(no subject)

[x-havok.livejournal.com]

After the whole mess with Shiro and Clarice earlier, Alex goes to tell Scott about him and Shiro before another accident happens. It...doesn't exactly go according to plan and motivations are discussed.


To say Alex was nervous was a complete understatment of the entire
situtation. How was he going to tell his brother that he was dating
his best friend...his male best friend? Though was dating the word to
use? They lived together so it wasn't that and Alex wasn't exactly
sure about love either. Well, yes he loved Shiro...but yeah. They
weren't 'sleeping' together in the traditional sense either so he
couldn't use that word. 'In a relationship' sounded hokey but it was
best Alex could come up with during the long walk to Scott's suite,
long enough that he'd nearly chickened out with every other step.
Finally, still not exactly sure what he was going to say (but he'd be
damned if Scott found out the way everyone else had so far), Alex
knocked on the door.

The knock woke up Scott, who had dozed off on the couch. His first
coherent thought was There's a cat on my head? and he grunted,
pushing at the warm, furry body. "Des, get off..."

Not getting an answer, Alex opened the door and popped his head in.
"Scott?" He called before he saw his brother trying to get Des off his
head. Despite his nerves, Alex couldn't help smiling. "Having a bit of
trouble?"

"Gah, cat..." Scott finally managed to remove her, before she could
express her irritation by clawing at his scalp. "Don't make me regret
not declawing you," he warned her as she jumped off the couch and
vanished into the bedroom. He blinked at Alex, running a hand through
rumpled hair. "Hi. Um, was I supposed to be meeting you...? Kind of
lost track of my schedule these last few days, what with the bombings
and all..."

Shaking his head no, Alex came over to stand by the couch. "Nah,
nothing planned. I just...I got something I gotta tell you so I
thought I'd swing by now that things are calmer." He fidgeted
slightly, as he still didn't know what he was going to say. "How are
you doing?"

"Me? I'm fine, although I seem to be dreaming in newsfeeds." Scott
yawned, rubbing at the back of his neck and eyeing Alex. "Something
you've got to tell me? Everything okay?"

Nodding again, Alex came and sat down next to Scott. "Isn't that all
you watch anyway?" He tried for a joke but it failed and he sighed.
"Yeah, everything's okay. I think."

"You think? And no, I occasionally watch other things. I saw a movie,
just the other month..."

Alex raised an eyebrow at that. "I'll believe it when I see it." He
paused before nodding. "It's weird. What if I told you I'm...seeing
someone?" That didn't sound right either, but then Alex was beginning
to think nothing ever would.

Scott managed not to let his jaw drop at all. He felt that was
something of an accomplishment. "... oh? Well... um, good?" he
ventured finally, then gave a slightly embarassed smile. "I mean, I'm
hoping she's not got any divine aspirations or anything, but...
actually, yeah, that is good, Alex." The embarassed smile turned into
a sheepish grin. "I'd have hated to find out that your last girlfriend
turned you off women."

Alex stayed oddly quiet.

Scott... hadn't been expecting that particular reaction. "Alex? Please
don't tell me she's got delusions of goddesshood."

Alex looked up, bitting his lower lip.

"Alex," Scott said in exasperation, "would you please talk to me?"

"I think you'd mean godhood." Alex answered in a soft voice.

Scott gave him a totally uncomprehending look. "I... just woke up with
a cat on my head, could you elaborate...?"

"When you said you hoped she didn't have delusions of goddesshood...it
would be better if you'd hope he didn't have delusions of
godhood" Alex responded without looking at Scott.

Scott opened his mouth and then closed it again.

"I didn't mean for it to happen...it just kinda did. I feel...safe,
which for me is something, with him. I always have." Alex just kind of
babbled now, still not looking at his brother, afraid of what he'd
see.

His brother had a boyfriend. Well. That was interesting. Scott turned
an interesting shade of red, thinking about the too-flippant comment
he'd made a minute ago. "Well," he said, striving for a gentler tone,
"safe is... um, good?" The reason for the babble suddenly struck him,
and his eye widened. "Alex! You're not seriously thinking I'm going to
react badly to hearing that you're seeing a guy." Precisely how he
managed to give his brother the impression that he gave a damn about
that sort of thing? Gah...

Finally looking up, Alex winced slightly at the look. "No? Okay...I
wasn't exactly sure..We haven't had the best reactions so far...not
that we told anyone! People have just seemed to be finding out and I
wanted to tell you..."

Scott tilted his head. "People have been finding out... Alex, who are
you-oh." It hit, all at once.

He smiled like a guilty child. "Heh, yeah. Wonder why I haven't asked
for a new room?"

Scott blinked, still trying to process. Alex was seeing Shiro. Alex
was 'seeing' Shiro. Okay, that was both surprising, and yet not...
"Huh," he said, eloquently.

Cocking his head to the side, Alex looked expectantly at him. "Is the
lack of eloquence a good thing or a bad thing?"

"I'm just... well, it's not a bad thing." Scott hoped Alex knew he
meant the lack of eloquence. "But... this is awfully soon. After what
happened with Vida." Who had been awfully soon after Lorna, although
he wasn't about to point that out.

"I know." Alex responded almost automatically ,looking down at his
hands. "You'd think I was afraid to be alone," he said, with a small
laugh that he barely meant. "It just....really kind of happened. And
he makes me feel safe, bro. He has been there after everything...I
don't have to be afraid around him."

"Alex... don't take this the wrong way," Scott said after a moment,
"but does that... should that really translate to 'seeing'
someone?"

Alex shurgged. "I don't honestly know. Like I said, it just happened."

A sigh slipped out before he could stop it. Scott rubbed his hands
over his face, shaking off the last mental cobwebs left behind by his
unexpected nap. "I understand how that might be... good. You've been
kind of burned by making plans, hoping for the long-term..."

Wrinkling his nose slightly, Alex nodded. "No kidding. Though I don't
know how that translates into sudden bi-tendencies... except somehow
it did. At least Crush likes him, he never did like Vida that much."

"Well, they say that animals have instincts people don't..." Scott
raised an eyebrow as his cat poked her head out of the bedroom. Des
immediately vanished again, and Scott looked sideways at his brother.
"I just don't want to see you get burned again," he said more quietly.
"By anyone. It's not that I don't like or trust Shiro, but you've...
not had the best year."

Alex stayed quiet, lifting his legs up so he could hug his knees. "I
know...but really...I do think I'm afraid of being alone. Sad, huh?"

"No, not really." Scott was quiet for a moment. "I hated it, when Jean
was gone. I would wake up in the middle of the night and just... pace
the suite."

"I have nightmares still," Alex confessed, "when I sleep alone in a
room. Not just about Selene or anything...just general ones, though
the common theme is I'm all alone. It's terrifying."

"Alex, something I realized, when Jean was gone..." Scott was quiet
for another long moment, staring off at the opposite wall of the
suite. "She was right, to go. We both needed to learn, or re-learn,
how to live with ourselves. Before we could worry about living with
each other. I'm not sure," he confessed softly, "that I was finished
learning that, by the time she came back. But I was closer than I'd
ever been before, and now... now I can be with her, but not have my
life defined by that." And it had been, for years, hadn't it? Even
when she'd been 'dead', part of him had defined his life by the lack
of her.

Oddly enough, the first thing that popped into Alex's mind after Scott
spoke...was Lorna. It shook him up a bit but he nodded. "Yeah....I
understand. But I don't know if I could do that. I was serious when I
meant Shiro makes me feel safe...and I think, right now that's what I
need, while I work on everything else in my life."

"Mm," was Scott's troubled-sounding response to that. "But what does
he need, Alex?"

ALex frowned. "You know...I don't know. He won't...really tell me, but
if I had to guess...I think it's more of what I've always been for
him. Someone to be close to and not so guarded. He had trouble with
that when he was with Clarice, I know. Oddly enough...I think this was
his idea."

Oh, this was so not reassuring. None of the distress made it into his
expression, though the smile he gave Alex was a little tighter than it
should have been. "So long as no one's got any grand expectations here
that the other doesn't..."

Frowning again, Alex looked up at him. "Shiro is my best friend. We're
going slow and making sure this is mutual. Whatever you're
thinking...don't." Which was Alex's line of thinking and he was
sticking to it.

Scott raised an eyebrow. At Alex, this time. "I'm sorry, but you were
just telling me that you figured you were afraid to be alone. Telling
me not to be concerned after that... well, it kind of falls a little
flat."

"It's two different things." Alex said, probably too quickly. He
sighed. "I'll admit, I'm afraid of being alone, but that had nothing
to do with Shiro and me. Like I said, it just kind of happened. I
didn't go looking for it and neither did he!"

"... Alex, you're afraid of being alone. Now you're not. How does that
not have anything to do with the fact that you're with someone?"

"I am still afraid. I'm terrified. But Shiro helps. Is that wrong?"

Scott straightened, taking a deep breath and letting it out. "If you
expect to build anything lasting... yes," he said as steadily as he
could. "That's why I said what I did about making sure your
expectations are compatible."

It was funny, but whenever Alex thought about Shiro...lasting had
never been a part of it. But he wasn't going to admit that to Scott.
"I think I need think more about this," he said seriously, because he
really was kind of confused

"Just make sure you two talk to each other, about what you want...
like you said, he's your best friend. You don't want to lose that,
right?" And Scott was a little more reassured by Alex's admission that
he needed to think more.

"Not in the world." Alex answered honestly as he slowly sat up
straighter, letting his legs fall back to the floor. "And I think
that's a good idea. We will, promise." Then he grinned his cheeky
grin. "I think I better leave you, I think Des wants some more alone
time with you," he said in response to a lonesome yowl from the
bedroom.

"Actually, no, that sounds more like she's attacking Jean's shoes,"
Scott said, rising. "Either way, I should go and retrieve her." He
paused, giving Alex a slightly quizzical look. "Thanks. For coming to
talk to me about this."

Alex shrugged. "I wanted you to hear it from me. Shiro...isn't as good
at keeping secrets as you'd think." He stood and suddenly gave his
brother a hug. "Thanks, bro."

"You're welcome." And he was glad he hadn't heard about this from the
gossip mill. There was another feline yowl from the bedroom, and Scott
groaned. "Cat, Jean's going to skin you..."

Alex burst out laughing. "I better go too, Crush is probably whining
to go out and I'd rather Tommy not turn his tennis ball into copper
again. I'll talk to you soon, bro," he said as he made for the door.