Hope and Topaz || Catching Up

[xp_topaz]

One week (and some change) on, Topaz isn't coping well. Hope knows her too well.

Warning: Brief mention of suicide



Music was good.

Topaz didn't do well with absolute silence. She had figured that out when she had jerked out of a nightmare at three a.m. the other night and immediately started panicking when she saw how dark and quiet it was. She had immediately put music on her phone and spent the rest of the night petting Midnight.

Now she was lying on the couch, staring blankly at the wall, earbuds secured in her ears, Midnight sleeping on her chest. She hadn't moved in a couple of hours.

Useless, the vicious whisper in the back of her head hissed. Pathetic. Should've killed yourself.

Topaz grimaced, squeezing her eyes shut. "Shut up," she mumbled, turning the music up louder. She missed the knock at the door.

Hope frowned when she didn't hear any reply. When a second reply didn't bring any reaction either, she grabbed the door handle and pushed down. "Topaz? You there?" She was surprised as the door swung open without any issues.

Sixth sense - or empathy, more likely - kicked in, and Topaz immediately knew she wasn't alone. Her eyes snapped open and she bolted up, sending her yowling cat running for her tree. "Hope!" She yanked her ear buds out with such force it hurt, hoping her friend couldn't hear how painfully loud the music was. "Hey. How are you? No more weird stuff?"

"I have a clean bill of health. Nothing to worry about." Hope smiled sadly. "I was a lot more worried about you though. I figured I'd come check on you and bring you this." She held up two packages of Oreo's.

A small, slightly weird smile pulled at Topaz' lips as well. It didn't quite reach her eyes. "A girl after my own heart," she teased weakly, pushing herself up fully. "Tea?" She very carefully avoided any allusion to her own status.

"Sounds good to me." Hope took a seat on the couch, eyeing Midnight on her tree. "Your cat is looking like she wants to skin me though."

"She always looks like that. Bit cross with me at the moment anyways, upsetting her sleep probably didn't help." Topaz busied herself in the kitchen, getting the kettle on the stove and trying to find a couple of clean tea mugs. When was the last time she had done dishes? She could have at least run the dishwasher before she walked off to die- she shook the thought off, finally locating a couple mugs. "How's everyone else? Been a bit out of touch."

"Everyone is out of the medlab... some are still a little more upset then the others." Hope replied after a moment of thought. "But everyone should be okay in the end if the doctors are right."

There was a slight tremble in Topaz' hands, and she had to take a deep breath and steady herself before she felt okay to speak again. "Good. I'm sure Amanda or one of the others checked them out as well. No more curse, no more problems."

"She was very thorough." She reassured Topaz. "Did you check out okay too? By the docs and by Amanda?"

"Yup. All good." That wasn't entirely true - the doctors had managed to come up with several concerns for her physical and mental well-being, but Topaz was ignoring that.

"Good to hear." Hope couldn't quite hide the disbelief in her voice. "Everyone kept the library intact, you know. Some people threatened scary things if a book was out of place once you came back. I think even Quentin behaved."

Topaz couldn't stop the small laugh that slipped off her lips. "Yeah. That library's my legacy." Once you came back, the voice mocked Hope's words. You don't even know how to die right. They all know they're stuck with you. She was starting to shake. No. Jesus Christ no, she couldn't do this in front of Hope. She'd already caused her, and everyone else, more than enough trouble.

Hope's eyes narrowed as she rose from the couch and headed over to her friend. "Topaz? Hey, everything will be okay." Gently she rested one hand on her shoulder.

The gentle touch jerked Topaz back to reality, and she realized there were tears in her eyes. Damn it. She wiped them away with her sleeve, shuffling to the side as if to step away from Hope's hand, but she didn't actually I moved. "I wasn't supposed to come back," she whispered.

"Why?"

Topaz nearly laughed again. It ended up being more of a small, almost hysterical noise. "Because all of this was my damn fault," she said, finally pulling away from Hope properly. "Because eleven people almost died over my problems. Because the entire fucking mansion was dragged into this mess and it never should've been. Because..." Because she was useless, and this was the only thing she had been able to do. Because dying for them was all she could do, and she hadn't even managed that properly. The words were stuck in her throat, however, and she realized her breathing was climbing higher, toward hyperventilating.

Hope closed her eyes, just taking a moment to smooth out her own emotions and trying to project a sense of calm. Then she reached out again and took Topaz' hand. "Come, let's go sit down on the couch for a moment." Guiding her to the couch she took both of Topaz' hands in her own, still focusing on that thin sense of calm that she had pulled together.

Topaz tried to focus on the calm, tried to collect herself. She collapsed onto the couch, curling slightly into herself. "Sorry," she managed to whisper, arms tight around herself.

"No saying sorry. Do you think you can take a few slow deep breaths for me?"

Topaz nodded slowly, taking a shaky breath, then another. "Yeah. I'm... I'll live." Unfortunately.

"Let me finish getting the tea together. That might do you a little bit of good." Hope moved towards the kitchenette, keeping an eye out from the corner of her sight as she puttered around to find some tea and pouring the hot water over them.

Topaz' eyes moved to the floor as the shaking slowed. "Sorry," she said again, the word heavier this time. She was sorry Hope had gotten mixed up in this mess. She was sorry she had worried anyone. She was sorry she had come back just to be a burden on everyone. She was sorry she couldn't keep it together for one conversation.

"It's okay." was all Hope said, before handing over a mug with some kind of soothing herbal tea. "Are you talking to someone, Topaz?" She asked quietly. "I know I needed it after Ksavia, even though that was a bit different."

Topaz took the tea mug, staring at the contents without really seeing the liquid. "You really think anyone's going to let me get away with not talking to the professor?" The joking tone was weak. "Twice weakly Skype calls. More if he thinks I need them."

"Honestly, I am surprised they did not draft Clarice to get you to Muir or to get the professor here. Or doctor Voght." Hope replied frankly. "Skype to skype cannot be as good as face to face so speak."

"It's not that bad," Topaz muttered. Except it was, and she knew it. The weak facade of still holding a thread of sanity was the only thing standing between her and a long stay at Muir, length TBD.

"Uh huh." That was the only response Hope could come up with to that.

"I've got my twice a week or more Skype sessions" Topaz said, sipping the tea. It was still scalding hot, but it felt good. " Trust me, it's more than enough."

Hope took that in for a long moment. "How about just a friend, Topaz? Sounds like you have room for that to me."

Topaz looked down at her tea, tracing her finger around the rim. "Do I still have those?" She finally asked quietly. She was sure by now word had gotten around the mansion that all of this had been her fault. And no matter what anyone said, it was her fault. She wouldn't blame people for hating her.

"You have one here."

Dark, empty eyes looked up to meet Hope's gaze. There was no sign of a lie in her head or in her expression. Topaz clutched her tea a bit tighter, nodding slowly. "Thanks." It was such a stupid thing to say. It was all she could think to say.

She was not sure what else to say, so she moved closer and after a moment of hesitation Hope pulled in a strong hug, ignoring how her friend stiffened up and tried to project how she felt about Topaz and what else that had happened.

Topaz was still for a long moment before she slowly set the tea on the coffee table, leaning into the hug. Another moment, and she allowed herself to move her arms, nearly clinging to Hope. Hope had already seen her at worse, after all. What was one more meltdown between friends?