Nathan and Ororo, Saturday afternoon

[x-cable.livejournal.com]

Catharsis is a good thing. Really. Even if the weather and the landscape don't necessarily agree.


Today was not a good day. Yesterday had been better, but last night had been... not restful, and when he'd woken up still unable to meditate this morning, it had been the last straw. Nearly a week, and he still had a head full of broken patterns. Charles's reassurances that he just needed time and rest were wearing a little thin.

Nathan grimaced and narrowed his eyes, watching a dragonfly skimming across the water of the lake. He rarely got all the way down here to the far end of the lake, but his shields were still rocky and a little distance from the thick of the noise wasn't such a bad thing. Distance. Space. Alone with his thoughts. Joy. His hands, shaking, curled into fists at his sides.

Ororo, too, was seeking distance; every time she ran into one of the students or staff that had been kidnapped a pang of guilt shot through her that made concentrating impossible. She was more than grateful that the end of school was coming, because at least then some of the students would be leaving and her administrative duties would lessen. She only hoped that that coupled with a hiatus from the team would help her get back to normal.

She was walking rather aimlessly that afternoon, having wandered from her garden to the path around the lake while lost in thought. She didn't expect or hope to see anybody else there, but much to her chagrin there was another figure in front of her as she rounded a bend in the path. Nathan. Dear goddess, why did it have to be Nathan?

Nathan's head jerked towards her, her presence burning through one of the weak spots in his shields. It was a strange sort of no-win situation - he had all his defenses up in 'don't get your thoughts anywhere near me' mode, which meant that people could almost sneak up on him. But with the cracks, people could both sneak up and be entirely too forcefully there at the same time. The look he gave Ororo was just short of hostile, before he wrestled his features back under control.

"Good afternoon, Nathan," the silver-haired woman murmured, knowing it would be cowardly to turn on her heel and go the other way and yet wanting nothing more than to do just that. "I am sorry to interrupt. I did not know you were here."

"Walking around in a bit of a fog, were we?" It came out in a growl. What with the lack of work, he'd had a little bit too much time to think, this week. To read her report in the database, over and over. Too many times, maybe, but idle minds and all...

"My thoughts are a bit clouded, yes," Ororo replied guardedly. She didn't like the look in his eyes at all.

She was looking at him as if he was going to explode, and for a moment Nathan was tempted to indulge her. He'd been just itching to let fly at someone, after all. "What is, is," he said - or intended to, before it came out in Askani. Again. He grimaced, then looked away. "I'm tired," he muttered, in English, to explain the slip.

"Then do not let me keep you. I am sorry again for the interruption." Ororo began to walk again, hoping to pass by and be out of his radius before any other uncomfortableness occurred.

"You know, you do the... distancing formality thing really well," Nathan said tightly as she moved around him. "How long are you going to keep it up this time? Until the next kidnapping?"

Pressing her lips into a tight line, Ororo paused, her her stomach twisting in knots in an increasingly-familiar way. "I hope that we are fortunate enough never to have to go through that ever again."

"Oh, you hope, do you. How deeply reassuring." Nathan's voice was oddly flat, at odds with the slightly alarming light in his gray eyes. "I suppose it's okay to hope, if we exercise all due diligence to avoid... oh, say, bringing down a psychotic cult and a guild of assassins on our heads. I realize that's much easier said than done."

Well. Someone had read their mission reports. "Perhaps not. I acknowledge that I made a grave mistake, Nathan," Ororo said tightly, her cheeks feeling oddly warm. "And you have every right to blame me for what you went through. I can only promise that I will not do something like that ever again. Whether you trust that is up to you."

"If you'd asked me last week, I would have told you that I'd have marched into hell on your say-so and never thought twice about it."

Ororo recoiled as if Nathan had slapped her; as it was, his words stung worse than she would have thought possible. "If I had thought for one moment that bringing the stones back would have had this sort of repercussion..."

"I wish I could say I was curious as to whether there had actually been a plan, but frankly I don't give a fuck at this point." His voice was a shade more brittle than he would have liked, and Nathan turned towards Ororo, a faint, defensive smile playing on his lips. It was the smile of a man who was about to say something unabashedly awful and knew it.

"I'm really curious," he said, almost lightly. "Was there some kind of... thrill, to this? Tricking the nasty cultists... is that why you brought those stones back? I didn't think you were the type to make decisions based on the adrenaline rush, Ororo."

An immediate crack of thunder overhead told Nate that that had been the Wrong thing to say - not that he probably needed telling. "I will not be spoken to in that manner," Ororo all but growled, her self-pity and guilt receeding in the face of the almost overwhelming anger she felt at that moment. "If you think I need to be made to feel worse than I do right now, you are a far stupider man than I ever imagined."

"I never pretended to have much of a sense of self-preservation, no," Nathan said, and the light in his eyes was more and more alarming - and very definitely unnatural, little flashes of gold psionic energy filling the air around him as well. The trees around them started to sway and creak, and didn't stop, despite the increasing lines of pain in Nathan's face. "You don't actually need to be aiding and abetting that, Ororo."

Sharp waves began to cut across the surface of the lake as the winds around them picked up. "It was a mistake, Nathan, and I do not think I will ever forgive myself for it. But to blame me like that... it is not fair, and if you truly believe it then you are as deluded as I was at the time."

"Fair?" Trees continued to creak and groan, and Nathan glared at Ororo, ignoring the building pain behind his eyes. "Precisely what does any of this have to do with 'fair'?" He took a step towards her, his jaw set. "You know," he said, his voice shaking, "this is twice." He should be snarling at Charles, about this part... but Charles wasn't one of the people he took orders from. "Twice I've gotten bitten in the ass by secrets being kept by the people in charge here... this was supposed to be different, Ororo, this wasn't supposed to happen here!' His voice had risen sharply by the time he cut himself off again.

Squaring her shoulders, Ororo met his eyes, her own beginning to frost over with white as the clouds above them darkened. "Then perhaps you should not have taken the job," she said, biting off each word. "Or perhaps you have had your fill of it. Maybe it is time to retire to a desk, where you can be assuredly safe for the rest of your life. At least you knew what you were getting into! The children never even had a choice."

"What I was getting into?" He didn't reply to the comment about the kids. There was no debate there; she was right, he knew she was right, and she knew he knew. It wasn't the issue, or at least, it was an entirely separate issue. "I thought I was getting into a situation where I could trust my teammates to tell me the truth, where the people giving orders didn't hold things back that could get you killed! You took the easy way out, damn it!" he raged at her.

"I did what I thought was right!" she shouted back, clenching her hands into fists at her sides. "Not because it was easy but because I could see no other way! Why can't you understand that?"

"Because I don't buy it! And you don't buy it either," he accused her, "or you would have been more convincing in that report!" Unconsciously, he was echoing her body language, his hands clenched at his sides as well. "God damn it, Ororo, we go borrowing enough trouble without stealing from psychopaths and daring them to come reclaim their property!"

"Well," Ororo said, her tone dropping to something cold and hard, "I will not be making that mistake again." Despite her apparently stoicness, the clouds overhead continued to churn. Obviously she was not as calm as she was trying to project. "And if you question my judgement, you are free to report my actions and your concerns to Scott. He would be happy to hear them, I am sure."

"See, now I know that you and Scott have hashed this out already. Otherwise," Nathan snarled, sarcasm dripping from every word, "you wouldn't be so quick to hide behind him!"

Ororo punched him. She was shorter than him, and lighter, and had no telekinetic abilities to give her the edge. She was, however, extremely pissed off, and when words failed, actions stepped in. Throwing every bit of anger and rage into the motion, her fist connected with his jaw before she even had a moment to think what she was doing. But oh, it felt good.

Nathan staggered back, catching himself against a tree. His jaw, after a moment, started to throb worse than his head. Straightening, he started to rub at his jaw as he met her eyes - and dissolved, all at once, into laughter. Near-hysterical laughter, and he found himself sitting down hard before he could help it.

Staring at the man currently doubled over in laughter before her, Ororo took a second to process what had just happened - I hit Nathan. And he is laughing.. The analysis didn't help much, but the absurdity of the situation threatened to overwhelm her until she too began to laugh, shoulders shaking and eyes watering with tears.

"One," Nathan gasped out, still choking with laughter, "you're not a redhead or Domino, so you don't get to spontaneously smack me one. Those are the rules. Two-" He couldn't speak for laughing for a moment, the hysteria bubbling up uncontrollably, and held up two fingers so that she knew 'two' was still forthcoming. "T-Two... I forgive you if there was even the tiniest part of you that was pretending I was Remy."

Ororo sank to her knees beside him, still laughing uncontrollably. I hit Nathan. "I cannot believe I did that," she said between gasps for breath. "Nathan, I am sorry... so sorry, and I will never do it again, I promise. I will follow the rules 'til my dying day."

"Now, don't be making promises that you can't keep." Nathan was very, very slowly mastering the laughter. "Ohhhh, damn." He took a deep breath, let it out on a sigh, and then wiped his still-watering eyes. His hands were shaking. Damn, he was a mess. "I suppose I deserved that. I'm sorry too. It's just.... Rory, and then this, and I couldn't fight properly..." He managed to cut off the rest of it, for his pride's sake.

"You do not have to explain yourself. You do have every right to be angry with me," Ororo told him, making a very conscious effort to clear the skies of their hovering thunderclouds. "But when you accused me of hiding... I am trying very hard to take the responsibility for this, without letting it overwhelm me with guilt. I am not sure how well I am succeeding." Her throat felt hoarse, though whether it was from yelling or laughing or both she couldn't tell. "Obviously."

Nathan sighed again, a bit shakily this time, resting his head in his hands for a moment. Rational. Reasonable. He could be that, right? That had been the whole point of sticking mostly to the boathouse this week, to make sure he could be that before he had to be around people. Unsurprisingly, it didn't seem to have worked very well, and for the first time in a month, Nathan seriously considered calling Jack. Coming unglued, Dayspring...

But he could think about that later. "It's easy to second-guess after the fact. I shouldn't do it." He straightened, looking sideways at her, the faint smile less defensive, but oddly sad. His hands were still shaking, but he folded them together. "You're probably second-guessing yourself enough for all of us. I'm definitely getting that impression."

"I have not yet come to terms with it all," Ororo murmured, unable to meet Nathan's eyes, though she knew he wasn't accusing her anymore. "But that is no excuse."

"I sometimes think it's easier when you make these decisions with bad intentions. At least then it's not quite so appalling if it turns around and blows up in your face. You sort of figure you deserved it. With good intentions... road to hell, and all that crap."

"I certainly understand that saying far better now."

Nathan leaned back against the trunk of the tree behind him. His head was just pounding now, and he rubbed at his temples slowly. "Bad choices, good choices... screw the whole process of self-examination for now, I say," he said restlessly, the words spilling out. "How would you feel about getting out of here after graduation?" He looked sideways at her. "Moira said I needed to go climb something. In as many words. My wife knows me too well."

With a sigh that threatened to make her start laughing again, or crying, Ororo reached up to run a hand through her hair. "It would feel a bit like running away... but I cannot say that would not be a welcome respite."

There was something close to sympathy in the gray eyes that studied her, now. "Wouldn't mean running very far. I made a promise about staying out of altitude, and I can't afford to take six weeks off to go to the Himalayas anyway. How would you feel about Yosemite?"

Ororo brightened a little in spite of herself, nodding a little. "It is beautiful, from what I have seen and heard. I have never been, myself."

"Then let's do it." His tone was almost wheedling, something that sounded very odd coming from Nathan of all people. "Tell me it doesn't appeal. To get away from all of it." To come to those terms she'd been talking about on her own time.

"Are you sure you would not rather go by yourself? Or with someone else? I must be the last person you would want to spend time with..."

That wasn't the case, of course, but Nathan couldn't have explained why he was offering. Her having joined him a few times for faux-climbs in the Danger Room aside, climbing in Yosemite was a very different proposition. And she might have enjoyed their climbs, but it wasn't her preferred method of unwinding. He knew that. But still...

"I trust you," Nathan finally said, slowly. It wasn't an apology, just a statement. Despite the events of the weekend, he did still trust her. "And I think maybe it's time we both left the guilt at the foot of the mountain."

Finally lifting her eyes to Nathan's, Ororo merely looked at him for a moment before nodding slightly, one corner of her mouth quirking up in a tiny smile. "Then I would be honored to climb with you."

"We'll see if you still say that afterwards." But Nathan was smiling - and already mentally listing the gear they'd have to bring with them. Out, getting out... "After I haul you up El Capitan."

"Already I am very, very grateful that I can fly."

Comments

[xp_daytripper]

*grins* Amanda would like to point out that if the stones had been left to the cultists, there would have been no way to track down where she was, and as such, is rather grateful. ;)