LOG: Manuel and Amanda - Dinner

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

Manny and Amanda have dinner together down in the Dining Room. They talk about the directions their lives are talking of late. Funny how they always manage to say just enough of the right things to keep all the wrong things from bursting out, isn't it?



Manuel sat down in the dining room with his tray full of food and a glass of water to drink. He was surrounded by the other students ofthe school - the juniors all congregating in their cliques - the beautiful people over there, the ugly ones there, the athletic ones intheir area, the brainy kids in theirs. Among the elder students,things were slightly more fluid, but even there social dynamics ruled the day. There was a small gaggle of Jamies and Kitty, fresh up from the datacenter and looking as tired as she felt. There was Doug and Marie-Ange, him signing to her and she responding in murmured French. Clarice, fresh off her shift as an EMT and Danielle were thick as thieves, he saw, laughing about something or another.

And, as always, he preferred to sit alone. He could have joined Katherine, but she was enraptured in Jamie's antics. He could have joined Marie-Ange, but she was feeling quite poor and would prefer to keep her social interactions to a minimum. And he didn't much feel like keeping company with Danielle. So, to enforce his privacy, hiseyes shimmered red for a moment as he tweaked the attentions of the other students to just leave him be. But he did keep an empathic eye out for Amanda - she might actually be joining him for dinner, and after their bungled email conversation, he'd be glad for the company.

It was perhaps ten minutes later when she appeared in the doorway, looking a little flustered and glancing around the room, obviously searching for someone. Her grip on the link loosened just a bit - she was using it to track him down - giving him a glimpse of the confused jumble of emotions she'd been locking down more often than not. There was a plate in her hands, with a small portion of the lasagna that had been on offer tonight, and she deliberately refused to catch anyone's eye, almost willing people to ignore her.

Manuel gestured physically to her, to catch her attention. Her mind and her feelings he left strictly alone. He had his own grief to deal with, and her words to him kept echoing in his head. About finding someone flesh-and-blood to be his friend. Why would she say that when she knew he had Amanda, unless ... she was seeing things more clearly than he was. That would be no surprise at all, he thought with a snort.

Catching the movement Amanda nodded and made her way over, ignoring the way Jubilee was ostentatiously refusing to acknowledge her existence. "Sorry I'm late," she said as she reached his table. "The potion I was working on, I had to finish it otherwise there would have been a mess worse than the last one." She nodded at the seat in front of him. "All right if I sit?" She was being careful about his boundaries, not wanting to push when she could feel the state he was in. It made her uncomfortable, torn between wanting to help and wondering just how much that help might cost her this time.

Manuel smiled at her and gestured towards a chair. "Be my guest. I invited you." he said as warmly as he could - which wasn't very, given how he was feeling. "Lasagna's good tonight." he commented after taking a bite. "So how are you? I'm sorry you did not sleep well. I was not trying to ... intrude, or anything."

She put her plate down on the table and took a seat, hunching a little into herself, trying to make herself as inconspicuous as possible as she felt Marie-Ange's eyes on her from across the room. "It's all right," she said quietly, picking up her fork but not eating yet - that was something she was going to have to work up to. "The dreams... I've had them before." Moreso since that evening in the Columbia parking lot, but nothing ever came free. "I was worried. 'Bout you." She didn't ask him what had happened - she didn't have the right any more to demand that kind of trust.

"Me? Well, I appreciate the concern, but I'll be fine, thank you." he said heavily. "I did what I had to do, and the feelings will fade over time." Although he knew damned well they wouldn't - to let them fade would be to forget her, and that he was most unwilling to do. "How about you? You've been tense lately. Anything I can help with in any way? I'd like to listen, if that would be all right. Maybe it would help to talk about it, no?"

Amanda sighed. Was this what it was like when she told people she was fine depsite it being obviously a lie? "I don't know," she said at last. "Whether talking'll help." Especially talking in such a public place - she felt exposed, vulnerable, the shielding spell on the tip of her metaphorical tongue. "I've been working on things. The magic, the addiction. I think I'm getting somewhere, but it takes up a lot of my time an' concentration at the moment. An' what I'm doin', it tends to..." She paused, searching for the words."Not leave a lot left over. For anyone else."

Manuel nodded. "I understand. When I'm shielding against mass chaos or the like, it leaves very little left over for doing much of anything else. I'm afraid I quite startled poor Katherine that way one morning." he said with a sad smile. "You asked me for space, and I'm going to give it to you." he said with a smile, then returned his attentions to his food to take a few bites. "Would you like a piece of advice?"

"It depends - can I give you some too?" she asked with just the hint of her old impish grin. She made an encouraging gesture with her fork, before taking a small bite. It was good. One of Jamie's efforts, she suspected. Lorna had taught him well.

Manuel smiled at the feeble joke. "Of course. My advice to you - don't block -everyone- out. Get out here, let people see you and be seen by you. Staying cloistered like that all the time - it's bad for you. Makes it hard to relate to people for who and what they really are."

She nearly choked on her food. When the coughing fit had subsided, she managed to croak out: "Learn that the hard way, did you?"

Manuel grinned. "You could say that." he said with a simple shrug. "If I'm not going to learn from my bitter experience, it's probably good that _someone_ does."

"You know, part of the reason why you don't learn from what happens t' you is 'cause you don't want to," Amanda observed, shaking her head at him. "As for me... it's not that simple, Manny. It's not for me I'm stayin' clear, it's for them. After what I did t' Meg, I don't feel safe, around people. I don't want t' hurt anyone else, so I keep clear." It was enough of the truth to feel that way to him, she hoped.

Manuel gritted his teeth, but he nodded. She had a point. "Perhaps." he said, conceding the point to her. "But I know exactly how you feel. I've tortured children. Men. Women. The elderly. The unborn. But here I am, out here among everyone. What you've done, it's no worse than what I've done. And I am ... well, a poor example, really. Never mind." he said with a sigh.

"Not that bad - like you said, you're out here. Even if you are using your powers t' keep people away." She hadn't missed that - it was hard not too, when it had worked on her too until she'd relaxed her grip on the link. "The thing is... Meg trusted me t' look after her. I was the one who got her out of that cage, an' I was s'posed t' protect her. An' instead I go an' use her for a fix, like she wasn't even a person." It was the first time she'd told him what happened, in plain words. "Those people you hurt... you didn't know them, an' they didn't know you. If I'm willin' t' do that t' the person I've promised t' look after, then what the fuck could I do t' someone I don't care so much about? Or someone I don't like? Maybe once this is over, I'll be able t' do the social thing again, if they'll have me, but for now... I can't trust meself."

Manuel nodded. Now he knew. Interesting. "Have you talked to Samson? He's really an OK person, even if he is still occasionally jealous of me." he said with a faint smile. "That's what he's here for. And as for the other thing - I don't wish to infect my mood on anyone right now. Not you, not them, not anyone. What I feel, it's mine and mine alone, and I'd like to hang onto it if I could."

"Still seein' him once a week, same as always." Amanda's tone implied it wasn't necessarily her choice. "An' I understand, you not wantin' t' spread the feelin' around." She smiled a little. "Why else d'you think I hide when I'm feelin' awful? Don't want t' bring everyone else down around me, an' I don't have your powers." Hesitantly, she stretched her hand across the table towards him, stopping half-way, palm-up. Her shields were strong, the other presence in her mind well-hidden. And he needed the gesture. "But I just wanted t' let you know - you're not alone. What you're feelin' now... I've got an idea of what it's like."

Manuel looked at her, and then her hand. He was _fairly_ sure he didn't actually lunge towards it, but it was a close thing. He gripped it, revelling in the feel of it, the sharpened intensity that touch always brought. She was _definitely_ lying to him - or, at the very least, not being entirely honest. There was something furtive about her, but he very scrupulously didn't pursue it. And for some reason he knew that her cravings were less - like she was drawing sustenance from somewhere else. Now _that_ was odd indeed. But he concentrated on what mattered - battered nails, rough skin, slightly cold skin - her.

His grip was firm, almost desperate, and it stirred up the confusion all over again. Manuel was self-absorbed, cruel, held onto grudges and reminded her far too much of his father. But... he loved her. With everything he had. Wasn't that enough? Couldn't she just give up now, use what she'd learned so far to maintain her equilibrium, and not go on? Settle for second best?

Can't I have both? Manuel and the cure?

There was no answer - the contact with Manuel made it too risky. So she put it aside for later. "I can't be everythin' you need me t' be," she murmured. "But I do care." Small comfort, she knew.

Manuel smiled at Amanda, and pushed his own reactions to her words deep down, away from her and from himself. "We'll get through this. One way or the other." he said confidently.

"We will." Amanda was about to say more when her phone, tucked in her back pocket, began beeping insistently. "Shite, that's my alarm - I"m s'posed t'be relievin' Jamie downstairs." She gave his hand a squeeze and pulled hers away, looking apologetic. "Sorry, Manny, I've gotta go."

Manuel thought her timing was suspicious, but he buried that feeling down deep as well. "Of course." he said, releasing her hand reluctantly. "When you get a couple of free moments, try to stop by sometime, si? Just to watch television or a film or something. No pressure, just ... us. Together." he implored.

"I'll try," was all she could promise, a little helplessly. "Between the medlab an' school an' Meg an'this trainin' I'm doin', there's not a lot of time spare. If you didn't hate medlab so much you could come down an' keep me company, but until al Rashid's out of iso, I've got t' pull my weight, same as the others."

"You've done more than pull your weight in my book, but my book isn't the one that matters here. Go, do your duty." he said with as much of a smile as he could muster

"It'd be faster if I could use the magic t' push things along, but I can't with al Rashid an' I won't with Jones - people're throwin' the karma word around 'bout him, an' I'm not gonna make it any easier for him." Picking up her plate (the lasanga only half-eaten), Amanda stood and pushed her chair back in with her free hand. "I'll be up late - maybe catch you tomorrow?"

"A late night won't kill me. Stop up when your duty's done, if you're up for it. I've got a deck of cards and my last bottle of Spanish hard cider waiting for you." he said with a smile. "And if not, don't sweat it. The cards will keep and I'll hoist a glass to you."

"I'll see how tired I am - late nights might not be killin' you, but they are me." She did stop and lay her hand on his shoulder briefly as she passed him on the way to the kitchen to scrape off and dump her plate in the dishwasher. "Take care, love, yeah?"

Manuel couldn't help but smile at the term of affection. "You too." he said warmly, and waved as she walked off.