xp_logs | Kitty and Manuel (Reply)

After he upsets her, pretty much just by being, Manuel and Kitty talk, mainly about Amanda.

Manuel walked behind Katherine as she walked from the library to her room with her nose stuck in a book. He was diverting attention away - he didn't want to deal with people today, to feel what they felt. He just wanted to observe them as they went through their normal lives in their normal ways. And when it came to normal, he couldn't think of anyone more normal that Katherine Pryde.

Catching up on all the work she'd missed while the coding had eaten her wasn't really going to be difficult, just time consuming. When she'd finally gone back to classes she'd gotten a lot of sideways looks from the other students, wanting to know why she got to skip class, have her own note taker while she was gone, and all without apparent comment from the prof. The TAs had been stunned to see her walk into the lab for work, almost a month late for her first day, and just settle down into the work, and the upper classmen who'd learned they'd been beaten for the coveted position seethed that this freshman had been given it. But all of that was secondary, as far as Kitty was concerned. It was kind of reassuring, in a way, to be back in the normal school system - she'd delt with being considered a freak for her skill with math and science for years before she came to Xavier's.

Manuel kept a close eye on Kitty as she walked. Keeping up with her was occasionally tricky, given her habit of absently walking _through_ obstacles as opposed to around them, but so far he was managing it OK. What was occupying most of his attention was the reactions of the people she interacted with. Sheer, blessed normality. He walked right past Danielle and she never noticed him - or she did, but she just didn't care, which was just about as good in his book.

If anyone had told Kitty that there was anything about the life of a seventeen year old mutant genius she'd probably have laughed at them. But this was Xavier's, and there were gradiations of strange. She finished skimming the chapter on quantum mechanics and skiped the practice questions, intermediate overview texts were still overview texts, and completely lacked the depth necessary to give her anything she hadn't already covered in her studies. Which would probably have just annoyed some of the other students even more.

Manuel smiled to himself as he watched Kitty. Self-confidence. That one he knew. A healthy (presumably - that was one of the areas he still struggled with, even moreso now that Lusanya was gone) confidence in her own knowledge, her own abilities. And she was hungry, even if she was ignoring it. Maybe he should tell her.

The next chapter was on electromagnetism, and it gave her a brief pause. She hadn't heard anything about Lorna or her cousin in a while and she wondered how they were doing. But it was only a brief curiosity. No news was said to be good news, and given that they tended to get 'news' in the form of emergency cases being rushed to the medlab...

Manuel quirked an eyebrow as Kitty's emotions went to a strange place indeed. Curiousity, yes, but not towards the text in her hand. Something in the text reminded her of something else. That was the only possibility that he could see. Time to tear a hole in the wall, let her see him if she chose to. "You should eat something," he told her, going from out of her perceptions to in them suddenly.

Kitty started, spinning about at the sudden presence. Her eyes widened as she saw Manuel, confusion and startlement uppermost in her mind, joined soon after by a strange sort of warry hurt. "Manuel? What?" she asked, blinking as she finally processed what he'd said.

"You're hungry," he said simply. "You should eat something. May I suggest a roast beef sandwich?" he said with a smile. "You like
those." He was still wearing unrelieved black, but this time it was a button-down and slacks, and not the black suit and tie.

Well, now the confusion was definitely winning. "What?" she repeated. "I'm hungry...?" Well, now that he mentioned it, yes, she was a little, although she'd been too wrapped up in the text to notice. But that didn't make it any less of a non-sequiter.

For a genius, she was definitely being slow. And yes, today she was _definitely_ being female. That was a feeling that was just downright unnatural. "Amendment: Roast beef sandwich, a cool drink, and some ... what did Marie-Ange call it? Ah yes, that's it. Midol? That too," he suggested.

Kitty's eyes narrowed. Of the things which were guaranteed to get her goat, talking down to her was way up there. "You really have forgotten anything you might have known about descretion and tact and respecting other people, haven't you?" she said, sounding upset. She hadn't understood why he'd said what he'd said about Alison, and she didn't understand why he was being like this now, but she definitely didn't like it.

Manuel's eyes narrowed as he looked at her. "You are hungry. You do need the pain relief. And I am _not_ ... never mind. Just ... never mind. Forget it," he said, then flicked his power to fade from conscious sight. He was still there, of course, but he was making that irrelevant. A very simple and elegant trick. He was glad Loki taught it to him. He'd made a dog'd dinner of that, that was for sure. More watching, less speaking until he was sure he understood all the nuances. Knowledge was key.

But dammit, now he wanted a roast beef sandwich of his own.

And maybe some Midol.

But while Mauel could make her not want to see him, divert her from knowing he was there, he couldn't make her forget he had been, or what he'd said. Now that he wasn't there anymore, as far as Kitty could tell, she gave vent to her feelings, stamping her foot in a rather childish display of frustration. And this was how he treated his friends? She was hurt that he'd said what he'd said, and that he'd left without resolving it, and a part of her suggested that she'd been right to be avoiding him since the thing with Al, and that just left her feeling sad. And, of course, the part of her which was analytical and logical and highly self critical was cursing herself for being such a hormonal little girl. Hugging her textbook to herself she turned and headed more quickly down the hall to her suite. Chocolate. She wanted chocolate and privacy.

Manuel tagged along, intrigued by where she was going with this. She was awhirl, and she was _REALLY_ not happy with him. Which was probably in her best interest in the long run, considering the two people he was fondest of in life were either dead or remote, cold, and unobtainable. She had friends, allies, confidants, even a lover. She didn't need him. But he had to be sure.

It just didn't make sense. She didn't understand why he would act this way, especially not when he could see how his behavior affected people. She didn't really think he'd gone out of his way to upset her, but why would he behave like this? She wanted her friend back, had always just wanted to help him, but this new abruptness, this near callousness, upset her. Especially since she didn't understand it, and Kitty hated not being able to understand.

Manuel watched her emotions whirl, and mentally smacked himself. Katherine was a rationalist, she had to have some sort of a framework to hang her life around. She didn't do well in the intuitive/emotional plane. So before she could lock herself away, he dropped his weave and touched her lightly on the shoulder from an arm's reach. "I'm sorry," he said, face screwed up in frustration. "I ... I need to talk."

Kitty started again, but turned more slowly, hesitantly. She was almost afraid of what he was going to say, but she did appreciate that he'd come back. "Ok," she said, holding the book to her chest protectively.

Manuel started to say something, stopped, and then thought about a different approach. "There is something I do not understand. But I don't want to talk about it here. Do you trust me?" he asked her curiously.

There were times she would have said 'yes' without hesitation. There had even been times when she would have meant it absolutely. Today, though, she did pause before nodding slightly. "Yes, I do."

Manuel accepted it as his due. Smiling, he gestured for one of the chairs in the lounge by her suite. "Please, get comfortable," he asked her, taking the other chair and draping himself in it. Once she was situated, his eyes glowed red for a second. "Now we can talk undisturbed," he said - and then waited to gauge her reaction before continuing.

Kitty had curled up into the chair, feet tucked up tight next to her, and now she sat and considered him. She could tell he was waiting for her to say something, but he was the one who'd offered to talk, and he was the one who'd started this all.

Manuel nodded. It would have to do. "Right. Anyway, I want your help with something. There is something I am struggling with, and I was hoping you might be able to tell me how normal people would react," he said calmly. "Something that upsets me greatly, and while I could fix it, I should not."

Kitty blinked. Well, that she had not been expecting. But having something to do, some way she could help, was always good. "Ok," she said, much less hesitantly. "What's the problem? I'll do what I can."

"Before I get into specifics, I want your word on something. I must ask for a strict confidence," he said. "Hence all of this. No-one will care or remember what we say here, unless Nathan or the Professor happen to pass and take an interest. I can deflect everyone else's attentions," he explained matter-of-factly. "Do I have your word?"

His wording made her arch an eyebrow, uncertain if he was saying that she wouldn't remember it either, but she nodded eventually. "I won't mention it to anyone," she said.

Manuel nodded, and adjusted the sunglasses on his face to better hide his eyes and their faint red glow. "Good. It's about Amanda," he said, and then slumped. "I am losing her. She makes all the right noises, says all the right things, but her heart is not in it anymore. She is cold and distant. She hides herself from me. And I don't know how to fix it. Tell me how to fix it?"

"Oh, Manuel..." All the defensiveness in Kitty's posture melted in an instant and she leaned towards him. "I... I don't know," she admitted, softly. The times she and Jamie had had problems, had kept things from each other, it had always been because something was wrong. They'd both had to learn not to do that, and that, when it happened... "I guess, just be there for her. Is... Do you know if there's something wrong? I thought things got better when she got her new amulet."

Manuel shook his head. "She claims that she needs time, to work on defeating her addiction and to discover who she is and what she wants to be. But she won't accept any aid from me, she never comes to see me anymore ... if I didn't put myself in her path, she'd ignore me completely if she thought she could get away with it. She guards her feelings closely, and is always careful to never let me touch her. Feelings transmit more clearly that way," he said by way of explanation. "I normally wouldn't bother you with this - I am taking an extraordinary risk by doing this - but the person who I could tell anything to recently passed from us," he said sadly.

"Oh, Manuel, I'm so sorry. That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear that." She hadn't gotten entirely sidetracked from his main point, however. "About Amanda... I can understand her wanting to beat the addiction and all of that, and I can kind of see why she might think she needs to do it on her own. But I don't know why she'd be avoiding you. That's really rough."

Manuel frowned. "I need to know how to fix it. Naturally." he clarified. "I could just repair the damage, but the consequences are more than I'm prepared to accept at this time," he said, his frustration plain. "She knows how I feel. I've said it, I've shown it. I know nothing of natural love, and I find myself tempted."

Kitty sighed. "Manuel, I don't think... I don't think it's about 'fixing' the problem. Emotions, love especially, they grow. They're..." Oh, symbolism and metaphor were so not her thing. "They're organic, not mechanical. It's not something you fix, it's something you nurture." And she was really stuffing this up.

"From your perspective, perhaps," he said graciously. "Not from mine. And that's part of the problem. I have no perspective, and I know that to correct the problem would be to invite disaster," he said glumly. "I sit, and I wait. I make myself available, I offer my company any time she might desire it. But it's _not enough_. She's growing distant, growing cold. And it hurts," he said, tapping his chest over his heart.

"I know," Kitty said softly. "It does. When Jamie... after the hurricane, he was so afraid and so hurt, but he didn't want to hurt me, so he wouldn't talk to me about it. Which hurt both of us even more. But... we ended up talking about it. Things got better." Kitty was not very good at this, she decided. Even less so, since she felt like she couldn't make the words come out right. But for Manuel, she would try.

"My patience is not infinite. I feel like I'm stumbling through this blindfolded. No, more like handcuffed. I can See everything that's wrong in glorious, glorious color, but I dare not touch it," he said. "My dedication to learning to behave like all of you do is handcuffed me, deprived me of options."

Kitty tilted her head, considering him, well aware he probably didn't realize the implied in his tone. Probably. "Maybe," she said, but you've also still got more options than me or anybody. I mean, you can't just change the way she feels, but you can see it and react to it. If you know something you say hurts someone, you can apologize, or talk to them about it. Everybody else just ends up guessing, and maybe hurting people more in the process."

Manuel nodded. "Fat lot of good it does me. I am not good with words, not naturally. I've relied too much on my power," he admitted. "I always thought I was eloquent, persuasive. Turns out that wasn't me at all." he said glumly. He turned up his warding a notch - any higher and Xavier would surely feel it and come to investigate. "I am not doing well with all of this freedom. Sometimes, I just want someone to tell me what to do."

"I don't think I can do that, Manuel," Kitty said. "I'm not really any better with people, and what if I was wrong? I mean, I know how to get through to Jamie, but Jamie and Amanda are very different people, and you and I are very different people..."

Manuel sighed. "I suspected as much, but I indulged in hope," he said. "So do you think I am doing the right thing, or should I confront her? Stop her from making a tragic mistake, or should I give her that space in the hope that she will come back to me when it is all said and done?"

"I don't know," Kitty admitted, "but I can't believe that she won't come back. She loves you, Manuel, she really does." And Kitty was a romantic, she wanted to believe that love concured all, so she did believe it.

"I wish I knew for sure. I don't like being in the dark like this," he said with a frown. "The uncertainly is really getting to me." he admitted.

"Life is about uncertainty," Kitty said. "Or pain. Depending on who you ask. But I know, it's not easy."

Manuel looked disgusted with Kitty for a second before he could school his expression. "I guess so," he said, keeping _most_ of the disdain out of his voice. She had things so perfect, she really had no idea what uncertainly or pain really was. Uncertainty was not knowing how you were going to prostitute your mind to fill your belly with next. Pain was daily beatings and sadistic orderlies. Not life in a cushy public school surrounded by the Young and Powerful.

Kitty was far from stupid and the look and tone were plain enough. It was vastly unfair of him, she thought, to ask her for help and then dismiss her. Looking away, she shrugged. "I can't give you more than that," she said, "cause I don't know what you want. Sorry if it's not enough."

Manuel sighed. "Sorry. You hit a nerve," he said by way of an apology. "And I guess I should just keep doing what I'm doing, right?" he asked rhetorically, but inside his head Lusanya's final advice kept ringing in his ears.

"I can't tell you what you should do," Kitty said, gaze straying to the window. "I don't know. I only know what I would do - not give up, try to be there for her, but also give her the space she thinks she needs."

Manuel nodded. "For how long? Forever? What if she never decides, or decides to let things waste away between us? What then?" he asked her.

"Why worry about forever when just getting through tomorrow is so hard around here sometimes?" Kitt asked, finally looking back at him. "Take the days as they come. I've no idea how long it will be, and neither do you. Amanda probably doesn't even know how long she will need."

Manuel sighed, but nodded. "I hate waiting," he muttered. "But I think you're right. Thank you, Katherine. I still have a long way to go before I'll ever understand you, but I think I just came a little closer today."

"Then you're ahead of me on that score," Kitty said somewhat wryly. She was not the confusing one in the room, as far as she was concerned.