xp_logs | Terry and Shatterstar | Night After (Backdated)

Backdated to April 5. Shatterstar seeks Terry out after the events of TILT and looks for assurance he made the right choice.

Shatterstar found himself going to Terry's suite as if his feet were moving by themselves when he had been cleared to go after... The entire experience of being kidnapped and having to see Jessie be willing to sacrifice herself for him.

He knocked on Terry's door and really, really hoped she was there.

Terry had her purse on her shoulder and sunglasses atop her head, ready to head out into the spring weather to get... well, she didn't know what. But after reading through what the children - not technically children, she supposed, but they might as well have been - had been through courtesy of her access to the X-Men's mission reports, she... needed to do something and she didn't want to pester them, but surely they could...

But there stood Shatterstar and, while she couldn't actually place the expression on his face, Terry knew it wasn't one that indicated he was 'okay.'

"Och, love." Offering her hand for him to take if he wanted, she opened the door farther and stepped back a little so he could walk in. "I'm so glad you're here."

Shatterstar went further than just taking Terry's hand, leaning himself on her slightly. It was the biggest indicator that he was even more shook up than he had been in February.

"Do you think I'm selfish?" He asked, skipping any sort of explanation to get at what had been eating at him.

He had been going to let Jessie die for him.

"No, love," Terry said, resting her cheek against him. "No, I think you're young an' you've got no experience with the types o' thin's you've seen the last several months. I think y'need t'give yourself some grace and room enough t'process everythin'."

Shatterstar held her hand tightly and breathed deeply, trying not to fall apart right in Terry's doorway. He didn't know how much she knew about what happened. He wasn't sure how much anyone who wasn't there knew- of anyone knew the choices they had made. He hadn't asked any other set what happened in their video games.

He spoke into her hair. "What if she had died?"

"It would've been a tragedy," Terry answered. "It would've been terrible an' a great loss t'everyone here. Sometimes, in those situations..." Terry bit her lip. "Sometimes, love, there're no good answers, no perfect outcomes. I'm sorry y'had t'find that out so young. But in the end, it didn't come t'that, and I think that's what y'should focus on." She thought of Jessie, her enthusiasm and friendliness - how she'd settled so well into the mansion. She supposed it might be a good idea to suggest someone speak to the younger woman about her willingness to sacrifice herself, but that wasn't what she needed to focus on right now. "C'mon, let's sit on the couch an' I'll get y'some tea. Y'can talk if y'want or we could do somethin' else. Whatever y'need."

Shatterstar walked into her suite and practically fell boneless onto the couch. He was sure it wasn't just Jessie who had been willing to sacrifice themselves of his peers. It seemed, to him anyways, that he was the only one who had not been willing to lay down their life. What sort of X-Man would he make if he was not willing to die?

He didn't know if Terry understood. Logically she probably did, but it was easy to feel alone and like he was experiencing an emotion no one else ever had.

"I shouldn't have let her."

"Were there other, better choices?" Terry asked. There hadn't been very many overt details about the scenarios each of the young people had been involved in, just that there were virtual realities set up and the threat of true death if anyone died in the game. "Because it seems t'me there might not've been?"

"I should have been the one to do it," Shatterstar said quietly and leaned his head back to stare at her ceiling. He didn't want to meet Terry's eyes.

Why hadn't he been able to sacrifice himself? Why had he been so selfish? He hadn't even been able to push himself when Jessie said she had a family who cared about what happened to her.

The people who cared for Shatter would have all understood. Jessie's poor mother wouldn't have.

"I shouldn't have asked that of her."

Terry considered her words carefully for a long moment before saying, "God's honest truth, love -- bein' self sacrificin's no' always the best quality t'have. Sometimes it's best t'take hold o'your life and dig your metaphorical claws in. Bein' willin' t'die for others can be noble, but it's... sometimes people use it as an easy way out. They don't value themselves or their relationships with others enough t'do everythin' possible before decidin' that's the best option. I'm no' sayin' that's what Jessie was doin', but..."

Reaching out, she waited for an indication she could touch Shatterstar before briefly squeezing his hand. "There's absolutely nothin' weak or shameful about no' wantin' t'die, no matter what the stakes were."

"I really, really don't want to die," Shatterstar confessed and squeezed her hands back.

He had too many people to live for and that included a vague sense of self different than Benji.

"You promise that is okay?"

"I promise," Terry said. "So long as you're no' puttin' others in danger t'save yourself, and even then, it's no' wrong t'want t'keep livin'."

Shatterstar moved to lean against her slightly and nodded, willing to believe she may be right. At least in this moment.