Amanda Sefton (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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xp_logs2004-11-18 10:44 am
xp_daytripper) wrote in xp_logs2004-11-18 10:44 am
Amanda, Angelo - Thursday morning
After this exchange in Amanda's journal, Angelo comes down to her study to talk about Bethany. Amanda is dealing nealry as well as she thinks she is.
When the knock came on the door of the small study she'd appropriated off the library, Amanda wasn't surprised. She'd thought Angelo would have been here faster, actually, but then again, the room wasn't that easy to find. "Come in, Ange," she called, in the middle of pounding up various components for her cold potion. "Door's unlocked."
Angelo pushed the door open and came in quietly, with a glance at her potion ingredients. "Hey, little sis."
"Hey," she replied, voice flat and subdued. "Give us a sec, I just need t' finish this while everythin's fresh." She nodded at the small sofa as she finished with the mortar and pestle and tipped the contents into a mug. "Have a seat." Her whole demeanour screamed 'control' - obviously she was making an attempt to put a brave face on things.
He sat down, watching her carefully, and waited for her to finish up with what she was doing. "You okay?" he asked quietly. "Beth mailed me... she told me what's goin' on."
"I'll survive," she said with a careless shrug as she waited for the electric kettle she'd brought down to boil. She could have done this in the kitchenette of her suite, but she'd wanted the alone time. Besides, Monet tended to complain loudly about the stinks her potions made. Carefully pouring hot water over the ingredients in the mug, she wrinkled her nose at the smell. Monet might have a point about this one. "'S nothin' compared t' the rest of what's goin' on, an' I've been through worse, so I'll deal. No need t' worry." The sniffle that followed the comment might have been from the slight cold she was picking up, but then again, it might not. She certainly paused a bit longer than necessary, her back to Angelo, before picking up the mug and joining him on the sofa.
He looked at her sideways, noting the very slight redness of her eyes, and without another word, reached out to pull her into a one-armed hug. He took care, however, not to make her spill her cold potion.
She wouldn't cry, she wouldn't, not when Angelo was so worried about Jono, and Paige... Gulping, Amanda accepted the hug without returning it, hands wrapped in a death grip around the mug, shoulders a little hunched. "It's not a big deal," she repeated, more to herself than him, trying to convince herself of it. "She had t' leave - 's not her fault. Doesn't mean she doesn't..." Love me... was what she meant to say, but the words wouldn't come out past the lump in her throat, and she took a sip of the potion, not caring as it burned her tongue.
"Yeah, she had to go, an' no, she didn't choose it. But I think we both know that doesn't mean it don't hurt", Angelo said gently. "'s okay if it does, Amanda. Okay to let it."
"I can't," she said, the heat of the mug painful on her hands, but she wasn't letting go of the deathgrip she had on it. "There's too many people who're havin' a hard time, an' they need me t' be able t' help. I can't help if I let meself feel this." She was feeling it however, like someone had taken a rusty razor blade to her heart. "'S my fault," she whispered at last. "I drove her away."
Sighing, he turned fully towards her and pulled her carefully into his arms. "Amanda, you're only human, whatever some people might expect you to be. You're allowed one night off, or however long you need to deal with this. An' I'll explain to the doctors myself if I have to." Hearing her last words, he made her look at him. "It is not your fault, and you did not drive her away. She doesn't even want to go - she told me in the e-mail she was cryin' fit to drown the keyboard."
Surrendering to the hug, her mug left hanging in mid-air without her even thinking about it, Amanda pulled away and buried her face in his shirt. "'S got t' be my fault," she choked out. "My stupid bloody life... who else has demons comin' after 'em? 'Sides Illyana..." The words came out in harsh bursts, past the lump in her throat that was threatening to overwhelm her. "I couldn't protect her from it all. I tried so hard, t' have things be normal for us, but in the end, it weren't enough. The magic, me past... just when I think I've got a shot at gettin' past it, it gets rubbed in me face that I'll never have anythin' normal..."
Angelo, glancing warily at the mug, took it out of the air and put it down on the coffee table, before wrapping his arms around Amanda again. "If it's anyone's fault, it's Patches. An' maybe Jubilee, for bein' a stupid ignorant little girl. Not yours. An' you know what? You can be past it now. The demon's dead an' gone, Rack's in hell where he belongs an' you're free of him... You don't ever have to have anythin' to do with any demon again, way I understand it."
"'S too late for Beth," Amanda hiccupped , hating that whiny sound of her voice, but it just hurt. "An' she was right, I did put her second. I didn't mean to, 's just there's always somethin' happenin' here, an' Manny needs me so much..." The tears were squeezing out despite herself, and she clenched her teeth, trying to stop them. "I couldn't give her what she needed," she grated out.
Angelo just held her, rocking her slightly in an attempt at comfort. "You can't give everybody in your life everythin' they need all the time", he told her quietly. "Much as you want to, if you try, you'll just end up spreadin' yourself too thin an' doin' no one any good. 'Specially yourself. 'm sorry it had to end this way with Beth, but remember it wasn't her choice - an' she's not so far away, really. I'll be keepin' in touch with her... you'll see her again someday, if you want to."
"If Lee wanted t' fuck me up, she's done a bang up job of it," she managed. "She's taken just about everythin'..." The effort of holding everything in was too much, and she let the tears come, sobbing into Angelo's shoulder, holding onto his shirt with almost-desperate clinginess. "Everyone always leaves..."
Angelo's jaw set. He'd be having words with Jubilee later, if he saw or heard one single word from her suggesting hostility towards Amanda. Maybe even if he didn't. But he forced the anger back down for later, having more important things to deal with. "You remember what you told me on the roof, Amanda?" he asked her quietly. "You swore on your name that you'd never leave me unless I told you to. Now, I don't have any oath that binds me quite like that does you, but I swear on my life, here an' now, that I am not goin' anywhere as long as you still want me around. Ever."
"I remember," she managed to say, pulling back slightly so she could look at him. And grope in her pocket for a tissue - she was a mess. "Didn't think yer'd caught that, the name business." She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, but not succeeding very well. "Thanks, big brother. For eveythin'."
He smiled slightly, reaching out to ruffle her hair a little, affectionately. "'s what family's for, isn't it? Least I could do."
When the knock came on the door of the small study she'd appropriated off the library, Amanda wasn't surprised. She'd thought Angelo would have been here faster, actually, but then again, the room wasn't that easy to find. "Come in, Ange," she called, in the middle of pounding up various components for her cold potion. "Door's unlocked."
Angelo pushed the door open and came in quietly, with a glance at her potion ingredients. "Hey, little sis."
"Hey," she replied, voice flat and subdued. "Give us a sec, I just need t' finish this while everythin's fresh." She nodded at the small sofa as she finished with the mortar and pestle and tipped the contents into a mug. "Have a seat." Her whole demeanour screamed 'control' - obviously she was making an attempt to put a brave face on things.
He sat down, watching her carefully, and waited for her to finish up with what she was doing. "You okay?" he asked quietly. "Beth mailed me... she told me what's goin' on."
"I'll survive," she said with a careless shrug as she waited for the electric kettle she'd brought down to boil. She could have done this in the kitchenette of her suite, but she'd wanted the alone time. Besides, Monet tended to complain loudly about the stinks her potions made. Carefully pouring hot water over the ingredients in the mug, she wrinkled her nose at the smell. Monet might have a point about this one. "'S nothin' compared t' the rest of what's goin' on, an' I've been through worse, so I'll deal. No need t' worry." The sniffle that followed the comment might have been from the slight cold she was picking up, but then again, it might not. She certainly paused a bit longer than necessary, her back to Angelo, before picking up the mug and joining him on the sofa.
He looked at her sideways, noting the very slight redness of her eyes, and without another word, reached out to pull her into a one-armed hug. He took care, however, not to make her spill her cold potion.
She wouldn't cry, she wouldn't, not when Angelo was so worried about Jono, and Paige... Gulping, Amanda accepted the hug without returning it, hands wrapped in a death grip around the mug, shoulders a little hunched. "It's not a big deal," she repeated, more to herself than him, trying to convince herself of it. "She had t' leave - 's not her fault. Doesn't mean she doesn't..." Love me... was what she meant to say, but the words wouldn't come out past the lump in her throat, and she took a sip of the potion, not caring as it burned her tongue.
"Yeah, she had to go, an' no, she didn't choose it. But I think we both know that doesn't mean it don't hurt", Angelo said gently. "'s okay if it does, Amanda. Okay to let it."
"I can't," she said, the heat of the mug painful on her hands, but she wasn't letting go of the deathgrip she had on it. "There's too many people who're havin' a hard time, an' they need me t' be able t' help. I can't help if I let meself feel this." She was feeling it however, like someone had taken a rusty razor blade to her heart. "'S my fault," she whispered at last. "I drove her away."
Sighing, he turned fully towards her and pulled her carefully into his arms. "Amanda, you're only human, whatever some people might expect you to be. You're allowed one night off, or however long you need to deal with this. An' I'll explain to the doctors myself if I have to." Hearing her last words, he made her look at him. "It is not your fault, and you did not drive her away. She doesn't even want to go - she told me in the e-mail she was cryin' fit to drown the keyboard."
Surrendering to the hug, her mug left hanging in mid-air without her even thinking about it, Amanda pulled away and buried her face in his shirt. "'S got t' be my fault," she choked out. "My stupid bloody life... who else has demons comin' after 'em? 'Sides Illyana..." The words came out in harsh bursts, past the lump in her throat that was threatening to overwhelm her. "I couldn't protect her from it all. I tried so hard, t' have things be normal for us, but in the end, it weren't enough. The magic, me past... just when I think I've got a shot at gettin' past it, it gets rubbed in me face that I'll never have anythin' normal..."
Angelo, glancing warily at the mug, took it out of the air and put it down on the coffee table, before wrapping his arms around Amanda again. "If it's anyone's fault, it's Patches. An' maybe Jubilee, for bein' a stupid ignorant little girl. Not yours. An' you know what? You can be past it now. The demon's dead an' gone, Rack's in hell where he belongs an' you're free of him... You don't ever have to have anythin' to do with any demon again, way I understand it."
"'S too late for Beth," Amanda hiccupped , hating that whiny sound of her voice, but it just hurt. "An' she was right, I did put her second. I didn't mean to, 's just there's always somethin' happenin' here, an' Manny needs me so much..." The tears were squeezing out despite herself, and she clenched her teeth, trying to stop them. "I couldn't give her what she needed," she grated out.
Angelo just held her, rocking her slightly in an attempt at comfort. "You can't give everybody in your life everythin' they need all the time", he told her quietly. "Much as you want to, if you try, you'll just end up spreadin' yourself too thin an' doin' no one any good. 'Specially yourself. 'm sorry it had to end this way with Beth, but remember it wasn't her choice - an' she's not so far away, really. I'll be keepin' in touch with her... you'll see her again someday, if you want to."
"If Lee wanted t' fuck me up, she's done a bang up job of it," she managed. "She's taken just about everythin'..." The effort of holding everything in was too much, and she let the tears come, sobbing into Angelo's shoulder, holding onto his shirt with almost-desperate clinginess. "Everyone always leaves..."
Angelo's jaw set. He'd be having words with Jubilee later, if he saw or heard one single word from her suggesting hostility towards Amanda. Maybe even if he didn't. But he forced the anger back down for later, having more important things to deal with. "You remember what you told me on the roof, Amanda?" he asked her quietly. "You swore on your name that you'd never leave me unless I told you to. Now, I don't have any oath that binds me quite like that does you, but I swear on my life, here an' now, that I am not goin' anywhere as long as you still want me around. Ever."
"I remember," she managed to say, pulling back slightly so she could look at him. And grope in her pocket for a tissue - she was a mess. "Didn't think yer'd caught that, the name business." She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, but not succeeding very well. "Thanks, big brother. For eveythin'."
He smiled slightly, reaching out to ruffle her hair a little, affectionately. "'s what family's for, isn't it? Least I could do."