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xp_logs2004-04-19 10:09 pm
x-skin.livejournal.com) wrote in xp_logs2004-04-19 10:09 pm
The Prodigals Return...
Well, actually, this is set after they get back, which is being handwaved. Two consecutive logs, starting around 10pm (posted now because 10pm for most of you is 3am for me ;)). The cut-tag text on the first one is Jenni's fault.
Angelo sees Amanda safely in the medlab, and bolts to the woods to try and hold things together, with his last-ditch less-than-healthy coping mechanism. Jono catches him at it.
Once he was sure Amanda was being taken care of, Angelo took advantage of everyone else in the room concentrating on her to slip out while nobody was looking. Barely holding things together, he made for his clearing as fast as he could, soon reaching it.
When he arrived, he sat down on his usual tree stump, took out his cigarettes, and began the usual routine: light cigarette, draw on cigarette, use cigarette as instrument of self-punishment. Unfortunately, he soon discovered that this coping mechanism wasn't working as well as it always had before in dispelling the images and thoughts of guilt-stricken self-loathing swirling around in his head. So he finished that cigarette, moving it from place to place on his arm in between times, and immediately lit another. And then, increasingly desperately, another. Just as he took a fortifying drag on that one, he heard footsteps nearby, looking up sharply to see who was there.
Unbelievable. That was the first thing Jono thought when he saw Angelo. Simply unbelievable how there was no avoiding people anywhere around the mansion. Then he actually realized how distraught Angelo looked, and saw the angry red spots on his arm. Oh, great. He rolled his eyes. "What the hell's up now, Espinosa?" The fact that both Paige and Sarah were gone had not done anything good to his temper.
Angelo glanced up at him, trying to still his shaking, then realised he'd left his sleeve rolled up and pulled it down hastily. "Jono. What you doin' out here at this time of night?"
Jono stomped over to Angelo, noting the trembling hands and the guilty look. "I could ask you the same, you know," he stated, kicking up some leaves. "Pain's nice, then?"
Angelo laughed slightly, bitterly. "Nice? No."
"Oh," Jono looked down at him. "Then you're just stupid."
Angelo ducked his head. "Maybe so. Not like I haven't said it before. Just somethin' I gotta do..."
There was a pause, then there was a kick, catching Angelo in his side. There wasn't much strength behind it, as if it had only been meant to catch Angelo's attention. "Get a grip."
Angelo, head bent, hadn't seen the kick coming and was therefore taken by surprise, toppling sideways off the stump. He blinked up at Jono from the ground. "It's what I was fuckin' tryin' to do, man, 'fore you had to come an' stick your nose in."
Jono stuck his hands into the back pockets of his jeans, raising one scornful eyebrow at Angelo. "Yeah, I can see that. Burning yourself is therapy now?"
Angelo looked suddenly broken, before rallying with sharp anger. "It always worked before. For a while. An' what the hell gives you the right to say I'm wrong?"
"Common sense!" Jono snapped. "It's not enough you're a mutant, you just have to hurt yourself in other ways too?"
"When I deserve it, yes", Angelo snapped back.
"Oh, right, of course." One could have fried chickens in the sarcasm dripping from Jono. "What have you done now to deserve this improvised torture session?"
Angelo shot agilely to his feet, glaring at Jono. "You wanna know? Fine. Amanda's out cold in the medlab right now, she might be dyin' for all I know, an' it's my fault. Happy now?"
"You know what," Jono whipped out his hand, grabbing the front of Angelo's shirt and pulling him forward. "So somehow you hurting yourself is helping her?"
Angelo didn't resist as he was dragged forward, standing nose to nose with Jono. "Maybe not. But I've gotta hold it together somehow, don't I? An' pay for my failures at the same time", he finished in a near-whisper.
"Is this some Catholic penance thing I'm not getting?" Jono narrowed his eyes. "So you fucked up. Stop whinging about it and go sit next to her bed like you're fond of doing." He shoved Angelo away from himself, turning on his heels. "I think it'd help her more if her friends were around but what do I know," he called over his shoulder.
"I'll be down there when she's awake to notice", Angelo answered caustically. "You got a problem with what I choose to do, Jono? Come back over here an' show me. Hit me, c'mon - I'll even give you one free shot."
"Yeah, hit me, baby, one more time, where have I heard that before?" Jono waved his hand dismissively. "Haven't you got enough courage to face what you've done or do you really think having you both hurt is going to help?"
Angelo snapped out an unnaturally long hand to grab Jono's shoulder and spin him round. "You really have no fuckin' idea, do you, Starsmore?"
Jono's face registered surprise for a moment, at the first time he'd ever seen Angelo use his mutation, and also at his apparent aggression. "Do you have any idea how pathetic you are right now?" he said coldly. "Why do you insist on making things worse for yourself?"
Angelo's face twisted. "Because it's what I deserve", he almost shouted. "How many times do I have to say it? I'm givin' you a chance here you've wanted for months, you can't tell me you haven't, an' suddenly you won't take it?"
Hands curling into fists, Jono took a step closer, then halted. "So what if I've wanted it for months? What does it matter? What would it help? Other than your guilt, obviously," he said with forced calm. "I don't know what you think of yourself, but I doubt you deserve all that pain. You're a good person, Angelo, just live with it." He looked aside at the end, eyes dark with sadness.
Angelo let out a sound somewhere between a humorless laugh and a bitten-off sob, staring at Jono desperately. "You won't... I can't... I'm not worth as much as everybody seems to think I am. You're wrong, you're all wrong, an' I just..." He turned away. "Forget it."
Jono lifted his eyes, staring at Angelo's back for a while. "Don't worry," he said, and turned to go. "I will."
Angelo turned back to him, then, seemingly about to say something, then shut his mouth and started to run towards the mansion, only a little shakily, not looking back.
Angelo runs straight to Marie, and comes closer to breaking down completely than ever before.
On leaving the woods - and Jono - at a dead run, Angelo made straight for Marie's suite. He was beyond even thinking about what he was doing at that point, and she was the only person in the mansion he could go to, with Paige away. Arriving at her door, he knocked hard, then leaned against the wall and let himself slide to the floor as he waited for an answer.
Marie was curled up in bed, reading - or rather, staring sleepily at a page - when someone hammering at the door startled her so much that she dropped her book and let out a little shriek. She got out of bed fast, grabbing gloves from under her pillow and ran to the door.
"What on earth...?"
When the door opened, Angelo turned his head wearily to look up at her from the floor. "Marie..."
"Honey, what happened?" Marie finished pulling her gloves on and bent down to help Angelo to his feet. He looked horrible; sweaty and haggard and miserable.
Angelo let her pull him up, head bent, and started to speak in a disturbingly flat tone, not making much sense. "Never again, I said... I swore, I'd never let that happen again. But she was dyin', he was killin' her in front of me, an' what could I do? Just stand there an' watch an' try to keep breathin'... an' it was my fault."
Marie slid an arm around Angelo and helped him into the suite. "It wasn't your fault, honey. You didn't do a thing wrong." She sat him down on the couch and turned the light on so that she could look him over.
Angelo shook his head, shivering. "It was. I gave him the name. I made it so he could do it. My fault..." He looked up at her, eyes full of pain. "I tried... the thing. The thing I do to pay. It was all I could think to do. But it's not workin' anymore."
"Okay, honey." Marie smoothed Angelo's hair back from his face. "We'll get you cleaned up." She tucked a quilt from the back of the couch around him. "Don't you move. I'll be right back."
Angelo curled up on the couch, instinctively pulling the quilt closer around him, still shivering. "Okay", he said softly.
Marie was back in a moment with a first aid kit and some damp cloths. "Give me your arm. You want to tell me what happened?" She sat down on the couch beside him.
Angelo held his arm out mechanically. "We went to Mexico. I didn't want to, but she said she'd ditch me an' go anyway if I tried to get the team in to help. She'd got a letter. From him."
Marie nodded, carefully pulling Angelo's sleeve back. "Right. So you went with her to Mexico." She winced at the mess on his arm - again - and began to clean it gently. "How did you get there?"
"Bus. An' plane. He sent tickets for her, so we just split the money we had to get some for me too." He barely seemed to notice the contact of the cloth on his arm. "I couldn't let her go on her own..."
Marie nodded. "So tell me what happened then." She paused long enough to stroke Angelo's hair gently.
Angelo stared straight forward, eyes bleak. "We got there. We went to Catemaco, to the address in the letter. She only wanted to do the unbindin', get him off her back. An' they were talkin', an' he said somethin' about the link, an' then..." He choked on the words, flinching at nothing perceptible.
"And then what?" Marie laid gauze on his arm and started taping it down. She was watching him out of the corner of her eye for any sign that he might get more agitated.
Angelo went off on an apparent tangent, voice still flat and empty. "She told me, you know. She said, no names. Names have power. An' I had to go an' forget it, didn't I? Had to go an' lose control..."
"It still wasn't your fault," Marie said quietly, knowing it probably wouldn't register. "Rack chose to do what he did. You didn't make him do it."
"Couldn't've done it if it wasn't for me. She was doin' fine, but I gave him the name, Manuel's name, on a plate, an' he did... somethin', must've been to the link, an' broke her concentration, an' that was it."
"He'd have just done something else," Marie told him. "People like that, they don't give up, and they want to hurt. He did it, Angelo. His actions, his choices. You shouldn't have to pay for that."
Angelo curled up on the couch with something very like a whimper. "It didn't work. It always worked before. I don't know how t'make it stop if that doesn't work..."
"You have to forgive yourself," Marie said sadly, rubbing his back. "You didn't do anything wrong, not on purpose, and we all make mistakes. No one is blaming you for any of this, Angelo. You think you'd still have your kneecaps if Pete thought this was your fault?"
Angelo just curled up further, trembling. "I don't know. It feels like my fault..."
"Feelings aren't the whole truth." Marie kept rubbing Angelo's back and shifted so that she was leaning on the arm of the couch, body partly curled around his. "Do you trust me?"
Angelo leaned into her. "Yes. You know I do", he answered quietly.
"I wouldn't lie to you, Skin," she said softly. "Not even to keep you from hurting yourself. This is not your fault. No matter what it feels like, try and have some faith in me."
Angelo nodded, but the pain in his eyes didn't fade. "I... I'll try. I want not to think it is..."
"It's hard, I know." Marie cuddled him against her. "But you'll get through it, honey. We'll keep you good and busy the next few days and it'll fade. When it gets bad you can come and I'll tell you again that it's not your fault."
Angelo leaned back in her arms, resting his head on her shoulder. "Yeah, it'll fade. It always does, sooner or later. An'... yeah. I will."
"We'll deal," she reassured him. "One step at a time. How about you stay here tonight, okay?"
He nodded. "Was goin' to ask if I could." He hesitated, then asked, "D'you... do you know how Amanda's doin'?"
"About the same." Marie said, frowning a little. "She's stable at least, so that's a start. Honey, she has Charles and Dr Strange and Romany and Hank and Mo and Maddy... so many people who care about her and are damn good at their jobs. She'll come through. You need to rest, though. I'll keep an eye on things and wake you if anything happens."
Angelo nodded again, suddenly very, very tired. "Thank you. Stay here for a bit, 'case I can't sleep or somethin'?"
"I'll be close by all night. Kurt's down there and I'll get him or Maddy to tell me if anything changes. I'm going to stay right here until you fall asleep, though. Not moving." Marie tucked the quilt up around Angelo's shoulders and kissed his hair.
Angelo let his eyes fall closed, reaching for her hand. "Thanks", he murmured again, softly.
"You're welcome, honey. I'm glad you came." Marie held Angelo's hand in hers and waited. It didn't take long for exhaustion to claim him and soon he was deep asleep. She slipped away from him to call down to the medlab, not wanting to be gone too long. Angelo's nightmares would be on him soon enough. While she was on the phone, she also left a message for Dr Samson. Then she made tea, and went back to watch over the sleeping boy.
Angelo sees Amanda safely in the medlab, and bolts to the woods to try and hold things together, with his last-ditch less-than-healthy coping mechanism. Jono catches him at it.
Once he was sure Amanda was being taken care of, Angelo took advantage of everyone else in the room concentrating on her to slip out while nobody was looking. Barely holding things together, he made for his clearing as fast as he could, soon reaching it.
When he arrived, he sat down on his usual tree stump, took out his cigarettes, and began the usual routine: light cigarette, draw on cigarette, use cigarette as instrument of self-punishment. Unfortunately, he soon discovered that this coping mechanism wasn't working as well as it always had before in dispelling the images and thoughts of guilt-stricken self-loathing swirling around in his head. So he finished that cigarette, moving it from place to place on his arm in between times, and immediately lit another. And then, increasingly desperately, another. Just as he took a fortifying drag on that one, he heard footsteps nearby, looking up sharply to see who was there.
Unbelievable. That was the first thing Jono thought when he saw Angelo. Simply unbelievable how there was no avoiding people anywhere around the mansion. Then he actually realized how distraught Angelo looked, and saw the angry red spots on his arm. Oh, great. He rolled his eyes. "What the hell's up now, Espinosa?" The fact that both Paige and Sarah were gone had not done anything good to his temper.
Angelo glanced up at him, trying to still his shaking, then realised he'd left his sleeve rolled up and pulled it down hastily. "Jono. What you doin' out here at this time of night?"
Jono stomped over to Angelo, noting the trembling hands and the guilty look. "I could ask you the same, you know," he stated, kicking up some leaves. "Pain's nice, then?"
Angelo laughed slightly, bitterly. "Nice? No."
"Oh," Jono looked down at him. "Then you're just stupid."
Angelo ducked his head. "Maybe so. Not like I haven't said it before. Just somethin' I gotta do..."
There was a pause, then there was a kick, catching Angelo in his side. There wasn't much strength behind it, as if it had only been meant to catch Angelo's attention. "Get a grip."
Angelo, head bent, hadn't seen the kick coming and was therefore taken by surprise, toppling sideways off the stump. He blinked up at Jono from the ground. "It's what I was fuckin' tryin' to do, man, 'fore you had to come an' stick your nose in."
Jono stuck his hands into the back pockets of his jeans, raising one scornful eyebrow at Angelo. "Yeah, I can see that. Burning yourself is therapy now?"
Angelo looked suddenly broken, before rallying with sharp anger. "It always worked before. For a while. An' what the hell gives you the right to say I'm wrong?"
"Common sense!" Jono snapped. "It's not enough you're a mutant, you just have to hurt yourself in other ways too?"
"When I deserve it, yes", Angelo snapped back.
"Oh, right, of course." One could have fried chickens in the sarcasm dripping from Jono. "What have you done now to deserve this improvised torture session?"
Angelo shot agilely to his feet, glaring at Jono. "You wanna know? Fine. Amanda's out cold in the medlab right now, she might be dyin' for all I know, an' it's my fault. Happy now?"
"You know what," Jono whipped out his hand, grabbing the front of Angelo's shirt and pulling him forward. "So somehow you hurting yourself is helping her?"
Angelo didn't resist as he was dragged forward, standing nose to nose with Jono. "Maybe not. But I've gotta hold it together somehow, don't I? An' pay for my failures at the same time", he finished in a near-whisper.
"Is this some Catholic penance thing I'm not getting?" Jono narrowed his eyes. "So you fucked up. Stop whinging about it and go sit next to her bed like you're fond of doing." He shoved Angelo away from himself, turning on his heels. "I think it'd help her more if her friends were around but what do I know," he called over his shoulder.
"I'll be down there when she's awake to notice", Angelo answered caustically. "You got a problem with what I choose to do, Jono? Come back over here an' show me. Hit me, c'mon - I'll even give you one free shot."
"Yeah, hit me, baby, one more time, where have I heard that before?" Jono waved his hand dismissively. "Haven't you got enough courage to face what you've done or do you really think having you both hurt is going to help?"
Angelo snapped out an unnaturally long hand to grab Jono's shoulder and spin him round. "You really have no fuckin' idea, do you, Starsmore?"
Jono's face registered surprise for a moment, at the first time he'd ever seen Angelo use his mutation, and also at his apparent aggression. "Do you have any idea how pathetic you are right now?" he said coldly. "Why do you insist on making things worse for yourself?"
Angelo's face twisted. "Because it's what I deserve", he almost shouted. "How many times do I have to say it? I'm givin' you a chance here you've wanted for months, you can't tell me you haven't, an' suddenly you won't take it?"
Hands curling into fists, Jono took a step closer, then halted. "So what if I've wanted it for months? What does it matter? What would it help? Other than your guilt, obviously," he said with forced calm. "I don't know what you think of yourself, but I doubt you deserve all that pain. You're a good person, Angelo, just live with it." He looked aside at the end, eyes dark with sadness.
Angelo let out a sound somewhere between a humorless laugh and a bitten-off sob, staring at Jono desperately. "You won't... I can't... I'm not worth as much as everybody seems to think I am. You're wrong, you're all wrong, an' I just..." He turned away. "Forget it."
Jono lifted his eyes, staring at Angelo's back for a while. "Don't worry," he said, and turned to go. "I will."
Angelo turned back to him, then, seemingly about to say something, then shut his mouth and started to run towards the mansion, only a little shakily, not looking back.
Angelo runs straight to Marie, and comes closer to breaking down completely than ever before.
On leaving the woods - and Jono - at a dead run, Angelo made straight for Marie's suite. He was beyond even thinking about what he was doing at that point, and she was the only person in the mansion he could go to, with Paige away. Arriving at her door, he knocked hard, then leaned against the wall and let himself slide to the floor as he waited for an answer.
Marie was curled up in bed, reading - or rather, staring sleepily at a page - when someone hammering at the door startled her so much that she dropped her book and let out a little shriek. She got out of bed fast, grabbing gloves from under her pillow and ran to the door.
"What on earth...?"
When the door opened, Angelo turned his head wearily to look up at her from the floor. "Marie..."
"Honey, what happened?" Marie finished pulling her gloves on and bent down to help Angelo to his feet. He looked horrible; sweaty and haggard and miserable.
Angelo let her pull him up, head bent, and started to speak in a disturbingly flat tone, not making much sense. "Never again, I said... I swore, I'd never let that happen again. But she was dyin', he was killin' her in front of me, an' what could I do? Just stand there an' watch an' try to keep breathin'... an' it was my fault."
Marie slid an arm around Angelo and helped him into the suite. "It wasn't your fault, honey. You didn't do a thing wrong." She sat him down on the couch and turned the light on so that she could look him over.
Angelo shook his head, shivering. "It was. I gave him the name. I made it so he could do it. My fault..." He looked up at her, eyes full of pain. "I tried... the thing. The thing I do to pay. It was all I could think to do. But it's not workin' anymore."
"Okay, honey." Marie smoothed Angelo's hair back from his face. "We'll get you cleaned up." She tucked a quilt from the back of the couch around him. "Don't you move. I'll be right back."
Angelo curled up on the couch, instinctively pulling the quilt closer around him, still shivering. "Okay", he said softly.
Marie was back in a moment with a first aid kit and some damp cloths. "Give me your arm. You want to tell me what happened?" She sat down on the couch beside him.
Angelo held his arm out mechanically. "We went to Mexico. I didn't want to, but she said she'd ditch me an' go anyway if I tried to get the team in to help. She'd got a letter. From him."
Marie nodded, carefully pulling Angelo's sleeve back. "Right. So you went with her to Mexico." She winced at the mess on his arm - again - and began to clean it gently. "How did you get there?"
"Bus. An' plane. He sent tickets for her, so we just split the money we had to get some for me too." He barely seemed to notice the contact of the cloth on his arm. "I couldn't let her go on her own..."
Marie nodded. "So tell me what happened then." She paused long enough to stroke Angelo's hair gently.
Angelo stared straight forward, eyes bleak. "We got there. We went to Catemaco, to the address in the letter. She only wanted to do the unbindin', get him off her back. An' they were talkin', an' he said somethin' about the link, an' then..." He choked on the words, flinching at nothing perceptible.
"And then what?" Marie laid gauze on his arm and started taping it down. She was watching him out of the corner of her eye for any sign that he might get more agitated.
Angelo went off on an apparent tangent, voice still flat and empty. "She told me, you know. She said, no names. Names have power. An' I had to go an' forget it, didn't I? Had to go an' lose control..."
"It still wasn't your fault," Marie said quietly, knowing it probably wouldn't register. "Rack chose to do what he did. You didn't make him do it."
"Couldn't've done it if it wasn't for me. She was doin' fine, but I gave him the name, Manuel's name, on a plate, an' he did... somethin', must've been to the link, an' broke her concentration, an' that was it."
"He'd have just done something else," Marie told him. "People like that, they don't give up, and they want to hurt. He did it, Angelo. His actions, his choices. You shouldn't have to pay for that."
Angelo curled up on the couch with something very like a whimper. "It didn't work. It always worked before. I don't know how t'make it stop if that doesn't work..."
"You have to forgive yourself," Marie said sadly, rubbing his back. "You didn't do anything wrong, not on purpose, and we all make mistakes. No one is blaming you for any of this, Angelo. You think you'd still have your kneecaps if Pete thought this was your fault?"
Angelo just curled up further, trembling. "I don't know. It feels like my fault..."
"Feelings aren't the whole truth." Marie kept rubbing Angelo's back and shifted so that she was leaning on the arm of the couch, body partly curled around his. "Do you trust me?"
Angelo leaned into her. "Yes. You know I do", he answered quietly.
"I wouldn't lie to you, Skin," she said softly. "Not even to keep you from hurting yourself. This is not your fault. No matter what it feels like, try and have some faith in me."
Angelo nodded, but the pain in his eyes didn't fade. "I... I'll try. I want not to think it is..."
"It's hard, I know." Marie cuddled him against her. "But you'll get through it, honey. We'll keep you good and busy the next few days and it'll fade. When it gets bad you can come and I'll tell you again that it's not your fault."
Angelo leaned back in her arms, resting his head on her shoulder. "Yeah, it'll fade. It always does, sooner or later. An'... yeah. I will."
"We'll deal," she reassured him. "One step at a time. How about you stay here tonight, okay?"
He nodded. "Was goin' to ask if I could." He hesitated, then asked, "D'you... do you know how Amanda's doin'?"
"About the same." Marie said, frowning a little. "She's stable at least, so that's a start. Honey, she has Charles and Dr Strange and Romany and Hank and Mo and Maddy... so many people who care about her and are damn good at their jobs. She'll come through. You need to rest, though. I'll keep an eye on things and wake you if anything happens."
Angelo nodded again, suddenly very, very tired. "Thank you. Stay here for a bit, 'case I can't sleep or somethin'?"
"I'll be close by all night. Kurt's down there and I'll get him or Maddy to tell me if anything changes. I'm going to stay right here until you fall asleep, though. Not moving." Marie tucked the quilt up around Angelo's shoulders and kissed his hair.
Angelo let his eyes fall closed, reaching for her hand. "Thanks", he murmured again, softly.
"You're welcome, honey. I'm glad you came." Marie held Angelo's hand in hers and waited. It didn't take long for exhaustion to claim him and soon he was deep asleep. She slipped away from him to call down to the medlab, not wanting to be gone too long. Angelo's nightmares would be on him soon enough. While she was on the phone, she also left a message for Dr Samson. Then she made tea, and went back to watch over the sleeping boy.
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*g*