Kurt and Topaz: Stubborn vs. Stubborn

[xp_topaz]

Kurt takes a turn with trying to get Topaz to talk. He is... minimally more successful than his sister. A little.

Warning: Talk of self-harm.



Topaz was lying on the couch, her eyes closed, but not sleeping. The news was still on, now reporting they suspected there had been several murders. With the amount of blood and gore, it probably looked like several dozen. Topaz hadn't taken the time to look around. She didn't want to know.

A light knock at the door interrupted her reverie, and Topaz blew a long breath out of her nose. There was only one person who knocked. "Go away Kurt," she called without opening her eyes.

The next thing she knew, there was a cloud of brimstone in her room.

"Not until I have seen you. I was being polite."

Of course he wouldn't make it easy. "Well, you've seen me," Topaz said, sitting up and spreading her arms. "Here, alive, unharmed, still taking up space. Check, check, check, and check. We good?"

"No." He was studying her carefully. "You... are not taking up space."

"Right." Topaz stood, heading for the kitchen. Midnight immediately bolted off the back of the couch, meowing loudly, and Topaz occupied herself with feeding her. "Talked to Amanda, I suppose?"

"Of course." He didn't follow her. "She is doing better, by the way."

Topaz paused, staring down at her cat. She wasn't heartless. And the image of Amanda on that spike of energy would haunt her for a very long time. Then again it never would have happened if Topaz could take care of herself. One more thing on her shoulders. "Good," she said quietly after a long moment. "I'm glad."

That was something hopeful, he thought.

"You know you were missed, when you were gone."

"Yeah, I saw the posts." She immediately went right back to her hard tone. "Caused a whole lot of trouble for nothing, as usual."

"Nobody but you sees it that way", he said quietly. "You did not ask for - whatever happened."

Topaz bit down a snort. "Please, it's not like I can't guess Amanda told you everything. Don't you lot have to write reports when someone gets in trouble for the umpteenth time and needs to be rescued?"

"There are reports. But we do not count it like that, unless someone goes out looking for trouble for themselves."

"Right." Topaz turned to get a drink, just to occupy herself if anything. "Like it's hard to scroll down to T and see my name... how many times now?"

"Topaz, listen to me." He wasn't giving up on this. "We do not blame you for trouble finding you."

"And?" Topaz filled her glass with water and immediately turned back to Kurt. "Let's pretend for a minute that I don't find the trouble half the time myself, it doesn't really change anything."

"Except that for those we love", and he was absolutely including her in that, "little matters if they are not safe."

"That must get tiring after a while," Topaz said, ignoring the first part. "Having to bail the same people out of the same trouble over and over."

"Others have done the same for me", Kurt pointed out gently. "And never complained."

"At least you're actually good for something." The self-loathing ran deep in those words.

"And you are not?" He was honestly puzzled by how she could think that.

Topaz considered that for a moment. "Maybe as live bait," she finally ceded. "Why not, everyone else has used me."

"What about those here who do not want you only for your uses?"

"Are there any of those?" She hadn't meant to let that thought slip out. But it was there now, and she couldn't take it back. Instead, she looked away.

"Topaz." His voice ached. "When have I ever asked anything of you? When has Amanda, beyond a little help with teaching?"

Topaz couldn't answer that, of course. Because the answer was that they had never. She bit down her very first response, which was that there was a first time for everything. That was unnecessarily cruel. She didn't want to hurt Kurt. She hadn't wanted to hurt Amanda. They were bystanders in her problems. "I told you to go away," was what she finally said, very quietly.

"You did. And for now, I may. But I will not give up on you, Topaz."

He was leaning against the wall by the door.

"Yeah." He would eventually. Amanda probably already had. "Okay."

"When you are ready", or even if she wasn't, in time, "there will be something I want to show you. To tell you."

That finally got Topaz to carefully look at him again. "Okay?" Now she sounded confused. "Let me know when, I guess."

"If you are ready to listen, it could be now."

He wandered over to perch on the couch arm.

It was frankly amazing, Topaz thought, what Kurt could do with a few words. She didn't move to the couch, though. Instead, she leaned against the counter and nodded once, her eyes falling to the floor.

"A moment." And he was gone again, but only for a few minutes, coming back with a handful of photos. "These are what I would like you to see."

Topaz hadn't moved in the time he was gone. Now she hesitated, shoulders hunched, before carefully approaching him.

They were clearly old, the corners dog-eared from handling.

"These were taken ten years ago or more."

They were all of him, bare to the waist, either in the gym or the medlab. All clearly showed scars, and not from any accident.

Topaz didn't give any indication of her thoughts as she scanned the photos over, keeping her distance as much as she could. "What happened?" She finally asked.

"I did", he said simply. "Starting from the age of eighteen, I cut those marks into my own flesh."

A light frown creased her lips, and she finally looked up. "Why?" That was probably rude. But he was showing her these for a reason, even if she couldn't figure out what.

"Because there were a number of things I considered to be my fault." He met her eyes. "Our loss of Amanda. My father's death. Other things. Because I was different."

Topaz held his gaze. "But you stopped." It wasn't a question.

"Eventually." He studied his hands. "There was an accident. I was badly injured. Amanda healed me, and as a side effect, she took the scars too. I almost began to put them back... but then I did not."

"Why?" It was the obvious question.

"Because perhaps I had forgiven myself." He looked up again to meet her eyes steadily. "Or come to see there was never anything to forgive in the first place."

Not very subtle. Topaz took a step back. "Yeah. Those things were out of your control."

"But even so. It took me a very long time to understand that, and until I did, I punished myself."

Her things had been out of her control too, really.

She did, though. She could have fought harder to stop Taboo before this got out of control. She never should have trusted him. She should have fought the Destines. She should have fought Taboo. She should have taken care of herself instead of waiting for Amanda to come. But she always had to wait for Amanda. "I'm not punishing myself," was what she finally settled for saying.

"Are you not?" It was quiet and edged with sadness. "Not in the same way, perhaps."

"I'm not." Her words, on the other hand, were hard and bitter. "There's a difference between punishing and accepting reality."

He shook his head. "The reality I see is not the same as it seems to you."

"You always see the best in people." That had been obvious, right from the beginning. If there was good in someone, Kurt Sefton would find it. "That doesn't make the bad go away."

"No, it does not." He'd learned that the hard way. "But neither does it mean the good is not really there."

That was what she had thought about Taboo, when all of this had started. That there was still good in him, that he at least still loved her. The thought shook her to the core, and she was sure it showed on her face. She was too tired for pretenses. "And how do you know the difference?"

"I suppose eventually, you must decide which you believe outweighs the other. And that will be different every time. I still believe there is some small piece of good in... in my mother. But it is outweighed."

So at what point was everyone just going to realize Topaz's uselessness outweighed whatever little good she did? "And when the opinion differs?"

"Then I will hold to my opinion, and try to bring you to share it", he said quietly. "Because I am not so easily put off."

"I've noticed." The words weren't bitter or cruel. More like Topaz was giving up. She wasn't going to win an argument with Kurt. "Tell Amanda I'm glad she's feeling better," she said instead, backing off and turning to go back to the kitchen and get her drink. "That was a rough fight for everyone."

"I will", he promised. "And I will come to see you again soon."

Whether she liked it or not.

"I'm sure you will," Topaz said quietly, focusing on her drink. "I'm not going to lock myself in here forever, don't worry. I just need a few days."

"All right", he agreed. He could allow her that much.

"All right."