Mid-Day Sunday

[x-traitor.livejournal.com]

A confrontation between two young men happens in the gym in the middle of the day. A confrontation that has been brewing for months, years even. Things are said, but it's unsure of anything is really solved.


Heading down the hallway, soap, shampoo and a change of clothes in hand, Jay walked carefully along the floor lines, thoughts rolling over in his head about what he was going to do once the bartending classes started. There were so much to patch up that he didn't want to even bother going there with most of them. Procrastination had taken up a permanent residence in his life. He wanted to be apart of the team, but didn't feel like trying - knowing he would be terrible for it. Forge's words constantly haunted him, and that whole scenario with his good friend remained as fresh as it had happened the previous day. How long had it been since they spoke? Awhile now, Jay was sure. It made him miserable just thinking about it but didn't push it aside. It would be good to work it off, sweat it out, and maybe he'd feel better about it enough to go stride up something with Forge. Making his way into the change room, Jay tossed his things onto a bench, and went about the process of stretching out his limbs. It was better that he did it in here, where they cleaned frequently. A part of him rationalized that it didn’t matter what he did, feathers would drop regardless.

Nowadays, Tommy could only be seen in a few places around the mansion. The library, the labs, the gym and occasionally the kitchen, which included the times he sat on the kitchen stoop when he smoked. Ever since a certain red feathered mutant had returned to the mansion, Tommy hadn't been as comfortable walking around the mansion as he had been getting used to. Especially since Jay had told Yvette. It was mostly that point that made it so very uncomfortable, despite Yvette not holding it against him.

It was his time in the gym that help him clear his mind and forget for those few moments in the day. He'd spent about an hour and half on the various machines already and was currently doing chin-ups before he stopped to stretch and hit the showers.

The stretching took five minutes, including his wings in it, because today he wanted to try some sort of gymnastic move that he'd been practicing in flights this week. It was what he saw on T.V. and just wanted to try it for the sake of doing it. He bet it was something Kyle would have loved to see, except he wasn't going to show him, until he could actually do it. He felt he had something to prove but first and foremost, wanted to prove it to himself.

Sauntering through the door, he stopped in his tracks at the sudden sight of Tommy. His heart thumped against his chest and his hand slid off the door. Against his better judgment, he let the door close. His first impulse was to retreat back into the change room, collect his things and leave, except the door made a thud against the frame, announcing his presence. Hesitation kept him grounded for a moment before he ran a hand through his hair, and made his way to the other side of the room.

Tommy continued what he was doing, for the moment ignoring the fact he wasn't alone in the room, considering his back was to the door. Whoever it was could wait to be acknowledged since he only had about five more to go. He took a deep breath out and then pulled himself up, the muscles in his back visibly flexing through the tank he was wearing, releasing the breath as he let himself come back down.

Jay stopped by a bin, pulling out some wraps and taking a long, careful amount of time to wrap one hand while turning his back a little on Tommy. Being discreet was nearly impossible for Jay because of his red wings, but he was making an effort to be extra quiet and wrap his second hand while watching Tommy from the corner of his eye.

Two more chin ups and Tommy noticed how quiet however was in the room with him was being. It's not like he expected a hello or anything, since it wasn't like he was the most popular person in the mansion, but the lack of noise was almost disturbing. If he was hadn't been so disciplined in his work out, he would have been tempted to turn and look but he only had two more after all.

He had enough time to rethink this ordeal of working out with Tommy and could make it to the door without being seen. Looking up from where he was, his eyes grazed on the muscular back and switched longingly to the door. But if he fled right now, what would that make him? A coward? The team didn't want cowards, and he had to face his demons at some point, but he wasn't sure if he was ready to do it or not. The indecision fixed him to the spot and he looked back down at his slender hands, opening it, and then closing slowly. The last bit of wrap was strapped to the Velcro and his pulse quickened at the anticipation of being noticed.

Finally finished, Tommy stayed with back turned to the door as he let go of the vertical bar and picked up the towel at his feet. He took the moment to swipe the sweat from his eyes before he turned.

To say he was a bit stunned would be an understatement, though the only way one could tell was through his eyes, his body staying perfectly relaxed in his tiredness. He had idly thought of many people who could have been in the gym with him, but Jay had never been one of them. He ducked his eyes and scooped up his water bottle as well. "I was just finished...Don't worry, I'm leaving." He said in an even, soft voice, his normal confidence totally absent.

Inclining his head, he kept his eyes on the wraps, running his fingers over, telling himself he was double checking it encase it was uncomfortable. He acted as though he hadn't heard what Tommy said, where as he had heard every breathing syllable the other had spoken. He understood why seconds felt like minutes now. He couldn't wait for Tommy to leave, but wanted him to stay, or say something else that they could solve this, solve their differences, yet he was afraid. Even though he stared at his hands, it was like he was blind - sound and breathing were completely focused on the other, unable to distract himself. It was quite suddenly he was snapping back into himself, and laced his fingers through the others, pulling towards himself as he said, "You don't have to."

Were their differences solvable? Tommy didn't think almost killing someone really counted as solvable, especially someone who shared the fact with people who didn't need to know. "I think it would be better if I did." He said blankly before taking a step towards the showers.

Jay shrugged. "Fine, whatever," he said, and felt like saying something mean but he wasn't coming up with anything good. Tommy had this way of shutting him down completely like that, and he hated it. Like he couldn't think of anything else but the sound of his own bones breaking. How could anyone ever forget that? "Don't ya think it would be better if ya just left the school?" he asked. Okay, that might not have been the best choice of words.

That made Tommy stop and turn to look at him with a incredulous look. They had gone from almost civil to insults. "You did not exactly have to return yourself." He said matter a factly before turning once again to leave. While he would prefer the matter settled, he also didn't want to regress into childish arguments.

It felt natural to snap back into being nasty, keeping the other at a distance, but he wasn't trying to be mean and really needed this solved, if only for his own sanity. "Tommy, Ah'm sorry, Ah didn' mean that--" he started, and stopped himself. What did he mean then? It wouldn't kill him to see Tommy leave, and it never did any favors for him to stay.

The apology made Tommy turn around again with a raised eyebrow. Then he sighed and rolled his eyes. "Is there something you would like to say?" It was completely invisible by Tommy's body language but he was terrified. He just appeared his normal calm, collected self. "You look like your going to burst if you don't get it out."

Jay frowned, fretting because Tommy seemed so confident and he was just this gangly guy that could easily get his ass kicked again. Even under the protection of Xavier's roof, his safety had been robbed of him the moment Tommy stepped through the front doors. But he was determined to get it back. "Can't ya, you know, just be nice, or try an' pretend Ah'm somethin' more then just a punchin' bag?"

Tommy had hardly felt much safer, being in a place full of people who had every right to hate him. The feeling was lessened now, but there was still the thought in the back of his head everyday. "I've barely spoken two words to you since I've been here. I thought I was doing the right thing and leaving you alone. What more do you want me to do?" He'd given up what little life he had when Jay came back to the avoid the boy, what more did he expect Tommy to do? He wasn't giving up the only safe place he knew, so Jay was just going to have to deal with his presence, just as he would have to deal with his.

Jay turned around fully, though he made no move to get any closer, because doing so would mean he couldn't get away fast if he had to. "How 'bout a lil' fuckin' closure? Ya parade 'round 'ere like ya got every goddamn right after what ya did to me, when really, ya shouldn't have been 'ere at all. Maybe other people can forgive ya but Ah can't seeing as how yer still as proud of wha' ya did. Ya overlook everyone else's physical faults, but the second ya look at me, its like ya get some sorta look, like cold look. An' why is that? Cause Ah'm gay, or is it still cause o' my wings? Maybe it's cause ya didn' get to finish what ya started."

At Jay's last statement, the implication that he wanted to 'finish what he started', Tommy visibly flinched, like Jay had physically hit him, his nightmares coming to the forefront of his mind and he had to stop himself from being sick. He put a hand on one of the nearby machines to support himself, uncharacteristically showing weakness, but he couldn't help himself. When he thought he may have killed Jay was the worst time of his life, FOH or no, he was not a murderer. He was so choked up, he couldn't find the words to any of Jay's questions, besides getting paler.

His heartbeat felt like it was hammering a headache into his anxiety of trying to stand up to Tommy. He had always practiced and re-practiced words he should have said, could have said every time he saw the guy. But every time, words fell short. And now? They struck at Tommy bitterly, like someone else had taken over and he was just the passenger. His words obviously struck a chord and he hesitated, receiving no answers and confusion spread across his face. He narrowed his eyes, "Wha', this some kinda bullshit act yer pullin'? Cause Ah don' buy it. Already seen wha' ya do ta someone who liked ya. Ah can't believe Ah actually --" he snorted, letting Tommy fill in the blanks. It embarrassed him that his attacker had taken his interests and rammed them down his throat, a bitter taste of irony left over.

The accusation made Tommy flinch again, as that he been something else that had haunted him for ages afterwards. And it even had double meaning, for he had hurt someone he cared about that night. He felt lucky everyday that Terry had forgiven him. This cracking of his normal calm composure was wearing him down, adding to the usually relaxing tax of muscles from his workout making him just tired overall.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly, surprising even himself. "I wish I could say I'm a different person then when I...hurt you, but I'm not. I'm still the same person, but I've changed. I've learned. And there is nothing I can do to prove that to you except say, I'm sorry." Despite how he acted on occasion, Tommy was not a coward and looked up at Jay after he spoke. "I can't take back what I did. But I regret it everyday."

Jay hesitated at the heartfelt apology. He expected more of a fight, maybe Tommy to be the real asshole he was. It was hard to stand here and listen to this, see the genuine Tommy when he could only recall the true, menacing Tommy in his head. He could remember the mocking tone clearly as though it was yesterday, and goose bumps rose up on Jay's arm. Still, he hesitated. He wanted to ask for proof of Tommy's regret, but he knew there wasn't anything physical Tommy could offer nothing to show Jay that he regretted it and he felt a damn fool for trying to find some trust in the other guy.

"Ya know, Ah felt bad fer ya in a way. Ya couldn' look past yer own hatered ta see tha good in people n' now, Ah can' get past wha ya did cause ya probably wouldn' be 'ere if ya didn' have yer mutation. Ya'd be out fer blood right now - ma blood, cause Ah lived. Ya made --" he gestured between them, referring to the anger that brewed in the middle. "Ya'll made this. Hatered only breeds hatered. An' sayin' yer sorry just don' quite cut it. Ya gotta prove yer sorry. Words don' mean anythin' unles ya got some action ta back it."

Normally, Tommy would have defended himself and how he had thought back then. Jay knew nothing. It wasn't nearly as simple as the other made it out to be. But then, when was it ever? And he knew, no amount of words would ever be able to explain it. Jay didn't want to listen, didn't want to know. How Tommy had actually been trying to do good in the FOH, he'd just been misguided. He knew that now. But then, was that so hard to believe considering he'd grown up with it? He'd never wanted to hurt anyone. Jay...well that had been a product of fear and rage and Tommy had hated himself that night more then Jay ever could.

Getting come of his composure back, he snorted softly at Jay's words. "What do you want me to do Jay? I heard Yvette defended me to you. Don't you think that says something? But then, will anything ever be enough for you? Honestly?" Tommy shook his head. "You think I don't know how you felt?" A quick movement and his shirt was off, showing the faint scars from his own beating, something Jay had been spared due to his mutation. "You think I don't know how that hatred hurts? Think about this Jay...at least yours was by someone who feels sorry. Mine was by friends and family who still want me dead." His voice had remained seriously calm, despite the emotions he felt, but didn't betray. He'd done too much of that already.

Shaking his head, Tommy turned towards the showers to go. This conversation was getting nowhere and he was exhausted.

Jay's eyes moved slowly over those scars. "Just cause Ah don' show 'em, don't mean they arn't there." It wasn't the first time it had happened, but he hoped Tommy was the last. It hadn't only bruised him, but his ego too and he didn't want to say that. He stayed where he was; surprised faintly at Tommy's scars but then, it was who he ran with that had given him those. In Jay's books, that was Karma. God never let those go unpunished. But he also forgave. Tommy disappeared through the doors, and Jay suddenly followed, just enough to grab Tommy's arm and turn him. "Then give me a reason." A reason to forgive, a reason to forget.

Karma may be, but whenever Tommy looked at them, a part of him still felt like a traitor. Didn't matter to who.

To say he was surprise when Jay touched him was an understatement, but he'd regained himself enough that he didn't flinch. He raised a cool eyebrow at the other's request and gave it honest thought before looking at him to say, "I don't think that's for me to say. You will forgive or you won't. The reason is yours." Then he looked down at where Jay was holding him back, hoping to be released so he could go take a shower.

Jay's expression hardened at the cool attitude that he received. He was meeting Tommy half way, being honest and all he got was 'either forgive me or don't'. He didn't know what he wanted but he didn't want this. "Forgiveness is a privilege, not a right. Just like trust, n' the two go hand in hand. Ah don't expect ya to beg, but yer actions have ta tell me ya mean it." He let go of Tommy then, taking two steps back and pressing his wings against the door, pushing it open. "Ya want fergiveness? Then stop actin' like a butterfly with a broken wing. The world don' owe ya nuttin' Tommy, unless yer willin' ta give back." Sliding against the door, he moved to slip back into the gym, feeling better then he had when they started talking. He ran his fingers over his shorts, the wraps now damp from sweat. That had been hard, really hard, and for an instant, he thought he would have relived that nightmare through Tommy's fist.

"Last time I checked, I didn't ask you, or anyone, for anything. I don't feel I'm owed anything." It wasn't arrogant more just his normal honest way of speaking that drifted through the door. "I just want to live my life in peace."

Tommy stood near the door for a few more moments before turning away. He moved to pick up his things, deciding he'd wait until he was upstairs to take a shower. Any more confrontation and he'd have to go get more cigarettes as he was already going to tax his supply as it was.

Jay ran a hand over his face. He could hear Tommy despite being in the change room and Jay placed his hands on his knees, letting his head hang. A feather dropped past his head, and he sighed. He shouldn't be like that. He was better then this and found himself returning a moment later to see Tommy collecting his things. Running a frustrated hand through his hair, Jay paused just a few feet before him, mid stride. "Look, Ah--" he started, folding his hand into the other one, trying again. "Ah'm sorry. Ah ain't tryin' hard enough 'ere. An' maybe Ah shouldn'a said tha'. It's easier ta be mad then fergive." He was still mad at Forge and didn't like where he stood with this situation either.

Hearing the other approach, Tommy didn't look up until after he had finished gathering his things, which included placing a cigarette behind his ear, since at this rate he wasn't sure he'd be able to make it too his room without one. Then with a very tired sigh, he took a step towards the door. "I think we both better step back before more things are said that probably should not." He wasn't going to admit to the emotional tension they both felt, but it was implied in his honest tone. "This isn't going to be healed in a day, if ever. But a start is good."