xp_logs | Doug's bad day, part 2 (Reply)

Doug sat in the rec room, staring blankly at the screen as pixellated enemies blew apart by the score. He gave off a vibe that, if anyone could read it like he could, said "I may look like I don't want to talk about it, but someone please come talk to me about it?"

Angelo walked into the room, took one look at Doug, and sat down beside him with a sigh. He chose not to mention Doug's extremely obvious vibe - yet, instead settling for a simple, "Hey."

The sights of Doug's virtual weapon moved smoothly and shot three more enemies before Doug responded. "Hey."

Angelo glanced at the screen, frowning in concern, before asking tentatively, "How you doing?"

Doug, in a mood to torture himself, answered. "Fine."

Angelo twisted to look at him, one eyebrow raised in disbelief. "Of course you are. Which is why you've said exactly two words to me so far."

Doug, still avoiding looking at Angelo, chuckled with an edge of self-mockery. "Very perceptive of you."

Angelo shrugged, leaning back on his chair. "It's something you learn. Survival skill." He paused, before continuing softly, "Wanna talk about whatever's getting to you?"

Doug sighed, his mask slipping for a moment. "Yes and no."

Angelo nodded thoughtfully. "How about we work with the "yes" part?"

Doug laughed, the self-mockery evident again. "In a strange sort of way, it's about talking things out. Or not being willing to."

Angelo just sits back and waits quietly, aware that Doug wants to tell him what's up and just needs to get it out in his own time.

Finally, Doug paused his game and leaned his head against the back of the couch. "Girls," he said expressively.

Angelo nodded, suddenly flashing back to a similar conversation between them in that same room. "Any girl in particular?" he asks, thinking of Rogue.

Doug grimaced. "Two, actually. In completely different ways."

Angelo leaned back, folding his arms behind his head, ready for a long listen. "Yeah?"

"Well, the most immediate part of the whole deal is Paige. We just...had a bit of a fight." Doug closed his eyes, weary and vaguely guilty.

Angelo sighed, before asking as neutrally as he could, "What about?"

Doug grinned wryly. "About things obviously bugging her, and about opening up and talking about it. Of course, since it doesn't solve anything, she doesn't, and so I, of course, being the idiot that I am, pushed. Which led to some mutual voice-raising, and me storming off melodramatically."

Angelo closed his eyes, having suspected something of the kind was brewing. "Right", he says, voice flat. "Things are bugging her."

Doug made a vague waving motion. "Kinda can't avoid seeing it."

"You're not the only one", Angelo told him. "Shinobi mentioned something yesterday, and he can't cheat the way you can."

Doug sighed. "Yes. Cheating is a good term for it. I cheat, I bring it up, and then it winds up getting me in trouble."

"You can't help being worried", Angelo tried to reassure him. "God knows I am, but I have a feeling I'd only make it worse..."

Doug nodded. "Yes. I'm worried. And I don't know if you'd make it worse. I doubt she's going to open up to anyone, even you, but I also have this hunch that I pretty much screwed it as far as it'll go all by myself."

"I don't think it'd have taken much", Angelo replied sadly. "There's so much going on, and no obvious answer..."

Doug finally looked straight at Angelo. "She loves you. Don't doubt that. It's just all the rest of it that is so confusing."

"I know", Angelo answered. "She loves me, I love her, she loves Jono, who knows what Jono feels... Confusing isn't the half of it. And not just for her." He sighed and screwed the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to think.

Doug placed a hand tentatively on Angelo's shoulder, kind of at a loss for anything to say.

Angelo looked up gratefully, with a weak smile. "We'll work it out. Probably. Just... she's hurting, and it's because of me. I had to go smashing in with both feet..."

Doug squeezed Angelo's shoulder, smiling. "Hey. She loves you. Feelings don't always make sense, and as Buffy best said it, 'love makes you do the wacky.'" He shook his head. "Don't I know the half of it."

Angelo shook his head, in despair. "She'd have been happier if I'd never said anything. With Jono..."

Doug shook Angelo ever so slightly. "Don't think that. I saw her at the dance with you. You do make her happy."

"Yeah, for one night. And now she's just even more confused and upset."

"Like I said. Love isn't easy, it doesn't make sense, but life would sure suck without it."

Angelo grinned wryly. "You're right, as usual. I just love her so much, and I hate seeing her like this when it's my fault, and I can't help..."

Doug grinned back just as wryly. "Basically that sums up the fight she and I had. I hate seeing her like this, and I can't help, and I worry."

Angelo looked up sharply, in concern. "What did she say?"

Doug played back the fight in his head. "Basically that talking it out doesn't solve anything, some things can't be solved by talking." He grimaced. "And then some low blows about my tendency to not leave things be."

Angelo winced. "I'm sorry, man. She shouldn't have said that. It's just..." He shrugged helplessly.

Doug shook his head. "Nah, I think I kinda had it coming. I mean, I _didn't_ let it go. I'm feeling a little guilty. Especially about how I was all melodramatic in storming off so as to have the last word."

Angelo managed a half-grin. "We're all allowed to be melodramatic sometimes, y'know?"

Doug shrugged. "I think I'm going to make my quota for the month just today."

Angelo sat up straighter, remembering something. "Hey, how's stuff going with Marie?"

Doug flopped his head backward again and let out a long sigh. "I was hoping you'd forgotten that."

Angelo chuckled. "This is me, Doug. I don't forget anything." He considered that for a moment, then admitted, "Well, okay, some things."

Doug sighed again. "Things with Marie are...frustrating. We had a blast ice skating last weekend, and I finally got her a Christmas present. But the subtext was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I'd like to labor under this delusion that she doesn't know how I really feel about her, but I have a hunch that's not the case."

Angelo eyed him, before suggesting carefully, "You sure you're not just forgetting that everyone can't see what you can?"

Doug rolled his eyes. "You don't need my little trick when someone wears their heart on their sleeve as much as I do."

Angelo shrugged. "Okay, if you're sure. But Marie's got a lot on her mind lately, and I'm not sure she thinks in those terms anymore anyway."

Doug gestured frustratedly with his hands. "That's the problem. She's convinced that dating is not for her. And...I just...I want to be that one thing in her life that's normal. Like when we went ice skating. And I want her to wake up and realize that maybe dating _can_ be for her, and that I'm sitting right here waiting."

Angelo hesitated, then said tentatively, "Maybe... maybe you need to work with what you have. Seems to me she has real good reasons for not wanting to date - not being able to touch people without hurting them, for one."

Doug, on a roll now, stood up and paced back and forth agitatedly. In a way, it felt good to finally let all the frustration that had been boiling up in him out. He spared a quick uncharitable thought for Paige. ~See, sometimes it _does_ help to talk about it!~ Stopping suddenly, he turned to Angelo. "Why the hell should that matter? It doesn't change how I feel about her. I mean, yeah, I'm sixteen with all the attendant hormones. But my feelings for her are so much more than that!"

Angelo looked back at him calmly. "Yeah. And I'm seventeen with hormones, and you *know* how I feel about Paige. But I think... Marie should be allowed her decision. Be her friend. Be her one normal thing. But don't be disappointed if that's all you get."

Doug started pacing again. "I know. I know it's her decision. Even more so because of her mutation. And I'll be her friend regardless. But...God, all I want is a _chance_. A chance to prove her wrong. A chance to prove that dating _can_ be for her. A chance to prove that I won't break her heart."

Angelo glanced down suddenly. "I know how that feels. How about you stick with building the friendship for awhile, huh? See what happens?" He shrugged, knowing he probably wasn't helping much but having nothing else to offer.

Doug flopped back on the couch, drained from his frenetic confession. "Yeah. Just be friends a while longer. Keep lying to her a while longer. Keep beating myself up every time I'm around her a while longer. I'm just too tired to keep pretending sometimes."

"We all get too tired to pretend sometimes", Angelo told him, his own weariness suddenly all too clear in his demeanour. "But you're not lying to her. Not really."

Doug shook his head. "That's not what it feels like. It feels like I'm lying to her every time she tells me that I can open up to her about what's bothering me, and I don't, because I'm scared of what it might do to our friendship. I lie to her every time she tells me what a good friend I am, and I don't tell her that I wish I could be more if she'd just let me." The words just spilled from his lips now that he was finally talking about it.

Angelo reached over to squeeze his shoulder. "And have you thought about what *not* telling her might do to your friendship, in the long run?" He sighed. "Listen. When I was holed up in the rec room, Marie came to see me and told me a lot of things. She said love isn't an obligation, it's a gift, and doesn't mean the person being told someone loves them has to do anything, or change. I really don't think it'd ruin your friendship. I don't think she'd let it, and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't."

Doug curled towards the comfort of Angelo's hand on his shoulder, aching for things to be easier, or to be solved by a simple hug. He sighed again. "I just don't know. I'm scared to put it all out there for her. No pretense. No lies. How I feel about her, black and white."

"She also told me if I couldn't hide it, and I didn't want to cut Paige off, maybe the only thing *to* do was tell her. If you really feel she knows already, maybe she's waiting for you to put it all out there for her. Thought of that?"

Doug shrugged. "Yeah. I've thought of it. I'm just...so scared of what _might_ happen that it keeps me from finding out if it'd actually be that bad or not."

Angelo nodded, understanding. "I hear you. You remember when we talked in here, right after I started figuring out how I felt about Paige?"

Doug nodded. "Yeah, kind of."

"Well, after that, I barely spoke to her for weeks. Didn't even touch her more than I could help, 'cause I thought that would make it go away. Thought she'd be happier with Jono. Turns out, it just made us both miserable." He sighed. "However you go with this, promise me you won't do anything like that."

Doug nodded hesitantly. "I promise."

Angelo's mouth twisted self-deprecatingly. "'Course, the way things are now is *so* much better. She's really happy."

Doug shrugged. "She's just having a hard time right now. Just be there and have faith, and you'll get through it."

Angelo looked at him suddenly. "Tell me, Doug, does that nifty trick of yours give you any clues to what she wants?"

Doug fell silent for a moment. "It's...not perfect. Some people are easier to read than others, and only in certain situations. For instance, I have a very hard time reading Marie, but I think that has something to do with the fact that I'm madly in love with her. And anyways, I'm not sure that even if I could figure it out, I should necessarily say anything. It's her decision." He sighed. "But for what it's worth, I'm not sure if even she knows what she wants right now."

"But what have you read from her?" Angelo asked, suddenly intense. "If you can tell me..."

Doug looked assessingly at Angelo. "I can tell you that I think it'd be a bad idea to back off, Angelo. It'd just make her feel worse."

Angelo looked like he wanted to argue, then just nodded, suddenly very tired. "'S the last thing I'd want. I just don't know how to make her happy..."

Doug smiled gently. "You do it by being there, by being you. Trust me." He stretched lazily and stood up slowly. "But I think I'm going to go feel sorry for myself in my room for a little bit." He shrugged. "Just keep being there for her. She'll figure herself out sooner or later."

Angelo looked up at him, managing a faint smile in farewell. "Thanks, man. And the same advice to you."

Doug grinned wryly. "I'll try."

"Okay", Angelo answered. "All any of us can do."

Doug began the walk back to his room, hands in his pockets and deep in thought as usual.