Vanessa & Lex | Friday Night

[x-copycat.livejournal.com]

Lex tries to make up for the other night and smooth things over with Vanessa. It all blows up in his face in unexpected ways.

The soft glow of candles filled the room with a rich light that played off the setting in the center of the table. He had spent several hours preparing an elaborate meal of fresh fish and a savory bisque that he had perfected while stationed in Florida during one training cycle. The suite had been turned into a romantic getaway for the two of them, and though Lex had misgivings about how their rendezvous would turn out he was not going to leave anything to chance. He had to get this right if he didn't want to lose her.

He paused for a moment and stared at the scene, it was undeniably beautiful. There was a great deal of power in the room and he hoped it would be enough to curb her anger. All he could do was wait for Vee and hope that she was receptive to what he had to say. What exactly that was he hadn't quite figured out, but he really did hope that he would come up with something good before she arrived. She was an integral part of his life and he didn't want to lose that, it would be like losing a part of himself.

Vanessa wasn't entirely looking forward to this. She'd gotten a message from Lex asking her to come by his suite so she did. But she wasn't enthused, precisely. Vanessa wasn't angry at him still, but she was stubborn, she held grudges and if she was really honest she was fairly disappointed and even hurt over the view he seemed to hold about their relationship and her. And she just wasn't sure that was reparable. So it was only after a deep, centering breath that she knocked on the door.

Even expecting it Lex was taken off guard by the knock and he jumped, and fell out of the chair. There was a dull thud and he hit the ground just shy of the table where all of his preparation would have been ruined. "One moment, I'll be there in just a moment." He hurried up and brushed himself off, and then moved towards the door.

Hearing the thud, Vanessa's eyebrows furrowed. She looked like a cross between concern and confusion by time the door opened. "Are you having a wrestling match?" She could see the candle light from inside the suite and suppressed a groan. They have a fight and she walks out and then she gets a call to come by for....lover's lane?

Lex saw the concern drain into a look of what he could only consider scorn and his spirits fell. However, he was not one to be disheartened easily and so he swelled up and breathed deeply. "No, I was just taken aback when you knocked. I've been running around for the past several hours trying to get everything ready." There was nothing for him to do but invite her in and try to make it clear that the way she had taken his statement was false. "Come in, I thought we could have dinner and talk... consider this the first part of my 3-part apology for my idiocy of the other night."

She came through the door and looked around. It was cozy. And romantic. A very sweet gesture, but for Vanessa it felt forced and insincere. She wasn't going to feel sappy and affectionate because she looked at him by candle light. It was a charade right now, nothing more. "This isn't really the way to go about things with me," she told him, her voice carefully neutral and reasonable sounding. She didn't want to be a bitch, but this was really not the appropriate reaction insofar as she was concerned.

He could tell she didn't appreciate the gesture and so Lex looked her in the eyes, "Look closely, this isn't me trying to persuade you by base emotional response. I just wanted to have a chance to show you my respect by making you a dinner I haven't prepared in several years. It's something I made for my comrades whenever we had trouble coping with the way things were going." Vanessa's expression was unreadable, as far as he could tell, so he offered her a choice. "Or we can go out if this is too much."

"You outright stated that you told me what you thought I wanted to hear because it would be easier than me going out and having an orgy, of all things, despite your wishes. Which you believed I would do if I really wanted that orgy." When it all came down to it that was her problem. Those two things and how they related to one another. Vanessa didn't sound angry right now, though. She sounded very matter-of-fact and her voice was even to the point of being devoid of emotional cues. "Candlelit dinner is not the way to react to that, even if you did it because you associate this particular meal with comfort. It's a distraction from the point. And the point? Is that this," she gestured between the two of them, "this has a big problem and it started six? Seven? Eight? months ago when you exhausted yourself and lost your powers from overtaxing and went away to try to figure out how to fix it. It started there and then it just got exacerbated since then. And then that thing you said that you didn't mean that way but said so you must have meant it somewhat? That was just the newest topping on the cake."

"You're right. We have had problems since I lost control of my powers and felt that I was a danger to everyone around me. I tried very much to keep you out of harm's way while keeping you close to me. I failed, and I've tried to make up for it in the past few months." He paused long enough to make it clear that his emotions were sincere, "As for what I said, I can't take it back and I don't suspect that I will be able to get you to understand the context of the statement as I have had trouble establishing it myself, after the fact." He moved a step towards her but did not make any attempt to create contact with her. He wanted so much to reach out and hold her, to make her understand that he cared about her more than anyone else in his life. There weren't many people he had ever been close to and to lose her would be a terrible blow against him.

"This is not easy for me, and you have to understand that even as I try to make things right I'm liable to fuck them up even more. You can remain angry with me, at which point I don't know what I can do, or you can work with me and help us grow together instead of apart. I'm really trying to make things right, but that's very difficult when you try very hard to hide your emotions from me."

"You want my emotions?" She made it sound as if in all reality he really wouldn't. "Alright, here's some emotion for you. While you were on your path of self-discovery with your powers - which I get and don't fault you for in the least - I had to go out hunting for a new male mimic to replace Daniel. I flirted with a guy in a bar and left with him in a ploy to get close enough to get the lock of hair I'd need. I spent all night with him. I didn't have sex with him, but it was an explicitly intimate evening even without that. And I really wanted to give him what he needed. And that was physical affection because of a bad break up. Comfort sex would have made him feel better than what I did give him and I was very tempted to do it. You are the only reason I didn't but by no means was that a clear decision. I wavered on it. A lot. That tells me something. because I hadn't so much as glanced seriously at someone other than you until then.

"We are physically apart. You're here, I'm in the city. It's no one's fault but various factors tie us to the places we reside much of the day. That wouldn't be as much of a factor if we hadn't spent months with barely any contact at all. We have very different focuses right now." She considered stopping there, but what would be the point? If he wanted to hear what she had to say then she would share it and he could see how far down the rabbit hole they'd gone. "I have been flirting with almost everyone I interact with personally lately. I'm not sure why, I just am. Maybe it's a response to how serious I end up being so much of the time lately with work and you. And you could say I take it too far. It's just flirting, but there is a point where it's play and there's a point where it's intent and I can't honestly see when I'm skirting or even crossing it until after the fact. I haven't skirted that line since the last time I was single. And what's worse is that I don't care that I am. And I thoroughly enjoy the dirty little thoughts that creep up in my head when I'm doing it. And not just in a hypothetical way.

"It used to be that I saw you and all I wanted to do was wrap myself around you. I wanted to be inextricably entwined. But I don't have that anymore, and that started months ago. I know you've been trying to bridge that gap that formed. I've been trying, too. But do you know what I realized the other day after I walked out on you? That gap is too big. The damage it did to our relationship or our connection or whatever is too severe. Because no matter what you try to say or do right now, I can't think of a single thing that will make me forget that you said I'd have an orgy whether or not you wanted me to. And when that becomes the most important thing in our relationship it seems like a clear indicator that there isn't one."

"If that's the most important thing in our relationship then you're right, I do not know that we have one." He breathed deeply and smiled. It wasn't a happy smile, but one of finally understanding how much pain he'd caused her. "I'm sorry if I no longer hold your interest, I've been feeling insecure about that a lot recently - which is one reason I was caught off guard when you told me that you were contemplating an orgy. Now that you tell me that you have seriously wanted to be with other people, having reflected on everything you've told me in the past year about how serious you are about monogamy - with your past as a reference - I feel wholly responsible for letting you down."

He turned away from her and walked to the far end of the table, where he knelt and reached behind the couch. He wondered if giving her the gift he'd been planning would mean anything to her and decided that, whether or not it did, he should give it to her because it was meant for her. "I often wonder if I could live with you the rest of my life, and every time I do I smile. You may not believe me, especially not after these past few days, but you mean a great deal to me - more than anyone else I've known since my father passed." He stood to his full height, a small basket in his hands. It was a handcrafted wooden thing that he had been carving for the past several weeks in hopes of giving it to her on V-day, her day. He had hoped it would give her something to remind her of him when he could not be around. "I made this for you, because I knew the physical distance between us was hard to deal with and what's inside is meant to be shared in hopes of further closing the gaps that now lay wide and open. As I stare into them I'm almost tempted to lose hope that they can ever be crossed, but my heart tells me that I have to try... even if it means falling hundreds of feet to my doom."

She didn't know what to say to most of it. What came out of her mouth instead of anything particularly relevant was, "What's inside?" The box was thoughtful. It was sweet. Just like Lex. But it seemed like they were either struggling to make this work or ignoring that it didn't. Or having sex. It was fantastic sex, really, and she was a big fan of him being naked. But sex didn't quite make up for the chasm of figurative distance between them, which held a lot more weight than any literal distance.

"Several things, including a couples' day at a fairly expensive spa downtown, which is accompanied by a night out dancing and a suite at a hotel that I've had booked since early January." He kept his voice even, though it trembled slightly with a pent up emotion that he was trying to hold back. He wanted her to go with him, that's why he had gone out of the way to set it up. The money didn't matter, he was sitting on all of the money he had made in the military and off what he still collected from his father's insurance policy. "There are some other things in there, but they'd be better served presenting themselves I'm afraid."

Vanessa hadn't taken the basket from him yet and she didn't take it now. In fact, she took a step away from him. "You didn't fail me," she told him after a long, heavy silence. "You didn't let me down. At least half the blame for the distance is my fault." She was frustrated, but not with him. She was frustrated with her confliction. That didn't show on her face, though. Almost nothing actually made it to her face because she just didn't know what she felt well enough for it to be conveyed in an expression. "You are an amazing, sweet, loyal, giving man. And you do stuff like that," a hand raised to indicate the basket, "and I don't even know what to do with that. Because it's thoughtful and it's...I don't even know. And it doesn't change any of that other stuff, but it makes me forget it's there for a little while. Just like that day in the restaurant did. Because I care about you. So much. And I don't say it much really because I'm pretty much a guy that way. But, see, I can't reconcile this with that other stuff."

She stopped and took a deep breath. Vanessa needed to calm and re-center herself because she could feel the threat of tears but refused to cry. Crying was not allowed from her insofar as she was concerned. "Look, I don't really know much about relationships. Or having them. Or being good at them. But I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to build the bridge that got torn up in the storm. And as sweet and thoughtful and caring as you are, and as much as you're trying to, I don't think you know how either. What the hell do I do with that? Because the cycle is just going to keep getting worse from what I can tell. Time together is amazing, but then time apart is like -" she floundered for a description. Vanessa wasn't always great with words and here she was floundering. "It's like when we're together it fits and it's perfect when one of us isn't shoving our foot down our own throat. And it's like when you're not right next to me or where I can literally see you...it's like we as a we don't exist. I don't know how to fix that. I don't even know if it can. I got so used to you not being around that when you're not I don't feel like I'm someone's girlfriend. I'm faithful to you but the intellectual knowledge that I'm in a relationship is all it is. I never forget you but I totally disconnect from us. And that isn't on you. It's on me. But...I can't figure out how to change that!" Her frustration was coming through clearly now. Vanessa didn't try to bottle it because she was pretty sure it was obvious that it was frustration with herself, not with him.

Lex didn't know what to do. She was right, in all regards, but that didn't mean that they had to break up. Somehow he knew that's where she was trying to take their conversation. He wasn't going to force her hand, though. If she was honestly considering being with other people then he had failed to satisfy her somewhere along the way and he couldn't blame her for wanting more from life. Without her he would be looking high and low for companionship that fulfilled him. However, that rational knowledge did not help him with his current situation. There were so many things to say and do, but none of them could fix this. It would be up to her.

He took a step forward and gently reached out towards her. It may be the wrong thing to do, but he would hate himself forever if he gave up simply because he didn't know the right course of action. He breathed in deeply and took a step off the cliff and into the arms of whatever awaits a man stuck between inevitable heartbreak and a dream come true. "Be that as it may, I want to try," his voice came out strong and full of an energy he'd been holding in since he had asked her to meet him. "I don't want to lose you, and though you're right - neither of us know what to do in this situation - I think that our time together proves that we are worth fighting for. Your happiness is one of the dearest things in my world, and I'll admit that sometimes I play along too easily because I want you to be happy. I can't promise things will get better, but I know that if I let you walk out that door I will regret it."

"How are we supposed to fight? What are we supposed to fight? I can shoot an enemy or punch an asshole but figurative distance? That feeling of disconnect? I don't have the tactics training for that." It probably said a lot that Vanessa equated any sort of fighting with literal fighting and the training she got when the guys took her into their mercenary crew. She wasn't sure what it said, but whatever it was definitely got said loudly. "I've tried to fix it or ignore it or leave it like a dead body and move past it. None of it works. It's all still there, even if it plays shadow games with me sometimes." She hadn't stopped contact between them when he'd reached out and now her head fell forward until her forehead rested on his shoulder. "I don't know that the thing that made me yours and no one else's, that intrinsic connection...I don't know that it can be found once lost or that it can be rebuilt as strongly as it had been."

Lex drew her in closer, setting the basket down on the table. He'd missed her touch and now that she was so close to him he could not imagine letting her go. He covered her hand in his and wrapped his other arm around her body to draw her tightly to him. "Not every fight is a physical one," he knew that she understood that but he had to try to reassure her in some way, "I meant that you and I need to work on this together. Neither of us can remain connected and solely drawn to one another without the other being there. If you feel that we've grown apart then I need to try to find a way back in, as much as you need to try and see where I disappeared to. It's not a perfect solution, but it may be enough for us to figure out what to do next."

As rare as it was to see a man cry in his experience he was finding it hard to hold them back. Lex didn't know what to do so he decided to do nothing in the best way presenting itself. He slid towards the couch and drew her with him. "Come, sit with me a while. I need you to be close to me, especially since I don't know what to do."

Vanessa shook her head and, with a hand on his chest, pushed away from him. "No. I don't want to keep in the same bloody cycle that got me here. I don't want to sit here with you, all attached and affectionate and whatever and then go home and everything starts to revert back. 'Cause that's the thing. It doesn't change except when I'm with you. Neither of us can move. Neither of us can just pick up our lives and relocate them. And I don't want to. I love being in the city, in District X, and working there and having people know me and know I'm there for them. I don't want to live here and commute there. You can't live anywhere else. And cohabitating seems like the only answer, but I know that's wrong. Because cohabitation isn't something you do to fix other stuff that's wrong. It's a step in the evolution of a relationship. If the only answer we have is to try to plaster ourselves to one another's side, no matter for what duration of time, then it's the wrong answer. And I don't think we find the right answer that way."

“No, we won’t find the answer by ignoring the problem.” He said, standing away from her and looking into her eyes. “But running from them won’t solve anything either. I want to do this together, even if we can’t move to live with one another. I’ve wanted to move in with you several times, but you are right about us being where we need to be for the time being.” He took an exasperated sigh and then took both of her hands in his. He had to do something, take an action that would change their lives, or else he would lose her forever. “Do you need time away from me? Do you want time away?”

He didn’t know what the answer would be, he just hoped she would be honest. He wanted her to be happy and, although he knew that without her his life would be very dark, he had to give her a way out. Tears threatened to spill out from behind a well-fortified dam.

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "When I'm with you I don't want to be away from you, but when I'm away from you it feels like I already am." She sighed, a slight growl in the sound that was directed at herself. "Need," Vanessa repeated, then nodded. "I need time. Away. I need time not being pulled in two different directions depending on our geographic proximity to one another. And maybe that isn't fair to you, and I'm sorry for that. I guess I just think something went wrong and we both have to fix different things for this to work out and I don't fix things I'm wholly responsible for with the help of others well, or at all really. I need to work stuff out on my own. And I need to not have the pressure and stress that keeps building up whenever I think about how to fix things. I need...a time out. I don't know if it's possible to take a time out from our relationship without taking one from you, but if it is then I think maybe that's what I want. But if it isn't I'll deal. And I guess I just figure...if we're meant to be then we'll find our way back to one another anyway. Right?" Vanessa sounded a little hopeful there at the end. Lex was one of the best guys she'd ever met. In many ways she was sure she'd never deserved him. But time out was all she could think of as a solution. She needed out of this so the pressure released. She needed to be carefree for a minute so she could clearly think things through where Lex was involved.

The tears came unbidden and he leaned down to the table and gently picked up the basket in attempt to hide them from her. She didn’t need to see his heart break. “That’s right, if we are meant to be together then we’ll see happier times soon. I can’t fault you for needing to be away from me to think about why you feel the way you do, and I need you to do what makes you happy. Please understand that I don’t want to let you go, but I’m willing to in the hopes that it will help us come back together.” He held the basket out for her to take and reached up and kissed her on the forehead. “I do love you, and I hope you can get some joy out of these gifts, even if they only serve as a way to help you know that I’m ok with this decision.” He couldn’t believe how good he was being about this all. He knew that she cared for him, and he for her, but there was definitely something that had to change for them to be happy. However, the tears that ran openly down his face marred his façade of serenity.

Vanessa took the basket, but there was nothing about its acceptance that wasn't awkward from the way she felt to the clumsy placement of her hands. She glanced inside it and spied a dark metal bracelet and a knife. It was definitely one of his, she'd seen it before. It lay there unsheathed and she noticed etching on the blade. Her initials. Way to accidentally sucker punch me in the gut, she thought. I deserve that, though. After a few deep breaths, Vanessa looked back up at Lex and the tears rolling down his cheeks unobtrusively.

Cradling the basket against her stomach, Vanessa reached up to brush some of the tears away. Then she gave him a soft kiss on the lips. "I'm sorry, Lex."

Lex let her kiss him, his shock so complete that he didn’t know how to react. He just stood there dumbly and hoped to god he had enough Scotch in the cupboards to keep him from analyzing what just happened. Either that, or he would simply have to eat the soup he’d made and then sit on the porch until he was too numb to feel anything, he couldn’t decide. “So am I, Vee, so am I."

"I should go." Pulling away from him took no small amount of effort. It was damn near impossible to convince her feet to move, but she did. Vanessa didn't look back once she started to move away and she only paused at the door. "It's really beautiful in here, you know. Under different circumstances, it would have been a perfect night you'd created. I'm sorry I ruined that." Then she pulled open the door and was gone.