xp_logs | [Doug, Marie] It's so hard to swallow. (Reply)

Marie finds Doug after classes to ask about some lessons in Askani and ends up learning some things about Doug's thoughts that she'd rather she didn't know and, more, she'd rather Angie didn't know. She doesn't take it well, and ends up going for a run, for lack of any other way to escape.

Marie checked her watch and decided to look for Doug in his room since classes were over. With Nathan's approval, she was eager to get going on learning some Askani and if she documented her lessons, there'd be a map for others to follow. She knocked on the partly open door and leaned on the doorframe, waiting for an answer.

Doug sighed and spoke up from where he was laying on his bed, looking at the ceiling, thinking. "It's open."

"Got a minute or two for me?" Marie let herself into his room and took a look at Doug where he lay sprawled on his bed; he looked decidedly perturbed and a little dejected. "Something wrong, honey?"

Doug shrugged. "Sure. I am suffering from an excess of minutes right now. What can I do for you?" ~Welcome to Avoiding the Subject, with your host, Doug Ramsey...~ he thought.

"Mm." Marie came in and put her laptop down on his desk and sat in the chair there, turning it so she could see him. "I'd say tell me what's wrong but I don't think you'd like that much."

Doug flopped his head back on a pillow and resumed staring at the ceiling. "What's wrong? Thoughts that I shouldn't think, about things that'll never happen. Feelings. Complicated situations."

"That explains the look on your face." Marie kicked her heels off and tucked her feet up under her. "I came here to ask you to teach me some Askani - I got Nathan's permission for it - but if you want to talk about what's bothering you, I'd be... it's silly I'm sure, but I'd actually be happy to do that instead. I've missed you lately."

Doug smiled wryly. "I've missed you too, Em." He sighed. "It's...me being stupid."

"Honey, you're rarely stupid. You're just too hard on yourself." Marie tugged at the combs holding her hair back in a neat, tight twist, wincing a little. "If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay, but if I can keep you from wallowing around in self-loathing and all, I'd like to do that." She slipped the combs into her shirt pocket and put her chin in one hand, watching Doug intently.

Doug sighed again. No fronts, no lies, complete honesty between them. That was the promise he had made. "It has to do with the emails that went around yesterday. About the Paige situation." He placed a hand over his eyes.

"What about it?" Marie frowned a little. "Are you having trouble with the idea of what's with her and Jono and Angelo being okay? Because it's okay if you do, it's not exactly a conventional situation."

Doug shook his head. "No, that's not it. Aside from the fact that it's not my place to judge, I want them to be happy, however that is. I mean, I'm not exactly close with Jono, but I want them all to be happy."

Marie nodded, that was the response she'd expected from Doug. "So, what's wrong then, honey?"

Doug chuckled dryly. "Thoughts. Thoughts that don't need to be thought, about things that'll never happen."

"Everyone has those, Doug." Marie got up and moved to sit on the bed so he couldn't avoid looking at her. She touched his cheek gently with a gloved hand. "Don't beat yourself up for them, whatever they are."

Doug smiled self-mockingly. "But I'm _good_ at beating myself up over things. I had a conversation with Angie about it last night. It...didn't go that well."

"Uhoh." Marie wrinkled up her nose in distaste. "About the whole Paige thing?"

Doug nodded. "And the Thoughts That Should Not Be Thought that popped up as a result of it."

Marie thought about this for a moment, biting her lip, before something dawned on her and she gave Doug a startled look. "...oh. Honey... you're not thinking..." She let it trail off, hoping that he wasn't thinking of her in the context of the situation surrounding Paige.

Doug closed his eyes and sighed. "Like I said. Thoughts that should not be thought. About things that will never happen anyway."

"Oh. Honey." Marie put her face in her hands for a moment. "No wonder that conversation didn't go so well."

"Yeah." Doug rolled over onto his side and gazed at the wall. "Hence with the feeling stupid."

"Don't feel stupid, Doug." Marie reached out to rub his shoulder, feeling intensely sad. Another reason to feel uncomfortable socializing with the 'students'. "Just... she'll get over being mad about it. It'll be okay." She reached for her shoes with one foot, dragging them close, figuring that she'd be best to clear off and soon.

Doug sighed, Marie's actions reinforcing how stupid he felt. "I guess. Sorry to...whatever."

"It's not your fault, honey. You feel how you feel." She slipped her feet into her shoes. "Maybe you should talk to her more."

Doug shrugged. "I guess. I'm just a little busy feeling stupid right now." He snorted. "And gee, we've all been so frustrated at Paige for doing it. Whoops."

"Everyone has to work these things out for themselves," Marie said noncommitally, trying to cover the inexplicable knot in her throat. "A little help from friends is a necessity sometimes, though." She stood up and picked her laptop up. "But I'm not the friend to help you with this one. I wish I could be, but I'm not. Not this, maybe not anything for a while. I'm sorry."

Doug screwed his eyes. "Dammit," he muttered brokenly. "Another fine mess I've gotten myself into, to butcher a Laurel and Hardy quote."

"Go talk to her," Marie said quietly. "She loves you. That's hardly a mess. I'll see you later, Doug. The Askani thing can wait; indefinitely if it needs to." She let herself out and closed the door part-way behind her, leaving it as she'd found it.

You're being childish, she told herself harshly. In her room, behind her closed door, Marie pulled off her shoes and threw them at the bed, trying to ignore the hot tears running down her face. You're not the one whose boyfriend's thinking of someone else. She tore off her clothes, careless of buttons popping and clips snapping in her haste. Her nails left red welts where they raked her skin as she stripped, wishing it were her skin and not fabric peeling away.

I wish I could disappear. She'd thrown away her emergency kit. Instead, she yanked running clothes on, pulling her shoes on over her bare feet. I can't run away. I can just... run.

Marie ran downstairs, brushing past people, ignoring their faces, and then she was out the back door, her feet hitting the spongy cinder path hard. How far can I go, she wondered, how long? How fast? She was faster than she'd ever been these days and she ran hard enough that the speed stole her breath and made her chest ache. At every branch and intersection, she picked a direction at random and just /ran/, and the tears dried on her cheeks as fast as they fell.