird issues and trying to figure out how to give pep talks on stuff you have no experience with, but I try to advise the student body against perpetuating old mistakes."
"I think you do a better job with the pep talks then you think, Mr Haller. I was sure you'd not want to even be near me after," Laurie said, smiling genuinely now that she knew he wasn't going to hate her.
An eyelid flickered, and the telepath's blue eye ghosted brown. "Don't worry about it. I've survived worse." Jim let it rest at that. Still, a part of him had to smile at the absurdity of it all. It really is okay, Laurie. It was a better death than the first one.
Moving slowly, Jim gave her a gentle nudge on her shoulder with a fist. No more than a tap, but contact. He smiled again. "So, you going to be okay? Not going to live in paranoia of ever touching another human being again or shove control of your power to a corner of your mind so it can come back to smack you in the face later, or anything like that?"
"Actually, I'm going to give up the air scrubber for good." Laurie replied, somewhat shyly. She still wasn't sure what the reaction to this was going to be. "I've been trying to think of how best to tell people."
Jim's smile widened. "So you're going the opposite way, huh? Guess I bored you with a cautionary tale for nothing. Not that I'm complaining." It was an immense relief, actually, that Laurie had already decided to take control rather than shrink away. He hadn't been lying when he'd said he wanted to keep the students from repeating his mistakes. Do as I say, not as we did.
Jim pulled himself upright, his bony limbs contracting and flexing like the tines of an umbrella. "I think it's a great idea. When it comes to telling people . . . just explain to them it's something you need to do to learn control. And the risks, so they can be prepared. It's no different than what Yvette has to go through with her powers. People'll learn to adjust along with you. Besides, you're starting out with an advantage. You're among friends."
Haller and Laurie talk after the events of the rafting trip.
Laurie sat in one of the comfy chairs in the medlab and sipped at some hot chocolate Dr Summers-Grey had handed to her. She still felt somewhat removed from everything that had happened but at least the complete numbness and shock had disappeared. She supposed she'd have yet another thing to talk to Dr Samson about later on, and she needed to tell someone about the decision she'd come to on her powers.
She just hoped that everyone would understand, because after what had happened, she felt she had no other choice.
"Hey, Laurie."
The counselor padded through the doorway, hands in his pockets. The relaxed posture disguised the fact the leisurely pace was as much for his sake as hers peace of mind; Jean had allowed him to leave his room, but the shakiness in his legs told him not to push his luck. Affixing a slight smile, Jim gestured to the mug. "I hope they didn't give you anything from Dr. MacTaggart's stash. Can I sit?"
"I think coffee would be bad right now," Laurie said with a tentative smile. "And last time I looked, I didn't own the chairs."
It was a somewhat poor attempt at humor, but she wasn't sure what you said to someone you'd almost killed, even if the incident had been an accident and logically she knew there wasn't anything she could have done, other then being better at control, to have prevented it. But that was just it, wasn't it? If she'd had better control, if she'd worn a long sleeved shirt that day. Too many what ifs and if onlys and she felt tired and wrung out.
Jim settled into a seat beside her, folding his long hands on his knees. Not too close, so as not to scare her, but also not increasing any paranoia by allowing an empty chair to separate them. The last thing Laurie needed was reinforcement in the idea she might need to be isolated.
"It wasn't your fault," he said without preamble as he studied her profile. "That wasn't me being psychic, I just know there's no way that isn't what you're thinking about."
"It's my power, how wasn't it my fault?" Laurie asked, glancing at him as she took another sip of the hot chocolate.
Jim exhaled softly and leaned back. "Okay. In the physical sense, yeah, it was your power. But you know what I mean. Ethically, morally -- the ways that matter -- you didn't do anything wrong. You get a walk on instinctive reactions in times of stress. It's allowed." His smile was faintly ironic. "I don't think it's anything that should be held against you, anyway, and I think I would know."
Her eyebrows raised somewhat at that last statement, she wondered what had happened to Mr Haller that he would know.
"What happened?" she asked, suiting word to thought.
"Specifically, that I was the one on the receiving end of the accident. But also because you're not the only one here who's ever done something like that." Jim settled back in his chair now, but his mismatched eyes were still on Laurie's. "I'm not going to speak for anyone else here, though I know there are a couple, but I had an accident like that. I was afraid. And angry. I lost control, too. Telekinesis isn't as reversible." The telepath slid back in his seat, legs stretched far in front of him. Still holding her eyes, he dipped his head. "A while back, when I told you I had control problems -- that's how it started."
"Oh," Laurie said softly, averting her gaze for a second before meeting his eyes again. She'd promised herself that she wouldn't avoid things, and hiding behind her hair was just another avoidance. "I guess I've been feeling somewhat sorry for myself, haven't I? Did you, well, I guess you did get help. Was it hard though, to learn control?"
He shook his head. "Laurie, of all the times you should feel guilty about overreacting this isn't even close to being one of them. There's a really special kind of terror that comes from losing control of yourself." Jim relented a bit on the eye contact, focusing instead on a spot just behind her ear. "It was a little different with me. That was the first time I'd ever used the power. I didn't know there could be a good side. All I knew was that what I did could hurt people. And since I didn't want to do that again, I walled it off." He let his eyes slip to hers again. "If I were better at this I'd be giving a speech about how I overcame my fear and embraced my power, but the truth is I was so afraid of what I might do I made it so I never even gave myself the chance to learn. That's changing, but I'm not what I should be. Probably never will be."
"I'm afraid sometimes of the things I can do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't want anyone else hurting people when I could stop it either. I just, I want to be able to control when that happens." Laurie replied, pondering Haller's words.
She wondered if she should tell him about what she'd decided to do. She had a feeling that telling a teacher before she simply went and did it would be the wiser choice.
Jim nodded. "Exactly. It's important to respect what your power can do. It can be dangerous . . . just like your fist or your foot can, if you use them a certain way. But you can't let fear of what you might do rule your life." He sunk a little deeper in the chair and flashed the girl another smile. "Or you could end up like me, full of weird issues and trying to figure out how to give pep talks on stuff you have no experience with, but I try to advise the student body against perpetuating old mistakes."
"I think you do a better job with the pep talks then you think, Mr Haller. I was sure you'd not want to even be near me after," Laurie said, smiling genuinely now that she knew he wasn't going to hate her.
An eyelid flickered, and the telepath's blue eye ghosted brown. "Don't worry about it. I've survived worse." Jim let it rest at that. Still, a part of him had to smile at the absurdity of it all. It really is okay, Laurie. It was a better death than the first one.
Moving slowly, Jim gave her a gentle nudge on her shoulder with a fist. No more than a tap, but contact. He smiled again. "So, you going to be okay? Not going to live in paranoia of ever touching another human being again or shove control of your power to a corner of your mind so it can come back to smack you in the face later, or anything like that?"
"Actually, I'm going to give up the air scrubber for good." Laurie replied, somewhat shyly. She still wasn't sure what the reaction to this was going to be. "I've been trying to think of how best to tell people."
Jim's smile widened. "So you're going the opposite way, huh? Guess I bored you with a cautionary tale for nothing. Not that I'm complaining." It was an immense relief, actually, that Laurie had already decided to take control rather than shrink away. He hadn't been lying when he'd said he wanted to keep the students from repeating his mistakes. Do as I say, not as we did.
Jim pulled himself upright, his bony limbs contracting and flexing like the tines of an umbrella. "I think it's a great idea. When it comes to telling people . . . just explain to them it's something you need to do to learn control. And the risks, so they can be prepared. It's no different than what Yvette has to go through with her powers. People'll learn to adjust along with you. Besides, you're starting out with an advantage. You're among friends."