Lorna and Manuel, lakeside

[x-polarisstar.livejournal.com]

Lorna takes a walk and runs into another restless soul. Manuel and Lorna discuss guilt and reparations. Things have changed for them but they still don't get along.





With Alex gone, Lorna was beginning to find the suite claustrophobic and, though she didn't really want to go out among the general mansion populace, it was sounding better and better when the only other option was her own, poor company. Though it was never so dramatic as whispered voices in her head, sometimes Lorna couldn't shake the feeling that Malice wasn't quite gone. Nonsense, of course, but still... Lorna grabbed her jacket and headed out for a walk. Anywhere but here would suffice.

Manuel had much the same idea as Lorna did, for nearly the same reasons. The Mansion was stifling today, with the tension and the worry and the pressure of classes and everything else all piling up. A walk would clear his head. He jammed his hands into his jacket's pockets as he wandered aimlessly down the paths out back - giving a wide berth to the Moathouse and everything associated with it.

Late autumn was just about as cold as a California girl liked it and Lorna kept her scarf tightly around her neck (it reminded her of the collar but she was forcing herself to not think about that) though her vivid colored hair remained uncovered, tossed about by the wind. She kicked stones as she walked, not really headed any place but not terribly surprised when she ended up in the trees bordering the lake.

Amanda had always liked using the lake as a spot to get away from it all. He hated it that his subconscious had brought him there while he was busy chasing his own mental tail. And as the cherry on the top of the sundae, a familiar-looking green-tressed woman was standing not too far away, apparently wrapped up in her own dark thoughts. Seeing her brought to mind the two innocent children that had been mindraped by the woman - well, her in one form or another.

Lorna noticed Manuel and sighed, hoping that he'd be content to leave her alone. It wasn't a matter of him, per se. She'd have felt the same about anyone. It was just more intense when it was Manuel because she knew that he'd have nothing pleasant to say and just now she wasn't in the mood to be reminded of her wrongs.

Manuel remembered the conversation on the journals, and how everyone _but_ Lorna had dogpiled on him for daring to mention the children that Lorna - or whoever - had mindraped. Might as well go see what the story was from the horse's mouth. He changed course and walked over to where Lorna stood, fighting off a shiver from the cold.

Lorna made a face as Manuel approached. So much for leaving her alone. Well, it had been a pipe dream anyway. She tucked her hands in her jacket pockets and just watched him come over. There wasn't any fear in her, just a sort of dull wariness, wondering what he'd say.

Manuel wasn't empathically scanning her - his emotions weren't fit for his _own_ consumption, let alone anyone else's. "Lorna." he said once he got close enough to hold a decent conversation. "I would think it's too cold for your liking out here."

She blinked at him, somewhat thrown by his non-hostile statement. "Um. It's not too bad. Warm jacket, scarf...works wonders, really." She dug her hands deeper into her pockets and shrugged. "I don't really mind this. It's the snow that's the problem."

"I'm cold." he said. "Alex is not pleased with me." he said after a long moment. "Because I wanted to remember the children you destroyed, to speak for them."

She winced. "He's worried about me. He's like everyone else, they don't want to believe I did anything wrong." She was silent for a moment, looking out over the lake. "You found them...do you know what happened to them afterward? I was never able to find out and since I came back..." she shrugged.

"They're in an institution nearby." he said flatly. "Having their every need taken care of for the rest of their lives. I don't know who is providing for them - might be us, might be their parents. I don't know." he said. "I've been by to visit them a few times. What was done to them - what you did, or whatever - was exceedingly cruel. Their frontal lobes were wiped, but the rest of their minds work almost normally. They feel like they should, but they cannot think."

Lorna nodded, still looking off over the water. "I wish I knew why it had been done. I can tell you what was done but I don't remember it why. Just their names, really. Some things didn't stick when the collar came off." Those blanks bothered her; so much of what she remembered was horrific. How much worse were the things that her mind hadn't let her keep?

"Collar?" Manuel asked. "What collar?"

Lorna raised an eyebrow at him. "Magneto had designed a collar with an inhibitor in it as well as the programmed remains of a telepath. When it was on, the program--her name was Malice--directed things." She shook her head, "Though that hardly excuses anything that I did."

Manuel oh'ed at that revelation. "Sorry." he said, still sounding curiously flat and unemotional. "You should go see the children. I could take you, if you dye or conceal your hair. They can't think, but they recognize and they feel. No need to provoke them unduly."

Lorna frowned at him, not in displeasure but because of his demeanour. She let it pass without comment however, saying instead, "I would appreciate that. I can dye my hair easily enough." Not that it held these days for even as long as it used to. "I wish I could do something for them."

"See them. Talk to them. See what was done to them. Then you will find some way to contribute to their well-being. What was done cannot be undone - Charles mentioned that much to me when I pressed him upon it - but he holds out hope that what's left of their minds can be retrained, that some function can be regained." he mentioned.

No, there wouldn't be any hope of undoing it. She would have done a good job--no pain and no mercy. Magneto had taught her to be efficient as well as effective. "I don't think I'll put too much hope in that. There is...little chance that I did a poor enough job to be at all ameliorated."

"The attempt should be made - unless you'd like to support these two children for the rest of their lives?" he asked, a little bit pointedly. "Any restoration of function can only be a good thing."

Lorna shrugged again, uncomfortably. "I agree. I'm just stating a fact. Magneto is a good teacher." She sighed, "When would be a good time to go? I'll need some time to dye my hair just before."

Manuel hrmmed. "Not sure. I'll have to make some arrangements. Or you could talk to Charles and make them yourself. Might mean more if you make the gesture." he suggested. Risking lowering his empathic shield by a notch, he felt the pain of his severed link twisted in his black heart, but he also felt Lorna. She had no fear of him, not anymore. "You have changed." he said calmly. "You do not fear me anymore. Why is that?"

She'd wondered if he was going to ask, ever since she'd realised it herself. "Malice thought you were a stupid thing to be frightened of. She gave me plenty else to replace it, though, don't worry." Like what she'd done to Remy--that could provide nightmares for years and it was best not to even consider the entirety of that mess.

Manuel smiled thinly. "Stupid to fear your own desire for pleasure? Stupid to fear having your feelings warped? Perhaps. I am no threat to you, not now." he said calmly. "I feel too much."

"No, just stupid to fear you. The rest of it scares me still, just not like it did. After all, Malice was in love with Sabertooth. So I always have a standard of crazy beyond my own to compare it to." Lorna turned away from the lake. "What do you mean you feel too much?"

"What do you think it means?" he asked, turning slightly away from Lorna.

She rolled her eyes, "I don't know, that's why I'm asking you. You're an empath, by definition you feel more than the rest of us...what's different?" She continued to regard him curiously.

"You're so close." he said. "So very close indeed. Has anyone told you what happened with Amanda?" he asked curiously. "What she did?"

"Saving Remy, you mean? Not told precisely but I know, yes." Amanda who had saved Remy by stealing the life of others. The method repulsed her but she couldn't blame Amanda for it when she herself had made it necessary.

"After that." he said. "You might find it appropriate." he said with a thin smile. "You know that I was bonded to her, right? She and I shared a single heart. Well, just before she left, she almost killed me and destroyed the bond that we shared. While I was giving her my heart through it." he said simply.

"What?" Lorna stared at him, aghast. She'd only heard about that incident...she'd been...with Remy at the time. "Why would she do that? Why did you do that?"

Manuel laughed harshly. "She felt driven out, pushed away. She found a way to cure her addiction, but it depended on the life essence of others to fuel her magic." he said quietly. "I begged her to stay. She didn't listen." he added. "So there is a hole where my heart once was. Do you think the irony sufficient?"

"I don't know that I'd call it irony. Sick, that I might say it is. She felt pushed away? After half this damned school bent over backward trying to help her and never got anything back but more grief?" Lorna shook her head dumbfounded. "Where did she learn to do that anyway?"

Manuel shrugged. "Not my secret to give." he said sadly. "And it was the Remy healing that caused her to feel pushed away. She felt ... alone. Isolated. Abandoned by those who professed to love her." he eulogized. "The others - they feel I have not atoned for what I supposedly did to you. How may I do this?"

She stiffened and stepped back, taking a couple of breaths and focused on relaxing before she replied. Her voice was steady but tense when she finally spoke. "Stop calling it what you supposedly did. Whatever your intentions--and I was there so your revision of history doesn't cut it with me--but you nearly ruined my life. So stop treating it like I deserved to have that done." Anger bubbled up and was shoved away again.

"I gave you a gift. I stand by that. Your hand - that was all you. I had nothing to do with that." he said. "But no-one will believe me, of course, so your version of reality will stand. And you attacked me, remember? With words and with feelings, you cut at me. I defended myself. You couldn't handle it, it got out of hand, and now here we are arguing semantics."

"My version of reality? You must be joking. Do you know how often I've been told that you didn't mean to do it? That it was an accident and just bad execution of good intentions?" She shook her head violently, "Very few people believed me. My roommate chose you over me. My boyfriend was your friend in spite of what I'd told him. You won this one, Manuel. I give up. I was wrong, you were a misunderstood saint and I was terrible for trying to teach you to make a salad."

Manuel shook his head. "You still don't get it. I'm an empath, and at that time, a semi-controlled one. It wasn't what you were trying to do, it's how you did it. Scorn. Anger. Mocking. Cutting me down to make you feel good. That's what I reacted to, not the fucking salad."

"Enough!" God, how could he make her feel so guilty for this? She backed off more, hands fisted and arms wrapped around her waist. "I said you win. I mean it. I give up, Manuel. Obviously it doesn't fucking matter what I remember. It's all about how I hurt you."

Manuel shook his head. "I would like nothing more than for that to be the case. But it isn't. No matter what, I still receive accusations. Condemnations. They see the result, and not the process. So I am offering you a shot at ... compensation. Whatever you want, whatever you desire, I'll do. I understand roofing nails are popular this time of year." he said with a shrug.

"Stop!" She turned her back on him and squeezed her eyes shut, remembering with suddenly vividness exactly how the nails had felt when Malice hurled them into Remy then snaked them around his bones. She struggled for a moment to breathe, shaking. "I'm sorry, Manuel."

"Take your shot, Lorna. Anything you do is no less than what I deserve. I'm the monster, remember? The thing that haunts your dreams, the smirking face that makes you die a little bit inside." he said bitterly. "I want to pay for what I've done. Past time, really. And since I can't go back and undo it, I must ask you to do what you will to me. It can't be worse than what the doctors did."

She shook her head. "Why do you think I'm going to hurt you?"

Manuel shrugged. "Because Amanda did? Because of what this Malice creature did to Remy? Because ... I want you to?" he said. "Because I deserve it?"

Lorna sighed and looked over her shoulder at him, "I don't like you. But I'm not Amanda, I'm not going to make you pay for that fact. You want to be hurt? Go find someone else to do it. I'm tired of hurting people."

"Then may I ask you for something? A small thing?" he called to her, trying to huddle into himself at the same time.

She wanted to tell him no but turned back to him instead, "What is it?"

"Tell Marie-Ange of this conversation. Tell her what I offered, and what you rejected." he asked. "She won't believe me, and I won't force her to."

"You want me to tell her that you asked me to hurt you and I said no?" Lorna shrugged. "Fine."

"That I asked you what I could do to atone, and you declined." he clarified. "I offered you blood, and you said no."

"You asked me to hurt you." Lorna corrected him. "I asked you to stop acting like you'd done nothing wrong. Your blood wasn't worth a damn thing to me."

"I defended myself." he replied stubbornly. "I gave you joy when you gave me scorn." He then sighed and nodded. "But as you wish. How much of a production do you want me to make of it? A quiet statement, or a declaration before all?"

"I just want you to believe it. I don't give a fuck if you tell anyone at all." Lorna shrugged. "I'll tell Angie that we talked and it's not any of her business. What you do is your own problem."

"Would I be offering you my blood if I didn't think that I wronged you?" he asked. Inside his skull, he was quickly developing a screaming migraine from all the emotion this conversation was generating. But his shields stood, and none of it extended out past his own mind. "I told you - I feel too much."

"I don't know. I don't really know you," she replied quietly, suddenly disturbed by the fact that that was true.

"Don't feel bad. I don't either." he said, and then turned to continue his walk out towards the treeline.

Lorna watched him walk away for a minute then set off for the mansion again. It was getting too cold to be outside any longer.