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Entry tags:
Kevin & Darcy | Solace
(backdated) After Matthew breaks up with her, Darcy seeks comfort from someone she knows will understand: Kevin.
Self-care was the name of the weekend. She'd had a bit of a cry in the bath, then put on a simple but pretty camisole and shorts outfit trimmed with lace, dried her hair, and sent a cute selfie to Inez with the news. Her finger hovered over the contact for Doug, but she moved past it with a sigh. She'd tell him in the morning, but right now she really only had the ability to handle her own emotions.
She did want to talk to someone though. Terry was out–she hadn't seen her roommate and ostensible best friend in more than passing for almost two months now, and not at all since she'd left to pick up Maya. Kyle was out, managing his own shit. Clint was... well. They hadn't really been okay since the whole thing with Quire, and Matthew was his brother. To her mind, that road was fully blocked off.
Kevin. That was a thought, and the only reason it wasn't her first was because she knew how much he generally disliked interpersonal drama. But... well, it was her, and it was him, and if anyone would understand her complicated feelings about the whys of the breakup, he was probably a sure bet. She sent a text, waited for a reply, and a few minutes later was crossing the hall and slipping silently into his room.
He was reading. That wasn't a surprise, and she knew he'd heard her come in and flip the lock behind her, so she didn't hesitate before sliding his book out of his hands and sitting in his lap. "I'm sad and I need hugs."
He looked at her silently for a moment, studying her expression before giving a slow nod. "Okay." was all he said, wrapping arms around her and letting her lean close. While Kevin tended towards the stiff side in personal relationships, he understood the personalities of his friends well enough to know when touch was important to them.
"Thank you." She slipped one arm around his back as she leaned in, leaving her other hand holding the book with a finger marking his place. It was quiet for several minutes as she basked in Kevin's solid warmth, drawing comfort from the solid feel of being hugged and breathing in the particular scent she associated him with. Once she thought she could talk without starting to cry mid-sentence, she spoke. "Matthew broke up with me a few hours ago."
"Huh." Kevin especially avoided the minefield of Darcy's complicated relationships in general, typically having little useful to say. "Was there a specific reason?"
"Apparently he can't get past me choosing to become a sniper?" It was. Well. Darcy grimaced from where her cheek was smooshed against Kevin's chest, the reassuring thump of his heart loud under her ear. "I just. It–I–" she broke off, frustrated at her difficulty with articulating things. Took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and just... talked. "I don't. Understand, really? Because it's fine for Clint to have been a sniper for SHIELD because they're not dating but they're brothers and he said some stuff about Doug that was just honestly confusing like he thinks Doug used the skill once a long time ago and never again but like... I didn't bother telling him that Doug's been one of the people watching me practice sometimes because that whole thing can be between them but also apparently it's different if you're just casual sex but I thought they were dating too and I am just." The last of her air wooshed out as she finally stopped and took a breath. "Confused. Upset. A little angry, but that's mostly because I thought we were on the same page about the realities of what X-Force does and that's why he didn't want details???"
"Logic isn't always the best place to try to understand a break-up." Kevin said. "Or to try and untangle the little individual lies that people tell themselves while in those relationships."
"Emotionally, I thought he'd be more stuck on the teenage spotter part," she mumbled. "Or maybe not telling him, but. He told me early on that he didn't want confidential details. Which, obviously, but I took it as him trying to be subtle about not wanting to know anything he might be compelled to use against me in court. Maybe I misunderstood. I misunderstood where he and Doug stood with each other, obviously." Darcy laughed, a little wet and a little bitter. "What kind of shit asset am I that I don't even know the particulars of my own fucking relationships?"
"Professional ability doesn't translate to personal relationships. More often, it creates blindspots. So says the spymaster who is both divorced and hunted by his past partners." Kevin said. "But getting Dear John'ed when your partner finally understands what you do and what you're capable of doing is unfortunately common in our world, kid."
"Yeah. Yeah, you're right, of course. I knew you would be able to help with my perspective issues." She tipped her head back, damp eyes searching his face. "What do you mean, being hunted by past partners? Tell me, please?"
"Mary Walker. It was from before you joined us at Snow Valley. She was a woman I'd been involved with while at the CIA. She had been kidnapped and experimented on, and I used my influence to keep resources in the field to try and find her by fabricating evidence that she was alive. She turned out to be but it messed with her mind. She disappeared before I could explain and then the CIA pushed me into retirement and executed me." Kevin said, manner-of-factly considering the subject. "She reappeared a few years ago, rumbled through all of us in the field, and is now floating around out there with some severe mental issues and a grudge against me."
Darcy's arm tightened around him in a hug. "See, this is the sort of thing that has me absolutely convinced you need an endless supply of hugs." Her voice was light, but there was a serious undertone to it that she was sure he'd catch. "Constellations spare us from intelligent, mentally impaired exes that may or may not have grudges." Or just an extra dose of whatever the mental impairment was in place of the grudge, but she wasn't going to let something that was shop talk intrude tonight. "I'm hoping Inez will take it better. I think she will, considering her own career. It's not the same, but... I think there's enough of an overlap that we'll at least remain friends if she's not keen on dating someone that does what we do."
"I would stop assuming all relationships will shake out like Matt. It's hard for people who have never had to make decisions between lives to understand the situation." Kevin said. "Comprehending the death of millions is almost impossible. It's easier to focus on the relatable aspects, like a teenager shouldn't have to be involved."
"I try not to compare. I mean. I knew from the start my relationship with Matthew had a shelf life. He told me up front Foggy was his ride or die, and later that he never saw marrying me or anything like that, so I knew that someday it would end. But I also thought he understood what we did, and that the whys of our eventual breakup would be one of us wanting to be exclusive with a partner. So it'd be sad, but our friendship would still be there. The friendships that I'd built with Foggy and Marci would survive." She sighed, fingers tapping restlessly against Kevin's spine. "And it wasn't any of that, and I have no idea what he's going to tell Foggy or Marci, but I do at least know I'll probably lose Foggy's friendship. Marci's too, maybe, if he's fully honest about why, but we've always been... careful, about that. I'm pretty sure Marci has figured out that we're mutants, but the think tank and contract consulting schtick has enough truth to hold up shockingly well."
"Quite the fallout. But, do you regret doing what you did?" He said, finally breaking the hug so she could perch on the ottoman. There was the Kevin that provided comfort, and there there was the Kevin that was a teacher, and he was now back in that mode. "Or, more important, would you do anything different, even knowing now what the cost is?"
Darcy curled her legs under her, eyes unfocused as she sat and really thought about it for several minutes. Would she? She hadn't run analysis yet, but even just thinking about it on her own she didn't like the changed odds. "No," she finally said, voice firm. "I might wish there had been a different option, one of the kids that are legally adults maybe, but we had limited time and worked the hand that was dealt. I do hate that Liam lost some of his innocence by spotting me, but I don't regret asking you to teach me. Besides, if I hadn't been working the rooftop with you, someone else would have. Liam might've still been pulled to help. Or he might not have, and been left in the crowd. Alone. Visibly mutant and young. Untrained." She shrugged, fingers plucking at her robe for something to do. "It sucks, but they're alive. What's a romantic relationship in the face of that? I'm confused and upset, but I'll heal."
"And now you've learned the hardest lesson." Kevin said, leaning forward with his forearms on his knees, almost nose to nose with her. "We do what we do so other people don't have to. So they get the ability to draw a line and create moral absolutes because we don't. They will never really understand it and they will never thank you for it. I remember telling you when I recruited you that you'd be a lot happier doing almost any other job. That point still holds if you want to walk away."
It was intimate, and Darcy's breath caught in her throat as Kevin's eyes searched hers. Her hand gently cupped the side of his face and she gave him a slightly wobbly smile. "What do I keep telling you, Boss? I wouldn't be happier... what, going back to Excal and having to work with my ex every day as a glorified babysitter? Trying to be an X-Man? Leaving here entirely and working exclusively for Stacy?" At that, she tilted her head. "Okay, admittedly full-time for Stacy has a bit of appeal, but I'm closer to 40 than 20. My libido will slow down at some point, and where would that leave me?" She shook her head slowly. "No, nope. You can't scare me off that easily, Kevin. I'm your problem for as long as you think I'm useful."
"So look at it this way. Matt, as much as it hurts, did you a favour. He'll never be in a position to understand the things you have to, or at least, hopefully he's spared that." Kevin said finally. "Take a day or two. Teach Inez there's other food than chili dogs. Cry in the shower a few times. And then come back to work. Because I promise you, there's worse coming to handle. And you'll be right there with us when we do."
"Once she's back from her vacation with Clarice we're gonna talk, yeah," Darcy agreed. "If she's got issues with what I really do I'd rather know now. But yeah. Self-care for the weekend, back to work Monday as planned. Work's a good way to refocus my mind." She shifted, turning to lean against the arm of his chair. "Can I sleep in here tonight? Borrow your presence so I'm not alone?"
"Sure. Take the bed. I'm not really tired and I picked up three Elmore Leonard novels I missed, so that's my night." He said with a wink.
"One day someone's going to hear you talking about rarely being tired and assume you're a vampire." Darcy stood and stretched, then leaned forward to press a kiss against Kevin's forehead. "I'm gonna go grab some knitting to work on until I'm tired enough to sleep. Be right back."
"I'll be twenty pages into 'Freaky Deaky." He said with a smile. "Get some sleep, kid."
Self-care was the name of the weekend. She'd had a bit of a cry in the bath, then put on a simple but pretty camisole and shorts outfit trimmed with lace, dried her hair, and sent a cute selfie to Inez with the news. Her finger hovered over the contact for Doug, but she moved past it with a sigh. She'd tell him in the morning, but right now she really only had the ability to handle her own emotions.
She did want to talk to someone though. Terry was out–she hadn't seen her roommate and ostensible best friend in more than passing for almost two months now, and not at all since she'd left to pick up Maya. Kyle was out, managing his own shit. Clint was... well. They hadn't really been okay since the whole thing with Quire, and Matthew was his brother. To her mind, that road was fully blocked off.
Kevin. That was a thought, and the only reason it wasn't her first was because she knew how much he generally disliked interpersonal drama. But... well, it was her, and it was him, and if anyone would understand her complicated feelings about the whys of the breakup, he was probably a sure bet. She sent a text, waited for a reply, and a few minutes later was crossing the hall and slipping silently into his room.
He was reading. That wasn't a surprise, and she knew he'd heard her come in and flip the lock behind her, so she didn't hesitate before sliding his book out of his hands and sitting in his lap. "I'm sad and I need hugs."
He looked at her silently for a moment, studying her expression before giving a slow nod. "Okay." was all he said, wrapping arms around her and letting her lean close. While Kevin tended towards the stiff side in personal relationships, he understood the personalities of his friends well enough to know when touch was important to them.
"Thank you." She slipped one arm around his back as she leaned in, leaving her other hand holding the book with a finger marking his place. It was quiet for several minutes as she basked in Kevin's solid warmth, drawing comfort from the solid feel of being hugged and breathing in the particular scent she associated him with. Once she thought she could talk without starting to cry mid-sentence, she spoke. "Matthew broke up with me a few hours ago."
"Huh." Kevin especially avoided the minefield of Darcy's complicated relationships in general, typically having little useful to say. "Was there a specific reason?"
"Apparently he can't get past me choosing to become a sniper?" It was. Well. Darcy grimaced from where her cheek was smooshed against Kevin's chest, the reassuring thump of his heart loud under her ear. "I just. It–I–" she broke off, frustrated at her difficulty with articulating things. Took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and just... talked. "I don't. Understand, really? Because it's fine for Clint to have been a sniper for SHIELD because they're not dating but they're brothers and he said some stuff about Doug that was just honestly confusing like he thinks Doug used the skill once a long time ago and never again but like... I didn't bother telling him that Doug's been one of the people watching me practice sometimes because that whole thing can be between them but also apparently it's different if you're just casual sex but I thought they were dating too and I am just." The last of her air wooshed out as she finally stopped and took a breath. "Confused. Upset. A little angry, but that's mostly because I thought we were on the same page about the realities of what X-Force does and that's why he didn't want details???"
"Logic isn't always the best place to try to understand a break-up." Kevin said. "Or to try and untangle the little individual lies that people tell themselves while in those relationships."
"Emotionally, I thought he'd be more stuck on the teenage spotter part," she mumbled. "Or maybe not telling him, but. He told me early on that he didn't want confidential details. Which, obviously, but I took it as him trying to be subtle about not wanting to know anything he might be compelled to use against me in court. Maybe I misunderstood. I misunderstood where he and Doug stood with each other, obviously." Darcy laughed, a little wet and a little bitter. "What kind of shit asset am I that I don't even know the particulars of my own fucking relationships?"
"Professional ability doesn't translate to personal relationships. More often, it creates blindspots. So says the spymaster who is both divorced and hunted by his past partners." Kevin said. "But getting Dear John'ed when your partner finally understands what you do and what you're capable of doing is unfortunately common in our world, kid."
"Yeah. Yeah, you're right, of course. I knew you would be able to help with my perspective issues." She tipped her head back, damp eyes searching his face. "What do you mean, being hunted by past partners? Tell me, please?"
"Mary Walker. It was from before you joined us at Snow Valley. She was a woman I'd been involved with while at the CIA. She had been kidnapped and experimented on, and I used my influence to keep resources in the field to try and find her by fabricating evidence that she was alive. She turned out to be but it messed with her mind. She disappeared before I could explain and then the CIA pushed me into retirement and executed me." Kevin said, manner-of-factly considering the subject. "She reappeared a few years ago, rumbled through all of us in the field, and is now floating around out there with some severe mental issues and a grudge against me."
Darcy's arm tightened around him in a hug. "See, this is the sort of thing that has me absolutely convinced you need an endless supply of hugs." Her voice was light, but there was a serious undertone to it that she was sure he'd catch. "Constellations spare us from intelligent, mentally impaired exes that may or may not have grudges." Or just an extra dose of whatever the mental impairment was in place of the grudge, but she wasn't going to let something that was shop talk intrude tonight. "I'm hoping Inez will take it better. I think she will, considering her own career. It's not the same, but... I think there's enough of an overlap that we'll at least remain friends if she's not keen on dating someone that does what we do."
"I would stop assuming all relationships will shake out like Matt. It's hard for people who have never had to make decisions between lives to understand the situation." Kevin said. "Comprehending the death of millions is almost impossible. It's easier to focus on the relatable aspects, like a teenager shouldn't have to be involved."
"I try not to compare. I mean. I knew from the start my relationship with Matthew had a shelf life. He told me up front Foggy was his ride or die, and later that he never saw marrying me or anything like that, so I knew that someday it would end. But I also thought he understood what we did, and that the whys of our eventual breakup would be one of us wanting to be exclusive with a partner. So it'd be sad, but our friendship would still be there. The friendships that I'd built with Foggy and Marci would survive." She sighed, fingers tapping restlessly against Kevin's spine. "And it wasn't any of that, and I have no idea what he's going to tell Foggy or Marci, but I do at least know I'll probably lose Foggy's friendship. Marci's too, maybe, if he's fully honest about why, but we've always been... careful, about that. I'm pretty sure Marci has figured out that we're mutants, but the think tank and contract consulting schtick has enough truth to hold up shockingly well."
"Quite the fallout. But, do you regret doing what you did?" He said, finally breaking the hug so she could perch on the ottoman. There was the Kevin that provided comfort, and there there was the Kevin that was a teacher, and he was now back in that mode. "Or, more important, would you do anything different, even knowing now what the cost is?"
Darcy curled her legs under her, eyes unfocused as she sat and really thought about it for several minutes. Would she? She hadn't run analysis yet, but even just thinking about it on her own she didn't like the changed odds. "No," she finally said, voice firm. "I might wish there had been a different option, one of the kids that are legally adults maybe, but we had limited time and worked the hand that was dealt. I do hate that Liam lost some of his innocence by spotting me, but I don't regret asking you to teach me. Besides, if I hadn't been working the rooftop with you, someone else would have. Liam might've still been pulled to help. Or he might not have, and been left in the crowd. Alone. Visibly mutant and young. Untrained." She shrugged, fingers plucking at her robe for something to do. "It sucks, but they're alive. What's a romantic relationship in the face of that? I'm confused and upset, but I'll heal."
"And now you've learned the hardest lesson." Kevin said, leaning forward with his forearms on his knees, almost nose to nose with her. "We do what we do so other people don't have to. So they get the ability to draw a line and create moral absolutes because we don't. They will never really understand it and they will never thank you for it. I remember telling you when I recruited you that you'd be a lot happier doing almost any other job. That point still holds if you want to walk away."
It was intimate, and Darcy's breath caught in her throat as Kevin's eyes searched hers. Her hand gently cupped the side of his face and she gave him a slightly wobbly smile. "What do I keep telling you, Boss? I wouldn't be happier... what, going back to Excal and having to work with my ex every day as a glorified babysitter? Trying to be an X-Man? Leaving here entirely and working exclusively for Stacy?" At that, she tilted her head. "Okay, admittedly full-time for Stacy has a bit of appeal, but I'm closer to 40 than 20. My libido will slow down at some point, and where would that leave me?" She shook her head slowly. "No, nope. You can't scare me off that easily, Kevin. I'm your problem for as long as you think I'm useful."
"So look at it this way. Matt, as much as it hurts, did you a favour. He'll never be in a position to understand the things you have to, or at least, hopefully he's spared that." Kevin said finally. "Take a day or two. Teach Inez there's other food than chili dogs. Cry in the shower a few times. And then come back to work. Because I promise you, there's worse coming to handle. And you'll be right there with us when we do."
"Once she's back from her vacation with Clarice we're gonna talk, yeah," Darcy agreed. "If she's got issues with what I really do I'd rather know now. But yeah. Self-care for the weekend, back to work Monday as planned. Work's a good way to refocus my mind." She shifted, turning to lean against the arm of his chair. "Can I sleep in here tonight? Borrow your presence so I'm not alone?"
"Sure. Take the bed. I'm not really tired and I picked up three Elmore Leonard novels I missed, so that's my night." He said with a wink.
"One day someone's going to hear you talking about rarely being tired and assume you're a vampire." Darcy stood and stretched, then leaned forward to press a kiss against Kevin's forehead. "I'm gonna go grab some knitting to work on until I'm tired enough to sleep. Be right back."
"I'll be twenty pages into 'Freaky Deaky." He said with a smile. "Get some sleep, kid."