Angelo and Nathan, Monday morning

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Angelo decides that keeping Nathan in the dark isn't an option after all.


It was one of those warmer late winter days, and Nathan was sitting out on the edge of the dock, skipping stones over the surface of the water - by hand, rather than telekinetically. It was bizarrely soothing, although he really ought to be meditating, rather than just sitting around like this. That was the point of taking a few hours out in the sunlight.

Angelo had been in the office, but eventually wandered out to join Nathan. He'd been thinking, as Scott had said, and... well, there was only one decision he could have reached, in the end.

Angelo shielded well, but the sudden increased proximity of his mind still made Nathan flinch slightly, his shoulders stiffening. His shields really were bad. No wonder Charles was worried.

Angelo blinked, seeing that, startled and worried himself. "...Nate? It's just me."

"Yeah, I know. Don't worry... I'm just jumpy." He skipped another rock, managing five splashes this time. "And you're down here on your day off why?" He drew the last word out in a faint drawl. "Don't make me lock you out of the office."

"Juliette's on my side, she won't let you", Angelo retorted. "Anyway, we talked about the day off thing."

"Yeah." Nathan didn't look back over his shoulder at Angelo. There was Stuff going on, he knew that perfectly well. He knew about the wounded, and he knew Angelo had been involved in... whatever it was, somehow. The lack of details in the database meant Snow Valley, most likely. The lack of details from Angelo meant that it had been bad.

Angelo looked at the back of his head and sighed, settling a little further down the dock. "You're bein' all monosyllabic again", he noted calmly.

"I am?" There was no edge to the comment, just a certain wryness.

"An' what's that s'posed to mean?"

Nathan looked around at him and raised an eyebrow. "I may be coming off a psychotic break, but I'm not an idiot, Angelo."

Angelo, abruptly, was staring at the deck. "...didn't want it to be like that", he muttered eventually.

"Like what?"

"Like how it's been. It was s'posed to be easier if I didn't tell you." In his own head, anyway.

Nathan let his head fall sideways for a moment. "Keeping things bottled up never works," he said after a moment. "You'd think we both would have learned that by now."

"But somehow, we never have", Angelo said wryly, then hesitated. "Do you... d'you want to know?" This was going to be hard.

"Of course I do," was Nathan's immediate answer.

"Okay, then." He thought for a moment, trying to phrase it, then gave up. There was another way, much easier, and all he had to do was pick the memories and push.

Nathan nearly fell in the lake.

Angelo blinked, and then without thinking, a strand of skin snapped out to latch onto the back of Nathan's coat.

Nathan was only peripherally aware of the fact that he'd been yanked back. His eyes actually rolled up into his head for a moment as the memories washed over him. "Unh-" was the first response aloud he managed to make. Too vivid. Vivid and sharp and blood and pain everywhere-

"You said you wanted to know", Angelo said, quiet and miserable. "I just wanted... it was easier than words."

"Wait." Nathan managed to force the word out, using the flash of aggravation - give me a moment to absorb it, damn it he thought but didn't send - to create some clarity. The initial impact of the memories faded, and he took a few deep breaths, steadying himself, before he went on. "Okay. I understand. Just warn me... next time."

Angelo's knees were drawn up against his chest, by now. "It's never been like that before. I didn't know."

"You're not the only one who hasn't been perfectly honest lately." Crap, had he said that aloud? "Never mind," he muttered, rubbing at his temples before he shifted around to face Angelo. "I see," he said, more levelly. "All of it."

Angelo couldn't look at him. This was going... starting... so much like he'd been afraid. The level tone, he couldn't read whether there was true disapproval there, but he was terrified. "You see?"

"I see." Nathan took a slightly shaky breath, letting his hands fall to his knees. "I'm sorry. For Miguel and Alejandra, and the others that didn't make it..."

"One", Angelo said very quietly. "When the team got there, there was one left. God knows how long they'd had the others there."

"I see." Saw, smelled, felt... Nathan's head tilted in the other direction, muscles along his jaw tightening. "You killed at least one of them. I'm sorry. You're not but you are, aren't you?" All caught between the different pieces of what he felt he should be...

"I know I should be sorry I killed him. But he shot Miguel, an' they took Alejandra, an' all the others..."

Something occurred to Nathan, and he met Angelo's eyes properly, at last. "Be sorry you killed him. Don't be sorry he's dead. No one's telling you to grieve for the sick bastard, or any of the others-" There was something else there, but he thought Angelo had kept it back, at least part of the way, and he was not going to push.

There was one thing he hadn't told Scott, wouldn't tell anyone. That part was Amanda's business. He nodded, eyes bleak. "I'm tryin' to be sorry I killed him. I think that's what I need to get to, if I'm gonna be... I don't know. A real X-Man."

"It's got nothing to do with being a real X-Man," Nathan said, not quite sharply. "Being an X-Man, it's something you do... it's important, but it's not you. You, Angelo Espinosa, deserve a life where you don't kill."

Angelo blinked rapidly at that, looking up at him. "Do I still deserve it if I keep wantin' to?"

"Yes." It was fierce, almost a hiss. "Because we can't see the things we see, fight what we fight, and not want to stop some of these bastards more permanently. We're human. But we're trying to build a better world, Angelo, and that means fighting to be better."

"I thought I was better", was the response, Angelo looking at his knees again. "I mean, I thought I'd... I know, there's still the sparrin' with Sarah an' you'd have to be crazy to do that the way we do an' enjoy it, an' then there's... other stuff, I mean... still talkin' to Miguel after everythin'. I'm not fixed an' I know it, I probably won't ever be, but I thought I was... better. Until that night."

"You saw human beings, including someone you love, crucified. Someone else you care about, shot down in front of you," Nathan said. "A saint would want to see the bastards dead."

"Yeah, I know. An' I've never been a saint."

"So." Nathan took another, steadier deep breath, and watched Angelo, waiting.

"I'm benched from the team", Angelo said abruptly. "But you probably figured that."

"And you know you should be." It wasn't harshly said, but it was very firm.

"Yeah. I know I should be."

Nathan shifted, resting more of his weight on one arm. His back wasn't too bad today, but he'd been sitting out here for a while. "It's not the end of anything," he said, "but you need to work this out."

"It might be the end of a lot of things", Angelo said quietly. "Don't know yet."

"Don't make me slap you upside the head. Or throw you in this oh-so-handy lake," Nathan said warningly. "If I can go from killing people cold-bloodedly on a regular basis to being an X-Man, you can find a way through this.'

"....yeah, Scott told me to talk to you", Angelo said with a wry grin.

"So, talk to me. End of what?"

"Don't know if Forge's talkin' to me, for one thing. I didn't tell him", he added hastily. "Well, not much. He guessed. An' then I need to think about the team again. Work stuff out, like you said."

"Start with what happened," was Nathan's advice. "Don't worry too much about the team just yet. The team can wait. You have more important things to worry about right now." Angelo felt a light telekinetic tap on his forehead. "What's in there, to be specific."

"...yeah." He looked down. "But it only happened last week."

"And?"

"I don't know where to start."

"Well, have you seen Jack yet?"

"Booked the appointment. Haven't seen him."

"Then I'd say that's the best place to start, wouldn't you?" Nathan made a noise that might have been a laugh. "None of the rest of us are professionals, after all."

Angelo looked over at him, eyes narrowed against the sun. "You'll help me?"

"Why are you even asking? You know the answer to that." Nathan's smile was ever-so-dry. "Have I ever refrained from interfering in your business in the last four years?"

That got a snort. "Yeah, but this time I'm askin'." How many times had he done that?

"And the answer's the same," Nathan said simply.

"Okay. Good."

Nathan watched him for a moment longer. "It's going to be okay," he said quietly.

Angelo just nodded, staring out over the lake. Somehow, he almost believed it would be.