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xp_logsNathan's home, and comes across Amanda and Meggan outside. It becomes pretty obvious she needs help, although she's trying hard not to admit it.
Sunny days were good, Amanda decided. It meant she could take Meggan outside and play with her until the little girl got tired, and then they'd curl up in the sun and Amanda would read to her until she fell asleep. Usually Amanda would then swap the book for one of her text books -maths, this time, in a vague attempt to try and pass her finals - and try and study as much as she could while Meggan napped. Only this time the combination of sun, a dead boring textbook and the fact she'd been running short on sleep was working to put her to sleep as well.
It wasn't hard at all to track Amanda down. Nathan followed the familiar mental impression outside, smiling at the sight of her and Meggan on one of the benches, Meggan curled up on Amanda's lap, Amanda's head drooping. He sat down on the unoccupied end of the bench, waiting for a moment before he cleared his throat lightly.
Amanda's head jerked up, and she squeaked a little, before spotting Nathan. A broad grin crossed her face as she saw him, although with Meggan asleep in her lap she couldn't do much more than reach over and squeeze his hand. "When did you get back?"
"Very, very early this morning," he said with a smile, squeezing her hand back and careful to keep his voice low so that he didn't disturb Meggan. "Moira's on Muir - she'll be back in a few days, but I figured I needed to get back here to run exams." He chuckled. "I've had a very productive morning. I've already had a check-up down in medlab and gotten breakfast - jetlag hits me in funny ways."
"You look good - all tanned an' relaxed. How's the back? An' how's Moira an' the baby?" Amanda shifted slightly as her leg was starting to go numb.
"They're both just fine." Nathan smiled out at the grounds, caressing the peaceful murmur of Moira's sleeping thoughts on the link. So much less tension there than there had been even two weeks ago. "You should see some of the pictures I got."
"Good - you all needed the break." And it was best they hadn't been around for the mess surrounding Paige's leaving. "I'll have t' drop 'round sometime an' see 'em, once you're settled an' unpacked an' all." And she could find half an hour spare on the schedule she'd drawn up after that conversation with Scott. It hadn't seemed possible to account for every single hour of every day, but it had filled up with scary speed.
She was looking definitely frazzled. "You should bring Meg with you," he suggested. "She'd like the pictures too, I think."
"We've been visitin' Bella - Miles looks after her real well, an' the three of 'em are adorable together." Amanda looked down at the sleeping face on her lap and smiled, picking a few fragments of grass out of Meggan's fur. "An' she's been askin' where you both were an' when you'd be back. She'd like t' visit." And she wouldn't have to arrange a sitter from among her long-suffering friends again. Bad enough she had to do that whenever she wanted to talk to Manuel.
"You're looking a little on the disgruntled side, mi'caehla," Nathan said easily, giving her shoulder a little nudge with his. "What's up?"
"Things've been the usual 'round here," she replied with a shrug, not wanting to admit that maybe she wasn't coping. If it was just Meggan, she'd be fine. But it was Meggan, and trying to catch up in classes, and Strange's lessons and trying to have a social life and actually see her friends... Plus the worry that people were waiting for her to slip up and tell her she couldn't deal with everything. "'S tirin', tryin' t' be in five places at once."
"Also quite literally impossible, as you're not Jamie," Nathan pointed out, frowning a bit at her. "Part of the reason for bringing Meggan back here was to have the support structure, correct?" Why did he get the sense that she was loathe to take full advantage of that?
Reluctantly, Amanda nodded. "I've been usin' it, Nate. Gettin' people t' look after her for me, that sort of thing. It's just... it feels like I'm leavin' her too much, gettin' people t' do my job for me. Like I'm not pullin' me weight as far as the responsibility goes." Unconsciously she was echoing some of his words from their talk, about the responsibility she was taking on. "I'm fine. 'S just been a bit much this week, with other people needin' me as well."
"You do remember me telling you that doing it all yourself wasn't an option?" Nathan asked, remembering that conversation all too well himself. He raised one hand, palm up. "There's the impossible standard that any parent aspires to," he said, and then let his other hand move up and down, "and then there's what you can do. Which changes over time, depending on what else is going on."
With a sigh, Amanda's shoulders slumped, and she looked down at Meggan's sleeping face again. 'Sorry, love.' she thought. "'M screwin' it up, aren't I?" she said. "Like I thought I would."
"Bullshit," Nathan said, gently but firmly. "You've hardly started, Amanda. You do need to get it through your head that making sure she's looked after so that you can see to some of your own needs isn't a defeat or a failure, though. As long as she's being looked after, and as long as you're not actually shuffling all of the responsibility off on others, everything's fine."
"How do I know how much t' let people help, tho'?" she asked, sounding honestly confused. "How much is too much? I don't want people thinkin' I'm tryin' t' push all the work off onto other people, but I need time t' study, an' Strange is really pushin' with the magic - he says I'm at a point where I can't afford t' slack off, not without messin' things up for meself bigtime. An' I can't study the magic with Meg in the same room - I want t' keep her away from all that." A hint of desperation entered her voice. "I've already cut all the fun classes out, an' the ones that take too much time for what I get out of 'em job-wise." Including the languages. Those had been a wrench.
"You use your own judgement," Nathan said evenly, though part of him hurt, listening to her. She was eighteen years old, and whether or not Meggan was a responsibility freely undertaken, that only meant she had willingly put herself in the position of sacrificing a great deal of the freedom and opportunities she'd so recently gained.
He didn't want to see her an old woman at twenty, bitter about missed chances and lost opportunities.
"You trust your own judgement," he said, "and you trust us to tell you if you're going too far. I know that doesn't really help you to not make a mistake in the first place," he said with a quick, rueful smile, "but you can't expect to know, Amanda. You can't expect to do it all right, from the beginning, if for no other reason that you don't have a stable parenting model to work from."
"I'm tryin', only..." She hesitated, and then continued. She'd always been able to talk to Nathan. "I'm scared they'll take her away," she said at last. "My history, me problem with the magic, what happened back last year with the drinkin' an' the rest... I'm the last person who should be lookin' after a kid, an' it feels like if I slip, if I show I can't cope... I won't get another chance. They'll take her away, keep me away from her."
"The only reason they'd do that is if you did something to hurt her," Nathan said evenly. "Leaving her with a babysitter, even if it's so that you and Manuel can go out and do what you and Manuel do, doesn't qualify. Even if you do it on a semi-regular basis. Leaving her with someone so that you can study, or assist in the medlab, qualifies even less."
He gave her a long, thoughtful look. "I know we gave you a pretty hard time at first," he said, "but please don't think we're all standing around waiting for you to make a mistake so that we can jump on it. All of us want to see you succeed in this, Amanda."
Amanda was quiet for a long while, thinking over what he'd said. She'd done things the way she usually did them, took what was said to her to extremes. No middle ground. "I'd never hurt her," she said softly. "I only want t' do good by her." Then she looked up at him, and took a deep breath. "I need help, workin' out schedules an' the like. How much time is enough for me t' spend on other things. Scott said writin' it down helps, but it just seems like I've got no time spare at all now."
"Then scheduling is what we'll do," he said promptly, then grinned. "And trust me, I'm something of an expert at it. Remember, I was raising a child and working black ops at the same time as I got three university degrees. Admittedly, I never would have been able to do without Aliya, but you have just as much support here. The only challenge is utilizing it properly and efficiently."
The smile Amanda gave him was relieved and thankful, and she reached for his hand again, to give it a tight squeeze. "Thanks, Nate," she said, and then her grin turned wry. "Why is it things always make more sense when I talk 'em over with you?"
His grin softened, turned warmer. "Well, I don't know about always," he said, "but it is good to know that I do help sometimes. Thank you." He gave her hand a squeeze back, then chuckled. "By the way, noticing something? Or the lack of something, rather..."
She hadn't, but now he'd brought her attention to it, she realised the lack of a cane. "You're walkin' under yer own power?" she asked, her grin turning delighted. "No more stick?"
"No more stick. At least for short strolls," Nathan said with an answering grin. "Not sure I'm up to hikes on my own, yet, but this is definitely progress." He leaned back against the bench with a soft laugh. "I was just... pretty much totally relaxed for the whole time. That helped almost as much as the therapy Moira somehow managed to keep me doing, honeymoon or no honeymoon. You know, she chased me into the hotel spa four days running because they used the thermal springs for their therapeutic value? Me in a spa, though... it was hilarious."
"Sounds like exactly what you both needed," Amanda said, shifting again as Meggan stirred sightly. "'S bloody good t' see you lookin' so much better, Nate. I was worried 'bout you." Then Meggan squirmed again and opened her yellow eyes.
"Nate!" she crowed, and bounced into his lap.
"Ooof!" Nathan teased, giving her a hug, then smiled at Amanda. "We had a great time," he said more seriously, "but it's good to be home."
Sunny days were good, Amanda decided. It meant she could take Meggan outside and play with her until the little girl got tired, and then they'd curl up in the sun and Amanda would read to her until she fell asleep. Usually Amanda would then swap the book for one of her text books -maths, this time, in a vague attempt to try and pass her finals - and try and study as much as she could while Meggan napped. Only this time the combination of sun, a dead boring textbook and the fact she'd been running short on sleep was working to put her to sleep as well.
It wasn't hard at all to track Amanda down. Nathan followed the familiar mental impression outside, smiling at the sight of her and Meggan on one of the benches, Meggan curled up on Amanda's lap, Amanda's head drooping. He sat down on the unoccupied end of the bench, waiting for a moment before he cleared his throat lightly.
Amanda's head jerked up, and she squeaked a little, before spotting Nathan. A broad grin crossed her face as she saw him, although with Meggan asleep in her lap she couldn't do much more than reach over and squeeze his hand. "When did you get back?"
"Very, very early this morning," he said with a smile, squeezing her hand back and careful to keep his voice low so that he didn't disturb Meggan. "Moira's on Muir - she'll be back in a few days, but I figured I needed to get back here to run exams." He chuckled. "I've had a very productive morning. I've already had a check-up down in medlab and gotten breakfast - jetlag hits me in funny ways."
"You look good - all tanned an' relaxed. How's the back? An' how's Moira an' the baby?" Amanda shifted slightly as her leg was starting to go numb.
"They're both just fine." Nathan smiled out at the grounds, caressing the peaceful murmur of Moira's sleeping thoughts on the link. So much less tension there than there had been even two weeks ago. "You should see some of the pictures I got."
"Good - you all needed the break." And it was best they hadn't been around for the mess surrounding Paige's leaving. "I'll have t' drop 'round sometime an' see 'em, once you're settled an' unpacked an' all." And she could find half an hour spare on the schedule she'd drawn up after that conversation with Scott. It hadn't seemed possible to account for every single hour of every day, but it had filled up with scary speed.
She was looking definitely frazzled. "You should bring Meg with you," he suggested. "She'd like the pictures too, I think."
"We've been visitin' Bella - Miles looks after her real well, an' the three of 'em are adorable together." Amanda looked down at the sleeping face on her lap and smiled, picking a few fragments of grass out of Meggan's fur. "An' she's been askin' where you both were an' when you'd be back. She'd like t' visit." And she wouldn't have to arrange a sitter from among her long-suffering friends again. Bad enough she had to do that whenever she wanted to talk to Manuel.
"You're looking a little on the disgruntled side, mi'caehla," Nathan said easily, giving her shoulder a little nudge with his. "What's up?"
"Things've been the usual 'round here," she replied with a shrug, not wanting to admit that maybe she wasn't coping. If it was just Meggan, she'd be fine. But it was Meggan, and trying to catch up in classes, and Strange's lessons and trying to have a social life and actually see her friends... Plus the worry that people were waiting for her to slip up and tell her she couldn't deal with everything. "'S tirin', tryin' t' be in five places at once."
"Also quite literally impossible, as you're not Jamie," Nathan pointed out, frowning a bit at her. "Part of the reason for bringing Meggan back here was to have the support structure, correct?" Why did he get the sense that she was loathe to take full advantage of that?
Reluctantly, Amanda nodded. "I've been usin' it, Nate. Gettin' people t' look after her for me, that sort of thing. It's just... it feels like I'm leavin' her too much, gettin' people t' do my job for me. Like I'm not pullin' me weight as far as the responsibility goes." Unconsciously she was echoing some of his words from their talk, about the responsibility she was taking on. "I'm fine. 'S just been a bit much this week, with other people needin' me as well."
"You do remember me telling you that doing it all yourself wasn't an option?" Nathan asked, remembering that conversation all too well himself. He raised one hand, palm up. "There's the impossible standard that any parent aspires to," he said, and then let his other hand move up and down, "and then there's what you can do. Which changes over time, depending on what else is going on."
With a sigh, Amanda's shoulders slumped, and she looked down at Meggan's sleeping face again. 'Sorry, love.' she thought. "'M screwin' it up, aren't I?" she said. "Like I thought I would."
"Bullshit," Nathan said, gently but firmly. "You've hardly started, Amanda. You do need to get it through your head that making sure she's looked after so that you can see to some of your own needs isn't a defeat or a failure, though. As long as she's being looked after, and as long as you're not actually shuffling all of the responsibility off on others, everything's fine."
"How do I know how much t' let people help, tho'?" she asked, sounding honestly confused. "How much is too much? I don't want people thinkin' I'm tryin' t' push all the work off onto other people, but I need time t' study, an' Strange is really pushin' with the magic - he says I'm at a point where I can't afford t' slack off, not without messin' things up for meself bigtime. An' I can't study the magic with Meg in the same room - I want t' keep her away from all that." A hint of desperation entered her voice. "I've already cut all the fun classes out, an' the ones that take too much time for what I get out of 'em job-wise." Including the languages. Those had been a wrench.
"You use your own judgement," Nathan said evenly, though part of him hurt, listening to her. She was eighteen years old, and whether or not Meggan was a responsibility freely undertaken, that only meant she had willingly put herself in the position of sacrificing a great deal of the freedom and opportunities she'd so recently gained.
He didn't want to see her an old woman at twenty, bitter about missed chances and lost opportunities.
"You trust your own judgement," he said, "and you trust us to tell you if you're going too far. I know that doesn't really help you to not make a mistake in the first place," he said with a quick, rueful smile, "but you can't expect to know, Amanda. You can't expect to do it all right, from the beginning, if for no other reason that you don't have a stable parenting model to work from."
"I'm tryin', only..." She hesitated, and then continued. She'd always been able to talk to Nathan. "I'm scared they'll take her away," she said at last. "My history, me problem with the magic, what happened back last year with the drinkin' an' the rest... I'm the last person who should be lookin' after a kid, an' it feels like if I slip, if I show I can't cope... I won't get another chance. They'll take her away, keep me away from her."
"The only reason they'd do that is if you did something to hurt her," Nathan said evenly. "Leaving her with a babysitter, even if it's so that you and Manuel can go out and do what you and Manuel do, doesn't qualify. Even if you do it on a semi-regular basis. Leaving her with someone so that you can study, or assist in the medlab, qualifies even less."
He gave her a long, thoughtful look. "I know we gave you a pretty hard time at first," he said, "but please don't think we're all standing around waiting for you to make a mistake so that we can jump on it. All of us want to see you succeed in this, Amanda."
Amanda was quiet for a long while, thinking over what he'd said. She'd done things the way she usually did them, took what was said to her to extremes. No middle ground. "I'd never hurt her," she said softly. "I only want t' do good by her." Then she looked up at him, and took a deep breath. "I need help, workin' out schedules an' the like. How much time is enough for me t' spend on other things. Scott said writin' it down helps, but it just seems like I've got no time spare at all now."
"Then scheduling is what we'll do," he said promptly, then grinned. "And trust me, I'm something of an expert at it. Remember, I was raising a child and working black ops at the same time as I got three university degrees. Admittedly, I never would have been able to do without Aliya, but you have just as much support here. The only challenge is utilizing it properly and efficiently."
The smile Amanda gave him was relieved and thankful, and she reached for his hand again, to give it a tight squeeze. "Thanks, Nate," she said, and then her grin turned wry. "Why is it things always make more sense when I talk 'em over with you?"
His grin softened, turned warmer. "Well, I don't know about always," he said, "but it is good to know that I do help sometimes. Thank you." He gave her hand a squeeze back, then chuckled. "By the way, noticing something? Or the lack of something, rather..."
She hadn't, but now he'd brought her attention to it, she realised the lack of a cane. "You're walkin' under yer own power?" she asked, her grin turning delighted. "No more stick?"
"No more stick. At least for short strolls," Nathan said with an answering grin. "Not sure I'm up to hikes on my own, yet, but this is definitely progress." He leaned back against the bench with a soft laugh. "I was just... pretty much totally relaxed for the whole time. That helped almost as much as the therapy Moira somehow managed to keep me doing, honeymoon or no honeymoon. You know, she chased me into the hotel spa four days running because they used the thermal springs for their therapeutic value? Me in a spa, though... it was hilarious."
"Sounds like exactly what you both needed," Amanda said, shifting again as Meggan stirred sightly. "'S bloody good t' see you lookin' so much better, Nate. I was worried 'bout you." Then Meggan squirmed again and opened her yellow eyes.
"Nate!" she crowed, and bounced into his lap.
"Ooof!" Nathan teased, giving her a hug, then smiled at Amanda. "We had a great time," he said more seriously, "but it's good to be home."
