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xp_logsGabriel and Illyana have a heart-to-heart and talk about childhood trauma without actually talking about childhood trauma. Or having much of a heart-to-heart.
He'd been watching her since they arrived, but Gabriel had been trying to keep his distance from Illyana. Their journey was enough to deal with, and she'd had quite the burden put on her shoulders, leading their loose confederacy through a world that only she understood. To the extent that it seemed comprehensible.
But they weren't walking anymore, and he felt like he needed to say something to her. Something comforting, hopefully, because he'd always had a soft spot for Illyana, little weirdo that he was. A part of him felt that he understood something about her, and it wasn't until they'd arrived in Limbo that he finally figured out just what it it was.
The fire was lit, and Illyana was nearby it. So he found his way toward it, withdrawing a pack of cigarettes that had conveniently made the jump between worlds. He didn't look at her as he sat, saying nothing as he slid a cigarette out of the box and swiped it against the fire. He held it in front of him, staring at the glow before finally glancing at Illyana.
"So."
Illyana looked up at Gabriel from behind her knees; she had heard him nearby, not able to let herself doze off yet, but hadn't expected any company. Partially, this was because of the grudging sense of guilt that had settled uncomfortably in her throat when they'd figured out exactly what had happened. Partly, though, having this many people around in Limbo was wrong, shifting her entire memory of the place sideways; like they had travelled in time as well, but not far enough to do any good. Almost an intrusion.
"Yeah," she said, a little warily, watching him, and then shrugged, looking down again.
When she broke their eye contact, Gabriel decided it was time for a puff of his cigarette. He drew out the inhale and exhale in the hopes that it might help him steady himself. "I'm not sure whether to be more sad that you experienced this," he said slowly after a prolonged silence, "or more impressed that you survived it."
She looked back up at him, transparently surprised. Whatever she'd been expecting, it hadn't been that. It took her another few beats of silence, the fire crackling, before she found words. "I don't know," she said, lifting one shoulder again, this time at the cave, the fire, the general oppressive feeling in the air. Not quite a denial, but close enough. "I still ended up back here, in the end." With more people to lose, she didn't say, because it was so obvious, and because she couldn't bring herself to.
It occurred to Gabriel that if he were a different person — if either of them were different people, really — this would have been his cue to give Illyana a hug. Instead, he shrugged and stared blankly at the fire, considering that. "Yeah," he finally said, articulate as always. He took another drag. "You're stronger this time, though," he added after another quiet moment. "Smarter, too. Not that it makes any easier, I know."
"Stronger, maybe. If I was smarter - " She stopped, shaking her head, and reached up to push her hair behind her shoulders. The chain around her neck glinted in the firelight, and she pulled the necklace out to hold the locket. "I got comfortable. It was easy, you know? To just go to stupid school and watch TV and eat all that food - whatever. I was here for so long, but I always just wanted to forget it. Wanda was there." She let the pendant drop, no longer a secret, just a careworn burden. Her voice was thin but flat, an admission of guilt rather than a request for comfort. "I knew I couldn't get away from it. It's already so close, and now there are more people here, and - I should have been doing something."
"You were doing something," Gabriel frowned and shook his head. "Trying to be normal is something. It's — I mean, shit, it takes so much energy just to exist." His eyes went to her jewelry, and his frown became more neutral. "You can't give yourself a hard time for just living. You didn't — I mean, I'm just guessing here, but you don't get to be carefree in a place like this. Not when you grow up like that."
She twisted the chain between her fingers, back and forth, and looked at the wavery shadows from the fire, and her mouth quirked unhappily. "Maybe it's something," she said, "But it's not much, either."
"No," he conceded, "I guess not." He flicked ash into the fire and watched the flames dance for a while, as if they held some instructions for what to say next. He suddenly looked over at her. "Remember that time we met? When you asked me for drugs?" He smiled a little, an expression incongruous with their circumstances. "There was something about you then. I didn't know what it was." He shrugged. "I think maybe it's that vibe you get when you've been through some shit."
Dense though she could be, Illyana caught that, looking up sharply and meeting his eyes, just for moment. "I was just mad I couldn't find a drug dealer," she said, which was true, and had the virtue of not being - anything else.
"Maybe." Gabriel kept his eyes on her. As if, after the day they had, an angry teenager would be the thing that would finally make him flinch. "I didn't mean anything by it," he added. "Just that I know that vibe, and it sucks."
Oh. She relaxed, minutely, her expression not so much softening as turning back inward, and said on an exhale, "Yeah."
"It gets easier," he said. Gabriel was fully aware how trite that sounded, but he meant it, and he hoped his conviction came through. "I mean, I guess. I mean, it does and it doesn't. I dunno."
He shrugged before taking another drag. "I sucked someone into my past once," he said after an exhale. "An accident, but not so literal as this." He couldn't help but look a little wistful; that experience with Quentin and Jean-Paul and Wanda almost felt simple compared to this.
"It sucks," Illyana said, leaning forward against her knees again. "Everyone just marching around in it." She paused, and then, striving to be fair, added, "And probably dying or being corrupted into demons, I guess."
"Well, there's that," Gabriel acknowledged. "Your personal hell's pretty fucking literal." He punctuated this with another puff, then kicked his legs out in front of him. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that," he said after a second, because he wasn't sure if he had yet, and it needed to be said. "Being a kid and having your childhood... ripped away from you like that. I can't even imagine."
"It wasn't so bad," Illyana said, then snorted, shaking her head. "I mean, it was still, you know. Limbo. I just wasn't alone, until the end. That was -- " She didn't have words for that, beyond cold and dark. Neither of which really captured the remembered feeling of helpless terror she still carried with her, always at the back of her mind. "That wasn't great."
"I bet not," Gabriel said quietly. If they were two different people, he might have tried to put his arm around her shoulder; to give her some kind of physical comfort. But he knew that wasn't something she'd want, and it wasn't his way either. "That was always — well, I was going to say it was the worst part," he said, but "maybe not. "It's just, there were always these moments when I'd be left with myself, and I'd realize how shitty everything was."
It was a downer of a thing to say, especially given that he didn't really think he could explain it all to her in a way that would make sense. And he wasn't sure he was ready to reveal himself to her yet; not here, especially. "You know you're not alone now, right? I mean, that's so afterschool special, I know, but..."
Illyana cast a glance around them; all of these people, fragile and breakable, who could die here in anonymity the way Wanda had. She exhaled. "Yeah," she said. "I know."
“Okay. Good..” He sensed she was still a little tense. It seemed dumb to push it forward. “When we get back after all this, you know, I’m, like... around.” Gabriel shrugged. “I mean, you know.”
"Sure," Illyana said, a little vaguely; the concept of a future after this had narrowed in her head to near-invisible, and she couldn't quite imagine what she would do with someone around there anyway. "Anyway, I should check on Rahne or something."
He'd been watching her since they arrived, but Gabriel had been trying to keep his distance from Illyana. Their journey was enough to deal with, and she'd had quite the burden put on her shoulders, leading their loose confederacy through a world that only she understood. To the extent that it seemed comprehensible.
But they weren't walking anymore, and he felt like he needed to say something to her. Something comforting, hopefully, because he'd always had a soft spot for Illyana, little weirdo that he was. A part of him felt that he understood something about her, and it wasn't until they'd arrived in Limbo that he finally figured out just what it it was.
The fire was lit, and Illyana was nearby it. So he found his way toward it, withdrawing a pack of cigarettes that had conveniently made the jump between worlds. He didn't look at her as he sat, saying nothing as he slid a cigarette out of the box and swiped it against the fire. He held it in front of him, staring at the glow before finally glancing at Illyana.
"So."
Illyana looked up at Gabriel from behind her knees; she had heard him nearby, not able to let herself doze off yet, but hadn't expected any company. Partially, this was because of the grudging sense of guilt that had settled uncomfortably in her throat when they'd figured out exactly what had happened. Partly, though, having this many people around in Limbo was wrong, shifting her entire memory of the place sideways; like they had travelled in time as well, but not far enough to do any good. Almost an intrusion.
"Yeah," she said, a little warily, watching him, and then shrugged, looking down again.
When she broke their eye contact, Gabriel decided it was time for a puff of his cigarette. He drew out the inhale and exhale in the hopes that it might help him steady himself. "I'm not sure whether to be more sad that you experienced this," he said slowly after a prolonged silence, "or more impressed that you survived it."
She looked back up at him, transparently surprised. Whatever she'd been expecting, it hadn't been that. It took her another few beats of silence, the fire crackling, before she found words. "I don't know," she said, lifting one shoulder again, this time at the cave, the fire, the general oppressive feeling in the air. Not quite a denial, but close enough. "I still ended up back here, in the end." With more people to lose, she didn't say, because it was so obvious, and because she couldn't bring herself to.
It occurred to Gabriel that if he were a different person — if either of them were different people, really — this would have been his cue to give Illyana a hug. Instead, he shrugged and stared blankly at the fire, considering that. "Yeah," he finally said, articulate as always. He took another drag. "You're stronger this time, though," he added after another quiet moment. "Smarter, too. Not that it makes any easier, I know."
"Stronger, maybe. If I was smarter - " She stopped, shaking her head, and reached up to push her hair behind her shoulders. The chain around her neck glinted in the firelight, and she pulled the necklace out to hold the locket. "I got comfortable. It was easy, you know? To just go to stupid school and watch TV and eat all that food - whatever. I was here for so long, but I always just wanted to forget it. Wanda was there." She let the pendant drop, no longer a secret, just a careworn burden. Her voice was thin but flat, an admission of guilt rather than a request for comfort. "I knew I couldn't get away from it. It's already so close, and now there are more people here, and - I should have been doing something."
"You were doing something," Gabriel frowned and shook his head. "Trying to be normal is something. It's — I mean, shit, it takes so much energy just to exist." His eyes went to her jewelry, and his frown became more neutral. "You can't give yourself a hard time for just living. You didn't — I mean, I'm just guessing here, but you don't get to be carefree in a place like this. Not when you grow up like that."
She twisted the chain between her fingers, back and forth, and looked at the wavery shadows from the fire, and her mouth quirked unhappily. "Maybe it's something," she said, "But it's not much, either."
"No," he conceded, "I guess not." He flicked ash into the fire and watched the flames dance for a while, as if they held some instructions for what to say next. He suddenly looked over at her. "Remember that time we met? When you asked me for drugs?" He smiled a little, an expression incongruous with their circumstances. "There was something about you then. I didn't know what it was." He shrugged. "I think maybe it's that vibe you get when you've been through some shit."
Dense though she could be, Illyana caught that, looking up sharply and meeting his eyes, just for moment. "I was just mad I couldn't find a drug dealer," she said, which was true, and had the virtue of not being - anything else.
"Maybe." Gabriel kept his eyes on her. As if, after the day they had, an angry teenager would be the thing that would finally make him flinch. "I didn't mean anything by it," he added. "Just that I know that vibe, and it sucks."
Oh. She relaxed, minutely, her expression not so much softening as turning back inward, and said on an exhale, "Yeah."
"It gets easier," he said. Gabriel was fully aware how trite that sounded, but he meant it, and he hoped his conviction came through. "I mean, I guess. I mean, it does and it doesn't. I dunno."
He shrugged before taking another drag. "I sucked someone into my past once," he said after an exhale. "An accident, but not so literal as this." He couldn't help but look a little wistful; that experience with Quentin and Jean-Paul and Wanda almost felt simple compared to this.
"It sucks," Illyana said, leaning forward against her knees again. "Everyone just marching around in it." She paused, and then, striving to be fair, added, "And probably dying or being corrupted into demons, I guess."
"Well, there's that," Gabriel acknowledged. "Your personal hell's pretty fucking literal." He punctuated this with another puff, then kicked his legs out in front of him. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that," he said after a second, because he wasn't sure if he had yet, and it needed to be said. "Being a kid and having your childhood... ripped away from you like that. I can't even imagine."
"It wasn't so bad," Illyana said, then snorted, shaking her head. "I mean, it was still, you know. Limbo. I just wasn't alone, until the end. That was -- " She didn't have words for that, beyond cold and dark. Neither of which really captured the remembered feeling of helpless terror she still carried with her, always at the back of her mind. "That wasn't great."
"I bet not," Gabriel said quietly. If they were two different people, he might have tried to put his arm around her shoulder; to give her some kind of physical comfort. But he knew that wasn't something she'd want, and it wasn't his way either. "That was always — well, I was going to say it was the worst part," he said, but "maybe not. "It's just, there were always these moments when I'd be left with myself, and I'd realize how shitty everything was."
It was a downer of a thing to say, especially given that he didn't really think he could explain it all to her in a way that would make sense. And he wasn't sure he was ready to reveal himself to her yet; not here, especially. "You know you're not alone now, right? I mean, that's so afterschool special, I know, but..."
Illyana cast a glance around them; all of these people, fragile and breakable, who could die here in anonymity the way Wanda had. She exhaled. "Yeah," she said. "I know."
“Okay. Good..” He sensed she was still a little tense. It seemed dumb to push it forward. “When we get back after all this, you know, I’m, like... around.” Gabriel shrugged. “I mean, you know.”
"Sure," Illyana said, a little vaguely; the concept of a future after this had narrowed in her head to near-invisible, and she couldn't quite imagine what she would do with someone around there anyway. "Anyway, I should check on Rahne or something."
