xp_logs | Backdated Jay & Kevin november 8th (Reply)

Jay and Kevin fight about Forge. Kevin says things he shouldn't and Jay gets offended.

Kevin was usually tense. Normally it didn't even faze him, he didn't even realize it. Couple tense with the rarely experienced emotion of anger and his skin was about to snap again. He couldn't even pinpoint what it was that Forge did that had pissed him off so badly. There was the touching, which he wasn't allowed. And there was the insinuation, which was not called for. And then there was the attack dog air about him, which was really uncalled for. And why did it all happen? Because of Jay, who was the person Kevin was now searching for? Living with the guy made it easier. Entering their suite, Kevin found Jay on the couch with his guitar. Forgoing any and all greeting he immediately asked, "Wha'd you tell Forge?" The insistence of his quiet tone was punctuated by him closing the door behind him and Kevin simply leaned against the door, eyes slightly narrowed and waited for the answer.

Jay was busy trying to write himself a song, or rather, a song for Kevin in the suit. He had been working on it for some time but not off of it came out to the degree that he wanted it to. There were aspects of the chords that didn't fit together and he tested it over, and over, changing and rechanging the notes. He looked up at the sudden opening of the door, and greeted his roommate and boyfriend with a smile he'd been wearing for sometime. His usual demeanour was absent, on a leave of indefinite absence and he didn't have any longing for it to return. Opening his mouth for a hey, maybe a quick kiss, it was cut off with the abrupt question cutting right through his smile. "Wha? Wha're ya talkin' 'bout?" Of course he knew, sort of, but the question caught him off guard.

Kevin narrowed his eyes slightly, not buying for a second Jay didn't know what he was talking about. "Ah'm talkin' 'bout wha'ever ya said ta yer frien' tha' turned 'im inta a fuckin' attack dog who informed me ta stop leadin' ya on an' playin' games wit' ya. Ah'm talkin' 'bout tha unspoken threat Ah got from him because Ah didn' deem it necessary ta bother confirmin' or denyin' any feelin's he was tryin' ta inquire 'bout. Tha's wha' Ah'm talkin' 'bout. So wha'd you tell him? An' why didn' you tell me you was gonna?"

"What?" he said for the second time, fingers dropping away from the strings in surprise. He never expected Forge to go tearing after Kevin, and the anger radiating from Kevin made his heart plummet into the pit of his stomach. Jay sat there, mouth gaping as he tried to fumble for something to say, or some defence, but he was more surprised then anything that Forge would do something like this. So Forge thought this was a joke, that it was 'quick', and he swallowed hard at the disappointment he felt. "Ah told 'em we were somethin'," he started, but didn't quite know how to finish. "Ah was gonna tell ya, but Ah uh.. " The excuse died on his tongue, and he set the guitar aside, standing up. More feathers then normal touched down to the ground, and he adjusted his wings before closing the distance between them.

Kevin plastered his back against the door behind him. He didn't want Jay to touch him right now and he knew enough to expect it could happen. "That's it? Tha's all ya tol' 'im? 'Cause he seem ta have it in his mind Ah owe 'im tha answers he wants, which Ah don'. Ah got no intention o' tellin' 'im anythin' 'cause it ain't none o' his fuckin' business an' if he wants answers he can ask you. Yer his friend, not me. But you shoulda fuckin' tol' me, Jay. An' ya ain't got no reason fer not?" He looked disappointed. It was hard to see in all the anger but it was tangible and there.

Jay stopped mid stride, and he felt his throat close up at the sight of Kevin pulling away from him. It took every part of his being to stop himself and tried to making himself breath. What was happening here? Why did this have to happen now? Everything was going well and then this. His hand recoiled back to his side, and he felt grounded to where he was, fixed into the ground like he had roots. "Hang on a second," he pleaded. This was going all wrong and his cheeks reddened. "Don' be mad at Forge," he quipped. "e's just lookin' out fer me. An' ah told 'em cause..." cause what? Because he was so proud of their relationship that he was dying to tell someone? It sounded so stupid and pathetic. He didn't want to say that. He'd just appear clingy. "Ah fergot ok? Ah didn't think it was a big deal. Forge' s ma friend, a good friend, an' e'd be all happy fer us.." Wouldnt he?

"Ah miss when threatenin' 'came standard issue wi' happiness." Fuck. That look on Jay's face made Kevin feel bad. He didn't move yet because he was angry and you did not go to someone that you...you didn't go when you were angry. "He's yer frien', so why 'e comin' ta me askin' questions like he's entitled ta tha answers? Wha' gave 'im tha righ' ta act like he knows anythin' 'bout who I am er what Ah feel er how Ah'm leadin' you on. 'm Ah leadin' ya on Jay? Am Ah?" He asked only because he knew he wasn't. Kevin didn't talk about it, the emotional stuff. It got confused sometimes because the situation was, well he hadn't ever expected it and he hadn't ever been in it. New things were confusing. But Jay wasn't. What Jay meant...that wasn't. He never said any of it but Jay knew, didn't he? He had to know, right? Kevin realized part of his anger wasn't even with Forge. It was with himself because what if Jay did think he was leading him on?

Jay rubbed the back of his neck and he dropped his hands, palms facing upwards, answering when he had no answers. "Ah don' know why 'e's like that. Forge ain't ever like that." He felt like he'd been slapped, and realized just how much he'd let himself fall for Kevin, and how quickly it happened. He only knew because it hurt to have Kevin attack him like this. He felt like something tore on the inside, ripping into him and he still didnt know what to say. He was at such a loss for words. "Kev, Ah--"

Jay had that utterly destroyed version of crestfallen carved into his features. It made Kevin shift from one foot to the other uncomfortably and look at the ground because he couldn't take that look. "It's not yer fault," he said slowly, quietly, trying to control his voice. Because it wasn't Jay's fault. He told his friend something and he didn't know Kevin might not want people knowing, or at least not people who were going to go daddy-with-a-shotgun on him. God, he really hoped Forge didn't have a shotgun. Pushing away from the door, Kevin took a step toward Jay before freezing. He didn't really know what to do to get that look off Jay's face. "Ah jus' don' go 'round tellin' folk all sorta abou' me. It might seem weird, 'cause fer a lotta stuff Ah don't care. Fer stuff tha' don' matter, tha' is. But stuff tha's actually personal, tha'..." Kevin made a frustrated sound because this wasn't coming out right. "Ah jus' don'. An' Ah un'erstan' ya tellin' 'im. Ah do. Ah mean, Ah wish Ah knew, but..." Now he sighed. Kevin had started to reach out but then his hand had dropped, not sure what it was even doing. "Bu' Ah'm not ever gonna answer ta 'im. 'Kay? "Cause it ain't his mind ta know. You. Ah'll answer ta you, bu' not him."

Kevin chewed on his lip as he took a deep breath. He had to ask before he lost the nerve. "You think Ah'm leadin' ya on? You think tha' or's it jus' Forge?"

He was so relieved to hear Kevin say it wasnt his fault and his shoulders dropped significantly. He was happy, or told himself he was, that Kevin didn't blame him, yet he tensed because it shifted, this conversation, or argument they were having - shifted over to a whole different ground. "An so wha? Ya think this is weird cause we're gay? Is that wha' this is 'bout?" his voice changed, demand laced in hurt - Kevin was making all kinds of statements tonight.

He shook his head, "wha' -- no! Ah don't think yer leadin' me on. Where the. .. Forge said this?" he didn't know who to be more mad at, or offended. Kevin for thinking that, or Forge for saying one thing and meaning another. Or the fact that this whole thing was blowing up in his face and the pained expression wished nothing more then wanting to be happy with someone who would love him back.

Great, and that led to an entire conversation Kevin didn't want to have because he saw all the ways it could go and most of them ended in something cataclysmically bad. Shit. Gotta do it eventually, he thought. Kevin took a very deep breath. "Ah don' thin' it's weird. Well, no, that ain't true. Ah think it's weird but not 'cause of that. Ah think it's weird you even wanna bother with me. But, Jay," his voice faltered for a moment and Kevin bit down on his lip hard. "Ah'm not gay. But it don' mean--'cause Ah wan'--an' Ah like--bu' Ah'm not." Kevin really, really sucked at the emotional stuff. Was there an award for sucking this badly at it?

Nodding slowly, Kevin said, "well 'e tol' me more'n once ta no' lead ya on an' he said it like Ah already was an' Ah didn' know if you said you thought Ah was or if he jus' figured Ah was because 'e kept sayin' how you had more'n jus' roommate type feelin's an' Ah never tol' 'im anythin' 'bout mine."

"Try again," Jay snapped. "Just thrust tha knife in a lil' deeper cause Ah ain't feelin' it yet. So wha' does tha' make ya then? Straight man fuckin' 'round wit' a gay one?" This was turning into something he didn't want, touching grounds that had been tread on before. It always turned out badly, and Kevin stood there, blocking his exit. What Forge said made more sense now, that he was being lead on, despite whatever Kevin said. And he felt like a damn fool for it.

The fact that Kevin wasn't gay, or just pretending, or whatever he was doing, stung and Jay turned around, heading for his room. He thrusted the door closed because he couldn't imagine hearing more of what Kevin had to say. He'd heard enough. Was he overreacting? He didn't think so. Mad at Forge, mad at Kevin, what difference did it make now? He wanted to solve it with Kev, wanted to touch him and just wished he hadn't said anything, but now he knew the truth of it. Grabbing his sweater, he pulled it over his head, and his wings through the holes in the back. They popped out, dropping more feathers then normal and Jay rolled his eyes, opening his window and pulling out the screen. He wished he could just fly home and forget this happened.

Fuck! This was one of those cataclysmic versions Kevin had considered and he was really fucking it all to hell for someone who had anticipated the reaction. He shouldn't have said anything, but it just came out because it came up and he should have been better prepared for this. He understood why Jay reacted that way and it's why he didn't want to say anything in the first place. And now...

Kevin walked to the shut door, hand almost pawing at it weakly. He wouldn't open a shut door. He wouldn't go where he wasn't wanted. But it wouldn't stop him from speaking. If Jay was even in there still. How did you keep hold of a guy with wings? You don't, Kevin, he answered mentally. You don't keep hold, he just flies south for winter and you never see him again. The thought stung. It stung more than he thought it had right to. "Jay!" Kevin called the name through the door, forehead resting against his hand that was flat on the wood. "Ah don' know what it makes me, okay? Ah don't know an' Ah can't help it 'cause Ah been thinkin' 'bout it ever since...ever since you kissed me. An' I kept tryin' ta find an answer'd hurt you less but it's tha truth. But it don't mean..." He sighed. Kevin wondered if he was talking to an empty room or not. Maybe he was. Maybe it didn't matter at all. Maybe it was already lost. He was already lost. "Ah don't wan' ya ta go," the words came out small and he wasn't sure if they'd carry through the door or not. Kevin was half convinced Jay had flown halfway cross the state already.

Sitting down on the ground in front of the door, Kevin pulled his hood up from his shirt and leaned against the door, curled into a ball and one hand on the door. "Ah can't help what Ah feel." His voice was loud enough to carry through the wood, he knew that, but he was just talking to himself now. "If Ah could Ah'd stop. So no one got hurt. Like this. But Ah didn' say nothin' 'cause Ah didn't want ya ta leave. An' Ah knew you would. If ya knew."

He was still there, hanging onto every word like it was life or death to them. He couldnt' ignore Kevin, but he wanted to. Wished he wasn't such a damn push over and hated himself for hesitating and lingering. He should have just opened the window, jumped out and left behind the last few exchanges between them. Maybe start the day over - that it would blow over and he could reenter the main room like nothing every happened, and nothing hurtful was ever said.

Kevin's words, it's the truth. They hurt. There was no lying about it, nor pretending that it wasn't said. He heard them loud and clear, like there was no door separating them. The confession of not being gay confused him. "So Forge is right." It didn't come out as a question, but a statement - a matter-of-fact tone, assuming his good friend knew what was going on. Even before he did. There was cruelty somewhere in this, as much as there was bitter irony, but he was having trouble narrowing it down because he could feel himself disarm at the simplest of words.

Kevin heard Jay's voice and perked up knowing he was still in there, though he didn't move from his place huddled against the door. "No, he's not right. Jay," there was desperation in his voice. "Why do Ah gotta be gay ta want you?" He sighed, not sure how to make it clear. "Ah'm bad a' this, okay? The feelin's thin', Ah'm really bad at just comin' out with it. Bu', Ah though' ya knew." He could hear his voice going weaker, damn near whimpering and Kevin hated it, but he couldn't lose Jay. He just got him and he couldn't lose him. "Jay, ye're, fuck, you're tha only thing Ah can remember wha' it feels like ain't metal or man made. Everythin' Ah touch Ah destroy, but Ah know wha' yer feathers feel like. Ah know wha' yer lips feel like and Ah, Ah...fuck, Ah don't know! Okay? Ah really, really don't fucking know but Ah can't lose you. Not already."

He stood at the window, one hand placed firmly on the edge of the frame, locking his elbows as he bowed his head. How could Kevin not be gay? The same way Kyle wasn't. Kissing a boy did nothing to label your sexuality, and though he knew this, he was hoping for it, hoping to find some common ground with Kevin that wouldn't make him so singled out. He was gay but his boyfriend wasn't? That made no sense. Was he setting himself up for a rerun of past events? He hoped not. But as he stood there, his wings relaxed, and the grip on the frame loosened. Releasing the breath he hadn't even realised he was holding, he opened the door. It should have been a pathetic sight to see Kevin curled up at the base of his door, but all he could think of was how endearing it was and held out his hand to haul Kev up off the floor. "No, it ain't al'ight, but Ah don' got much o' a choice, now do Ah? Ya promise yer not leadin' me on?"

Kevin nearly toppled over when the door opened suddenly. Taking Jay's hand, Kevin stood, awkward in his movements. "Ya got a choice," Kevin said very softly, eyes tracing the ground. He wasn't really fond of the choice Jay had because he didn't like one of the two options, but it was there. "Ya don't gotta stay. With me, Ah mean. But," his hands twisted in Jay's sweater and he tugged it gently, wanting him closer, "Ah..." he bit his lip and forced his eyes back up, hard as it was to meet Jay's right now. "Ah wan' ya ta stay. With me. Ah realize there ain't no reason fer ya to. Ah'm a pain in tha ass. An' Ah'm kinda a freak over stupid stuff. But Ah," he had to swallow hard. Kevin really, really hated doing the emotional stuff and he couldn't help thinking that again. "Ah wan' this. An' maybe Ah ain't got no right to 'cause Ah'm...but Ah don't fucking care. Ah want you." Kevin's eyes begged some sort of answer from Jay. He wanted to know it was okay to want him because Kevin wasn't really sure he could stop. He wasn't sure he wanted to, even if it didn't make any sense to him how it happened.

Kevin would be his undoing. He already knew it. So why did he stay? He couldn't say, except that touching Kevin through fabric was exhilarating, and there was a passion he felt there that he hadn't felt with Kyle. While he was still attracted to Kyle, he was overwhelmed by Kevin. And that funny thing was, the simple twisting of the shirt, the contact that wasn't really contact, was far more satisfying then he ever felt. Frustrating, yet satisfying, and he couldn't figure out which he liked more. The untouchable, unwritten rule between them that they couldn't have skin to skin contact, and it made Jay just want to find other ways to work around that. He was sure he could get creative. How easily his mind strayed away from the nasty argument just moments ago, and he succumbed to the heartfelt words, having said little of his own. He didn't understand why Kevin was saying he wasn't gay, and maybe he wasn't, but Jay didn't want to believe it because he knew it would come back to haunt him. It was like an impending doom, and like every other hero in a novel, he pushed it aside, though the small feeling remained, faint and there.

"An Ah want ya too." He reinforced his hands through Kevin's and pulled him closer. He was so cheesy, he could feel the blush creep to his cheeks in his embarrassment. Why now did he have to be embarrassed about admitting his affection to Kev?

Kevin pulled Jay closer, sliding a gloved hand around his waist and looking up into his eyes, unflinching. "So wha's anythin' else matter fer?" He didn't wait for the answer before kissing Jay, careful as always it was only their lips that touched. He let things show when he kissed Jay that he didn't like saying, that he didn't feel he had the words to say in the first place. The kiss was slow and sweet but Kevin put his heart on the line with it because he knew Jay had managed to capture it anyway, as reluctant as he was to admit that. "Ah'm sorry fer snappin' at ya," he whispered as the kiss broke.

There were always moments where Kevin's personality dominated his mutation, and demanded submission from Jay. It was easy to place those moments, because he always felt himself submitting subconsciously and he did it now as Kevin looked him in the eyes. Jay dropped his own, inclining his head and though he felt something wrong with Kevin's unsaid promise, he was compelled to ignore it. Instead, he shivered at the touch and alllowed himself to be taken up in a tender kiss. He always had to resist his urge to let go, refraining from giving a passionate, wild, unbridled urgent kiss. Instead, he let their lips part and started to push Kevin backwards, through the main room and against Kevin's door until he found the knob with his hand against Kevin's back, opening it. "It's al'ight. I'll go talk ta Forge later on, an' ask 'em ta mind his own business." Or something to that effect. He pushed Kevin back still, onto the bed, and climbed over top of him. It was time for silent apologies and forgiveness.