Amanda and Marie, in the medlab

[x-traction.livejournal.com]

Backdated to before this post, Amanda visits Marie down in the medlab. Marie is finally able to get some of her concerns off her chest and Amanda is just the person to hear them.

Marie sat straight up in bed, her breathing ragged, as she fought the panic rising within her chest. Looking around her, she slowly calmed her breathing, remembering where she was and how she had gotten there. She swung her legs over the side of her bed and got to her feet, pouring a glass of water from the pitcher on the nightstand and downing it in one gulp. She had been in the medlab since Monday and she was beginning to go stir crazy, but she didn't quite trust herself out amongst the students yet. She'd improved considerably from that first day, when she had continuously set things on fire, and Shiro's power appeared to be finally gone from her system, but his thoughts and memories were not.

There was a brief, almost furtive tap on the door and then it opened a little, Amanda sticking her head around it. "Hey," she called softly. "You up for a visit? Comrade Voght doesn't know I'm here, so if you're going to kick me out, do it quick." There was a slightly worried expression on her face despite the words.

Marie smiled faintly. "Then you better get in and shut the door. It won't matter if she hears two voices, she'll just think Ah'm talking to myself again." Marie pulled the paper gown she was wearing tightly around her. "Sorry about the outfit, Ah kinda burned through my clothes my first day here."

Grinning briefly in return, Amanda slipped inside, closing the door behind her. "Fire again, huh?" she said, coming over and sitting on the edge of the bed, not so close she crowded the other girl. "I've been trying to get hold of you and was getting a bit worried with the radio silence. And Logan? Not the world's most helpful individual. I ended up asking Angelo and Rahne if anything was up - Rahne's still got her insider info with medlab and let me know you were down here. Not anything else," she added hastily. "We both had the whole 'patient confidentiality' thing drummed into us when we worked down here."

"Ah'm glad she told ya...it's nice to have a visitor." Marie made a face. "Logan's feeling a bit overprotective Ah think...he had to see it all go down and then bring me back here." She smoothed the edges of the blanket, keeping her eyes down. "At least this time Ah didn't burn off my hair...even if Ah did burn just about everything else," she said as she pointed to some scorch marks around the room. "Fire is tricky to turn off, in case you were wonderin'."

"Well, considering there wasn't anything on the public journals about something going down, I guessed it was either leather brigade or something else." Amanda was watching Marie intently whilst keeping her tone casual, taking in the little nervous mannerisms, the small hints, as well as the scorch marks, and adding them to what she'd seen and heard outside to build a bigger picture - it was what she was good at. "And at this point I think 'something else' covers it, yeah?" She reached over and touched Marie's shoulder through the paper gown. "You going to be all right?"

Marie couldn't keep the shudder from running through her body. "Ah will be," she said, though her voice was a little shaky. "Just haven't yet felt like Ah could be around groups of folk, especially the littles, y' know? Don't want them to know that their RA gets a little..." she held up one hand and wobbled it from side to side "...off balance." She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. "It was leather brigade stuff, it just got a little intense...Ah...Ah just don't know how much Ah'm allowed to say. Ah wasn't exactly myself during the initial debriefing."

Amanda shifted closer, sliding her arm around the older girl's shoulders, glad she'd worn long sleeves that day in anticipation of the medlab chill which had only gotten worse with Amelia's tenure. "Well, you don't have to say anything, but I can make some educated guesses. You had to use your powers to take someone down, yeah? Someone with fire powers? Who wasn't acting rational, to guess from the way you're shook up." She smiled slightly. "Am I hot or cold?"

Leaning her head against the blond witch's shoulder, Marie sighed. "You're on fire," she said, then groaned at her choice of words.

Amanda stroked Marie's hair with a low chuckle. "Let's avoid the fire stuff for a while, yeah? Between the two of us the last few months, we've had more than enough of that." She could feel the tension thrumming through her friend, and continued smoothing her hair. "You must be climbing the walls, being down here. I remember I spent often enough down here to know how many ceiling tiles there were, though I never got close to breaking Nate's record."

Marie nodded, matching up her breathing with Amanda's strokes on her hair. "Ah hope Ah never come close to his record. Or anybody for that matter." She was silent for a few minutes, trying to feel calm and peaceful. "It's just...you never expect to have to take down a friend."

"Occupational hazard, sometimes. 'Specially in our line of work. Your lot get kidnapped and brainwashed, our lot tend to be on the edge of it half the time all by themselves." Amanda's voice was pitched to soothe, soft and slow despite the words. "Last year, when I went to Selene, there was a part of me that knew if I got too bad, if I went really and truly evil, that Remy would take me down. Permanently. 'S a sort of understanding I have with him and Pete even now, since yeah, been there, done that, got the makeover to show for it. At least with your way, there's the chance of them coming back. With Pete and Remy, that's it." She dropped her hand from Marie's hair briefly and hugged her. "Doesn't mean it's not fucking awful for you in the process."

Marie's eyes grew a bit large as she hugged back, Amanda's words reminiscent of her own pact with Angelo. She hadn't even dreamed that others would have similar arrangements, though it made sense. "There is that chance," she agreed. However small it seem at times. "And it's better now...Ah just don't know how to face him now that Ah did that and have that much of him in me. He...he wasn't himself, and Ah know that, but Ah don't know if he knows Ah know that...if that makes any sense at all."

"Well, not a huge amount, but 's okay, I'm used to talking in code." Amanda chuckled again. "I dunno, it might help, actually, having someone knowing what it was he was going through. Means he can't dive into denial, any way - that's something this place breeds, I've noticed. Whatever it was, if it was bad enough to force you to use your powers on him, he's going to need all the help he can to get over it."

"Yeah, Ah didn't think about it like that. He must be feeling so alone...and confused." She shuddered again. "Ah was pretty confused for a bit too...it's been a long time since Ah wasn't sure who Ah was." She chewed on her lip for a bit. "That's the problem though...Ah do know what he was feeling, but Ah don't really understand it any better than he did."

Amanda raised an eyebrow. "Can you talk about it? In general, no-name terms? Sometimes the best way to work something out in your head is to get it out of there and into words."

Marie chewed on her lip for a minute. "Well, Ah can try...just even the no name stuff doesn't leave this room, 'kay?" 'Ro and Scott might not be happy about her talking, but she needed to talk to someone and she hadn't felt comfortable telling anybody else these things. At Amanda's nod, she continued. "The person Ah had to take down had been taking drugs, something that affected his abilities."

"Drugs?" Amanda repeated, startled. She'd mentioned earlier it had been leather brigade business and a friend had been involved, which meant that someone on the team had... There was only one reason an X-Man might fall into that. "Something that improved their powers, yeah?" she asked, although it wasn't really a question. Suddenly a lot of what Marie was going through made much more sense. "And you took that on. Fuck, no wonder you're mixed up. Coming down off a high, even if it isn't yours, does a real number on your head."

"At first all Ah could think of was that Ah wanted more... Ah needed more power, more boost to be stronger, faster, better." Marie's face grew pale as she recalled the exact feelings she'd experienced. "Then when Ah woke up here, Ah was shivering, shaking and Ah just couldn't stop. Then Ah wanted more to stop that, to feel normal again."

"And you'd do almost anything to get it." It was said softly, almost guiltily, but then Amanda looked up, meeting Marie's eyes. "I used to justify the magic that way, back when I first got hooked - I needed the power to fix things, to make up for the love potion and all the rest of the shite I put people through. But eventually it was because I needed it after a while. And I did the most horrible things to the people around me to get it. This person, whoever it is, he's got a tough bloody road ahead of him, but 's not impossible." She smiled sadly. "I just hope he doesn't decide a psychic vampire's his only chance at a cure."

Now it was Marie's turn to hug Amanda. "It's a horrible feeling and Ah can understand how you could do just about anything to make it stop. You know, Ah don't think Ah really appreciated how strong you had to be to get past this kind of thing until now. And even now...well, Ah got to cheat...Ah only had to deal with it for a day."

"Well, nearly getting people killed tends to give you some perspective," Amanda said dryly, returning the hug. "And I'm doing much better these days - the physical side got dealt with at the Hellfire Club, and I'm getting counseling for the whole 'addictive personality' part. But this isn't about me. I just wanted you to know, if you - or this other person - needs to talk to someone who knows how it is, well, I'm game. You might have only had it for a day, but sometimes that's more than enough."

"Ah think it helps, just knowing that someone understands how Ah felt. Ah...Ah guess Ah was worried about..." she trailed off, casting her eyes down. "Ah wanted more power so much, Ah could barely control going after it, any source of it. That's why Ah've stuck down here for so long...Ah just wanted to make sure that was gone from my system...but maybe it never will be." There. She'd stated her greatest fear out loud.

"Never say never," Amanda said with a small smile. "It's hard, reining it in - I was fucking terrified when my powers came back because I thought I was starting on the whole rollercoaster again. But it can be done. You'll have moments where you're tempted, where you can justify it because it's to save a life or help the team, but there's always a price. Nothing's free and you know that probably better than most of us." Reaching to take one of Marie's gloved hands in hers, she squeezed it empahtically. "You said before I was strong, but you know what? You're stronger. And you know something it took me two bloody years to learn properly - you know when to ask for help. And you've got plenty of people there willing to give it to you when you do ask."

The tears Marie cried now were not of pain or sorrow, but of relief. They streamed down her face, but there was no sobbing or sharp intakes of breath to accompany them. "Ah really don't know what Ah'd do without y'all." Gathering her emotions under control again, she wiped her face with the back of her a gloved hand, the tears turning the thin cotton a darker shade of blue. "And don't sell yourself short. You are incredibly strong, y' know?"

Digging in her pocket for a tissue, Amanda offered it to Marie. "How about I don't sell myself sort if you don't, yeah?" She grinned then, suddenly mischievous. "We're both strong, incredibly hot women and the place is lucky to have us. Tho' I think you need to ditch the hospital get up. Want me to go get some of your stuff? Or sneak you out of here so we can curl up on your couch and eat ice cream and watch bad movies?" A mock-solemn expression crossed her face. "Ice cream's an important part of the recovery process. My therapist told me so."

Looking down at the paper gown she was dressed in, Marie made a face. "Ah'd love some real clothes. Someone brought me some the first day but Ah burned them to bits." Casting a glance at the door, Marie was glad to note that she didn't feel the same terror she had before Amanda's visit, though her nervousness hadn't subsided completely. "Ah don't think Ah'm ready to leave for good yet. But," her face grew incredibly solemn, "I would hate not to follow a therapist's advice. Ice cream and a movie, then sneak me back?" Covering her mouth with her hand, she giggled.

It was a good start, both the giggle and the 'escape'. "Good thing you've got a spy-in-training here. We're good at sneaking," she said, giggling herself. "Too bad I don't have the trenchcoat, tho'."