xp_logs | Log: Rahne, Nathan, Rachel

Backdated to September 28, after Rahne's altercation with Illyana here. Rahne has dominance issues, among other things. Nathan finds her being grumpy later that day and offers a listening ear and some advice. (Side note: This log was originally intended to take place after Nathan got back from his trip, but then we realized that by that point everything else was going much too crazy for it to happen. I hope all time-references are fixed.)

Rahne was sitting outside on a bench, wearing the shapeshifting clothing Forge had designed and a light coat of fur. She was engaged, without quite paying attention to it, in a staring contest with a worried squirrel.

Her thoughts were very intent, although not on the squirrel. Most of them went like this:

Grr.

"Ooo! Ooo!"

Nathan looked in the direction Rachel was pointing and smiled, seeing Rahne sitting there on the bench - although the smile faded momentarily as he caught her less-than-pleased mental state. "Shall we go see Rahne?" he murmured to Rachel, who was wriggling ecstatically against his chest.

"Oooo! Whee!"

Even if the worried squirrel hadn't really caught Rahne's attention, baby-squeals did. She jumped, turning quickly in that direction and running over the shielding exercises she'd been taught. Bad enough she was still letting herself dwell on the subject; she certainly had no business inflicting it on Rachel. Or for that matter any of the other psis.

She smiled, mostly naturally, and called out, "Morning."

Nathan smiled at her. "Don't worry," he said as he came nearer. "I'm shielding her. She won't pick up anything I don't want her too." He sat down on the bench beside Rahne, and Rachel gurgled happily, reaching out to Rahne imploringly. "Yes, sweetie, it's your favorite babysitter. Want out?"

"Meh! Meh!" Rachel squirmed madly, then cooed as Nathan lifted her out of the sling. "Oooo?" she pleaded with Rahne.

The smile came more easily as Rahne stretched out her arms to take the baby. "Ooo to ye too, little bairn," she cooed back, then looked up at Nathan rather wryly. "Well, I'm glad of that, but I didna mean to be bothering anybody else either. I'm sorry."

Rachel snuggled contentedly into Rahne's arms, making little intermittent squeaking noises, and Nathan smiled at the two of them. "You weren't bothering us," he said firmly. "We were just going for a walk and couldn't resist stopping by to say hello." He tilted his head at her, though. "Desire to apologize aside... are you all right? You seem a bit annoyed."

"Ach... nothing important. I shouldna keep worrying at it myself...."

"Now, don't say that," Nathan said sternly. Rachel squealed, her little fists grasping at Rahne's shirt. "If you're worrying at it, it's important. Tell me?" He made the question a little more wistful than he really intended. It would just be... good to feel needed, he thought dimly. That one of the kids really wanted to confide in him.

"I'm not supposed to hold grudges," Rahne muttered. "Anyway, I started it. Sort of."

Nathan's eyes narrowed a little as he thought back. "This wouldn't have anything to do with Illyana, would it?" he ventured lightly. "That encounter the two of you had on the journals?"

Rahne's cheeks reddened. "I should have known better." Nathan caught a scrap of thought, though, that sounded like ...thinks she's an alpha bitch....

He was not going to smile. Not smile, and definitely not chuckle. "I don't think you were particularly out of line," he said, quietly but encouragingly. "You weren't rude to her. Anything she read into that was her choice."

"...I probably meant it."

"Which is also not such a horrible thing, because she was being rather remarkably bitchy," Nathan pointed out reasonably.

"I'm supposed to be nice to her." I don't want to be nice. Probably can't beat her though.

"Rahne..." Nathan smiled, then reached out to stroke Rachel's downy head for a moment as she yawned at him. "Trying to be your best self is a noble thing. Kicking yourself for the moments when you're human and decide to direct a rather gentle sort of snark in the direction of someone being provocative isn't necessary."

"I shouldna snarl," Rahne said broodily, "and if I'm going to, I should only do it when I can win." He'd said snark, not snarl. Oh well.

He poked her lightly in the shoulder. "Do you feel badly about what you did," Nathan asked patiently, "or about having done it?"

Rahne pressed her lips together and thought about that. "...The effect versus whether I should have?" she asked uncertainly after a moment. "Or what do ye mean?"

"Are you worried about what Illyana's reaction was?" Nathan rephrased, a smile tugging at his lips.

Rahne looked away. "I doona like it one bit that she thinks she won, even if I ken she's wrong about most everything she said or implied."

"Your pride hurts," Nathan said. Rachel wriggled, looking around with interest. Her eyes focused on the squirrel, which sat straight up, its little beady eyes gone wild, and then bolted away like its tail was on fire.

"*And* I feel guilty. Lovely combination, and aye, I ken I'm being daft."

"You're not being daft. You're being overly mature. Don't be so hard on yourself," Nathan said with a smile, looking down at her. His gaze sharpened with interest for a moment. "How much of this is about... dominance issues?"

"I thought I was being a brat," Rahne said honestly. "Sitting around brooding about contradictory things when I could be doing something useful...." She sighed. "I think... maybe a lot of it. I didna used to think I had so much of a problem with humility, but there are some people... some girls mostly... who... I feel like they're acting... I suppose the way an alpha female wolf is expected to act." She snorted. "Which can include stressing out the rest of them. Only I doona feel like they deserve it, or anyway, I don't want them acting like they're higher up or in charge of me. 'Tis nae as if I mind anybody being in charge... I follow orders in medlab, ye ken that...." She trailed off. "And without the babbling, either."

"You defer when you need to defer," Nathan said after a moment, having given it some thought. "When you feel like you shouldn't, or don't want to, it's in situations where there's nothing really critical at stake, from the sound of it. In which case... you really don't need to be worried about standing up to someone you think is, well, walking over other people, for example."

Rahne bit her lip. "I think 'tis also... I defer much more easily if 'tis to someone I respect and think they're really better than I am at something that matters. And they doona rub it in," she added in a little lower voice. "With... Illyana, or Paige, or Monet, I suppose I ought to respect them more than I do, just as people, but 'tis hard sometimes. Nae that that's any excuse. I'd say 'tis only status games and I shouldna care, but even though 'twasn't as if I was any sort of proper alpha with Hrimhari's pack, I keep feeling like I'm making excuses for nae being able to outfight them." A pause. "Even if I do get to the food first."

Of course, that reminded her about Illyana's dismissing her cooking. And, for that matter, her hunting, her work in the medlab, and any attempt she made to be pleasant or kind.

Nathan sighed and slid an arm around her shoulders - a bit tentatively, at first, but he relaxed when she didn't stiffen or pull away. Rachel cooed softly. "It's not status games," he said thoughtfully. "Respect's earned. If they haven't earned it from you, they haven't. I don't think that's going to make you treat them poorly - that's very much not you, but you don't have to try to make up for it by overcompensating. You really don't."

Rahne let out a quiet sigh and leaned her head against his shoulder. Confessions were stressful, even with a cuddly baby to play with. Or puppy... she had the vague feeling she'd somehow ended up calling Rachel "puppy" a few times while Moira had been looking after Nathan in some outside hospital, after a couple of very restless nights with a distressed young telepath.

"I keep wanting to challenge them," she said slowly. "Only... there's no reason for me to be in charge of them, so it is just status there, and if 'tis things like money or looks or attitude, I wouldna be able to win even if it were something I ought to be after. I've... not been brought up to try to -- to put myself above people."

"So your natural instincts are conflicting with your learned behavior," Nathan pointed out, then grinned a little sheepishly as she looked up at him. "Yes, I occasionally listen to Moira just a little too much."

"I had to learn how to behave like a wolf, too," Rahne pointed out dubiously. "And I wasna even a proper alpha there... I'm not sure why they treated me the way they did unless 'twas that Hrimhari liked me -- I wasna very good at anything at first, though I suppose I learned fast." She snorted. "Maybe they thought I had potential, but that doesna seem enough reason." A long sigh. "But I never liked being put down before that anyway... it just got harder to put up with it."

"No one likes being put down," Nathan pointed out, "and telling yourself that you should let it roll off your back is probably only going to make you resent it more when it does happen." He smiled. "Not that I'm advocating avenging the insult or anything. Think about Manuel. He's the other extreme, really... overreacts to even perceived insult."

"I wasna planning to take that up," Rahne said with a small smile, "really. And... I shouldna care, really. I ken Illyana's wrong if she thinks everything I do is as worthless as she tries to make it sound...."

"Rahne..." Nathan hesitated for a moment, smiling a bit oddly. Rachel made an interrogative noise and he reached out to stroke her head again. "Something you might want to keep in mind," he said, feeling slightly bad about saying this, because he was fond of Illyana in an odd way... but really, it was the truth. "What does Illyana do around here?"

"...Schoolwork, I think."

"And what do you do around here?"

"Schoolwork, help in the medlab, work in the kitchen, hunt when 'tis in season, and tell Remy and Mr. Kuk where the animals cross the edges of the grounds," Rahne said. "She didna know about that last one to sneer at."

"So not only was Illyana off-base in her criticism," Nathan said simply, "she really had no ground to stand on. Even if you were doing things of only minor usefulness in additional to your schoolwork, you would still be contributing more around here than she is."

"I know," Rahne said very softly, "but 'tis nice to hear and I doona suppose 'tis very nice of me to think."

His arm tightened around her shoulders, just a little. Rachel cooed. "Are you feeling unappreciated?" he asked, thinking of Amanda.

"...Not by the people who matter. The doctors take time to say thanks even when everything's gone mad; I've no idea how I *could*, there. And I suppose Illyana wouldna have insulted me if I'd not started sniping at her. Well, not this time, anyway. Sometimes all it seems to take is talking to her, or talking near her, and I doona really understand why."

"It's a defensive mechanism, I think," Nathan said. "At least, that's the way I've always seen it. Doesn't make it a comfortable thing, but maybe it helps to know that?"

Rahne looked baffled. "Defensive against *what*? I mean, this time, maybe, but... being like that in general?"

"Think about what her background's been like. She hasn't had the opportunity to learn... what we would consider 'normal' coping mechanisms."

There was a long pause before Rahne said, very slowly, "...I suppose for being taught by anything ye'd call demons for several years, she's an absolute angel."

"I think," Nathan said, choosing his words very carefully, "that seeing it that way, taking that into consideration... I don't share your beliefs, Rahne, but I think that's a better way to honor them than telling yourself that you need to turn the other cheek."

"'Tis a bit less help with what to do about her, though."

"Stand up for yourself," Nathan said after a moment. "Don't pick a fight, but don't let her walk over you, either. And don't rise to her bait, either. Did you see how I responded to her?"

"Aye." A pause. "It looked like ye were teasing her a little."

"Did you notice how she responded to that?"

"Insulted other people besides ye?"

"How she responded to me," Nathan said patiently.

"That's what I meant. Quality control, she says." Rahne hesitated. "She seemed maybe a wee bit flustered."

"And she did what I told her to do in the end, didn't she? Or," Nathan amended, "at least publicly said she was going to. I admit I didn't go down to the gym to check." He eyed Rahne, a wide smile suddenly breaking across his features. "You'd almost say that she acknowledged me as an alpha, now, wouldn't you?"

Rahne eyed him for a moment, but rather reluctantly smiled back. "Ye really are, though."

"Yet I also take orders," Nathan pointed out. "Admittedly," he said, unable to help a laugh, "I take orders because I choose to."

"I doona think I'll ever get to that point," Rahne said thoughtfully, "but I might eventually get to where I mostly decide who from." And there was, not far from turning the other cheek, the idea of going the extra mile. The second one was on God's command, not whoever had forced you to start.

"You're going to be just fine," Nathan told her. "Really, you are. You're too thoughtful about all of this, and too concerned with the right thing to do... the good thing to do, for your heart to lead you astray too often." Rachel picked that moment to start fussing, and Nathan chuckled. "Whaaaat," he said dryly to his daughter, who sneezed at him, looking indignant.

Rahne laughed a little. "Rachel, do ye have less faith in me than yuir father does?" She sat up far enough to look up at him seriously, although not quite all the way out of the hug. "I will try. Thank ye for... all this talk."

"Anytime," Nathan said softly. "I mean that."

"Thanks," she repeated quietly. "And next time I'll try to handle things better, and not to end up in a fight with Illyana and with Forge laughing at me. Amanda did much better."

Nathan hugged her again, briefly, and then rose. "All right, munchkin," he said, reaching out to take Rachel, who let out one high-pitched shriek before abruptly quieting as he put her back into the baby carrier. "Your mother doesn't want you getting too much sun, and I forgot your hat." He gave Rahne a conspiratorial look. "I didn't really. She hates the hat."

Rahne chuckled and sniffed. "And she smells like she wants her dinner. ...I think I'll go for a run, before I come in too."

"Hungry, are you?" Nathan murmured to the baby, who promptly started sucking on her first. "I'll stop by and say goodbye before I head to the airport," he said to Rahne.

"Thanks for that too." She smiled. "I hope the trip goes well."

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

xp_daytripper

*grins* Amanda needs to share the secret of Illyana-handling... Nice log, guys - it's good to see the wolf-girl again. :)

From:

x-snowflake.livejournal.com

*laughs* And here Illyana had the sinking suspicion she'd lost, somehow.

Also, the answer to what Illyana does around the house versus what Rahne does:

Illyana: -6.
Rahne: +12309235

Heeee. I'm giggling as I read this. :) Well done, you two.