Amanda, Pete - Friday evening
May. 12th, 2006 08:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsSpeaking of food for thought... The talk with Nate stirred up a lot and Amanda is going through it all when Pete drops by to find out how things went with Emma. Or, rather, being Amanda and the way she carries guilt around like a security blanket, she's moping and Pete interrupts. He gives her another perspective on things.
Okay, it was probably a bit on the emo side, as Jubilee would say, to be sitting in the darkened room by the open window of her hotel room, listening to the city below but Amanda felt emo. The talk with Nathan had unsettled her more than anything else and she felt the familiar gnawing of guil, replaying the conversation over and over. They'd managed a compromise, changed the subject away from the difficult places, but Amanda still felt... guilty. And why shouldn't she? She'd done the wrong thing, made the wrong choices - what right did she have thinking anything had changed? Could change?
"Oi, Amanda, it's me." Pete knocked on Amanda's door. Hearing a muttered response, he opened the door, and took in her surroundings.
"I was going to ask how things went with the wicked witch of the north, but somehow I suspect I can guess. I really wouldn't fucking worry about it..."
She glanced up, squinting a little at the light coming in from the hallway before he closed the door and then took in what he'd said. "Actually, I got it," she said, voice somewhat flat. She nodded at the hotel notepad by the phone, covered in scribbles such as starting times and wages. "She called after I got back here. Start soon as the place is up and running."
Pete ran a hand through his hair.
"Then why exactly are you sitting up here on your own, looking like someone ran over your puppy, and then tried to feed you a really suspect tasting stew?"
She smiled despite herself at the metaphor and got up to turn on the lamp. No point both of them sitting in the dark. In the sudden brightness her eyes looked slightly red and puffy. "I had lunch with Nate today. We talked through... stuff."
Pete sighed, and looked at her with a mixture of amusement and exasperation.
"Oh christ. I'm sure that was entertaining for all concerned, wasn't it? Sitting there, picking at mutual scabs, the pair you of bemoaning all the things you did wrong, all the things you can see now with the benefit of hindsight..."
"Something like that." Although it was possibly more her with the scab picking than Nathan. "Mostly me apologising every second sentence for being such a crappy human being last year. The thing is, I've been sitting here trying to think of the right way of dealing with Healing Remy and all I the options I think of have someone dying. Him, me, maybe Manuel and me, since the link was there. I can't see it, Pete."
Pete sat down in a nearby chair, and leant forward, elbows resting on his knees, head in his hands. After a second, he looked up at here.
"Only you would sit there torturing yourself trying to find a better way to save someone's life, when you'd already managed it without hurting anyone. Only bloody you. I have such an urge to give you a clip round the ear."
He grinned.
"Have you spoken to Dom at all lately?"
"When the way I went about it could have killed a two month old baby, well, yeah, I'm going to try and find a better way," she retorted, a little sharply. A dull red flush entered her cheeks - she didn't like the feeling she was being made fun of, not with something as important as this. "And no, I haven't spoken to Dom since last year. More 'n six monhs now, I reckon."
"Well then for one thing you should bloody give her a call. And then you should ask her about how she had to talk me down from loosing it at everyone back in January, aver that whole fucking mess. Really, tearing into the whole fucking school. I was so fucking pissed off."
He dug his cigarettes out of a pocket.
"Here's the short version, though: you were right, they were wrong, and anyone that tries to tell you different is stupid at best, and evil and mad at worst. You didn't hurt anyone, you saved a life, and they decided that 'you might have...' was a good reason to pillory you. Fuck that. You were there, you could do it, they couldn't, and you made the choice. Anyone wringing their hands afterward because something might have gone wrong is a cunt."
"But..." It was all she could muster to say, really. She'd heard similar from Remy, but he'd been the one she'd saved, so of course he'd see it like that. "I thought..." She'd thought she'd been a monster, actually. The confusion was plain in her face as she flopped back into her chair. "I don't know what to think," she admitted at last. "I've spent all this time thinking Idid something terrible, and now you're telling me it wasn't?"
"Of course if fucking wasn't. You saved someone's life, without hurting anyone. There is no rational argument for how that can possibly be a bad thing." He lit his cigarette, then threw the packet over to her.
"Yeah, if things have been different, you might have a really good reason to sit up here staring out the window getting all mardy. But they weren't, and us normal human beings, who don't live in Xavier's house of mad bastards, we live in the real world, where what matters is what people do, not what they might have done, if things were a little bit different."
She caught the pack reflexively - whenever the pair them spent any amount of time together, cigarettes came into it, usually ballistically. "So what Nate was saying to me, 'bout protecting Rachel from what I might've done even by accident... that doesn't count?" she asked as she pulled one out and then started groping around in her pockets for her lighter. "'Cause that's where I really feel like shite - he thought I was trying to make him feel bad about telling me not to go near her, just 'cause that was what I was doing. Pointed out he was just trying to protect a defenceless baby from what might have happened."
"Nate's a first class bloke, don't get me wrong. But he's never been very good at taking a deep breath and thinking before he does anything. And he's already lost a kid once, and of fucking course he's going to be massively over-protective."
Pete shrugged.
"Tell me this: was this what-if risk to Rachel because you didn't know that using your powers like that would drain other people, or because you didn't check who was in range? No, fuck that, simpler question: was there a risk that you would involuntarily drain Rachel, just through being near her, when you weren't using your powers?"
Amanda shook her head firmly. "Before the Hellfire Club? No way. Selene was an evil bitch, but she did teach me control. Afterwards... well I didn't have my powers at all for months and when they first came back I wasn't sure if what she'd taught me had stuck, so Moira and Curt did a bunch of tests. I can see energy in people sometimes - not so much now as at first - but I don't think I can drain it. And I'm working on figuring out what it is I actually do now any way." She bit her lip. "But Nate didn't know that - we only started emailing each other after my birthday."
"Then he should have fucking thought." Pete didn't quite snap, but he tone was slightly sharp. "If I could put the pieces together after the fact from a couple of conversations, then he should have been able to work it out with you in front of him. You were never, ever a danger to Rachel, and saying "well what if she'd been nearby" is just looking for a stick to beat you with that you did nothing to deserve. You saved Le Beau's life, and they looked at the worst that might've happened, instead of thanking you for what did. The only reason I didn't start screaming at them all when I found out is that it was too late, and there was no point."
He sighed. "If I've got one regret about last year, it wasn't being there when all that crap happened. I'm sorry for that, Amanda."
She was quiet for a long moment, watching smoke drift up from the cigarette held between her fingers. Finally she took a long drag and said, her voice quiet: "I did a lot of stupid shite last year and I'm not trying to wriggle out of my responsibility for that but... thanks, Pete. I think I needed to hear that - at least I've got another way of looking at the whole thing now. I was so much in the wrong with even going to Selene in the first place, I guess I thought everything I did from there on was wrong." She looked up at him. "Is that why you pitched this job at me? To keep me around since you weren't last year?"
"No." He grinned. "Much as I might enjoy your company, I pitched this job because I trust your judgment, and I trust you to get the job done. That's it. You can learn everything else."
As much as she doubted herself, it was impossible not to feel an element of pride that he had that faith in her. Her shoulders relaxed for the first time since he'd come in and she gave him an almost-shy smile. "And that'd be why I said I'd do it." Taking another drag of her cigarette she stubbed it out with a decisive gesture. "How about we get out of this place, huh? Find Remy, toast this whole lark? I think I've done enough sitting in the dark for one night."
Pete stood up. "God, yes. I've spent most of the last couple of days arranging things like secure phone lines, and tedious crap like that, and I'm going spare. I need many drinks, right goddamn now."
"Have fake ID, will travel." Amanda screwed up her nose. Back in the land where she wouldn't be legal for another two years, what fun. Not that it stopped her but it was a pain in the arse sometimes. She grabbed the faithful leather jacket, shoving Pete's cigarette's into the pocket. "So," she said as they left her room and headed for the elevator, a teasing glint in her eyes. "Does this mean I get a trenchcoat of my very own now?"
Okay, it was probably a bit on the emo side, as Jubilee would say, to be sitting in the darkened room by the open window of her hotel room, listening to the city below but Amanda felt emo. The talk with Nathan had unsettled her more than anything else and she felt the familiar gnawing of guil, replaying the conversation over and over. They'd managed a compromise, changed the subject away from the difficult places, but Amanda still felt... guilty. And why shouldn't she? She'd done the wrong thing, made the wrong choices - what right did she have thinking anything had changed? Could change?
"Oi, Amanda, it's me." Pete knocked on Amanda's door. Hearing a muttered response, he opened the door, and took in her surroundings.
"I was going to ask how things went with the wicked witch of the north, but somehow I suspect I can guess. I really wouldn't fucking worry about it..."
She glanced up, squinting a little at the light coming in from the hallway before he closed the door and then took in what he'd said. "Actually, I got it," she said, voice somewhat flat. She nodded at the hotel notepad by the phone, covered in scribbles such as starting times and wages. "She called after I got back here. Start soon as the place is up and running."
Pete ran a hand through his hair.
"Then why exactly are you sitting up here on your own, looking like someone ran over your puppy, and then tried to feed you a really suspect tasting stew?"
She smiled despite herself at the metaphor and got up to turn on the lamp. No point both of them sitting in the dark. In the sudden brightness her eyes looked slightly red and puffy. "I had lunch with Nate today. We talked through... stuff."
Pete sighed, and looked at her with a mixture of amusement and exasperation.
"Oh christ. I'm sure that was entertaining for all concerned, wasn't it? Sitting there, picking at mutual scabs, the pair you of bemoaning all the things you did wrong, all the things you can see now with the benefit of hindsight..."
"Something like that." Although it was possibly more her with the scab picking than Nathan. "Mostly me apologising every second sentence for being such a crappy human being last year. The thing is, I've been sitting here trying to think of the right way of dealing with Healing Remy and all I the options I think of have someone dying. Him, me, maybe Manuel and me, since the link was there. I can't see it, Pete."
Pete sat down in a nearby chair, and leant forward, elbows resting on his knees, head in his hands. After a second, he looked up at here.
"Only you would sit there torturing yourself trying to find a better way to save someone's life, when you'd already managed it without hurting anyone. Only bloody you. I have such an urge to give you a clip round the ear."
He grinned.
"Have you spoken to Dom at all lately?"
"When the way I went about it could have killed a two month old baby, well, yeah, I'm going to try and find a better way," she retorted, a little sharply. A dull red flush entered her cheeks - she didn't like the feeling she was being made fun of, not with something as important as this. "And no, I haven't spoken to Dom since last year. More 'n six monhs now, I reckon."
"Well then for one thing you should bloody give her a call. And then you should ask her about how she had to talk me down from loosing it at everyone back in January, aver that whole fucking mess. Really, tearing into the whole fucking school. I was so fucking pissed off."
He dug his cigarettes out of a pocket.
"Here's the short version, though: you were right, they were wrong, and anyone that tries to tell you different is stupid at best, and evil and mad at worst. You didn't hurt anyone, you saved a life, and they decided that 'you might have...' was a good reason to pillory you. Fuck that. You were there, you could do it, they couldn't, and you made the choice. Anyone wringing their hands afterward because something might have gone wrong is a cunt."
"But..." It was all she could muster to say, really. She'd heard similar from Remy, but he'd been the one she'd saved, so of course he'd see it like that. "I thought..." She'd thought she'd been a monster, actually. The confusion was plain in her face as she flopped back into her chair. "I don't know what to think," she admitted at last. "I've spent all this time thinking Idid something terrible, and now you're telling me it wasn't?"
"Of course if fucking wasn't. You saved someone's life, without hurting anyone. There is no rational argument for how that can possibly be a bad thing." He lit his cigarette, then threw the packet over to her.
"Yeah, if things have been different, you might have a really good reason to sit up here staring out the window getting all mardy. But they weren't, and us normal human beings, who don't live in Xavier's house of mad bastards, we live in the real world, where what matters is what people do, not what they might have done, if things were a little bit different."
She caught the pack reflexively - whenever the pair them spent any amount of time together, cigarettes came into it, usually ballistically. "So what Nate was saying to me, 'bout protecting Rachel from what I might've done even by accident... that doesn't count?" she asked as she pulled one out and then started groping around in her pockets for her lighter. "'Cause that's where I really feel like shite - he thought I was trying to make him feel bad about telling me not to go near her, just 'cause that was what I was doing. Pointed out he was just trying to protect a defenceless baby from what might have happened."
"Nate's a first class bloke, don't get me wrong. But he's never been very good at taking a deep breath and thinking before he does anything. And he's already lost a kid once, and of fucking course he's going to be massively over-protective."
Pete shrugged.
"Tell me this: was this what-if risk to Rachel because you didn't know that using your powers like that would drain other people, or because you didn't check who was in range? No, fuck that, simpler question: was there a risk that you would involuntarily drain Rachel, just through being near her, when you weren't using your powers?"
Amanda shook her head firmly. "Before the Hellfire Club? No way. Selene was an evil bitch, but she did teach me control. Afterwards... well I didn't have my powers at all for months and when they first came back I wasn't sure if what she'd taught me had stuck, so Moira and Curt did a bunch of tests. I can see energy in people sometimes - not so much now as at first - but I don't think I can drain it. And I'm working on figuring out what it is I actually do now any way." She bit her lip. "But Nate didn't know that - we only started emailing each other after my birthday."
"Then he should have fucking thought." Pete didn't quite snap, but he tone was slightly sharp. "If I could put the pieces together after the fact from a couple of conversations, then he should have been able to work it out with you in front of him. You were never, ever a danger to Rachel, and saying "well what if she'd been nearby" is just looking for a stick to beat you with that you did nothing to deserve. You saved Le Beau's life, and they looked at the worst that might've happened, instead of thanking you for what did. The only reason I didn't start screaming at them all when I found out is that it was too late, and there was no point."
He sighed. "If I've got one regret about last year, it wasn't being there when all that crap happened. I'm sorry for that, Amanda."
She was quiet for a long moment, watching smoke drift up from the cigarette held between her fingers. Finally she took a long drag and said, her voice quiet: "I did a lot of stupid shite last year and I'm not trying to wriggle out of my responsibility for that but... thanks, Pete. I think I needed to hear that - at least I've got another way of looking at the whole thing now. I was so much in the wrong with even going to Selene in the first place, I guess I thought everything I did from there on was wrong." She looked up at him. "Is that why you pitched this job at me? To keep me around since you weren't last year?"
"No." He grinned. "Much as I might enjoy your company, I pitched this job because I trust your judgment, and I trust you to get the job done. That's it. You can learn everything else."
As much as she doubted herself, it was impossible not to feel an element of pride that he had that faith in her. Her shoulders relaxed for the first time since he'd come in and she gave him an almost-shy smile. "And that'd be why I said I'd do it." Taking another drag of her cigarette she stubbed it out with a decisive gesture. "How about we get out of this place, huh? Find Remy, toast this whole lark? I think I've done enough sitting in the dark for one night."
Pete stood up. "God, yes. I've spent most of the last couple of days arranging things like secure phone lines, and tedious crap like that, and I'm going spare. I need many drinks, right goddamn now."
"Have fake ID, will travel." Amanda screwed up her nose. Back in the land where she wouldn't be legal for another two years, what fun. Not that it stopped her but it was a pain in the arse sometimes. She grabbed the faithful leather jacket, shoving Pete's cigarette's into the pocket. "So," she said as they left her room and headed for the elevator, a teasing glint in her eyes. "Does this mean I get a trenchcoat of my very own now?"
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Date: 2006-05-13 03:44 pm (UTC)Because, you know, there's a world of difference between murder and attempted murder...
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Date: 2006-05-13 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 02:23 pm (UTC)Attempted murder requires intent, which was clearly *not* present. There is no attempted manslaughter charge, for fairly fucking obvious reasons.
I don't believe she should have got off scot free, but if her big crimes was to use her powers in a slightly thoughtless manner, well frankly, Xavier's owes her more than one on that score. A reasonably-delivered lecture was merited. Not the fucking pillorying she got, where *no-one* had the balls to stand up for her. So you'll excuse me if I gloss the truth over just slightly in an attept to repair the damage to her self esteem that you lot couldn't be bothered to think of in your rush to judgement.