xp_logs | Angelo and Nathan, Friday afternoon (Reply)

Angelo stops by to see Nathan and talk about what was behind the post he made on the subject of feeling unwelcome. Nathan has advice, but is perhaps just a little impatient with the whole thing.

In the first "study period" he got, Angelo made his way along to Moira's rooms. Nate had said he could go to talk to him, and he really needed too at that particular moment. Arriving at the door, he knocked quietly, as a matter of courtesy, though he knew it might not be necessary.

Nathan's eyes snapped open as he heard the knock, and for a moment the bedroom ceiling overlapped with a smoke-choked desert sky. "Shit," he muttered, rubbing at his eyes for a moment. His vision cleared and he sat up slowly and slid off the bed, wincing at the light-headedness. Moving out into the living room, he sensed the presence on the other side of the door and smiled tiredly. "Come in, Angelo," he called as he slumped down into the armchair.

Angelo pushed open the door and walked into the room, with a tentative smile of greeting. "Hey. This a good time?"

"As good as any," Nathan said, holding the smile on with some effort. "Sit down?" he offered, gesturing at the chair across from him.

Angelo nodded, moving further into the room and dropping into the chair. "How's it goin'?"

Nathan shrugged, inwardly working to distance himself from the remnants of that last vision. His mental 'mirror' was going dark, he told himself, so it was fading. Almost gone. "Fine," he said as lightly as he could, rubbing at his eyes again. "I'd ask you the same question, but I think I've got an idea as to the answer already."

Angelo shrugged awkwardly. "Yeah... 's not been a great couple of days."

"Yeah." Nathan tilted his head, regarding the young man intently, forcing himself to focus on Angelo and not what was still flickering in his mental mirror. "What brought that on?" he asked. "Your post, I mean. Did someone say something to you?"

"Not as such", Angelo answered quietly. "It's just... goin' home, an' some things Sarah said an' had said to her..."

Nathan frowned. "What about Sarah?"

Angelo shrugged again, miserably. "Me an' her, we're a lot alike. An' it wouldn't be the first time I've felt what she was sayin', about not belongin' here, but when she said it this time, Mr. Marko more or less told her to get gone."

"Angelo..." Nathan's eyes narrowed a little as Angelo's unhappy thoughts washed against his shields. "Do you really care what Marko thinks?" he asked, keeping his voice even, calm. "Does his opinion matter to you?"

"He's staff", Angelo replied. "'f his opinion got bad enough, I don't know how much influence he's got. So, yeah. It might."

Nathan considered the answer for a moment, weighing his words carefully. "Tell me," he said finally in that same even voice. "Did you actually do something horrible that you've somehow managed to keep a secret from all the telepaths in this house, and that's why you're so worried about being kicked out of here?"

"From what I've heard, the telepaths here don't work like that, mostly. An' I've done some pretty bad stuff, but it's not about that. It's probably stupid, but I can't quite get it out of my head that this isn't gonna end one of these times I screw up."

Nathan leaned back in his chair, regarding Angelo with a mixture of exasperation and sympathy. "Why, Angelo?" he asked. This was clearly not the time for platitudes. "Why are you so afraid of that?"

Angelo shrugged, head down. "I don't even know, that's the dumb part. Most people here've been more than great... but then, the guys back home were family, once."

"And they turned on you," Nathan said. "Do you really think that the people here are liable to do that?"

"'Course not", Angelo answered. "It's not about what I think they'll do. It's... it's not about anythin' I think..." He trailed off, lacking the words.

"It's about what you feel," Nathan said, finishing Angelo's sentence for him. He smiled a bit thinly. "I understand, you know. I do," he said. "A lot of the things I've been feeling since I got here - hell, a number of the things I've been doing, too - haven't been at all rational. Emotions aren't supposed to be." He leaned forward in his chair, his eyes not budging from Angelo's face. "But you also don't have to let them be in the driver's seat 24/7." He tapped his temple with a finger. "That logical part of you? The one that knows these people aren't liable to turn on you? It's got a voice too, Angelo. It may not be as loud as the one all your old fears have, but that might be because you're focusing on one and not the other."

Angelo nodded. "I know. An' I'm tryin' to bring the logical part forward. Helps me fight down the part that wants me to run before they kick me out."

"So if you know that, if you're trying to let the logical side of you win, why the post?" Nathan shook his head as soon as the question came out of his mouth. "No, don't answer that. Answer this one, instead: how do you think that post made other people feel? Your fellow students, I mean."

"The post... was 'cause it wasn't winnin' right then. An' 'cause everyone keeps tellin' me when I'm havin' a bad time, I should tell someone - an' nobody was around right then." He sighed and bowed his head. "An'... yeah. Didn't mean for all that to happen. 'm just not too good at sayin' what I really mean - I wasn't sayin' I was goin' to leave, not like Sarah was."

"No," Nathan said, eyeing him speculatively. "You just offered to give up your freedom to choose."

Angelo didn't look up. "I meant what I said. But... I want to say I was hopin' for the response I got from Clarice, an' from Paige, an' the logical part was... but if I'd got the other one from anyone, in as many words, I could've stopped wonderin'... I don't want to leave, that's not gonna change... but it was the fear talkin', I think. Mostly."

"There are no guarantees in life, Angelo," Nathan said quietly. "You're always going to wonder. You've always going to have doubts, be afraid. But if you let them take over... well, you're not going to have much of a life. It's that simple."

Angelo nodded. "I used to be so sure of things", he said equally quietly. "I was. But it was all wrong. I just want things to be simple again..."

Nathan couldn't help a bleak laugh. "Don't we all."

Angelo glanced up. "Yeah", he answered flatly. "I guess so. The fear wants me to cut out an' run, go someplace where I won't have t'think about all this. But it wouldn't be a good place."

"I ran," Nathan said after a moment. "I ran for... seven years, I suppose. But the not-thinking never worked." He met Angelo's eyes as levelly as he could. "Every time I slowed down for a minute, it caught up with me. And here, now that I've finally stopped, it's all come crashing down on me. It all gets much worse when you put off dealing with it, Angelo. Trust me."

"That's what Marie says. She says I've been havin' more rough days lately because I've got time an' space to think about stuff - for a good month or two after my manifestation, I was too busy survivin'."

"Marie generally makes good sense, I've noticed," Nathan said a bit wryly. "Just... try not to overthink stuff, okay? You need to find the middle ground, between thinking too much and feeling too much." His conscience held up a sign reading 'Hypocrite!' in big block letters, but he ignored it. 'Do as I say and not as I do' was always a bad thing, but he was trying. "We all do. That's the trick."

Angelo's mouth twisted wryly. "Not as easy as it sounds."

"No," Nathan said drolly, "but it still needs to be done."

"Yeah", Angelo acknowledged. "I know. Need some more stuff t'do, I think."

"The trip'll be a good start," Nathan said. "Even if it does raise a whole host of other issues."

Angelo nodded. "Yeah. Might wrap a few things up, if I'm lucky." He sighed. "So, what's been goin' on with you?"