Scott and Marie, early Wednesday morning

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Marie catches up with Scott on his morning run, as they arranged yesterday. Turns out that their experiment on Monday gave her some information she might have preferred not to have. Oh, and Scott ponders up taking up Zen Buddhism.


Marie watched the figure running towards her grow closer. She hadn't slept more than an hour or two the night before, but that was par for the course lately. At least insomnia had some uses - her room was spotless, she had completed numerous runs in the Danger Room and she had already mostly sorted the mess of equipment that the last PE teacher had left.

Oh G-d, Ah can't do this. Turning to go, she stopped and forced herself to wait for Scott to approach.

Scott slowed down as he saw Marie waiting for him. "Hey," he said, barely breathing hard for all that he'd done three quarters of his run already. "Expected to see you farther down by the lake," he said, not missing the hesitancy in her expression and posture. "What's up?"

"Ah…well…ok, Ah'll spit it out, but we should probably walk to where you can sit if needed. Not that Ah'd mind sweeping you off your feet again, but Jean might start t' take offense." Gesturing to a nearby bench, she walked over and waited for him to follow. Settling onto the bench, she pulled her knees to her chest, hiding her face.

Scott cracked a slight smile. "I didn't tell her about our little experiment gone wrong," he said, sitting down not on the bench but on the paved area surrounding it, so that he could do the necessary post-run stretching. "It's actually kind of interesting. She's not using her telepathy, so she doesn't pick up on these things..."

Marie raised her head to look at him for a moment before burying her face again. "'s not good, not to tell her these kind of things. Neglecting to tell someone you love somethin' important can be as damaging as a lie. Plus, this has to do with her too." Taking a deep breath, she continued. "This is just real awkward an' Ah don't even know where to start…so Ah'm just gonna jump right in. You remember when you asked me about the memories Ah got when we touched?"

"Right," Scott said somewhat warily. He wasn't sure why he'd warranted the mini-lecture, and he was positive he didn't like what it was leading up to.

"Well, the first time Ah told you it was nothing important…and Ah didn't get anything Ah didn't already know had happened." Marie was glad her face was hidden so Scott couldn't see her cheeks turn bright red, as the main memory she had absorbed surfaced and she saw…no felt, him and Jean together.

... okay then. He couldn't not notice the blush. "Marie, I... should've thought," Scott said a bit lamely. It wasn't like he hadn't known she would pick up some of his memories. But he'd been trying to focus on the experiment... "I hope it wasn't anything you really, really didn't want to see."

"It's fine… Ah got worse from John, really. That's not the memory Ah really wanted to talk to you about. It's what Ah got the second time around. With all that happened, Ah didn't even 'remember' it until later. But…" Raising her head, she locked her eyes on Scott. "…we need to talk about Bobby."

Scott jerked as if she'd hit him. "No," he said, looking a little white around the lips, "we really don't. I'm very sorry you saw that, but I think maybe we'd all be better off if you pretended you hadn't."

It was as she had suspected - Scott was not dealing with the situation or his feelings. "Ah thought about that, trust me. It'd be a helluva lot easier than talking to you about it." Yes, talking to my friend about my ex-boyfriend sleeping with his wife. Just how Ah love to spend my mornings. "But Ah didn't just see what you saw - Ah felt what you felt then…and got a taste of how you feel now." She tensed, worried how he would react.

"Marie, it was-" Scott's jaw clenched. "A complicated situation," he finally said, heavily. "And unfortunately, there's nothing to be done about it now. I'm trying very hard to put it behind me." Since the other two people involved wanted that.

"No, you're trying to squash it, push it back, ignore it. An' below that stews such animosity… such loathing. Ah've felt something like that before...and it frightens me." She shuddered, remembering what she had felt when she touched Erik. He had such feelings too, though a hundred times Scott's and not nearly as repressed.

Scott stared at her for a long moment. "It's not... I'm not going to do anything," he said finally, unsettled. "I'm in control of my emotions, Marie. That's the only thing that matters."

"Are you? Is it? You have you feelings under wraps, but how long can you hold them like that? You're not being fair to yourself." Reaching out, she hesitated, unsure how Scott would react to her touch now, gloved though it was.

He didn't pull away, but the look he gave her was confused and unhappy and very slightly defiant. "As long as I need to. Until they go away." Dr. Barnett would so be kicking his ass, if she heard this. "There's nothing to do, Marie. Literally, there's not a damned thing I can do about any of it. If I pursue... anything, I'm just going to wind up hurting people who got hurt already even more." And he didn't want to do that. Not to either of them, if he was going to be honest with himself.

She felt his pain… his anger. And that was when it dawned on her. The person he seemed to be most angry with was himself - for not being able to get past this, for not being able to predict it and for not being able to stop it. Kneeling in front of him, she wrapped him in a hug. "Its not your fault."

Scott flinched, but didn't pull away. "I don't want to think about it," he said tiredly. "There's no point. Who do I blame? Jean for being out of her mind when she did it and then sent me the tape? Bobby for being... well, twenty years old and in a vulnerable state of mind at the time?" He could all but taste the bile at the back of his throat as he made excuses for Bobby. He hadn't done anything like this when he was twenty. The excuse was a little thin.

As soon as she felt him flinch, Marie released and pulled away. "But you do blame someone," she said as gently as possible. She was worried that she had pushed too far and caused more harm to the already fragile Scott.

"Maybe there's only one person I can blame," Scott said, and his tone was more bleak than anything else, at this point. "Safely, at least. And I've got to blame someone... it's a hell of a messy situation, Marie."

"It is," she agreed. "But when are you gonna forgive yourself? Because Ah wouldn't call what you are doing safe at all."

"Forgive myself for what? Oh, right... being a shitty excuse for a husband and never noticing that Jean had a problem until she developed an alternate personality."

"That's exactly what Ah mean. Do you even realize that you're harder on yourself than you are on any of us? It is not humanly possible for you to be everywhere and know everything, even if that's what you try and do. Not without sacrificing your heart and soul." Brushing a strand of hair out of her face, she stared into the distance. "We all have regrets. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Things we wish we had known so we could have acted differently. Hindsight is 20/20, its easy to say you shoulda seen something, known it was gonna happen." In her mind, she pictured Cody's prone body on the floor in her bedroom.

"I don't want to know everything," Scott said after another pause. "I just want to know the important things - and that's what I keep missing, Marie." His mouth twisted bitterly. "The things that have direct bearing on the people I care most about. It's bad enough that they go through what they do, but then I find out... I always find out afterwards that it was so much worse than I thought."

"Imagine how much worse it could all turn out if you weren't there doing what you do," Marie said, her words coming out slowly. She blinked rapidly, bringing herself back to the current time and place. "You spend so much of your energy focusing on the things that went wrong. And yes Scott, Ah'll admit, things go wrong. It's what happens. But what about all the pain you have successfully helped people avoid - why don't you ever dwell on that."

"Marie, there's not a damned thing I did to help Alex. Or Betsy. Or anything timely I did to help Jean," Scott said flatly. "You know, I need a sign? Get close to me, get victimized. I really do. It's like this repeating motif, and there's not a damned thing I can ever do about it. I can point to things I've done to help total strangers, but when it comes to the people I love... I'm constantly not there, or coming up short."

Marie winced at the lack of emotion in Scott's voice. She wanted so badly to help him and all she seemed to be doing was causing him more pain. "Well when you get that sign made, go ahead and ask for one for me too. Except instead of victimized, Ah guess they'd need to put hurt, sucked dry or killed," she said, surprised by the bitterness in her tone. In a barely audible whisper she added, "An' you have helped plenty of folk that weren't strangers." Like me.

Scott's eyes shifted away from hers at the whispered comment. He could have pointed out that she'd had to leave, to get the help she really needed, but what was the point? It wasn't as if either of them were going to 'win' this argument. "We've moved awfully far afield," he said, as dispassionately as he could. "I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear all of this."

"You have nothing to apologize for," she said firmly. "How many times have you listened to me? That's what friends are for." Resting her hand on his shoulder, she brought the conversation back to its original starting point. "After this conversation, Ah won't bring up what Ah saw with you again…or with anyone. It'll be your choice, if you ever want to talk, to find me."

Scott's expression was a little lost. "I appreciate that," he muttered. "I just wish it would go away..." But amnesia wasn't a convenient thing. "I think... I think it will, eventually. Jean and Bobby will be able to let it go."

If wishes were horses… "…then beggars would ride," she mumbled. Shaking her head, she once again pulled away from Scott, retreating to sit on the bench. "Ah hope you all will. Ah just want you to be happy again."

"I am. Sometimes." He managed a faint smile. "When I stop thinking."

A corner of Marie's lip twitched up. "Yeah, just gotta get rid of those pesky thoughts."

"I ought to take up Zen Buddhism. I'm very tempted."

Marie's hand covered her mouth as a single giggle escaped, but it was too late. She couldn't stop laughing at the idea of Scott in a robe being called something like Chinshu and tending a little Zen garden.

"Don't you think I'd look good with a shaved head?" Scott asked, running his hand through his hair. "Call it getting a jump on losing it, which I will probably be doing before I turn 35..."

"Just dashing," she said once she was able to stop laughing. "You'd be the most sought after man in all the temple. All those bald ladies would think you were oh so sexy."