Made You Feel Second Best - Day 7

[xp_cannonball]

TW: CSA mention, Suicidal Ideation, Child Neglect, Threats of Violence

Sam comes to Lucinda with some concerns about the children.

"Lucinda." Sam said, exhaustion running bone deep despite a full night's sleep. "We need to talk about the kids."

"Sammy, the kids're fine. They ain't yer problem anyhow. I'm their mama, an yers too, no matter what sorta airs you got in yer head now that yer livin in that big city."

Sam laughed, but there was no mirth to it. When he responded is voice was cold. “That so? When were you plannin’ to start actin’ like it? We’re fine? I’ll be sure to tell my therapist bout that, but I’m not sure she’ll find that as funny as I did.”

Fine?

Sam shook his head. “Jay, Mel, and I been filled with nothin’ but guilt over leavin’ because we’ve been the ones parentin’. The kids don’t hardly even ask you for nothin’ if Jay and I’re here. You cast Jay out, Mel got shot at. You won’t hardly even fuckin’ look at Paige. Joelle ran off and joined a cult. What made you more upset, Lucinda? The fact that she’s fifteen and ran off with a man at least ten years older than her? Or that she weren’t comin’ home? I wouldn’t call that fine. You ain’t hardly been my Mama in fifteen years.”

"You were doin yer duty to family. It don't make you their daddy, Samuel Zachary.'' Lucinda narrowed her eyes at her eldest, hands clenched into tight fists at her sides. "You have no idea how hard it was for me after yer Daddy died," she continued, voice quiet. There was a thread of something ugly in it, almost a promise of violence should her oldest son continue down this path, but her hands stayed at her sides, nails digging into callus-rough skin and keeping her from flying apart. "Jay –" her throat closed around his name in a croak, and she stopped for a moment. "I didn't cast him out, Samuel. I kept the family alive. You think them gods-forsaken Cabots woulda stopped huntin him? Woulda kept the littles out of it? Yer a fool and a liar if you do. They woulda left nothin behind but blood-stains and the kinda shit that makes the wells run dry and leaves the fields barren. I wasn't gonna have it. I still ain't gonna have it."

"Then what does it make me? Cause them kids sure call me Daddy often enough for me to know what role I had to fill." Sam said, voice still even even if there was now a gravel to it, eyes flickering down to his mother's clenched hands, almost daring her to hit him. "Yes Lucinda, it was hard for you, I had to watch I was there- but you ain't thought about how hard it was for us. Did you ever once stop and think about how hard it was for me- cause Daddy did. And he and I had a whole lotta long talks before he passed- and he told me what all he didn't want me doin' when he died and I watched him cry when he realized I was already doin' it when he was alive just to keep us all afloat."

Sam took a shuddering breath, clenching his own hands and trying to keep the energy inside him contained. "Answer the question, Lucinda. Was you more upset that Joelle run off with a man at least ten years older than her or by the fact that she weren't comin' home. Cause I watched you turn a blind eye to all the shit I did at sixteen cause I came back in the mornin'. Accordin' to Liz she was gone two whole weeks afore you called Jay and I'm supposed to think the kids are fine? I raised those kids, and when I had to leave Jay took up after me. And I ain't book read like Paige and I know I don't know everythin' but I do know that Daddy'd be real fucking ashamed of the way you been treating us."

"Sit. Yer ass. Down. Samuel Zachary, before yer fancy friends come down here because I'm givin yer disrespectful ass the wallop of yer fuckin' life. "

Lucinda pointed one trembling finger at the chair, staying out of her eldest son's space lest she give in to the urge to pop him across the space for his words. Her other hand stayed balled up tight, a painful, rigid lock of muscles keeping it down. He was right for part of it. This hadn't been what they'd wanted for their children. But they'd also thought they'd have family to lean on, at least his, but in the end... she turned to the sink, suppressing the hiss when her bloody palm met the hot water. She grimly ignored it, the same way she grit her teeth and grimly ignored a whole host of things her entire life, soldiering on like she always had. One foot in the quicksand, one hand trying to push herself up and out.

She tackled the bit of stuck on grit like it was weeks of caked on, and finally started to speak, her voice soft. Measured. Dangerous. "I'm full aware we hadta put more on yer shoulders than ya deserved to have, Samuel, an that it was worse after yer Daddy went," But daycare was so expensive, and the pharmacy... well. She hadn't been covered, and then she couldn't be covered, because if she were with sprog it was God's Will to decide, not hers to prevent. An' the hospital kept sayin she'd change her mind, want more, til the littles came and made sure she couldn't have more. Those same kids Sammy was claimin as his own wouldn't've existed if she'd had her way, not Joelle or Mel neither. But she ain't had a say, had she? And that meant they all had to pitch in while their Daddy worked the mines and she did odd jobs and tried not to stare at the yawnin abyss in the mirror, the peaceful walk into the forest she'd been battlin for years.

Maybe she should've, but maybe it would've led to this anyhow, 'cept Sammy woulda been railin at ghosts. Just like she did.

Her hands kept scrubbing, red streaks appearing faintly across the metal. She was so, so tired. "I been lettin all you children sow somma yer oats at her age, let you git it outta yer system so yer not endin up just like this, Samuel, stuck with a house fulla mouths you cain't barely feed or clothe, makin just too much to get a little bit of help, Cabots pourin green whispered poison in ears. You ain't gotta like or respect it, but yer gonna shut yer mouth 'bout what yer Daddy woulda found shameful or yer gonna get the fuck out an' not come back."

She lets the ultimatum hang heavy between them, stronger than the fragile, terrible, tangled bond between mother and son-helper-pseudoparent.

“What you did was turn a blind eye as people preyed on us.” Sam spat. “That’s the thing about respect Lucinda, once you lose it you gotta earn it back. So do it, hit me, it’ll hurt less than knowin’ that you let people prey on us and think you can justify it. I was a kid. Ellie’s a kid. Nothin’ in the world can justify lettin’ an adult go after us. What part of that can’t you wrap yer head around?”

Sam breathed heavily and stared at the floor a moment before looking at his mother with wet eyes. “Mama, what happened wasn’t sewed oats, what happened to me was rape and you let it happen. And now it’s gone and happened to Joelle.”

Her anger doesn't really drain out so much as the tiredness settles in with deep roots. Her shoulders stiffen, tight around her ears, and she sets the pan carefully on the clean side of the sink. "I ain't turned a blind eye to nothin, Samuel. An' maybe you blocked it out, but I did try talkin to you about that girl you were seein. You wouldn't have it, because you've always thought bein the oldest and havin responsibilities meant you was a grown man who weren't responsible for listenin to yer Mama anymore. An' it coulda been fine, fer all I did know, so I let you have it, chase that little bit of fun 'tween yer responsibilities so long as you were still comin home most nights where I could keep an eye out."

She grabbed the next pot and started that same slow scrub. "An I did talk to Jo, an I told her what a no-good that man was. Girl ain't gonna listen, she thinks she's grown as you thought you were, an you an I both know cops out here ain't gonna do nothin bout no almost-16 year old runnin about. I weren't bout to give them damn Cabots the ammunition either. Bad enough after Jay's episode and the shit with Melody. But you ain't know nothin bout that, now do ya, because despite all yer big talk bout bein the parent round here it weren't you dealin with CPS or school or the gossips, were it?"

"Un-fuckin'-believable." Sam muttered. He did remember Lucinda talking to him, but he distinctly remembered that she had been far more interested in the things than about who he was with or what he was doing with them, and that she'd only tried once. "Who the hell do you think talked to CPS when you was laid up in bed not respondin' to nobody? Who do you think helped teach half the kids how to read, and made sure homework was done and school supplies was bought and lunches were packed, I went to more than a few parent-teacher conferences when you couldn't. I'm the one who arranged every bit of my graduatin' early so that I could work full-time in the place that was killin' Daddy. And I did all that when I was a kid, so why the fuck do you expect me to lie down and accept the bold faced lie that things ain't gotta change 'round here?"

"Do you even realize you favor the boys over the girls? Do you have any idea that the fact that Elle and I felt ignored and like we couldn't exist as a whole person left us susceptible to people like that? That Cissie feels like she's gotta prove herself and take care of herself all the time so that she ain't a burden because she watched what raisin' kids that we never shoulda had to worry about did to me and Jay. Do you have any idea what your clear bias against Paige has done to her? Or the pressure that got put on Jay to replace me and everythin' I did because I wanted to be a good son and help my family and try to make you proud only to get taken fer granted? Or the way that Jeb lies about his migraines cause he don't wanna worry you cause he's worried it'll set you off and you'll disappear into yer room again? Or the fact that Liz told Mel that she got into college before she told you cause she wasn't sure how to tell you and Jeb that she's leavin and didn't want Jeb to feel like he got stuck takin' care of everybody? Somethin' has to change, and I know yer smart enough to realize it."

The depth and layers of those accusations hit Lucinda with all the power and might of a freight train. It didn't show physically, not on a woman who was used to having to ignore what was being said around her by those who would rather gossip than lend a hand, but they hit. Hard. Deep. Gouging open the parts of herself that she'd spent years and years of time and health to try and plaster open, leaving her insides a bleeding mess of tatters and scraps. One hand curled around the handle of the pan she was cleaning, porcelain over cast iron, heavy and durable and practical. Lifted with ease after years of cooking with it, and the temptation to turn and fling it was –

"Out."

The word was clipped, and there wasn't a follow-up, just a single, soapy finger pointing at the door. Unyielding.

Sam sighed and walked to the door. Before he left he turned to look at her. "You know, Jay still defends you and he and Julia were plannin' on takin' the twins to Louisville with 'em. I'll still be sendin' money home and payin' for what of Liz's schoolin' the sports scholarship don't cover. Don't worry Mama, I'm still takin' care of this family."

He shook his head and walked away, not looking back.


Mel gives Jeb a present before she leaves.

Mel had been holding onto the wrapped package for some time now. It was originally supposed to be a Christmas present, but at the last minute she’d decided to bring it along with her to Cumberland.

Despite all their squabbles, she knew Jeb, knew he was like her in a lot of ways. This whole thing was hard on him, though he wouldn’t say it. A distraction would be good and keep him out of trouble once they left.

She found him out on the porch and sat down beside him on the stairs. “Hey kiddo, I got somethin’ fer you before we go.”

He groaned. "I'm almost fifteen Mel, I ain't a kid." But curiosity got the better of him and he turned to look at her, a small shit-eating smile on his face. "What'd you get me though?"

Mel reached over to ruffle his hair. “You’ll always be my baby brother, ain’t no changin’ that.” She hefted the heavy package onto his lap. “I know you an’ Ray Jr are into all that superhero stuff, an’ Paigey done told me which ones ya like best, so I thought you’d like some more t’read.”

Jeb scooted closer and leaned against her shoulder a bit. "You didn't have to go spendin' money on me when yer livin' in that expensive city....but if me and Ray're sharin' I guess it ain't so bad..."

Laughing lightly, Mel said “Exactly. An’ I like spendin’ money on y’all, so don’t worry none ‘bout it.” Any present for Jeb was by default a present for Ray Jr anyways, the two were just attached at the hip like that. She nudged him. “Go on an’ open it.”

Jeb fiddled with the paper for a moment, looking at his older sister almost for permission before listening to her and opening the present. As soon as he saw the cover a grin spread over his face. "Oh Ray'll love this." He said, excitement rising in his voice. "I didn't even know they made a omnibus for Young Justice!...thanks Mel.....maybe I'll try an' get Elle to read it with me."

He sighed and leaned his head into Mel's. It had been so easy to forget for a minute. When you're a Guthrie you don't get to just be a teenager. He had Sam and Jay's room...he didn't want their job too.

“Yer welcome hon’.” She wrapped an arm around him and squeezed, an apology for having to leave again. With Liz going off to college soon, Mel wished she could stay so Jeb didn’t feel that pressure to take care of everyone left, but at least they were sending enough money back where he wouldn’t have to go down into the mines…

Mel pressed a kiss to his temple. “M’sure Elle’d like that. It’d be real nice of you.” And take her mind off everything, maybe.

Paige and Jeb get a chance to talk.

Paige’s bag was finally packed, her siblings had fussed over the new bruise on her shoulder, and she finally had nothing to do. Bored and looking for someone to bother, she walked up to the attic door and knocked on the door. It had been a busy and chaotic visit, not leaving much time for her to catch up with her younger siblings. Paige knew Jeb would be grumpy if she didn’t spend some time with him before leaving, so off to bother him she went.

“Jeb, you up here?” Paige called.

There was the tell-tale sound of a teenage boy hitting the floor, not quite used to the gangliness in his limbs that came with a growth spurt, and then pounding feet running to the door. "Paige! Come in! I was lookin' at the comic book that Mel bought me."

Paige muffled her laughter as she opened the door. “Yeah? Anythin’ good?” She pulled him into a hug, avoiding her injured shoulder.

"Young Justice. 'S pretty good so far. Promised Mel I'd try to get Jo to read it with me." He said, leaning heavily on his sister. "Yer shoulder okay?"

“Oh yeah, this is nothin’. I’ll be fine.” Paige ruffled his hair. “How’s everythin’ here? You n’ Ray Jr still doin’ good?”

He ducked away from her hand with a laugh. "Yeah, Jay and Sammy let 'im come over a few days ago. How's yer fancy mansion and yer doctor book readin'?"

Jeb's face then broke out into a shit eating grin. "And yer boyfriend Mama asked me 'bout?"

Paige groaned. “She asked you ‘bout that? We’re not really datin’. He’s just my friend and Mama was lecturin’ me. But he’s nice, you’d like him. He’s a musician. Different kind from Jay though. And the mansion’s nice. Should get you and the others up for a visit.”

Jeb stuck out his tongue. "If you'd told me I coulda backed you up, added details. How dare I not be included in yer scheme, that's our thing Paige."

He sighed and leaned against her dramatically. "Mel n' Jay were right, you are gettin' Yankee-fied."

Paige shoved him off of her for that comment. “I am not! I wasn’t plannin’ on lyin’ to Mama, it just happened. Jono wasn’t even in on it.”

"Mama didn't tell me his name." Jeb muttered, pullin' his knees up to his chest. Then, more petulant. "You were hidin' yer accent when y'all got here."

“People up north get…weird about the accent.” No need to tell Jeb about the people who had been shocked at how smart she was after hearing her speak or who were a bit too into the accent. “‘Sides. More fun savin’ it for the people I like.”

Paige leaned into Jeb, stage whispering to him. “Hey, you wanna know another secret? Sammy has a for real secret boyfriend.”

"Fuckin' yanks." Jeb grumbled, happily leaning against Paige once she re-established contact. At her secret, his eyes grew wide as saucers. "What? Since when? Is he here? It ain't that guy with the pink hair is it?"

Paige started laughing so hard she smacked into Jeb when he asked about Q. “No, his boyfriend ain’t here and he’s not datin’ Q. Clint’s a ok guy, if kinda old. He guest taught one ‘a my classes last semester. He’s real smart.”

“Kinda old like a few years older than Sam and yer givin’ him shit or-“ Jeb’s anxiety was palpable, everything with Joelle fresh in his mind. “He ain’t gonna take ‘im away like Jo’s boyfriend tried to…..right?”

“No, he ain’t nothin’ like that asshole who hurt Elle.” Paige hadn’t meant to bring up a comparison. “Sammy still talks to us and comes home, right? We don’t gotta worry about his boyfriend.”

“So he’s old.” Jeb said, thinking for a moment. “Yer sure he’s okay? Cause I could come up with you and we could mess him up-“

Paige pulled him down into a headlock. “Yeah? Not even gonna give my arm time to heal? But really. Clint’s fine. I can probably even find a picture of him for you.”

Despite his worry he couldn’t help but laugh, trying to push Paige off him. “Hey! No fair! I can’t fight you back if yer actually hurt!”

A moment later Paige’s last words registered. “Are you sayin’ Sammy’s boyfriend is google-able?!”

“Yeah, he’s a big fancy scientist. I’m sure I can find him.” She pulled out her phone and typed Clint’s name into Google. Sure enough, a photo of him popped up. “Here, see?”

Jeb hadn’t quite yet mastered the skill of keeping his facial expressions separate from his thoughts, and it showed. “Does Mama know that he’s……datin’ a blond Brawny paper towel man? And one of…..age?”

Jeb rolled his eyes. “Next yer gonna tell me he’s got a bow like Green Arrow.”

“Uh…” Paige tried to think if she had even seen Sam interact with their mother this week. “Not sure. Probably not? Don’t know about the bow thing either. You know who you could ask about that? Sam.”

“But you’re right here and also my favorite.” Jeb pouted. “Nobody else listens to my daily Ray stories.”

“You do have a lot of them,” Paige teased. “Only so many times you can tell someone about how smart you think your crush is.”

Jeb turned bright red. “He ain’t my crush, he’s my best friend. Stop bein’ weird, Paigey. And I’ve never immediately thought’a him when comin’ up with someone to date when Mama’s havin’ one of her ‘the prayer group’s afraid I ain’t gonna get grandchildren’ panics and starts askin’ if I’m seein’ someone…..not like you and yer new Yankee musician friend.”

“Uh huh. You only talk about him daily and tell me how much you love spendin’ time with him.” She poked Jeb playfully in the side. “You liiike him.”

“And instead of tellin’ Mama yer single, you chose to say yer dating that boy that you told me you spent the day with on Valentine’s.” Jeb laughed, poking her back. “Ray’s the best friend anyone could ask fer and I see him almost every day, course I’m gonna talk about him. I ain’t picked him for an imaginary boyfriend though.”

“Y’ain’t ever gonna let this go, are ya?” Paige sighed.

“Maaaaaybe…..so long as I get to meet him before Lewis does…….and if you call ‘im I won’t even tell Cissie.”

Knowing when she was beaten, Paige pulled out her phone. “Let me see if he’s off work and up to it.” Hopefully, Jono would be willing to humor her brother and try the light writer over the phone again.

The phone rang for a bit before going to voicemail. “Hey Jono. Sorry to bother you again, but my little brother wanted to meet you. If you get this in the next little while and you feel like it, give me a call back. Be back soon, bye.”

She hung up and looked over at Jeb. “Looks like he was busy. I’ll get him on the phone when we get back to New York, sound good?"

Jeb groaned when it went to voicemail and leaned heavily into Paige. ”Fine. Yer secret's safe with me...fer now."


Mel helps Liz pack for college.

Boxes littered the room Mel once shared with her sisters, and she rifled through the dresser for Lizzie’s clothes. Her little sister was set to go off to college soon, and she was helping her pack some things before they went back to New York.

She folded another shirt and set it in a box, before turning to her sister. “Y’know Liz, you’ll be needin’ to get lots of things once yer in Lexington. Sam an’ Jay are fightin’ over who gets t’pay fer yer tuition, but fer anythin’ else m’happy to help.”

Liz smiled at her sister as she packed up a bag with her softball equipment. “Thanks, Mel, but y’all've really done enough. I’ll be fine. Could always come visit me out there. It ain’t New York, but it could still be fun.”

Mel was totally going to buy her a bunch of new clothes and stuff for her dorm anyways, but nodded like she accepted Liz’s refusal. “That’d be nice- if you want yer big sister ‘round with all the new friends yer gonna be making, that is,” she joked. “You could always come up an’ visit us as well if you ain’t too busy.”

“Maybe over fall break? Take a bus from Louisville. You can show me around.” Liz zipped her bat bag closed. It could be fun to go visit, assuming things were going to calm down for their family after this.

“M’sure that can be arranged no problem,” Mel smiled. Hopefully nothing crazy would happen at the mansion when she came. She walked over and pulled her sister into a hug. “Yer welcome anytime.”

Sam and Joelle finally have a talk.

Since her return, Joelle had tried to not make a fuss. She'd kept her head down and tried not to let herself mope and cry like a little girl who'd made stupid choices, instead trying to spend time with the family now that everyone was home. For a little while. She just needed to clear her head for a moment, standing on the porch as she let her mind wander. When she heard footsteps, she almost jumped, turning quickly with a smile already on her face before she realized it was Sam. The smile froze and she dropped her eyes down to his shoes. "Sorry, didya say somethin'?"

"Oh, just askin' if I could join ya." Sam said awkwardly. "I thought maybe we could.....talk? It don't gotta be about... I don't need to know about him if you don't wanna tell me, I just thought maybe I could apologize for my part in how fucked up this family is? If you'll let me."

That got a slight laugh as Elle shook her head. "You didn't fuck nothin' up, Sammy. Reckon we were already like this 'fore you, 'n' we will be again once you leave." But she scooted over to make room for him.

"I think that's about the nicest thing you've said to me that weren't on my birthday in years." He teased, nudging her gently with humor in his voice. "But no Elle, I do need to apologize to you. 'Cause I did fuck things up and one of those things was our relationship and I hate that I messed it up."

He sighed. "I shoulda told you more when I was leavin' and I didn't and I know yer mad about it and you got every right to be. You were a kid and I just- I weren't much older than you when Daddy got diagnosed and I guess I just- I thought I was sparin' you from the stress that I got handed at yer age and instead I made you feel ignored and abandoned and that's not what I wanted and I'm sorry."

The smile that had started stopped abruptly as she listened to her eldest sibling, her big brother. On her lap, she picked at the edge of her shirt, gently working threads loose. Her eyes dropped, unable to stop the sudden sadness that came with the talk of their daddy, of Sam leaving them, leaving her. "'s okay, Sam," she tried, wanting to comfort him, "I mean, no, it's not your fault, just like it wasn't Daddy's fault getting sick-" Joelle found herself unable to continue, choking back emotion.

Hesitantly, she placed a hand on his own, touch light as if she was afraid he might burn her but. . . well it was Sam. "It's - I know, I mean, I know you're your own person too, Sam, wasn't fair that you had ta be Daddy. I knew that."

“I didn’t leave cause it weren’t fair to me.” He said softly, squeezing her hand. “I was scared…my power- I kinda shoot off like a rocket, think my top speed’s like forty miles an hour? Or somethin’ like that…..I was so scared I was gonna blast a joke in the house on accident, or blast off and into one of y’all and- I didn’t wanna hurt no one. And I ended up hurtin’ you anyway….”

Sam sighed and rubbed his thumb over hers. “I know yer spells of ignorin’ me are meant to be a punishment and they work. I miss you a whole lot. If you want or need me all you gotta do is ask, Princess….an’ maybe I could bring you up to New York for a visit sometime?”

She held onto his hand the moment he didn't push her away, like part of her brain had feared since she'd heard him fighting with Mama. The stiff, unsure air she'd spent the day finally lightening. Joelle clung onto Sam's hand like he was the only thing keeping her grounded, like she'd held his hand, sniffling and doing her best not to cry when she'd lost a button on her Easter dress before church. "I - I dunno, Sammy, I don't, I don't think 'm ready to be in a big house fulla mutants, er, I mean, aside from y'all, 's different." Her eyes were fixed to him as she tried to see if what she'd admitted was the wrong thing to say.

"Now who said anythin' 'bout havin' you in the mansion?" Sam teased. "I got myself a grown-up office job now and I could get a hotel room and we could have a fancy big city sleepover.....or..."

Sam smiled sheepishly and confessed, almost conspiratorially. "I got me this boyfriend back in the city? And his family's got this apartment in a fancy historic neighborhood in the city that I'm sure I could get us access to if I ask real nice...besides I done talked his ear off 'bout you, and he'd love to meet you. He'd a been here, but he was in Europe for some fancy conference thing when we left and I wouldn't let him cut the trip short."

The relieved smile that had started turned to a wide-eyed awe as she looked up at him. Then her face went red with a sudden embarrassment as she seemed to finally hear all of what he'd said. "Sam! You tol' him about me? I - you really think, uh, you think he'd be alright meetin' me? I don't wanna intrude, but I. . . I'd really like ta visit you, Sammy, if you really think we could make it work out. . .'n' maybe, you can tell me about, I mean, would you maybe tell me about her? Lila?"

“Course I did. How could I not tell him bout my kids? That was one of the first things he learned about me was how much I loved you. He’s known y’all were part of me since before we were dating. He’s been worried ‘bout you too - askin’ me for updates and to know that yer safe. We can definitely make you visitin’ work out, you look up what you’d wanna see in the city and I’ll make it happen.” Sam promised softly. “And yeah….. I could- I can tell you bout Lila.”

He sighed softly and rested his head against hers, speaking softly. “So, I’d managed to save up to attend a rock concert in Louisville-“