Log: Morgan and Sam

[x-cannonball.livejournal.com]

Sam apologizes and the former couple talks.

Sam had been very nervous about running across Morgan for quite some time now. He was back to teaching and on the team, however, and he felt like he had one more amend to make. The e-mail certainly wasn't appropriate enough and it was time for him to confront his mistake. With a slight knock on her door, Sam rocked on his feet lightly while he waited for an answer. He had talked with and apologized to enough people at the brownstone that he was fairly sure he wasn't going to go missing and he wanted her to be in a comfortable place. He was supposed to be uncomfortable, not her.

Quirking an eyebrow at the knock on the door, Morgan paused in her reading and peered up over the back of her couch. If only she could see through walls and the like that might've been useful. All it did was give her a view of the door that had been knocked on. Real useful, that. She stuck an index card into her place in the book and closed it before rolling off the couch. She caught her weight on one foot and pushed herself upright with a hand on the corner of a cushion. It was probably Adrienne or Amanda or maybe even Lex. Who knew, maybe the Canadian had even come by on his way back to the mansion after time in the FBI office.

She was downright beaming when she opened the door. "Hey, what's...up?" The end of the question turned more quizzical and confused than she'd anticipated when she saw who was on the other side of the door. Brows furrowing together, Morgan tilted her head to the side and stared at her ex-boyfriend. "What're you doing here?" Her voice was soft and much more serious than it'd been when she'd opened the door.

"I figured I ought to come rightly apologize." Sam was good about smiling when the situation was uncomfortable and he managed to pull off something that was fitting, if a bit awkward, for the occasion. "It's been a while and I wasn't feeling settled because I don't think I went about it the right way yet." Even though he reminded himself to stand still several times, he couldn't stop nervously playing with the mittens he still had on.

"You figured you ought to come rightly apologize like six months after you ... went completely flippin' mad outside the building where I live with all my coworkers? Six fucking months later, Sam?" Her voice was quiet which tempered the irritation in it. She wasn't at angry, angry had passed months ago. But Morgan was irritated like hell that it took him this long to apologize like a grown up.

"Yes, after I had been to counseling and cleared by the people who do those sorts of things at the mansion. I know it's been a while but I didn't want to come back when it wasn't going to be real." Not that Sam could see himself intentionally lying about something so important. He also didn't want to assume he knew everything there was to know about himself or how people worked.

"You still crazy?" She eyed him. Morgan figured if she squinted enough maybe she'd come off unstable enough to scare him off or scare him straight. Either way that was like winning, right?

"I'm not sure I was to begin with, though it certainly seemed that way. I was just angry and I don't know how to handle that so well. It doesn't happen too often, either." Sam could only shrug. He didn't have much more of an explanation that could be wrapped up so shortly. The people that reviewed him at the mansion didn't seem to diagnose him with any sort of insanity either.

Morgan made a sort of begrudging sound in her throat. "Well then I guess I should let you in from the hallway." She stepped back and gestured for him to enter with the outward sweep of an arm. It was a bit strange needing to invite him in, and even more strange having him enter through the door from the hall. She'd gotten used to calling him and telling him to come over only to have him arrive via fire escape.

Sam entered as invited but only in far enough the door could be shut. He didn't expect to be made welcome or to be allowed to hang around for too long. Forgiveness wasn't something he could expect. "I... did just want you to know... I hadn't any right or reason... for doing that thing... I did." He hadn't really spoken with anyone like this in a while and he flushed when his awkwardness returned in stutter form.

"No shit you didn't." Obviously she wasn't feeling the 'let bygones be bygones' spirit at the moment. Morgan very rarely did. Her grudges were warm blankets that helped her get through the New York winters. "You flew off the fucking handle because I broke up with you but you never flew off the fucking handle with me when I did it. You flew off of it with people who had nothing to do with it and then you accused them of fucking with my head. Jesus, because I need someone else to tell me to break up with someone who would even jump to that conclusion?"

"I thought it was pretty important to respect your decision." Sam didn't have much to say in the way of defending himself. He knew that usually just made people more angry with him but he had been taught the importance of taking responsibility for his actions. "I'm sorry I didn't handle the rest like I ought to have."

"So you respected the hell out of my decision by flipping the fuck out at people I need to be able to work with and screaming your unhappiness out on the street so anyone who bothered to could hear you? That's respecting my decision?" Morgan wore an expression of expectancy even though she knew he'd not have any sort of good response for that.

"I'm not here to defend what I did. I'm here to apologize for it. I know it wasn't right." Sam had expected the yelling but he still didn't know how to respond. He didn't want to antagonize Morgan but he also didn't want to take her anger. It was healthy to be upset at people when you had been wronged or so he had been told during his recovery.

"No, 'cause you can't defend it. Because it was a shitty, asinine, immature thing to do. But you could pretend that you mean your apology by explaining why you did it to begin with." Saying you were sorry didn't actually fix anything. Morgan wondered if he knew that.

"I know how people see me and I'm sure you do too... there was a really interesting study recently about news and the 'time bomb' effect of negative press..." Sam stopped himself and sighed. This wasn't the class room and she wouldn't want to be spoken to like it was the school. "I didn't need you to tell me why what happened... happened. I knew it was due to everyone seeing me as non-threatening... or me seeing myself that way. Not sure it matters much one way or the other. And I got mad... and people don't usually think things through as much as they ought to when they're mad... and I ain't much of an exception. The people here were just the embodiment of what people think I'm not and that made a good target."

Morgan shook her head. "You're a fucking idiot, Sam," she told him flatly. "I told you why I was breaking up with you. And it had nothing to do with the person you are or aren't. Not at all. 'Cause I'd wanted that sort of person. And I'd wanted to be the sort of person who worked with and deserved that kind of person, for lack of a better word. But I'm not that person and we don't work like I wanted us to and that's why I bailed. It had nothing to do with you. When you're not busy being stupid and crazy and irrational you're brilliant. I mean that. Unfortunately you're too busy being stupid, irrational and crazy to realize I mean it when I say that. And you're too fucking busy having a cock measuring contest to remember that I don't tend to lie. If it was because of you why wouldn't I have just told you that? I'm not that nice."

"I got angry once... I know it ain't right to expect forgiveness but I don't reckon that one or two outbursts makes it where people don't trust maybe I have some sort of point rattling around up in my head." Had Sam noticed he managed to clear out most of his stuttering for the moment, he might have been proud. "Maybe I couldn't believe you because who you say you think you are don't line up with who I know you to be. I can tell that because if you saw who I did you wouldn't say there was nothing you didn't deserve."

"I think we know different people, Sam." It was almost a dismissal the way she said it but not quite. Morgan didn't get Sam's rose colored view of her any more than he understood her shades of gray view of herself. It was one of those things she thought they would have to agree to disagree on. There wasn't any other option there really.

"Well, I hope you thought about trusting me and what I see before you resorted to punishing yourself some more. Jay does the same things and it makes me think maybe we don't deserve things one way or the other but we just get what we get and that's part of the point of it all." Sam could tell by Morgan's dismissal she was about done with the visit and he didn't intend to overstay his welcome. This was about an apology, after all. It wasn't his job to change her mind and he'd find it disrespectful if it took too much of a turn that way.

"It's not about what you see, Sam. It's about what I see, what I want and what fits. You don't fit. You're a great guy when you're not crazy but you just don't. That's all there is to it." She wasn't really sure why Sam didn't get it. Maybe she wasn't explaining it very well. Or maybe it really was just that stupid that no one could make sense of it but her.

"Well, thanks for talking with me about this and I am sorry about what happened." Sam nodded and made a move for the door. He had been called crazy more than enough for the day and he hadn't come to agitate Morgan which was likely how the conversation would turn if they kept on that topic. "I'll see you around."

"Aye, see ya. Thanks for stopping by." It was clear she wasn't particularly invested in the sentiment of the latter statement, but that's what being polite was, right? No, Morgan thought, politeness had something to do with the other person believing you as well. Hmm, she'd have to work on that.