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xp_logsDealing with the consequences of what happened with Meggan, Amanda has another of those conversations with Remy.
It was terribly cliche of her to be sitting on the end of the dock, Amanda knew, but there weren't a lot of other options. She couldn't stay in her room, and she couldn't go into hiding, not without the place being roused to find her - between the withdrawals and the incident with Meggan, people were expecting her to do something monumentally stupid, she knew. That thought drew a snort from her. Maybe she already had done something monumentally stupid, but what was done was done, and she really didn't see a lot of options here. The addiction was too dangerous - she was too dangerous - to continue unchecked, and if no-one else would help, well, she'd find her own way.
She couldn't stop thinking of the deal she'd made, and there was the extremely-uncomfortable thought that Romany and Tante Mattie somehow knew exactly what she'd done. All that talk of paths, and choices... but what if the path she was on had been decided long before she'd struck the deal? What if things had been decided back in November, when she'd said yes to Manuel's invitation to the party at the Hellfire Club?
Amanda sighed out a long stream of cigarette smoke and rubbed her forehead irritably. The sedative Moira had given her on her return had taken the edge off, but there was still no shutting up the clamour of thoughts reverberating through her brain.
"Any more people take Remy's spot, I'm going to start charging rent." LeBeau said mildly as he walked up the deck. His footfalls were almost inaudible, and most people in the mansion had one time or another had been taken by surprise by the Cajun's habit of stealthy sudden appearances.
"You could always sue me for breach of copyright or somethin'," Amanda replied with a ghost of a smile. Remy always managed that, even at the same time he'd been the bearer of more bad news than any one person should.
He settled down next to her, arranging himself comfortably against the post while he smoked. "So, you out here to think or escape?"
"A bit of both, I s'pose. Too much goin' on in here." She tapped her forehead. "Outside helps, 'specially when even yer emails end up in screamin' matches, like as not. You'd think I was a total bitch or somethin'." The wry tone covered the hurt nicely.
"Dat's right. Easier to just beat yourself up and save dem de trouble." He blew a plume of smoke out over the water, enjoying the night air. He'd had little time to sit and relax over the last few weeks. "But we both know dat's not exactly a long term solution."
"Well, considerin' I just sucked the power out of a little kid 'cause I couldn't control meself, maybe there's some beatin' needed," she replied tiredly. She shook her head. "An' before you say there's a solution t' that too, 's not like I haven't been tryin'."
"Well, de more you get convinced dat you deserve what's coming, de less you going to try to stop doing it in de first place." Remy said quietly. "You talked to dat Strange yet? See what he can do?"
"No." The single word was clipped, more weary than angry. "He fucked off a month ago, buggered off t' Asia somewhere. Haven't heard from him since. An' even if he was here, he wouldn't help, not with this. As good as admitted he didn't want t' see me cured. Likes havin' a brake on my powers too much." The cigarette in her hand had burned down, and she stubbed it out on the wooden decking, flicking the butt carelessly into the water. She usually was more thoughtful than that. "Just have t' hang on until Rom gets the new charm here. Couple more days from what Moira said." She glanced over at Remy. "Unless Tante's on her way here t' take me powers away like she said she would if I went over the line."
"Remy found it not wise to anticipate Tante's reactions to things. She has her own way of getting to a decision." Remy said, eyes hooded as he watched her carefully. "But dat does bring up an interesting question, chere. You think dat you gone over de line?"
"Maybe." For her part, Amanda was finding the water below extremely interesting. "What I did t' Meg... it was what Rack used t' do t' me. Usin' someone else for power. Doesn't matter that I was half off me head with the DTs, I knew enough t' stop meself. An' it didn't excuse anythin' I did the last time I went through it." And possibly making a deal with a certified psychic vampire and Evil Witch constituted crossing the line.
"So what are you going to do to make it right?" Remy blew a careful smoke ring and watched it drift. "Fine to say dat you wrong and horrible, but if dat's all you planning to do 'bout it den oui, Remy think you likely going to see de wrong side of Tante's hand."
"Learn t' control it," Amanda said quietly, but there was resolve in her voice. Whatever else happened, she'd beat this thing. "The addiction's what caused all this, an' it's time I got over it. Whatever it takes."
"Dat sounds a little more sensible." Not that anything that they did was often sensible, but you had to start somewhere. "And like something Tante would say. Big on personal responsibility, her."
Remy flicked his butt into the can near the post idly, pausing before getting another cigarette. "But like de lil'bit, chere, you can't do it all yourself. Who else is helping you wit' dis?"
"The docs're keepin' an eye on the physical stuff, an' Samson's helpin' me with the state of me head." Amanda shrugged a little to cover the shaking of her shoulders - what she'd taken from Meggan had staved off the withdrawals, but not for that long. "Rom's gettin' another amulet to me - from what she says, it'll be weaker than the last. She thinks it's time t' start weanin' me off it." She paused. That was it, really. "Friends're helpin' where they can, but a lot of it's me fightin' meself. I don't want Manuel takin' the feeling's away, or one of the 'paths gettin' in me head an' makin' me not want it - 's as bad as goin' t' the bottle as back-up." On that point she was standing firm, even if it had resulted in near disaster with Meggan. She hadn't known...
"Sounds like you already got everything figured out as best you going to." Remy pointed out. "So why den you out here like you trying to decide de best way t' throw youself into de lake?"
"Didn't want t' ruin the whole self-loathin' rep?" Amanda suggested with a tired chuckle. Then she shook her head. "Needed space, needed t' get away from people bein' disappointed at me - figurin' out what t' do next doesn't change what I did t' Meg. An' now they've moved her out of me room, I didn't want t' be in there. Not tonight, any way. Feels too much like failure."
"Chere, if dere's one thing dat Remy learned here, it's dat de only real failure is giving up. I don't know what to tell you 'bout de magic. Maybe dat Romany can help, maybe you need to give Tante a call. But as long as you don't give up on youself, you haven't lost yet." Remy lit up another cigarette and smiled lightly. "So, should I tell Cain to make up de couch?"
If anyone else had made the offer, Amanda would have said something like 'If you're sure I won't be a bother...', not wanting to intrude. But Remy - he understood. Like Angelo, she didn't need to shield him from the ugly reality of being a junkie. "I'd... like that," she said at last, turning to finally look at him directly. "Thanks."
"Dat what Remy here for."
It was terribly cliche of her to be sitting on the end of the dock, Amanda knew, but there weren't a lot of other options. She couldn't stay in her room, and she couldn't go into hiding, not without the place being roused to find her - between the withdrawals and the incident with Meggan, people were expecting her to do something monumentally stupid, she knew. That thought drew a snort from her. Maybe she already had done something monumentally stupid, but what was done was done, and she really didn't see a lot of options here. The addiction was too dangerous - she was too dangerous - to continue unchecked, and if no-one else would help, well, she'd find her own way.
She couldn't stop thinking of the deal she'd made, and there was the extremely-uncomfortable thought that Romany and Tante Mattie somehow knew exactly what she'd done. All that talk of paths, and choices... but what if the path she was on had been decided long before she'd struck the deal? What if things had been decided back in November, when she'd said yes to Manuel's invitation to the party at the Hellfire Club?
Amanda sighed out a long stream of cigarette smoke and rubbed her forehead irritably. The sedative Moira had given her on her return had taken the edge off, but there was still no shutting up the clamour of thoughts reverberating through her brain.
"Any more people take Remy's spot, I'm going to start charging rent." LeBeau said mildly as he walked up the deck. His footfalls were almost inaudible, and most people in the mansion had one time or another had been taken by surprise by the Cajun's habit of stealthy sudden appearances.
"You could always sue me for breach of copyright or somethin'," Amanda replied with a ghost of a smile. Remy always managed that, even at the same time he'd been the bearer of more bad news than any one person should.
He settled down next to her, arranging himself comfortably against the post while he smoked. "So, you out here to think or escape?"
"A bit of both, I s'pose. Too much goin' on in here." She tapped her forehead. "Outside helps, 'specially when even yer emails end up in screamin' matches, like as not. You'd think I was a total bitch or somethin'." The wry tone covered the hurt nicely.
"Dat's right. Easier to just beat yourself up and save dem de trouble." He blew a plume of smoke out over the water, enjoying the night air. He'd had little time to sit and relax over the last few weeks. "But we both know dat's not exactly a long term solution."
"Well, considerin' I just sucked the power out of a little kid 'cause I couldn't control meself, maybe there's some beatin' needed," she replied tiredly. She shook her head. "An' before you say there's a solution t' that too, 's not like I haven't been tryin'."
"Well, de more you get convinced dat you deserve what's coming, de less you going to try to stop doing it in de first place." Remy said quietly. "You talked to dat Strange yet? See what he can do?"
"No." The single word was clipped, more weary than angry. "He fucked off a month ago, buggered off t' Asia somewhere. Haven't heard from him since. An' even if he was here, he wouldn't help, not with this. As good as admitted he didn't want t' see me cured. Likes havin' a brake on my powers too much." The cigarette in her hand had burned down, and she stubbed it out on the wooden decking, flicking the butt carelessly into the water. She usually was more thoughtful than that. "Just have t' hang on until Rom gets the new charm here. Couple more days from what Moira said." She glanced over at Remy. "Unless Tante's on her way here t' take me powers away like she said she would if I went over the line."
"Remy found it not wise to anticipate Tante's reactions to things. She has her own way of getting to a decision." Remy said, eyes hooded as he watched her carefully. "But dat does bring up an interesting question, chere. You think dat you gone over de line?"
"Maybe." For her part, Amanda was finding the water below extremely interesting. "What I did t' Meg... it was what Rack used t' do t' me. Usin' someone else for power. Doesn't matter that I was half off me head with the DTs, I knew enough t' stop meself. An' it didn't excuse anythin' I did the last time I went through it." And possibly making a deal with a certified psychic vampire and Evil Witch constituted crossing the line.
"So what are you going to do to make it right?" Remy blew a careful smoke ring and watched it drift. "Fine to say dat you wrong and horrible, but if dat's all you planning to do 'bout it den oui, Remy think you likely going to see de wrong side of Tante's hand."
"Learn t' control it," Amanda said quietly, but there was resolve in her voice. Whatever else happened, she'd beat this thing. "The addiction's what caused all this, an' it's time I got over it. Whatever it takes."
"Dat sounds a little more sensible." Not that anything that they did was often sensible, but you had to start somewhere. "And like something Tante would say. Big on personal responsibility, her."
Remy flicked his butt into the can near the post idly, pausing before getting another cigarette. "But like de lil'bit, chere, you can't do it all yourself. Who else is helping you wit' dis?"
"The docs're keepin' an eye on the physical stuff, an' Samson's helpin' me with the state of me head." Amanda shrugged a little to cover the shaking of her shoulders - what she'd taken from Meggan had staved off the withdrawals, but not for that long. "Rom's gettin' another amulet to me - from what she says, it'll be weaker than the last. She thinks it's time t' start weanin' me off it." She paused. That was it, really. "Friends're helpin' where they can, but a lot of it's me fightin' meself. I don't want Manuel takin' the feeling's away, or one of the 'paths gettin' in me head an' makin' me not want it - 's as bad as goin' t' the bottle as back-up." On that point she was standing firm, even if it had resulted in near disaster with Meggan. She hadn't known...
"Sounds like you already got everything figured out as best you going to." Remy pointed out. "So why den you out here like you trying to decide de best way t' throw youself into de lake?"
"Didn't want t' ruin the whole self-loathin' rep?" Amanda suggested with a tired chuckle. Then she shook her head. "Needed space, needed t' get away from people bein' disappointed at me - figurin' out what t' do next doesn't change what I did t' Meg. An' now they've moved her out of me room, I didn't want t' be in there. Not tonight, any way. Feels too much like failure."
"Chere, if dere's one thing dat Remy learned here, it's dat de only real failure is giving up. I don't know what to tell you 'bout de magic. Maybe dat Romany can help, maybe you need to give Tante a call. But as long as you don't give up on youself, you haven't lost yet." Remy lit up another cigarette and smiled lightly. "So, should I tell Cain to make up de couch?"
If anyone else had made the offer, Amanda would have said something like 'If you're sure I won't be a bother...', not wanting to intrude. But Remy - he understood. Like Angelo, she didn't need to shield him from the ugly reality of being a junkie. "I'd... like that," she said at last, turning to finally look at him directly. "Thanks."
"Dat what Remy here for."
