xp_logs | Burn The Witch || Talking (Reply)

Amanda and Topaz talk about Topaz's latest bout of horrible decision making. And Topaz makes a choice.

The room was empty when Topaz let herself and Amanda in. It was also, she noticed, completely devoid of belongings that weren't hers. Her roommate must have left. Not that beds ever stayed empty long around here.

Topaz looked around for a moment before limping further into the room. Her feet weren't burned too badly - just enough for it to be distinctly uncomfortable. She needed to pack - she really didn't want to stay here anymore - but at that moment all she could do was drop onto the edge of the bed.

She hadn't quite been able to meet Amanda's eye since they'd left the church.

For her part, Amanda wasn't exactly making the first move either. Her disappointment was deep and personal and she wasn't sure she trusted herself to not just turn around and leave Topaz here if she started with the "sullen brat" act. But the condition of her former student's feet provided an outlet of sorts, and she knelt on the floor by the bed, pulling out the small first aid kit she carried with her on missions. "Here," she said quietly. "Let me look at those feet of yours. You don't want them getting infected."

Topaz gnawed on the inside of her lip for a long moment. She wasn't trying to do sullen brat - that just required more energy than she had at the moment. She really just had no idea what to say to Amanda. I'm sorry didn't quite cover the depth of her stupidity. Really it'd serve her right if Amanda did leave her. What was it - three strikes and you're out? Topaz was fairly certain she'd moved past three at this point, but even Amanda's patience had to run out eventually.

Lost as she was, she didn't quite here Amanda at first. "What?" She shook her head, finally focusing and realizing what Amanda. "Oh, I'm..." Good god don't say fine. She let the sentence die and merely leaned over, carefully prying her shoes and socks off. That hurt.

"Easy. You'll rip what's left of the skin off." Amanda's hands were much more gentle than her demeanour, and she carefully peeled off the rest of the socks so she could see the damage. Some serious blisters and the rest of the skin was red and angry-looking, but nothing beyond the first layer of skin, at least. "Stay here a minute," she instructed, before vanishing out of the door and, by the sound of it, into the small kitchen that served the hostel's patrons on that floor. Some banging sounds and then the sound of running water later, she returned with a large pot half-full of cold water. "We're going to soak you a bit, get the inflamation down," she continued, placing the pot on the floor at Topaz's feet. "In you go, as long as you can."

Understandably, Topaz hesitated at the sight of the pot. She knew it was just water, but she also knew it cold water and that was going to hurt like hell. She regarded the pot for a moment before finally lifting her feet and placing them in.

She had been right about the hurting like hell part. To her credit she managed to bite down the noise she wanted to make, instead just letting a small whimper slip off her lips and a harsh exhale escape through her nose. She rocked back, supporting herself on her hands so her feet were still submerged but not pressed against the bottom. And finally she managed to bring herself to look up at Amanda.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. It wasn't nearly adequate enough, as she had originally suspected, but it was only the beginning. And she knew she was going to have to be the one to start this conversation.

Abruptly, Amanda remembered a conversation with Nate, long ago and now in another world that had gone. Sorry doesn't mean anything. But for her, and for Topaz, it did. So she didn't bite back her tears this time, just looked up at her student with filling eyes. "Why?" she asked, voice trembling. "Why'd you do it, Topaz?"

It might've been easier if Amanda had just yelled at her and left her here. Topaz didn't look away, didn't try to avert her eyes as she answered. "Because I just...I had to know. I was gonna wait, I was gonna let you deal with it, but I..." She scrubbed her face, letting out a shaky breath. "I needed to know if Saini was really who I thought he was. And I figured...you were on your way. If I got in trouble...you'd be there."

"I nearly wasn't. At least, not on time." Amanda looked down at Topaz' blistered and reddened feet before looking up again. "And what do you mean, who you thought he was? What didn't you tell me?"

Topaz hesitated for a long moment before reaching across the bed for her bag, digging out her necklace and hooking it around her neck. "I went back to the orphanage when I got here," she explained quietly. "One of the workers remembered me when I told her my name, but she couldn't tell me anythin' I didn't already know - you know, left on their doorstep, no idea who dropped me there, so on. So I decided to start diggin' around a bit, see if I could find out anythin' about myself." She reached for her bag again, this time pulling out an envelope full of newspaper articles she'd printed at various libraries. "And I found this one..." She rifled through for a moment, finding the print out and handing it to Amanda. "A woman named Leela Saini and her daughter Kiah disappeared one night about a month before I was left at the orphanage. And I know it was a bit of a longshot but it was the only thing I really had to go with and it was the only thing I could find that lined up so I went with it."

Amanda took the piece of newsprint, scanning over it with dawning understanding. "And Saini... he's your dad?" she asked, just as quietly. She remembered asking Wanda - her Wanda - to search for her own birth family, and understood the need.

"I mean I don't know for sure obviously." Topaz rifled through the folder, finding another article. A birth announcement for little Kiah Saini. "I can't do a DNA test or anything. But he was the best lead I had and I just...I wanted to know what he was like. I don't care about...knowing him or anythin'. Had the whole dad thing, didn't end well, not interested in repeating the experience. I just want to know where I came from. Not knowin' is - I mean, you know."

"Yeah, I know." Amanda set the newspaper article carefully down on the bed beside Topaz and reached to take the younger girl's hands. "I do get it. I just... Did you have to go haring back in? You nearly died and we were on our way. If you'd waited, we could have done this together, you and me."

Topaz let out a long, unsteady breath. "I wanted to be wrong," she whispered, tears filling her own eyes. "I wanted one bloody thing in this stupid world to just...be okay. I wanted to just be wrong."

Amanda's heart ached. "Oh, kiddo," she said, those two words full of love and heartbreak and sympathy. She rose into a half-crouch, wrapping her arms around the girl seated on the bed and hugging her as tightly as she could.

Topaz returned the hug with everything she was worth, every bit of a strength she had. "I'm sorry," she whispered again, pressing her face into Amanda's shoulder.

"You're going to be the death of me one day, love," Amanda replied, but she said it with a shaky laugh - her usual using a joke to cope with the depth of her feelings. "What do you want to do now?" She had an inkling, but she wanted Topaz to say it, without feeling she had to.

Topaz gave a small, uncertain laugh of her own as she pulled away, wiping her eyes. "Yeah, well. I make your life more interestin', that's somethin'." A bit of a frown pulled her lips at Amanda's question, however, and she looked down at her lap. "I...I think I wanna go home." Her gaze dodged up to meet Amanda's. "If I still have one."

Amanda cupped Topaz's head and pulled her closer to press a kiss on her temple. "Always."