xp_logs | Nathan and Manuel, Wednesday evening (Reply)

Nathan goes to Manuel to talk about what happened with Amanda. The conversation goes quite well, until the very end...

Nathan stopped in front of Manuel's door and took a deep breath. Focus, he told himself. You're here to help, and this isn't about you. The mantra actually helped - a little, at least - and he raised his hand to knock on the door. "Manuel?" he called quietly, well aware of the fact that the young man was in the room. "It's Nathan - can I come in?"

Silence for a second, then a voice from within. "There's no lock on the door. Enter." Manuel said, his accent actually under control for once.

Nathan did so, managing a faint smile as he saw Manuel at his desk, bent over what was clearly homework. "Must be awkward at times. The lack of a lock, I mean," he said quietly, leaving the door half-open behind him. He leaned back against the wall, some obscure sense of propriety keeping him from taking a seat. "That talk we were going to have... would you be interested in having it now, or would there be a better time?"

Manuel looked at the homework, and pushed it to one side. "Now works. Take a seat, make yourself comfortable. Mi casa, and all that." He then rescued for himself a can of Red Bull from his minifridge, and downed the can in one gulp.

Nathan went over and sat down, close enough that he wouldn't have to shout across the room at Manuel, far enough to give them both a little bit of distance. "How are you feeling?" he asked, giving Manuel an assessing look.

Manuel stopped to think for a second before answering that question. "That one is always tricky to answer. A little sore, still. Tired, but pleasantly so. Cold. Worried. Nervous. Shall I go on?"

"I suspect that probably covers it," Nathan said, a bit amazed at the dry tone he managed. Somehow, this wasn't as difficult as he had thought it would be. Then again, they hadn't gotten into any of the really tricky subjects yet. *Yeah, Dayspring, check back when you're done with the small talk--* He leaned back in the chair, his eyes flickering around the room. "I'm glad you're feeling better," he said slowly. "What happened Sunday must have been quite a shock."

Manuel nodded slowly. "You could say that." he said tenatively. "She saw damage in my aura, and thought she could heal it. That's what established the bridge, and then my power tried to re-create the link itself. Didn't work - not quite fully, anyway. I think we overlapped language centers. I couldn't speak English, but she understood Castillian."

Good to know he wasn't the only one having linguistic problems, Nathan thought a bit inanely, and then shook his head, telling himself to focus. "That's about what she told me," he said. "I, um... I should apologize for my reaction when she called me for help, by the way. I had been asleep, and it hadn't been a good day. I jumped to conclusions."

Manuel waved that apology away. "You had reason to suspect. I will forgive it." he said. "You had something to tell me of links, yes?"

Nathan leaned forward in the chair, resting his hands on his knees. "You were talking about how you felt as if your power wanted it," he said, his gaze resting on Manuel's face. Part of him itched to reach out, to get a clearer read on what the younger man was thinking, but he forced himself just to 'listen'. Manuel was at a disadvantage here, with the dampener, and there was no point in making that worse. "As if it reached out, of its own accord?"

Manuel nodded again. "Yes, that's almost exactly how it felt. Like it wanted that link back, and was going to try to get it in whatever way it could. How do you know this?"

A faint, sad smile crept across Nathan's features before he could help himself. "Because my telepathy has done the same every day for the last seven years." Even now, with the link with Moira; its presence didn't obviate the absence of the one with Aliya. "Only the person I reach for is dead."

Manuel wasn't so emotionally stunted that he didn't wince at that. "How can you stand that kind of pain? I wish I could see better, to see how you tolerate that." And he stared owlishly at Nathan's head, as if trying to force his power through the filter and to see what he wanted to see.

Nathan takes a deep breath and then lets his shields down. Not all the way, but enough to let him 'push' his presence outwards, hopefully to give Manuel a closer look.

Manuel had been practicing his psionic defenses, and when he felt the mindtouch he instinctively fought against it. "Are you trying to enter my mind?" he asked Nathan, looking at him askance.

"No," Nathan said softly, not quite sure what the hell he thought he was doing. "I'm trying to give you a look at mine."

Manuel ahed, and then lowered his shields as much as he could. "I accept." he said softly, trying to open his mind as much as he could. Even so, his mind is normally a maelstrom of psionic static - doubly so now with the filter bottling up his empathic power.

Nathan couldn't help a wince at the chaotic feel of Manuel's presence, but suppressed it as much as he could. #It was a telepathic link, so it's different,# he sent to Manuel as gently as he could. #Look...# He closed his eyes, letting himself reach out to that dark, bleak corner of his mind where the link with Jen had been. A wave of pain and guilt swept over him almost instantly, and he fought to shunt it away, push it back down to the unconscious level of his mind where it belonged. It had never gotten much easier, even in all these years, but he was always successful at it, now.

As Nathan pushed through the filter and made contact with his mind, his empathic power roared to life. ~NO!~ yelled Manuel in his head, pulling back hard on his power. Only reluctantly did it obey, withdrawing from Nathan's emotional minefield of a brain. *Sorry about that.* he 'pathed over to the mercenary, then took a look at the dead part of his brain. *Oh, the pain...* he 'pathed quietly, looking at the dead zone.

#I felt her die,# Nathan sent, only by the skin of his teeth managing to hold back the memories from accompanying the words. Those, Manuel didn't need to see. #They killed her... I was trying to get back, and I felt it. Every blow, every kick. She was screaming for me. The link splintered, like glass...# This time, the memory did slip through.

Manuel closed his eyes as tears threatened to overwhelm his vision. "Such pain..." he whispered out loud in English. "Since you have made the bridge - I could take that pain from you, for a litle while." he 'pathed.

Nathan took a deep, shaky breath, opening his eyes. He was dimly aware of the wetness on his cheeks, but chose to ignore it. "That's kind, Manuel," he said quietly, and meant it. "But given that this is me, I don't think we should risk it."

Manuel nodded, and left it at that. "I do not hurt like that." he admitted. "But what I feel - it is not that intense. Yet. I find myself thinking of her all the time, even when I should be thinking of something else. I close my eyes, and she is there. I wish I could see my own aura, to know what this feeling is."

"You weren't linked to Amanda for that long," Nathan said. "Aliya and I were linked for ten years, and she was a telepath as well. Much stronger than me, too." He tried to smile. "Which means that you are slightly better off than I am when it comes to coping with the aftermath."

"Even before the link, I would often find myself thinking of her. Watching her emotions, the play of colors as her moods changed." he said, drifting off into reminiscence-land. "She's got such a vibrant set of feelings that she hides away from everyone."

The smile came a little easier this time. "And she's still here," Nathan said softly. "Manuel, in a way, a link is the easy way out. It gives us a simple, powerful way to connect, and doesn't demand the same sort of... care and attention that a relationship between two headblind people requires." He leaned forward, his eyes intent on Manuel's again. "But the ease is deceptive," he said, keeping his voice low but making the words forceful.

"Deceptive how?" he asked. "I can see what she feels, feel it for myself, and then I can act on those feelings to keep her satisfied and happy. It is simple - far easier than the confused fumblings of the headblind." he said arrogantly.

"But it wasn't that simple on Sunday night, was it?" Nathan countered, his voice still even. Part of him was distantly amazed that he was managing to deal with all of this as calmly as he was, but it was like something had flipped his twitch, and Manuel had become 'someone to be taught', not 'scary, unstable apprentice mindbreaker'. "Your mind reached out to reestablish the link, but that's not what happened. You overlapped with her mind instead." He raised his hands, palms up. "It's too easy to go too far," he said. "A link is a constant balancing act. To do it right, to be safe, it takes much more care and attention, if of a different sort, than a relationship without one." Something occurred to him, and he gave Manuel a keen look. "You could lose yourself in her, very easily," he said. "Or, if you managed to hold yourself together, you could overwrite her mind. Those are only a couple of the possibilities."

Manuel hrmmed. "Losing myself in her doesn't sound all _that_ bad." he said with a leering grin. "Overwriting her mind, on the other hand, is impossible. I'm an empath, I can't touch her thoughts. And I can't make permanent changes - not yet, anyway."

"Okay," Nathan muttered dryly, "urge to smack you upside the head rising... but seriously, Manuel. You may not be able to make permanent changes yet consciously, but then, you weren't consciously trying to reestablish the link, were you?" He gave the younger man a level look. "You don't have your powers under control," he pointed out. "You're not sure of your limits yet. Do you want to jump the gun and risk hurting her? When you could still be around her, still watch her emotions... get to understand her and what you both want."

Manuel stopped to think about that for a second, and clearly didn't like the implications much at all. "You have a point. Stupid power's useless anyway. I will wait, and I will watch. I don't want to hurt her again."

Nathan decided that 'There's hope for you yet' would not be a diplomatic thing to say. Besides, he didn't want to come across as actually advocating this relationship. He was too much of an old stick in the mud for that. "In the meantime, there are things you could do to make it easier. The craving to reestablish the link, I mean."

"Oh? Like what? And if the answer is "avoid her and don't think about her too much" then I'm going to laugh in your face. It would work about as well as you avoiding that Scot woman." he said.

Nathan snorted. "Do I look like the sort of person that provides easy answers? No, don't answer that." He stopped, to give himself a moment to organize his thoughts. "First thing. Physical activity does help, when the... pull is particularly bad. By physical activity I mean working yourself into exhaustion, one way or another." He shrugged. "Your fencing might be a good outlet."

Manuel nodded. "Figured that out by myself. I swim, and I fence. I also now work out with .. what _is_ her name? Dammit! The one with the bones."

"Sarah," Nathan supplied with a faint smile. "Second thing. Getting yourself out of your own head is the most important thing, so anything else you do that you can become totally absorbed in is also a good idea." He eyed the iPod speculatively. "I would recommend against soppy romantic ballads, however."

Manuel looked confused, then looked over at the iPod. "No, right now they're loaded with some projects I'm working on. I've got some remixes in the works, taking some of the total _crap_ on the school MP3 server and making the music tolerable. I like trance mostly, but I'll listen to futurepop, EBM, stuff like that. Trying to force myself to listen to more punk, since Amanda adores it. Most of it is total crap."

"More into the classics, myself," Nathan murmured, and then shook his head. "Those are the easy ways, although they're not actually particularly easy," he went on, more crisply. "There are other things you can do. Visualization exercises... they're almost meditative, really. Did you see how I pushed the pain away?"

Manuel shook his head. "No, I didn't. Do it again?"

"Great," Nathan said a bit wearily, but told himself that he'd gone this far. It would be wrong to back out now. He closed his eyes, reaching back into the dark corner of his mind. The wave of anguish was stronger this time - it wasn't very often that he did this willingly, he wasn't this much of a masochist - and he gasped, tensing in the chair. But long practice let him channel it away, and he let the visualization stand in his mind more clearly, not sure if Manuel would pick up the half-formed image of a deep, opaque pool that swallowed the pain, rippled once and then stilled. "It's not a permanent fix," he said unsteadily, opening his eyes again. "Probably not particularly healthy, either. It's all still there, it's just... sublimated."

Manuel eyed that construct in Nathan's mind with great suspicion. "That's ... not healthy." he said with suspicion. "That's like how I used to shield - focus in so closely on one person that you can blot out everyone else."

Nathan frowned a little, not sure he saw the connection, but he nodded anyway. "Except that it's you you're focusing on," he pointed out. "It keeps it all inside your own head, and given that your link-partner is still out there and you're looking for a preventative method..." He trailed off, shaking his head. "It may not be the best option," he allowed.

"When I finally build a me that I can use to do this with, I'll give it a try." he said.

'When', not 'if'. Nathan couldn't help another smile. The boy's attitude was better, in any case. "I think there's more of a you than you give yourself credit for," he said. "When you tell me that you're concerned about hurting her."

Manuel looked confused. "Of course I am. I ... never mind. Is there anything else?"

"Well, we've covering the 'getting out of your head' options, and the 'getting deeper into your head' option," Nathan said thoughtfully. "I'm not going to tell you to stay away from her, but I would recommend against actual physical contact. That would probably only make the pull more intense--" Nathan stopped mid-sentence, frowning at the flickering lights in his peripheral vision. "Shit," he whispered, his eyes snapping worriedly back to Manuel.

Manuel looked at Nathan curiously. "What? Do not stop there, tell me more! And my power is sensitive to touch - it always has been, but now it is even worse."

Nathan pulled his shields back together frantically, trying to concentrate on making them stronger, inside and out. But he had only had the two sessions with Charles, and while they had made progress, it didn't seem to be enough at the moment... "Manuel," he said raggedly, pushing himself up out of the chair and swaying dangerously. "Vision, Manuel... I've got to..." Someone started to scream in the back of his mind and he tottered, nearly falling.

"What the hell are you talking about, Nathan?" Manuel asked with some curiousity, the yelping as he threw his hands out to deflect the large mercenary from falling on him.

"My... my precog," Nathan grated out. More screaming, and he stumbled back away from Manuel, trying to turn towards the door and bat away the flickering lights at the same time. He could feel the vision coming on like a onrushing train, and his equilibrium was doing its best to desert him completely as his awareness was pulled down towards yet another desert battlefield. "Please... call her, call--" But then he was there, screaming at the Canaanite enemy as he threw himself forward, psimitar in one hand, gun in the other--

Manuel watched the mercenary with some confusion. "I'm sorry, say that again? I didn't catch it."

#... Moira... # Nathan called out desperately, but the last of this world was fading out and all that was left was the soldier screaming out her defiance, killing the green-armored men and women around her in a berserk frenzy. It was too overwhelming, and his attempt to hold to his sense of self, to Nathan, failed--

"Who?" asked Manuel, as the name slipped right past him in a rush of noise. There was something he was supposed to do now, he knew that much. But he didn't want to leave Nathan alone, and besides, the bastard was holding out on him. And he couldn't remember what he was supposed to do. No, wait, he did remember. He was supposed to step over Nathan if he fell, and to try to make sure that he didn't hurt himself when he had a vision. Accordingly, Manuel positioned the pillows from his bed at the most likely impact points should Nathan decide to Fall Over and Go Boom.

Someone was shouting "Hold the line!" and she/he shook her/his head, laughing wildly. Why simply hold the line when you could take their ground, make them retreat? She/He rushed forward, screaming profanities at the top of her/his lungs, lashing out with her/his psimitar. If she/he had been thinking more clearly, concentrating on defense, rather than simply offense, she/he would have realized how erratic her/his TK shield was.

But she/he didn't. Not until the plasma bolt took her/him in the chest--

Manuel just looked at the big mercenary, waiting to see what would happen next.

Nathan crumpled like a puppet whose strings had been cut, managing somehow to miss every single one of the pillows.

Manuel watched Nathan fall, then cursed as the big man missed all of his pillows. Curious, he stared at the mercenary (both physically and empathically), waiting for him to get back up and reveal the joke.

He stared in horror as the lack of empathic activity of any kind from Nathan. ~Oh shit. Now what?~ he thought in a panic, his mind awhirl. ~Hide the body? No, he's too heavy to drag ... too obvious.~ he thought.

Wait. Maybe the Scot would know what to do! But - how to let her know? Couldn't reach out empathically, and Manuel had no phone. "Umm, is anyone out in the hall? I could use a hand here - I think Nathan's had another of his episodes, and he's not feeling anything right now..." he called out to any passer-by.

The deafening silence from the hallway told him what he needed to know. Manuel sorted through the papers on his desk messily, looking for a particular number, or the floorplan. Either one would do. He found the phone directory first, and with a semi-apologetic look towards Nathan he stepped over his prone corpse and headed out into the hallway to find a phone.