Conversations with blonds beginning with A

[x-polarisstar.livejournal.com]

Saturday: Lorna wibbles at Alison over the events of this conversation with Alex. Alison points out what she already knows and gives her some more food for thought.



Lorna dragged Alison into her suite and threw herself on the couch. "I don't know what to do," she declared, still holding onto Alison's wrist like the older woman was going to escape. To be sure, she had probably been on her way somewhere else when Lorna had snatched her out of the hallway but Lorna was having a crisis.

Eyeing her wrist for a moment, Alison pondered the situation. Clearly, this was one of those 'must talk or go boom!' moments which cropped up now and then. Which usually meant one of them finding the other and much dragging about to safe place ensuing. Looking around, Alison confirmed where they were. Understandably so, considering how quickly her environment had changed, from 'going to gym' to 'Lorna and Alex's suite'.

"Ookay. 'Bout what?" Twisting around to flop comfortably on the couch next to Lorna with her wrist still securely held, she looked at the green haired woman and waited for an explanation.

Lorna flicked her hand at the door to lock it then shifted around to face Alison. "Alex. Me. Things." Because that was far from the most coherent explanation that she'd ever given, Lorna sighed, dragged a hand through her hair and tried again. "I don't know what to do about him. He's just…he doesn't think well of himself."

"As in low self-esteem does not think well of himself? Or 'I suck as a human being augh' does not think well of himself?" She wasn't trying to make light of what Lorna was attempting to say, really. The state Lorna was in right now was one of those times where giving a multiple choice answer usually netted one better results.

"Underestimates himself. He buys into that goofy, blond surfer image like that's all he is." Lorna shook her head, frustrated. "I don't get it."

It was such a good thing Alison had been staring at the ceiling when Lorna said those words, rather than having her face be too visible. Her lips were still twitching madly though as she glanced back into puzzled green eyes. "You don't get it, huh?"

"No. He doesn't think that he's important. Like you or I." That last was delivered with great cynicism. "Like only being an X-men and risking blood and bone or being a teacher is worthy of praise."

"You know, you did that for the longest time too, Lorna." Offering a crooked smile to soften the delivery of that blunt statement, Alison then thought over what Lorna had said further. "And why do you think he's got that one stuck in his head?"

"I never did! Well, except for the anorexia thing and that was totally different." She curled up and placed her chin on her knees. "I don't know. Because it's not true and he hates the fact that I'm an X-men anyway! He doesn't want me fighting and it drives him crazy whenever we're on a mission."

"Mmm. Sure thing, Miss Valley Girl I'm only good for Cooking ma'am." Twisting around a bit, Alison pondered freeing her wrist before Lorna fussed it to death - she was still holding onto it. Alex had never been shy about saying he wanted nothing to do with the team. It was a good thing, as far as Alison was concerned, at least in that it meant one person staying out of that brand of trouble for sure. "Well, how'd you feel if he were team and not you?"

"I'd hate it. I'd probably beg him not to. I didn't really want to in the first place but better me than the kids, right?" Lorna sighed and let go of Alison, grabbing her own wrist instead. "I don’t… it's not that he hates it. It's that he hates it but thinks it's more important than he is. I know a big part of why we're going all the way to Hawaii is so that I can't be on the team anymore."

"His way of testing what your choice might be, both in the short or long term, without making it an actual confrontation?" It was pure guesswork, Alison wriggling a bit on the couch to settle in comfortably. This might take a while, she suspected. "It'd tie into his lack of belief in his importance, but be a way to test what he is to you?"

"I don't know. I don't think that he'd say it was that and I don't know if it really is or if I'm just making it be that. I don't get why he's never ever asked me to stop being on the team. He just...accepts it like it's not important that he hates it." Lorna chafed at her wrist, turning her thin, gold bracelet around.

"Stop mangling your wrist," Alison said calmly, before staring up at the ceiling pensively. "Look. Not a mind reader here. And I don't know Alex that well, not nearly as well as you or say, Scott might." And that led down another thought, at that. "You may want to discuss the team angle with Scott. Maybe Shiro as well. Three of his most important people are involved in something he wants to part of... eh, maybe there's a pattern there he can't see as giving him room to state his wants?"

"But what do I say to Alex? We can't avoid it forever--not for lack of trying though. And I don't want to get into a big, ugly fight about it." She dropped her wrist and twisted her hand around her necklace instead. "I just...I don't want him to think that I care more about the team than I do about him.

"Just lay it out into the open. One argument won't break you up," the words 'this time' went unsaid, "and it doesn't need to turn into a big ugly fight. And if you start with 'hey, you are more important to me and that's a fact' it might help to settle things. Eh, I'm not the expert on this." Sighing, Alison refocused on Lorna. "But it's bugging you and it's bugging him and letting it hang there between you two? That's worse."

Lorna sighed. "Yeah, you're right. I just...our anniversary is next week. Maybe I should wait?" She didn't sound like she had much hope of that being a good plan. "I don't even know how to bring it up. What do I say?"

"Beats me. Has to come from you, however messed up or perfect sounding it is, there." Reaching over, Alison poked Lorna in the ribs lightly. "No waiting. It'd be hanging right there between you during the anniversary. And then you'll stall more. And more." Another light poke. "No stalling, mmm?"

Lorna made a face and let go of her necklace, a tiny emerald heart on a gold chain. "Yes, ma'am." She shifted and gave Alison a hug. "How about just a little stalling?"

It was an awkward hug considering Alison was still lying down, but it that was hardly an issue when one was willing to contort oneself into a pretzel for one's best friend. "No stalling," she replied serenely – though it wouldn't matter what Alison said in the end. This was entirely in Lorna's hands.

"Meanie." Lorna tumbled off the couch and wandered off toward the kitchenette. "I'll talk to him tomorrow." Her resolve seemed a little shaky and the appearance of it was much stronger than she felt. But appearances were everything.


Sunday: The next day, Lorna pushes Alex for answers that he doesn't quite have. Hawaii, marriage and training are discussed and while nothing bad happens, all is not well.



After another long day of lifeguarding, Alex was sitting on the couch, curled up with an ice cold Coke watching A New Hope. He was just wearing his suit and his long boarding shorts as he sat under the ceiling fan to cool off.

Lorna came in with her head bent over a folder, muttering to herself. Her revised training schedule had just been handed down and there was a noticeable increase in Danger Room time. Apparently going into semi-retirement didn't get her any slack. She glanced over at Alex, "Hey."

Glancing over the top of couch at her as she walked in, Alex waved a hand at her. "Hey yourself." He grinned as he sat up, pausing the movie. "Whatcha got there?"

"Training schedules," she replies absently, thinking still about how she was going to have to rearrange her days and trying to integrate this with her still considerable work on transferring all her other responsibilities to the most appropriate party. Plus they needed to find her an apartment in Hawaii. She was beginning to think she should just ask her parents to find one for her; it seemed like she wasn't going to have any time.

Alex wrinkled his nose as he stood to wrap his arms around her waist. "Training schedules? But your leaving soon...Don't you have enough to do in the meantime? I've been looking for apartments online...but nothing with what we want." He sighed sadly, the work was just never ending.

She kissed his cheek just as absently. "I thought I might ask mom and dad to check it out for us. You can't really tell from internet ads." She closed the folder before he could see inside it, hiding her workload from him neatly. "You can take the training up with your brother. He's the one who sets the schedule. I don't argue with the fearless leader."

Frowning slightly, Alex just sighed then leaned in and kissed her. "Don't give me ideas, I just might do that. If he will listen..." Then he moved back to the kitchenette to get another Coke. "Can I get you anything, love?"

She sighed, frustrated and followed him into the kitchen. "No, thanks. I was just joking. You can't ask Scott to cut my training. This is what I signed up for." She sat down at the table and propped her chin on her palm. "Besides, Hawaii isn't that far away, right?" There was only the slightest shading of cynicism to that.

"Well, a boy can try can't he? You admitted yourself I don't like seeing you fight." He frowned again as he reached into the fridge for another soda. His expression changed to worried as he sat down across from her. "You're not having second thoughts are you?"

Lorna studied at him for a little while before answering. "No. I love you and I'll go where you do." There's no hesitation in her tone. Her eyebrow twitched upward, "Is that what you want to hear? That I will choose you first?" Alison had made her consider it and Lorna wasn't sure that it was entirely off base.

Alex spit out the gulp of soda he had taken, creating a brown puddle on the table. "What?! That's not what I asked...Lorna, you know that if you wanted to stay here, I wouldn't have a problem. I'd miss you...but I love you and what you want is just as important to me." He was in shock, couldn't even believe that's what she's think. Unable to stay still, he stood up and began to pace a bit.

She stayed where she was, tracking him with her eyes. "You wouldn't have a problem? Why wouldn't you have a problem? I'd have a problem with it if our situations were reversed. You've never asked me to choose. Why not?" She knew she was more selfish than he. Knew she was less understanding. And yet...

"Because I wouldn't keep you from doing what you want! You are supporting me in this Hawaii venture, why should I deny you the same support? Do you really take me for being that selfish?!" Alex then turned to her after taking a few calming breaths, aware that his voice was raised slightly. "I never asked, you're right. When I mentioned I wanted to go to Hawaii, You came up with the idea. I thought it was what you wanted."

She got up and grabbed a sponge to wipe off the table. "Because you hate it. Because if you were the one coming back with bruises and broken bones and powers burn out, I'd have demanded a long time ago that you stop. Yeah, I'm much more selfish than you are but that can't be it. Why don’t you ask me to stop?"

He stood staring at her with wide eyes for a few moments before ducking his head and rubbing his temples. "Because it's obvious it's something you need to do alright? Polaris...it's a part of you. It's not a part I like...but it's you, and I love you." He hugged his arms around himself before turning away slightly, his voice soft now. "If you can accept the Havok in me...I can accept the Polaris in you..."

His words said one thing but his body language denied it. "Polaris is a role. I'll walk away with a clean conscience so long as there is someone to protect the kids." She dropped the sponge in the sink and wiped her hands off before going to him, touching his shoulder gently. "Havok...still scares you? You don't train even as much as the kids." She had no idea what she was doing or why she was asking. But she had to try something. He had scared her last Tuesday.

Alex closed his eyes, forcing himself not to turn away from her. "He terrifies me. It's a part of me I wish I could just forget...the suit helps, but I know it's just a crutch to fix what She broke." He shook his head slowly. "But this isn't what this about...this is about you. Honestly, is coming to Hawaii with me really what you want? Because if it's not...I understand."

"It's not about me. Not really." She slid her hand down his arm and pulled at his hand until he let her lace her fingers with his. "I told you. I love you and I will always go where you do. Yes, I want to go to Hawaii. For me as much as you. But this really is about you. It's about you believing in yourself."

He turned to her, an eyebrow raised as he was truly confused. "Where are you going with this? First you seem to have second thoughts about Hawaii, making it look like I'm pressuring you, then you question on why I don't make you stop fighting and now you ask about me believing in myself. Excuse me while I have a blond moment because I'm honestly confused...."

"I've never had second thoughts about Hawaii," she said. "My questions were all the same, why don't you ask for something? Why are you just accepting that I continue to make choices that you know that I know you hate? And it's things like that "blond moment" that make me wonder...is it because you think I don't care or that you're not important enough for me to choose."

He visibly winced and had to fight with himself not to pull away. "I...I don't think either of those. You are a grown woman...you don't need some kid making decisions for you." Alex opened his eyes as he realized what he'd just said, in fact given her an answer to her question...and not an answer either of them liked.

She looked stricken. "Alex, I..." Two years ago, she'd contended that their age difference was too great to be ignored. She couldn't dismiss it easily even now. "Your opinion matters. Your wants matter. We're in this together and you have every right to ask me for anything. I might not say yes and we might fight about it but...Christ, you're not a child, you're my boyfriend who I plan on marrying!" Her eyes went wide and she clapped her free hand over her mouth. That was not what she'd meant to say.

Alex turned to her with wide eyes, total surprise on his face. That had definitely not been what he'd been expecting to hear. He opened his mouth to say something...then closed it again as no words came to him. Figuring he had best respond somehow, he turned to take her hands in his, kissing their joined knuckles, giving him time to think.

Her hand was still over her mouth and her brain seemed to have stopped entirely while her heart galloped at a hundred miles an hour. She wished rather desperately for time to reverse so she could take back that last. She'd sworn to herself that she wouldn't push him. That she'd wait for him to be ready so he wasn't scared off. The world seemed to pause for her while she waited for him to say something...anything.

Finally realizing it would have to be him to break the silence, Alex looked up through his bangs, blue eyes still wide from the sudden announcement. "You...you're serious? I mean...I know we say it and all, but in this context...really?" He knew he wasn't making much sense but he hoped she understood, but tried to clarify anyway. "I...I thought the age difference bothered you?"

For a moment, she was at a loss for words, not sure what to say. Finally her hand slipped down until only her fingertips rested on her lips. "I'm serious. I used to bother me and sometimes it's a little weird but...it's not like you're in high school." Far from eloquent on her part. Nerves did that to her.

He shook his head. "No...I'm not. Not anymore...but just barely. I...I don't want you to do something that years down the road...you would regret..." It's one of the reasons Alex had never brought it up, one of the many but one of the more important. Maybe Lorna had a point about this not believing in himself...

Lorna shrugged and let her hand fall away from her face. "I love you. That's not going to change. We've been through hell already. I just don't want to rush you. You said you wanted to wait until we were older and that's okay with me. I'm not going to change my mind."

"I wanted to wait...because..." He bit his lip, hoping he didn't regret mentioning this. "Everytime I thought about, that stupid letter of yours came up in my mind and I...I couldn't bare to bring up the idea of you marrying a child. I figured if we waited...until we were both technically adults...it would be easier for you to take."

"Christ." Lorna shook her head, "Can we pretend that damn thing never happened? You're technically an adult, Alex. I'm not going to get arrested for sleeping with you. Right now the biggest problem I have is that I don't think you are ready. Not because you're not old enough but because you don't trust enough. You or me."

"See, part of that is wrong. I trust you with my very life, my soul..." Then he got into avoidance mood again and ducked his head. "It's me I don't trust."

"I need you to fix that." She reached out and took his chin, lifting it so he was looking at her again. "Because I need you too much to have you doubting yourself. And you should trust yourself anyway. Not just for me but because you can't hold onto this pain forever. We've come a long way, love. There's more to do."

He shook his head quickly. "I know what you're thinking...and it's not that. It's just...this place would have me doubting myself anyway. I'm not good at anything, like you and cooking or Shiro and drawing or Jay and music. I'm not smart like Doug or Kitty. I don't want to be an activist like Terry or Forge. I can't even bring myself to become a trainee like most of the kids my age because I don't want to fight. I was honest when I said I just wanna stay back and play with the younger kids..." Alex sighed and leaned forward to place his forehead against hers. "It's why I need to leave...to find myself. Something I'm good at, something I can be. Something I can share with you...instead of the other way around like it is now..."

And somehow that's worse. She wanted it to be a single thing. Something she can blame on someone. Not this vague unease with himself. "Then we'll go. But you're more than you think you are. You might not see it but ask anyone and they'll tell you." She kissed him. Then her watch alarm beeped and she grimaced. "I have to go. Training."

He gave her a small smile, knowing she was just saying that to make him feel better. But it didn't; in fact, it hurt him that she'd noticed now and was trying to do something about it, when truly, there wasn't anything to do. Giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, he gave her a playful wink. "Tell Nathan to let you come back in one piece this time, alright?"

"Sparring this time with Ororo. I'll tell her to be gentle." She gave him a hug and another kiss. "I'm serious, hon. Ask someone. Not me, I'm your girlfriend and I'm contractually obligated to tell you how wonderful you are. Pick anyone else." She pulled away so she could leave.

Alex rolled his eyes playfully, knowing he only had to keep it up till she was out the door, in hopes of slightly calming her fears. "I will, I promise. Now go before your late and Scott and Ororo make you do laps or whatever it is you all do down there."

"You should find out," she teased, but half-way meant it. "Come to a training session sometime. I'll bet I can shield you these days." Not without panic but there are new training drills on her schedule designed to train her out of that too. She backs up from him with a smirky little grin.

He shook his head, rolling his eyes, though he was smiling. "No freedom fighting for me...I like just being a blond surfer, or were you listening?" His voice was kidding, going clearly back to the conversation on her being an X-Men not his doubt in himself. "And go before they blame me for you being late!" He ran the couple steps towards her and shoved playfully.

She reacted instinctively and grabbed him, rolling with his momentum to put him on the ground. "I'm going." She tweaked his nose. "I'll see you in a little bit, love."

He grinned up at her from the floor. "I love you."

Lorna laughed, "Of course, you do. I'm fantastic." She was out the door before he could reply.

Alex sighed with guilty relief as she left, just laying there with his eyes closed, processing what had just happened and not liking what he remembered...