xp_logs | Angelo and Amanda on the smokers' porch, this morning (Reply)

Amanda lit a new cigarette from the butt of the old one and inhaled deeply, flicking the spent butt over the railing and ignoring the bucket of sand placed there for the purpose. With a glance around to make sure no-one else was around, there was a clink as she pulled an ounce bottle of vodka from inside her jacket and spun off the cap. It wasn't quite what she needed, but it served to dull the pain somewhat.

She was taking a swig from the bottle when Angelo walked out and found her there. "Amanda! Hey", he said cheerfully, his smile fading when he saw the bottle. "Uh... you okay?"

"Fine. Never better," she told him flatly. She held out the bottle. "Want some?"

Angelo shook his head, eyeing her oddly. "Bit early for that, no?"

"Ah, but back home it's 2 in the mornin'. Never too early." She shrugged, and took another swig, grimacing a little as the liquor burned her throat. "You want somethin'?"

"Nah, just came out for a smoke", he answered, pulling out his pack and lighting one up, before holding it out in her direction. "Want one?"

"Got one already." She waved her cigarette at him and then took another long drag. "Give me a sec an' I'll be done with it, tho'."

Angelo nodded. "Sure. They're not goin' anywhere."

Amanda nodded, taking another gulp of vodka before putting the cap back on the bottle and tucking it away again. Her hands were shaking, but she didn't seem to notice.

Angelo, on the other hand, did notice, but didn't mention it since he'd already asked how she was. He settled for taking another drag on his cigarette, concern in his eyes.

Amanda had already smoked hers down to near the butt as he watched, and she glanced over at him. "Got that fag for me now?" she asked. Her voice, her expression, were the same as when she'd first arrived, hard and brittle. The street kid's face.

Angelo nodded, pulling the pack out again and offering it to her in silence. He hesitated, then asked, "Aren't you s'posed to be in class about now?"

"S'posed to, yeah. Ain't goin'. No point," she replied, blowing a cloud of smoke over the railing. "An' Shinobi can blow History out his arse."

Angelo blinked. "Thought you liked History. An' why is there no point?"

"'Cause I'm done tryin' t' be somethin' I ain't. Nothin's gunna change, I'm never gunna be what this place wants me t' be, so there's no point in tryin'. I'm out of here in a couple of weeks, might as well enjoy meself in the meantime."

"But you're comin' back", Angelo reminded her. "Nobody's said you're not, right?"

"I'm comin' back if Rom an' Pete say I can. An' since I fuck up no matter what I do, there's a snowball's chance in hell that's gunna happen." Amanda shrugged and reached for the bottle again. "So, no point tryin'."

Angelo reached for her shoulder instinctively, then dropped his hand. "That's not true an' you know it. You've been doin' good."

"Shows what you know," she said, dismissively.

"Then why don't you tell me?" he replied, an edge starting to creep into his voice.

"You an' me, we can't change what we are. So why go t' all that bother tryin'? Playin' by their rules - they're never gunna let us forget where we come from. No matter what we do."

"What we are?" Angelo asked, eyes and voice suddenly cold. He didn't like where this was going. "Seems to me we can be more than that, Amanda. An' they'd help, if you'd let them."

"I've fuckin' well let them. I've done everythin' I can, an' I still get accused of shite. Even shite I ain't actually done. An' they might be all nice t' yer face, but put one foot wrong an' they'll let you know that you're nothin' but a whore an' always will be." Bitterness laced her words, more emotion than she'd shown since the whole conversation began.

Angelo flinched as though she'd struck him at those words, then seemingly recovered in an instant, face blank. "That's not true", he said in a near-whisper, his voice betraying him.

"It is fuckin' true, an' you know it, Ange." Amanda's voice was hard and angry, but for a moment something flickered in her eyes. Something like regret. "You think they'll stand for you touchin' their precious golden girl? Minute you two sort yerselves out, you'll find out exactly what they think of people like us."

Angelo's head dropped miserably. "It's not true, it's not. Marie, Paige, they know, they don't care..."

Guilt flashed through Amanda briefly, but she remembered Remy's words. She was doing this for his own good - she'd seen too many junkies herself and the way they stitched their friends and family up over the cost of a fix. And she didn't deserve his loyalty - she had to be brutal about this. "It's what they tell you, 'cause yer useful around this place. You stop doin' things their way, they'll drop you quick as shit."

Angelo blinked. "Yeah, 'cause I'm so useful", he answered caustically. "I freak out, I hurt them, but I must be doin' somethin' right, 'cause they haven't kicked me out yet."

"You freak out once too often, see what happens. Seems t' me there's a limit - you get too hard t' deal with, they let you know. An' you really think Paige's big brother is gunna let her be with you? Yer dreaming, mate. Might as well wake up."

Angelo didn't look up. He didn't want to believe what she was saying, but it struck too many chords with his own unspoken fears. "You're wrong", he muttered, with no conviction. "Sam knows, an' he doesn't like it, but he's not stormin' about forbiddin' everythin'."

"'Cause the two of you ain't exactly together yet. An' why d'you think that is? Jono's a prick t' her, but Paige still won't let him go an' choose you. Why, do you reckon?"

That struck too deep. Angelo snapped his head up to look at her, eyes blazing with pain and rage. "Fuck you, Amanda", he spat. "D'you think you're tellin' me anythin' new here? D'you think you really had to say that?" He threw the pack of cigarettes at her feet contemptuously. "Here. Have the rest. Don't think I want them anymore." And with that, he turned on his heel to go back inside the house, heading for his room. He managed to get there without being spotted, transferred his entire stash of cigarettes to his pockets, and set out to find a nice quiet spot in the grounds to smoke them in. All of them.