Kevin & Darcy | Bitters
Dec. 3rd, 2022 11:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsKevin asks Darcy to take him somewhere that skews a bit younger than his normal haunts, which turns into a drunken deep dive on relationship thoughts. Regrets (and hangovers) are for mornings.
When Kevin had mentioned drinks, Darcy decided she knew just the place to introduce him to and planned their outing accordingly. Low-key but good sips, small things to nibble on but not the usual heavy pub or sports bar fare. Comfortable seating, not too loud, great for quiet conversation and good company. She knocked on the door to his suite, brushing past him and taking in his outfit. "Less Wall Street, more scruffy professor, please. Surely you've got a good cardigan or patch elbow blazer somewhere in that closet of yours," she teased. "Ditch the tie, open your top button."
"I have both. And I don't always wear a tie." Kevin said, watching her with a puzzled expression as she dug into his less significant closet of male clothes. "Where are we going? Do I need to redo my hair? Is this a place that looks like they have those little bullshit jukeboxes but the only song they have is 'Greased Lightning' like it is a fifties song?"
"Absolutely not, you'd spend the whole time pointing out the historical inaccuracies. Admittedly entertaining, but not the vibe I want tonight."
Her fingers rubbed over the ribbing in one of his cardigans, taking in the texture and the smoothness of the yarn. "I want to say this one, but it also makes me want to rub my face on it, so maybe not. I'm already going to have to beat folks off of you with a stick," she mused, turning her eyes to the blazer a few hangers over and then back to the cardigan. "Worth it," she muttered to herself, carefully slipping it off the hanger and holding it out. "Bitters does cocktails and coffees, plus a few small plates and dessert offerings. Comfortable seats, decent lighting, amusing bartenders and staff. I think you'll like it, even though it's not your usual sort of dark woods, heavy leather, cigars as old as time joint."
"So you are complaining about my old man bars?" Kevin said with a raised eyebrow. He didn't argue though, switching clothes to indulge her. "Anything else? Should I get highlights? Frosted tips?"
"You said you wanted something new. Your old man bars are fine, I look cute dressed up and you tell the best stories about the bars and old pictures and patrons." Darcy reached up, steadying herself on Kevin's shoulders for a moment before lightly ruffling his hair. "Felicia would be first in line to kill me if I ever seriously suggested you get frosted tips. Stop fishing for compliments, Boss, your hair is fine."
"Alright, let's head out. So, lay on McDuff!" Kevin said with a sweep of his hand.
She huffed out a laugh, leading him downstairs so they could head into town.
Bitters was located on the outskirts of Salem Center's quaint downtown, close enough to the hubbub to get good foot traffic but not so central that parking was a complete menace. The bus stop was just down the street from the entrance, and Darcy gave Kevin a light hip-check as she moved towards the building. She ushered him into a large room with subdued lighting, a long bar curling around the back wall, and several cozy seat and table arrangements in various configurations, and perked up when she saw the host at the front, giving the young man a wide grin. "Hector! It's been ages. Is my favorite spot available tonight?"
Hector returned her grin with a smile. "Let me check." He glanced over the seating chart with a furrowed brow, then shook his head. "Fraid not, but there's a similar arrangement if you don't mind being at the end of the bar with the back room access."
"Sounds great to me," Darcy said agreeably, following him to the seating and trusting Kevin to follow along. Her normal seat was a plush leather armchair with a side table, and this wasn't much different, merely swapping the armchair for a loveseat and low coffee table. She settled into one side comfortably, ready to relay her order. "Almond old fashioned for me, whatever Kevin's ordering, and one of the house cheese boards that will pair with it." She gave Hector a wink. "You know I trust the house to get it right."
"Almond old fashioned..." Kevin gave her a sideways grin as he flicked through the menu. "A Gimlet? Really? I'll take a gimlet." He passed the menu over. "That used to be my wife's drink. I didn't know anyone made them any more."
"What can I say, Boss? You're rubbing off on me." Darcy gave him a cheeky smirk, looking relaxed and at home against the dark leather. "They do their own things too, a lot of seasonal cocktails or slight twists on old standards, but they don't fuck up the classics either. And the snack pairings are pretty great too. Usually a good mix of local small batch and bigger places or regions that are famous for their cheese and meat for a reason."
"So how did you find this place?" Kevin said, letting her take the lead.
"Law school," Darcy replied, thanking the server as their drinks and snacks were dropped off. "I needed a place with coffeehouse vibes that wasn't full of teenagers when I needed to get out of the library or my room, and happened to walk past this place while I was wandering around downtown. Not many places I can get espresso and cake after 11pm without making it myself." She took a long sip of her drink, and let out a soft sigh. "And we had a few happy hours here when I was still clerking, some of the others that were still in law school or still had the shiny on our degrees would meet to drink and talk anything but shop... but I stopped going to those after Collins lost her arm, and wasn't good about keeping up otherwise." She tipped her glass at him with a questioning raise of an eyebrow, asking without words if he wanted to try it.
"11pm cake, huh?" He said, taking a sip from the drink and passing it back. He didn't like the pairing of the almond and whiskey, but it was well constructed. He could see the allure as he passed it back. "Apparently I need to spend more time in Salem."
"Cake is a very important part of the law school process," Darcy replied primly. "If you don't eat your weight in feelings while frantically memorizing cards you're probably already failing. Or at least, that's how my cohort operated. I wasn't just stress baking for myself. How's your gimlet?" She leaned forward to investigate the cheese board while he talked, snagging a cracker and a thin disc of goat cheese and biting into it with a soft crunch.
"It's not bad. Not trying to do the thing of the 60s with Rose's Lime Cordial. This is fresh lime juice." He took a measured sip and let his hand drift over the board before selecting a sharp cheddar.
"Rose's is mostly corn syrup and sadness these days, so I'm not surprised they're going for something better." Darcy's knees nudged his leg as she adjusted in her seat, body language open and easy to read as she loosened up. "Was there a reason you wanted to see my haunts, or just get me out of the house and office for a bit?"
"I wanted to not be the old man. For a little bit." Kevin said, putting down his drink and dry washing his hands. "I'm 88 years old. I'm so disconnected that it makes me ask for help."
"Should I have taken you out for a rowdy night at the club then, or was this a good bridge?" For what it was worth, she didn't think Kevin was that disconnected. Certainly she'd had classmates in college that almost prided themselves on ignoring things that were popular, choosing to base their worth on how disconnected from the average modern life they could be while still grudgingly participating in society. Kevin got enough of her jokes and quips that his distance from age and experience barely phased her.
"No, this is good. It's more... I can wear a thousand faces perfectly, but if I don't understand the slang, the jargon, what is going on, I'll be outed the second I open my mouth. And over the last year or so, I haven't had the chance to do any immersion. So I'm feeling it right now. What is the joke? How do, fellow kids?" He gave her a wry smile.
A burst of laughter escaped, free hand clapping over her mouth as her eyes brightened with mirth. "You understand more of the memes than you like to act like you do, even when you're being old man yells at cloud," Darcy finally said, body still shaking with remnants of her laughter. "And you don't really have to talk at the club, you just let your hips do the talking instead." She did a contained shimmy in her seat as she said it, bringing her glass back up to her mouth with a wink.
"I know you don't believe it but occasionally I have to do something other than sex. Nora, not so much, but me..." He quipped.
"Well no, sometimes you have to stay in the office overnight and mind your favorite analyst instead," she teased back. "All work and no play makes Kevin a very frisky Nora? I mean, she's hot, she can get it in a heartbeat. I don't blame you for going on the prowl when you're her."
"I should, but I don't. I'm an old man. It makes me boring." Kevin said, hoisting his drink. "But sometimes I try to be something more."
Darcy stared at her glass for a minute, then finished it off. "I don't think you're boring, for what it's worth," she admitted quietly. "Old man, Nora, whatever or whoever you are at the time. You're always interesting to me. So what are you trying to be tonight, then?"
"Reflective. Understanding. A little insightful." Kevin pointed out, finishing his drink and waving for another round.
Darcy gave him a pointed look, one eyebrow arched before it smoothed into a smile at Hector's approach. "Do you have the seasonal cranbocker yet?" At Hector's affirmative, she ordered that, and turned to Kevin expectantly.
"Just a whiskey..." He took a look at Darcy's reaction. "Sour. Whatever your whiskey sour is..."
"So basically you're just yourself tonight," Darcy remarked as Hector walked away. "Just a little outside your usual settings."
"Be careful what you wish for, kid." Kevin said levelly. "I'm not always the person you think I am."
The downside to being in public was needing to cage her words and actions, Darcy thought as she took her fresh drink from Hector. This was veering more into the realm of their late-night discussions, her tongue loosened by the alcohol and Kevin just perhaps being willing to bare his thoughts a bit in the quiet of the late nights and early mornings where she found herself on the couch in his office. Or perhaps it was a fleece. She was generally good at reading people, but her coworkers--especially this one--were sometimes harder to get good insight on. Sometimes their surface showed the parts of the truth they wanted you to see. Other times it was a cleverly constructed mask. She had her own, and was generally polite enough to not pry unless she was close or felt they needed the push. But on occasions like this, when Kevin would challenge her about not being who she thought he was, she wanted to peel his masks away layer by layer until he was bared and raw for her, all of his quirks and habits and the little things that made him tick open for her to discover.
She wouldn't. She wasn't even sure if she could, brilliant at spycraft and adapting to personas as he was. But right now the urge was almost impossible to ignore. She took a careful sip of her drink instead, letting the rum, orange, and cranberry mixture wash over her tongue as she decided best how to reply.
The eyebrow came back in force, a polite, bland smile on her face that kept her thoughts behind aching teeth. "I imagine not, old man, seeing as you're very good at your work. But you've been those things for me."
"Yes. But I don't always inhabit the same world as you, even as a member of the team. And my age means that, even if I'm not that person at the time, I'm still aware of the person I can be when needed." Kevin's tone was light, but it was the cast in his eyes that informed what he was saying. "I'm not saying that I have a necklace of human ears tucked away in my closet or anything. But being hard to really know isn't just my normal deflection and distance. It's also the sheer volume of life to pick through."
Darcy reached out, giving his hand a light squeeze. "I know. That's part of why I value every little story and bit of past knowledge you give me. It's interesting, but it also allows me to just see more of the picture when it comes to you. But you're still those things for me, even if they're merely a facet of the whole."
"You know, there's a lot of significantly less complicated friendships you could have. Or mentor relationships. With people within a half century of your age." He said wryly.
"Oh no, you chose to take all this on, you're stuck with me now." Darcy kept her voice light. "Although you seem oddly determined to get rid of me lately. We need to talk about that?"
"There's no actual campaign, Lewis. Every so often... call it a function of age, I need to establish a little distance and disappear for a bit. Trying to make it easier for you when it happens."
"Ooooor," Darcy drew out slowly. "Hear me out. You tell me you need to disappear for a bit. Maybe with an estimated time, so I know roughly how long to let you be gone before I lean on people to start looking." This was definitely verging into their office chat territory, and the point where Darcy decided to say fuck it and just give in to treating this outing similar was almost visible. She shifted on the small couch until their sides were touching, briefly pressing the side of her face into his upper arm. "You can't tell me you wouldn't have invaded every second of my privacy, turned over every stone until you found me if I'd just disappeared last December. I mean, you could. You can. I wouldn't call you out on the lie. But it would be a lie, and we aren't in the habit of lying to one another, are we Kevin?" Her voice was quiet, and the question was mostly rhetorical. "You have to know I'd do the same."
Kevin took a deep breath. "I won't disappear without a word. To you, to Colbert and Hardy and Maximoff. Even if it is just to keep you from hounding Helga to see what European fleshpot I checked myself into for 'professional development." His joke cut the tension and he upended his drink. "I do appreciate the concern, even if it does make me deeply uncomfortable."
"It's true, if you pissed off all four of us there'd be nowhere you could hide, on or off earth. Also I'd cry in front of Helga, and you know she hates when her girls are upset." She wasn't quite sure if she needed to back off, so she elected to maintain the status quo. "And look.. if you just have to go like I did. As long as you let Ange pass on word that you're safe. Contact me from a burner once you can... I know that sucked for people when I did it, but I'd understand. Sometimes you just have to fucking get out." She took a slow sip of her drink as she gathered her thoughts.
"I hate that our care makes you so uncomfortable, but I'm also not going to stop caring. You... I mean yeah, you took me on because Colbert wanted a lawyer and I had the international credits to be useful. But you've taken the time to teach me, to be blunt and hard but making sure I'm not drowning. And if you hadn't taken me under wing, I'm not sure I would've survived that encounter with Collins, and I definitely wouldn't be in as good of a spot about what happened or her reappearance in our lives. It wouldn't have been the first time I went completely off the rails because some woman twisted me inside out and went on her merry way. I don't know if that was in my file."
Kevin looked over her shoulder and caught Hector's eye, motioning to the table. He was deliberately avoiding the conversation for a moment, considering everything before he spoke. "Tell me about the part that wasn't in your file?" He said, obviously avoiding certain questions, but focusing on the opening she gave him.
"I'd have to know the parts that were, first." She finished her drink off, ordering another of the same and a dessert to pair with it. "Oh, the illustrious M," Darcy said with a sigh, head tipping back against the back of the couch as she smiled fondly. Her eyes were unfocused and distant as bittersweet memories sprang to mind. "I'm not going to say I was sheltered in high school, but I was still fairly innocent when I left for Culver. I met Martine sophomore year in some gen ed she'd been avoiding, and we got along like... gods, I don't even know what to compare it to, but there was an instant spark, not quite a kindred spirit but like finding someone that fills in your rough edges in a beautifully complementary way. Like watching a roux come together just right without breaking." She was curled into Kevin and the couch, free hand occasionally punctuating her words with a wave of emphasis. "We started out as friends. Not quite mentor, never big sister, but she took me in, showed me the ropes of navigating parties and balancing my schoolwork in a way that'd make me a success instead of just another Mrs. Eventually, I got comfortable to tell her that I thought I liked women and men, and she got comfortable enough with me to start opening up about her past."
She took the offered drink from Hector with a grateful smile, taking a small drink. "And we fell into bed together semi-exclusively. She taught me almost everything I know about what a woman likes. How to submit and enjoy it. Occasionally, how to lead and help her enjoy it. She had a long string of boy toys that could never keep her attention, and me. Always faithful by the standards of our relationship, both of us pushing each other to greater heights in a way that was competitive but not nasty. And then I fucked it all up by falling in love with her." Her mouth twisted into a small, bitter smile. "I always fuck it up by falling in love."
"There's worse ways to fuck up." Kevin said, admonishing her slightly. "Love is a hell of a lot better a sin than actions in bad faith or carelessness or flat out maliciousness."
"That's true enough," Darcy agreed. "And being in love with her wasn't the problem, necessarily. It was the trappings I wanted it to come with. I didn't go to college just to settle down, but I did - do - want to have that sort of partnership eventually. Being the velvet glove to her iron fist, a DC power couple. The house with the small fenced yard for entertaining, maybe a kid. Discreet men on the side. But us, together, putting each other and our combined ambitions first." She took a long sip of her drink, eyes watching the ice cube like it was something fascinating. "Martine didn't - doesn't - want to be tied down like that. Words were said. She's brilliant at knowing how to drive the dagger where it hurts." A laughing scoff. "That's my type of woman. The only difference with Laurie was that she didn't have nearly as much charisma as Martine, chose to forsake the social graces instead of wielding them like an expert."
A small bite of dessert - an orange and semisweet chocolate mousse that paired nicely with her drink - and she let out a small sigh. "We're friendly now, but it took a long time. I was in a really bad place after because our lives had gotten so entwined. I was such a mess. Drunk, depressed, couldn't bring myself to more than half-arse classes, dropped my science requirement because her new boytoy was in the same lab section and I couldn't handle seeing them together. Ultimately, that's why I ended up taking the internship with Jane. Even though she graduated that spring, I saw her ghost everywhere. The time with Jane gave me the distance to get my shit back together. Since I didn't flunk the semester and still managed my full-time load, it probably wasn't more than a blip on my transcript. Oh, a B semester with a dropped class, must've been a rough one. That's what people generally assume."
"Do you think it informed your future dating decisions?" Kevin said. "Laurie, Doug, Matt... you seem to be drawn towards people who have specific limitations from the start to how fully you can invest. Not saying you don't or didn't love them, but there's a shared aspect on both your side and theirs. They have other people. You have other people. So you're already protected from that kind of one sided affection."
"Too public, too awake, and not nearly drunk enough to delve that deep into my psyche, dude." She drained her drink as her thoughts turned inward, motioning Hector over for another. She was going to regret all of this in the morning. At least Kevin could drive home, and she wouldn't have to let Hector pour her into a cab to do the drunken shame walk up the driveway after getting blotto in public. As it stood he'd probably end up pouring her into a bed. "Cranberry-orange swizzle. And Hector? Tell the bar to make it a double." At his concerned look, she squeezed Kevin's leg and added, "No worries, I'm not driving tonight. I'll get home plenty safe."
She tapped her fingers on the side of her dessert, eating it slowly while she waited for her drink. "Quid pro quo? If I'm doing a deep dive into my love life, so are you. And you can regret asking this in public when you're carrying me to bed later and hoping I don't choke on puke in my sleep."
"You can ask me whatever you want. But you haven't answered my question yet."
"Still not drunk enough," Darcy sing-songed. The words slurred faintly together, but it was hard to discern whether it was intentional or if drink number three was starting to hit. "You'll answer mine truthfully if I answer yours?" She had a few bites of her dessert left, so she held the spoon up to Kevin. "Care to try? It's good. Not overly sweet."
"Truth or dare with dessert? I remember that." Kevin smiled and took a small bite of her dessert. "So, maybe a little truth."
Darcy grumbled, giving him an arched eyebrow over her mousse. "...'mnot baring my soul to you in public for a little truth. Not my therapist." She hadn't actually even dived this deep with her own therapist. There were some voids that she didn't really want to gaze into, the sort of brutal self-doubts that she ignored and ignored and ignored until someone plucked them out of her head to pierce right through her heart and soft underbelly. She stuck the last spoonful of mousse into her mouth defiantly, tongue flicking over the spoon until it was clean. She leaned forward to place it on the table, grabbing her fresh drink in exchange.
"The size of the truth is entirely determined by what you're brave enough to ask. There's an old social experiment that we used to look at in the Agency. This company, when hiring people, would ask them what level of compensation that they thought their role merited and agree to the number. Reason being that people always asked for less than the company was willing to pay for the position." He looked as relaxed as always, like he could be talking about the most mundane things possible instead of getting her to open up. "Likewise, I've always told people they can ask me anything they want, and even the most curious never do more than nibble around the edges."
"I ask questions as I think of them. I'm not sober enough to argue evasive truths with you, even at my best you'd end up winning that argument. So fine. You'll get me drunker and I'll answer your questions." Darcy sighed, taking a deep breath and a long swallow of her fresh drink before continuing. The rum was a warm burn down her throat, softened lightly by the fruit juices in the mix.
"If anything, dating M actually turned me off of that style of dating. I'd handled her having one-offs on the side, and I had a few myself, and sometimes we would share. When we did share, it was one of us as the focus. Or both of us. The third person... I can't even remember some of their names. They weren't important, they were just an extension of us making each other feel good. Hands, muscles, a willing mouth and dick. Dime a dozen on a college campus." Darcy shrugged. "We were honest about it, very much like Matt's honest about my place in his life. No games, no tricks, a few of them were repeat customers because they were actually cool about the no-strings, two hot women doing a booty call life. Matt and I are the same way. I know Foggy's his ride or die. They could decide to try exclusive tomorrow and I'd be sad about it, but after a week or two to re-establish our boundaries we'd be the same Matt and Darcy we've always been, just without the kissing and sex. I'm not saying there aren't feelings involved, because I loved Matt as my friend before we ever considered more. But I know where I stand, there's no uncertainty there."
She took a sip of her drink before she tackled the other names. "Laurie... we fell into that. It was just supposed to be one night, fooling around with her and Namor after the Gala last year because we were all single, hot, and horny. No strings, just friends having some killer makeouts. But then she told me about her powers leak, and one thing led to another... turns out when one of you can make demands and the other can heighten the attraction the orgasms are good enough that we probably could've killed someone that way without ever touching them, given the training and effort to sync up. But looking back - " she trailed off, tracing the rim of her glass with a fingertip. "I can't tell you I knew her well enough to say she ever actually cared. Maybe she was playing the long game, even then. Pull me in even closer, give her a ready-made caretaker. I don't know when she switched from reluctantly needing care to seeing me as a friend to actually being interested in me as a lover or a mark."
At some point she'd gone from leaning against Kevin side by side to slumped against him, the line of his arm warm against her spine. She tipped her head back, the ceiling swimming slightly as she focused on the stubble on his jaw. It was sexy. She wanted to bite him. "Do you really want to talk about my sex life with Doug? It won't affect work shtuff?" The words were slurred slightly, but understandable. Her drink had gone down about a third. Huh. Maybe the rum was actually hitting.
"No, I'd like you to talk about your relationships and how you see them. With as much or as little detail as you want. But if you don't, I'm fine with that as well."
"Why though? I thought you didn't like getting that personal."
"I like knowing about you. It... turns keys that are otherwise locked. And, if it wasn't obvious, it turns out I dearly love secrets." He said with an arched eyebrow.
Darcy's eyes crinkled at the sides as she gave him a drunk smile. "That's why your hair's so thick and nice. It's full of secrets." She reached a hand up to pet it but missed, awkwardly patting the side of his face and edge of his ear. "But you wanna know bout Doug," she continued, smile softening into something a little goofy and besotted as she thought about him. "We work pretty well together when I'm not stomping all over his numerous minefields full of trauma. We're alike enough in some ways that like... we can be silly in bed, we crack jokes between amazing orgasms, we're competitive enough to egg each other on but care enough to try and keep it fun, not nasty. An' I love that. Love him. But yeah, there's that.. wall, I guess, you're not wrong. 'n it's... s'not that I don't trust 'im, I do, he's been honest wi'me." She took another sip of her drink. "But there's part of me that can't quite commit, maybe it's the part that M broke and Laurie smashed. Maybe I jus don' trust m'self enough either."
Her words started rushing together the more she drank and the longer she talked. "I dunno I try so hard not to gaze into the void about this so I'm not laying awake staring at the ceiling at 3am what if what if what if and wondering if what we have will ever be enough to overcome the history, of being unmade and put back together, of any of it and I just-" Darcy broke off again, shaking her head. This was the wrong place, the wrong time, probably the wrong person to be voicing all of this too, and there was a part of her screaming about how fucking much she was going to regret this confession, this night that got quieter and quieter the more she drank and the longer she actually let the words run free.
"There's this recurring shitty brain fuck you thought about Wade coming back and him and Ange and Doug pulling Amanda into their little trio fine while I get pushed aside because what does Doug need me for anymore when he's got Wade to get his memes and all three of them to get all their little in-jokes that the long timers have or have sex and being intimate and it's completely unreasonable right up until it's not so some nights I just stare at the ceiling while that circles in my head with things that are maybe more reasonable yelling from the sidelines like what if Ange tells him he needs to die or do something horrible to himself again is he even going to think about me before he does it because we both know he'll do it and then there's the even worse thoughts about how could I possibly compete with his literal Queen but hey the sex is really good and the banter is even better and he and Matt are cool about me snuggling up to both of them at the same time so I really can't complain that I keep ending up in situations where I feel like the second choice but also I'd be right beside Ange or Em if someone was dumb enough to hurt him and stick around for it because I'm ass over teakettle for him and I'd be devastated if he decided it was too much or not enough and walked away. I'd recover eventually because I always do but I'm pretty sure it'd break something in me that couldn't be fixed. Sometimes I wish I could just do the whole no strings sex everyone's fuckbuddy thing and it be enough but really I'm stupid and just want to be someone's first thought sometimes ugh you must be regretting this so much with your stupid hot everything and that judgey eyebrow that I can feel you giving me and just-" She'd been drinking steadily as she talked, and as she finally ran out of words she drained the last bit of her glass, braced herself on Kevin's knee as she leaned forward, and set the glass on the table, watching it teeter for a moment before settling with a soft thump.
Kevin shifted the glass so it was safe and motioned to Hector for the glass of water he'd already prepared. "You're wrong on one thing. I'm not judging you, Lewis. Believe me, even I have a certain level of hypocrisy which I can't scale when relationships are involved. But I can tell you've wanted to say this to someone for awhile now."
"You mean the whole thing where if you just treat us like assets it won't hurt as much when we die? Or that you're somehow incapable of squishy emotions or not worth being loved?" She poked him in his side, wiggling under his arm until she was leaning comfortably against his side. "I'm onto you, mister. But talk to me about your relationship hypocrisy. I want to know everything."
"I have had two major romantic relationships in my life, both of which I ended up not being able to do what was necessary to make them work. With my wife, it was kids. Not really my fault, but it was what it was. And then Mary, who while she was hurting, I had to be too clever by half trying to avoid sacrificing anything, and ended up with her legitimately believing I'd betrayed and abandoned her. So giving anyone relationship advice or judging their relationships, considering my own failings, would be laughably arrogant." He said with a half shrug and a drink.
"That's sad." Darcy couldn't quite articulate more, but - "Letting her go so she could have that life was probably the kindest thing you could have done for her," she said quietly. "And Mary... you'll have to tell me that story, I don't know it. But I know it's hard to try and juggle everything you don't want to lose sometimes."
"It's complicated, like all of yours. Lewis, I didn't ask you that question because I wanted to out you. I asked because I wanted you to be honest with yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or feels. It's about what makes you happy. And they seem to make you happy."
Darcy flung her hand out in an approximation of conducting, drawing out "In vino veriiiiii -" before breaking off with a jaw-cracking yawn. "I'm drunk, take me to bed. Home. Both."
Kevin had already slipped a credit card that wasn't paid for by him to the bar and helped her up. "You good for the next few steps?"
She swayed slightly as she stood, taking a wobbly step or two. "Maybe I'll just hold on a little bit." Her hands slipped around his waist as she shuffled along behind him, giving Hector a wave and blowing the bar area a kiss as they headed to the front. "Night Hector, hope all of you get the good tips!" she called out as the door opened, brisk fall air making her shiver and blink as they stepped outside. Her face brushed against his cardigan as she turned her face away from the wind. "I was right. This cardigan is amazing, all warmth and softness and smelling like you," she mumbled into his back.
"So when things start going missing from my closet, I know who is the one stealing them?" He said, waiting for the car he'd ordered.
"Jus' gonna make you wear 'em more, 's too big for me. Maybe Nora's sweaters." Darcy leaned heavily against Kevin as they waited. "Skirts or dresses wouldn't work right in length, even if the chest fit, so it'll have to be sweaters. Bet they feel even softer."
"I do own a few proper cashmere sweaters." Kevin waved as the car approached and as it stopped, he eased Darcy in before sliding in next to her.
She fumbled her seatbelt into place as he got seated, leaning back into the seat with her eyes closed. "Yours? I'd need a belt, wear them with my sparkly leggings and boots. Arms would still be too long, but I like that." She giggled as the thought came to her. "Boyfriend sweater."
"I'm your third stop for those, Lewis." Kevin gave her a fond smile, recognizing that he was taking her home but not the one to really take her home.
Darcy shook her head, eyes slitting open just enough to catch the smile directed her way. "Nuh-uh, first for sweaters. Steal a hoodie from Matt sometimes. Doug is button downs from work, open. Maybe a tie. Pretty heels to gild the lily." Her smile was small, but content. "Sweater, belt, that's for being in public."
His bark of laughter made her jolt for a moment. "Fair enough. You know, I think they work hard to live up to dating you."
"You think so? I try to be easy-going. Take me out sometimes, spend time with me, talk shit out, mutually delightful orgasms. Feed me, share some banter. Don't be weird about Helga's, don't ask questions about my job you don't want the answers to. The minefields of trauma make it a little harder. We all have demons."
Kevin captured her chin in his hands. "You want a lot and you miss a lot. Are you confident enough for a real estimate of things?" he asked.
Darcy almost wanted to squirm away from the question, but she held still, meeting his gaze just this short of defiant. "Go ahead, give me both barrels."
"You are worth being loved. You are also damaged which means that you may never be loved in the way you think you want. But, we're all broken in some ways and what you currently have might be actually what you need. Let yourself love in the moment without an eye towards the exit in case you might get hurt. If something happens, there's people who will help you get back up. Trust them for that and let it help you be brave." A smile quirked the corner of his mouth. "Thus endeth the lesson. If you remember in the morning."
"Not that drunk," she murmured, wrapping her hands around his and giving them a squeeze. Acknowledgement and thanks, even though she felt terribly exposed after hearing him say all that. "You are too, you know. Even if you don't want it, even when it's horribly uncomfortable." She pulled their hands down as the taxi came to a stop, sliding out after Kevin and leaning heavily against him as he paid the driver. She was pleasantly warm from the alcohol in a way she'd probably regret almost as much in the morning as the spilling of drunk truths, but she let herself enjoy the last few moments of their outing.
When Kevin had mentioned drinks, Darcy decided she knew just the place to introduce him to and planned their outing accordingly. Low-key but good sips, small things to nibble on but not the usual heavy pub or sports bar fare. Comfortable seating, not too loud, great for quiet conversation and good company. She knocked on the door to his suite, brushing past him and taking in his outfit. "Less Wall Street, more scruffy professor, please. Surely you've got a good cardigan or patch elbow blazer somewhere in that closet of yours," she teased. "Ditch the tie, open your top button."
"I have both. And I don't always wear a tie." Kevin said, watching her with a puzzled expression as she dug into his less significant closet of male clothes. "Where are we going? Do I need to redo my hair? Is this a place that looks like they have those little bullshit jukeboxes but the only song they have is 'Greased Lightning' like it is a fifties song?"
"Absolutely not, you'd spend the whole time pointing out the historical inaccuracies. Admittedly entertaining, but not the vibe I want tonight."
Her fingers rubbed over the ribbing in one of his cardigans, taking in the texture and the smoothness of the yarn. "I want to say this one, but it also makes me want to rub my face on it, so maybe not. I'm already going to have to beat folks off of you with a stick," she mused, turning her eyes to the blazer a few hangers over and then back to the cardigan. "Worth it," she muttered to herself, carefully slipping it off the hanger and holding it out. "Bitters does cocktails and coffees, plus a few small plates and dessert offerings. Comfortable seats, decent lighting, amusing bartenders and staff. I think you'll like it, even though it's not your usual sort of dark woods, heavy leather, cigars as old as time joint."
"So you are complaining about my old man bars?" Kevin said with a raised eyebrow. He didn't argue though, switching clothes to indulge her. "Anything else? Should I get highlights? Frosted tips?"
"You said you wanted something new. Your old man bars are fine, I look cute dressed up and you tell the best stories about the bars and old pictures and patrons." Darcy reached up, steadying herself on Kevin's shoulders for a moment before lightly ruffling his hair. "Felicia would be first in line to kill me if I ever seriously suggested you get frosted tips. Stop fishing for compliments, Boss, your hair is fine."
"Alright, let's head out. So, lay on McDuff!" Kevin said with a sweep of his hand.
She huffed out a laugh, leading him downstairs so they could head into town.
Bitters was located on the outskirts of Salem Center's quaint downtown, close enough to the hubbub to get good foot traffic but not so central that parking was a complete menace. The bus stop was just down the street from the entrance, and Darcy gave Kevin a light hip-check as she moved towards the building. She ushered him into a large room with subdued lighting, a long bar curling around the back wall, and several cozy seat and table arrangements in various configurations, and perked up when she saw the host at the front, giving the young man a wide grin. "Hector! It's been ages. Is my favorite spot available tonight?"
Hector returned her grin with a smile. "Let me check." He glanced over the seating chart with a furrowed brow, then shook his head. "Fraid not, but there's a similar arrangement if you don't mind being at the end of the bar with the back room access."
"Sounds great to me," Darcy said agreeably, following him to the seating and trusting Kevin to follow along. Her normal seat was a plush leather armchair with a side table, and this wasn't much different, merely swapping the armchair for a loveseat and low coffee table. She settled into one side comfortably, ready to relay her order. "Almond old fashioned for me, whatever Kevin's ordering, and one of the house cheese boards that will pair with it." She gave Hector a wink. "You know I trust the house to get it right."
"Almond old fashioned..." Kevin gave her a sideways grin as he flicked through the menu. "A Gimlet? Really? I'll take a gimlet." He passed the menu over. "That used to be my wife's drink. I didn't know anyone made them any more."
"What can I say, Boss? You're rubbing off on me." Darcy gave him a cheeky smirk, looking relaxed and at home against the dark leather. "They do their own things too, a lot of seasonal cocktails or slight twists on old standards, but they don't fuck up the classics either. And the snack pairings are pretty great too. Usually a good mix of local small batch and bigger places or regions that are famous for their cheese and meat for a reason."
"So how did you find this place?" Kevin said, letting her take the lead.
"Law school," Darcy replied, thanking the server as their drinks and snacks were dropped off. "I needed a place with coffeehouse vibes that wasn't full of teenagers when I needed to get out of the library or my room, and happened to walk past this place while I was wandering around downtown. Not many places I can get espresso and cake after 11pm without making it myself." She took a long sip of her drink, and let out a soft sigh. "And we had a few happy hours here when I was still clerking, some of the others that were still in law school or still had the shiny on our degrees would meet to drink and talk anything but shop... but I stopped going to those after Collins lost her arm, and wasn't good about keeping up otherwise." She tipped her glass at him with a questioning raise of an eyebrow, asking without words if he wanted to try it.
"11pm cake, huh?" He said, taking a sip from the drink and passing it back. He didn't like the pairing of the almond and whiskey, but it was well constructed. He could see the allure as he passed it back. "Apparently I need to spend more time in Salem."
"Cake is a very important part of the law school process," Darcy replied primly. "If you don't eat your weight in feelings while frantically memorizing cards you're probably already failing. Or at least, that's how my cohort operated. I wasn't just stress baking for myself. How's your gimlet?" She leaned forward to investigate the cheese board while he talked, snagging a cracker and a thin disc of goat cheese and biting into it with a soft crunch.
"It's not bad. Not trying to do the thing of the 60s with Rose's Lime Cordial. This is fresh lime juice." He took a measured sip and let his hand drift over the board before selecting a sharp cheddar.
"Rose's is mostly corn syrup and sadness these days, so I'm not surprised they're going for something better." Darcy's knees nudged his leg as she adjusted in her seat, body language open and easy to read as she loosened up. "Was there a reason you wanted to see my haunts, or just get me out of the house and office for a bit?"
"I wanted to not be the old man. For a little bit." Kevin said, putting down his drink and dry washing his hands. "I'm 88 years old. I'm so disconnected that it makes me ask for help."
"Should I have taken you out for a rowdy night at the club then, or was this a good bridge?" For what it was worth, she didn't think Kevin was that disconnected. Certainly she'd had classmates in college that almost prided themselves on ignoring things that were popular, choosing to base their worth on how disconnected from the average modern life they could be while still grudgingly participating in society. Kevin got enough of her jokes and quips that his distance from age and experience barely phased her.
"No, this is good. It's more... I can wear a thousand faces perfectly, but if I don't understand the slang, the jargon, what is going on, I'll be outed the second I open my mouth. And over the last year or so, I haven't had the chance to do any immersion. So I'm feeling it right now. What is the joke? How do, fellow kids?" He gave her a wry smile.
A burst of laughter escaped, free hand clapping over her mouth as her eyes brightened with mirth. "You understand more of the memes than you like to act like you do, even when you're being old man yells at cloud," Darcy finally said, body still shaking with remnants of her laughter. "And you don't really have to talk at the club, you just let your hips do the talking instead." She did a contained shimmy in her seat as she said it, bringing her glass back up to her mouth with a wink.
"I know you don't believe it but occasionally I have to do something other than sex. Nora, not so much, but me..." He quipped.
"Well no, sometimes you have to stay in the office overnight and mind your favorite analyst instead," she teased back. "All work and no play makes Kevin a very frisky Nora? I mean, she's hot, she can get it in a heartbeat. I don't blame you for going on the prowl when you're her."
"I should, but I don't. I'm an old man. It makes me boring." Kevin said, hoisting his drink. "But sometimes I try to be something more."
Darcy stared at her glass for a minute, then finished it off. "I don't think you're boring, for what it's worth," she admitted quietly. "Old man, Nora, whatever or whoever you are at the time. You're always interesting to me. So what are you trying to be tonight, then?"
"Reflective. Understanding. A little insightful." Kevin pointed out, finishing his drink and waving for another round.
Darcy gave him a pointed look, one eyebrow arched before it smoothed into a smile at Hector's approach. "Do you have the seasonal cranbocker yet?" At Hector's affirmative, she ordered that, and turned to Kevin expectantly.
"Just a whiskey..." He took a look at Darcy's reaction. "Sour. Whatever your whiskey sour is..."
"So basically you're just yourself tonight," Darcy remarked as Hector walked away. "Just a little outside your usual settings."
"Be careful what you wish for, kid." Kevin said levelly. "I'm not always the person you think I am."
The downside to being in public was needing to cage her words and actions, Darcy thought as she took her fresh drink from Hector. This was veering more into the realm of their late-night discussions, her tongue loosened by the alcohol and Kevin just perhaps being willing to bare his thoughts a bit in the quiet of the late nights and early mornings where she found herself on the couch in his office. Or perhaps it was a fleece. She was generally good at reading people, but her coworkers--especially this one--were sometimes harder to get good insight on. Sometimes their surface showed the parts of the truth they wanted you to see. Other times it was a cleverly constructed mask. She had her own, and was generally polite enough to not pry unless she was close or felt they needed the push. But on occasions like this, when Kevin would challenge her about not being who she thought he was, she wanted to peel his masks away layer by layer until he was bared and raw for her, all of his quirks and habits and the little things that made him tick open for her to discover.
She wouldn't. She wasn't even sure if she could, brilliant at spycraft and adapting to personas as he was. But right now the urge was almost impossible to ignore. She took a careful sip of her drink instead, letting the rum, orange, and cranberry mixture wash over her tongue as she decided best how to reply.
The eyebrow came back in force, a polite, bland smile on her face that kept her thoughts behind aching teeth. "I imagine not, old man, seeing as you're very good at your work. But you've been those things for me."
"Yes. But I don't always inhabit the same world as you, even as a member of the team. And my age means that, even if I'm not that person at the time, I'm still aware of the person I can be when needed." Kevin's tone was light, but it was the cast in his eyes that informed what he was saying. "I'm not saying that I have a necklace of human ears tucked away in my closet or anything. But being hard to really know isn't just my normal deflection and distance. It's also the sheer volume of life to pick through."
Darcy reached out, giving his hand a light squeeze. "I know. That's part of why I value every little story and bit of past knowledge you give me. It's interesting, but it also allows me to just see more of the picture when it comes to you. But you're still those things for me, even if they're merely a facet of the whole."
"You know, there's a lot of significantly less complicated friendships you could have. Or mentor relationships. With people within a half century of your age." He said wryly.
"Oh no, you chose to take all this on, you're stuck with me now." Darcy kept her voice light. "Although you seem oddly determined to get rid of me lately. We need to talk about that?"
"There's no actual campaign, Lewis. Every so often... call it a function of age, I need to establish a little distance and disappear for a bit. Trying to make it easier for you when it happens."
"Ooooor," Darcy drew out slowly. "Hear me out. You tell me you need to disappear for a bit. Maybe with an estimated time, so I know roughly how long to let you be gone before I lean on people to start looking." This was definitely verging into their office chat territory, and the point where Darcy decided to say fuck it and just give in to treating this outing similar was almost visible. She shifted on the small couch until their sides were touching, briefly pressing the side of her face into his upper arm. "You can't tell me you wouldn't have invaded every second of my privacy, turned over every stone until you found me if I'd just disappeared last December. I mean, you could. You can. I wouldn't call you out on the lie. But it would be a lie, and we aren't in the habit of lying to one another, are we Kevin?" Her voice was quiet, and the question was mostly rhetorical. "You have to know I'd do the same."
Kevin took a deep breath. "I won't disappear without a word. To you, to Colbert and Hardy and Maximoff. Even if it is just to keep you from hounding Helga to see what European fleshpot I checked myself into for 'professional development." His joke cut the tension and he upended his drink. "I do appreciate the concern, even if it does make me deeply uncomfortable."
"It's true, if you pissed off all four of us there'd be nowhere you could hide, on or off earth. Also I'd cry in front of Helga, and you know she hates when her girls are upset." She wasn't quite sure if she needed to back off, so she elected to maintain the status quo. "And look.. if you just have to go like I did. As long as you let Ange pass on word that you're safe. Contact me from a burner once you can... I know that sucked for people when I did it, but I'd understand. Sometimes you just have to fucking get out." She took a slow sip of her drink as she gathered her thoughts.
"I hate that our care makes you so uncomfortable, but I'm also not going to stop caring. You... I mean yeah, you took me on because Colbert wanted a lawyer and I had the international credits to be useful. But you've taken the time to teach me, to be blunt and hard but making sure I'm not drowning. And if you hadn't taken me under wing, I'm not sure I would've survived that encounter with Collins, and I definitely wouldn't be in as good of a spot about what happened or her reappearance in our lives. It wouldn't have been the first time I went completely off the rails because some woman twisted me inside out and went on her merry way. I don't know if that was in my file."
Kevin looked over her shoulder and caught Hector's eye, motioning to the table. He was deliberately avoiding the conversation for a moment, considering everything before he spoke. "Tell me about the part that wasn't in your file?" He said, obviously avoiding certain questions, but focusing on the opening she gave him.
"I'd have to know the parts that were, first." She finished her drink off, ordering another of the same and a dessert to pair with it. "Oh, the illustrious M," Darcy said with a sigh, head tipping back against the back of the couch as she smiled fondly. Her eyes were unfocused and distant as bittersweet memories sprang to mind. "I'm not going to say I was sheltered in high school, but I was still fairly innocent when I left for Culver. I met Martine sophomore year in some gen ed she'd been avoiding, and we got along like... gods, I don't even know what to compare it to, but there was an instant spark, not quite a kindred spirit but like finding someone that fills in your rough edges in a beautifully complementary way. Like watching a roux come together just right without breaking." She was curled into Kevin and the couch, free hand occasionally punctuating her words with a wave of emphasis. "We started out as friends. Not quite mentor, never big sister, but she took me in, showed me the ropes of navigating parties and balancing my schoolwork in a way that'd make me a success instead of just another Mrs. Eventually, I got comfortable to tell her that I thought I liked women and men, and she got comfortable enough with me to start opening up about her past."
She took the offered drink from Hector with a grateful smile, taking a small drink. "And we fell into bed together semi-exclusively. She taught me almost everything I know about what a woman likes. How to submit and enjoy it. Occasionally, how to lead and help her enjoy it. She had a long string of boy toys that could never keep her attention, and me. Always faithful by the standards of our relationship, both of us pushing each other to greater heights in a way that was competitive but not nasty. And then I fucked it all up by falling in love with her." Her mouth twisted into a small, bitter smile. "I always fuck it up by falling in love."
"There's worse ways to fuck up." Kevin said, admonishing her slightly. "Love is a hell of a lot better a sin than actions in bad faith or carelessness or flat out maliciousness."
"That's true enough," Darcy agreed. "And being in love with her wasn't the problem, necessarily. It was the trappings I wanted it to come with. I didn't go to college just to settle down, but I did - do - want to have that sort of partnership eventually. Being the velvet glove to her iron fist, a DC power couple. The house with the small fenced yard for entertaining, maybe a kid. Discreet men on the side. But us, together, putting each other and our combined ambitions first." She took a long sip of her drink, eyes watching the ice cube like it was something fascinating. "Martine didn't - doesn't - want to be tied down like that. Words were said. She's brilliant at knowing how to drive the dagger where it hurts." A laughing scoff. "That's my type of woman. The only difference with Laurie was that she didn't have nearly as much charisma as Martine, chose to forsake the social graces instead of wielding them like an expert."
A small bite of dessert - an orange and semisweet chocolate mousse that paired nicely with her drink - and she let out a small sigh. "We're friendly now, but it took a long time. I was in a really bad place after because our lives had gotten so entwined. I was such a mess. Drunk, depressed, couldn't bring myself to more than half-arse classes, dropped my science requirement because her new boytoy was in the same lab section and I couldn't handle seeing them together. Ultimately, that's why I ended up taking the internship with Jane. Even though she graduated that spring, I saw her ghost everywhere. The time with Jane gave me the distance to get my shit back together. Since I didn't flunk the semester and still managed my full-time load, it probably wasn't more than a blip on my transcript. Oh, a B semester with a dropped class, must've been a rough one. That's what people generally assume."
"Do you think it informed your future dating decisions?" Kevin said. "Laurie, Doug, Matt... you seem to be drawn towards people who have specific limitations from the start to how fully you can invest. Not saying you don't or didn't love them, but there's a shared aspect on both your side and theirs. They have other people. You have other people. So you're already protected from that kind of one sided affection."
"Too public, too awake, and not nearly drunk enough to delve that deep into my psyche, dude." She drained her drink as her thoughts turned inward, motioning Hector over for another. She was going to regret all of this in the morning. At least Kevin could drive home, and she wouldn't have to let Hector pour her into a cab to do the drunken shame walk up the driveway after getting blotto in public. As it stood he'd probably end up pouring her into a bed. "Cranberry-orange swizzle. And Hector? Tell the bar to make it a double." At his concerned look, she squeezed Kevin's leg and added, "No worries, I'm not driving tonight. I'll get home plenty safe."
She tapped her fingers on the side of her dessert, eating it slowly while she waited for her drink. "Quid pro quo? If I'm doing a deep dive into my love life, so are you. And you can regret asking this in public when you're carrying me to bed later and hoping I don't choke on puke in my sleep."
"You can ask me whatever you want. But you haven't answered my question yet."
"Still not drunk enough," Darcy sing-songed. The words slurred faintly together, but it was hard to discern whether it was intentional or if drink number three was starting to hit. "You'll answer mine truthfully if I answer yours?" She had a few bites of her dessert left, so she held the spoon up to Kevin. "Care to try? It's good. Not overly sweet."
"Truth or dare with dessert? I remember that." Kevin smiled and took a small bite of her dessert. "So, maybe a little truth."
Darcy grumbled, giving him an arched eyebrow over her mousse. "...'mnot baring my soul to you in public for a little truth. Not my therapist." She hadn't actually even dived this deep with her own therapist. There were some voids that she didn't really want to gaze into, the sort of brutal self-doubts that she ignored and ignored and ignored until someone plucked them out of her head to pierce right through her heart and soft underbelly. She stuck the last spoonful of mousse into her mouth defiantly, tongue flicking over the spoon until it was clean. She leaned forward to place it on the table, grabbing her fresh drink in exchange.
"The size of the truth is entirely determined by what you're brave enough to ask. There's an old social experiment that we used to look at in the Agency. This company, when hiring people, would ask them what level of compensation that they thought their role merited and agree to the number. Reason being that people always asked for less than the company was willing to pay for the position." He looked as relaxed as always, like he could be talking about the most mundane things possible instead of getting her to open up. "Likewise, I've always told people they can ask me anything they want, and even the most curious never do more than nibble around the edges."
"I ask questions as I think of them. I'm not sober enough to argue evasive truths with you, even at my best you'd end up winning that argument. So fine. You'll get me drunker and I'll answer your questions." Darcy sighed, taking a deep breath and a long swallow of her fresh drink before continuing. The rum was a warm burn down her throat, softened lightly by the fruit juices in the mix.
"If anything, dating M actually turned me off of that style of dating. I'd handled her having one-offs on the side, and I had a few myself, and sometimes we would share. When we did share, it was one of us as the focus. Or both of us. The third person... I can't even remember some of their names. They weren't important, they were just an extension of us making each other feel good. Hands, muscles, a willing mouth and dick. Dime a dozen on a college campus." Darcy shrugged. "We were honest about it, very much like Matt's honest about my place in his life. No games, no tricks, a few of them were repeat customers because they were actually cool about the no-strings, two hot women doing a booty call life. Matt and I are the same way. I know Foggy's his ride or die. They could decide to try exclusive tomorrow and I'd be sad about it, but after a week or two to re-establish our boundaries we'd be the same Matt and Darcy we've always been, just without the kissing and sex. I'm not saying there aren't feelings involved, because I loved Matt as my friend before we ever considered more. But I know where I stand, there's no uncertainty there."
She took a sip of her drink before she tackled the other names. "Laurie... we fell into that. It was just supposed to be one night, fooling around with her and Namor after the Gala last year because we were all single, hot, and horny. No strings, just friends having some killer makeouts. But then she told me about her powers leak, and one thing led to another... turns out when one of you can make demands and the other can heighten the attraction the orgasms are good enough that we probably could've killed someone that way without ever touching them, given the training and effort to sync up. But looking back - " she trailed off, tracing the rim of her glass with a fingertip. "I can't tell you I knew her well enough to say she ever actually cared. Maybe she was playing the long game, even then. Pull me in even closer, give her a ready-made caretaker. I don't know when she switched from reluctantly needing care to seeing me as a friend to actually being interested in me as a lover or a mark."
At some point she'd gone from leaning against Kevin side by side to slumped against him, the line of his arm warm against her spine. She tipped her head back, the ceiling swimming slightly as she focused on the stubble on his jaw. It was sexy. She wanted to bite him. "Do you really want to talk about my sex life with Doug? It won't affect work shtuff?" The words were slurred slightly, but understandable. Her drink had gone down about a third. Huh. Maybe the rum was actually hitting.
"No, I'd like you to talk about your relationships and how you see them. With as much or as little detail as you want. But if you don't, I'm fine with that as well."
"Why though? I thought you didn't like getting that personal."
"I like knowing about you. It... turns keys that are otherwise locked. And, if it wasn't obvious, it turns out I dearly love secrets." He said with an arched eyebrow.
Darcy's eyes crinkled at the sides as she gave him a drunk smile. "That's why your hair's so thick and nice. It's full of secrets." She reached a hand up to pet it but missed, awkwardly patting the side of his face and edge of his ear. "But you wanna know bout Doug," she continued, smile softening into something a little goofy and besotted as she thought about him. "We work pretty well together when I'm not stomping all over his numerous minefields full of trauma. We're alike enough in some ways that like... we can be silly in bed, we crack jokes between amazing orgasms, we're competitive enough to egg each other on but care enough to try and keep it fun, not nasty. An' I love that. Love him. But yeah, there's that.. wall, I guess, you're not wrong. 'n it's... s'not that I don't trust 'im, I do, he's been honest wi'me." She took another sip of her drink. "But there's part of me that can't quite commit, maybe it's the part that M broke and Laurie smashed. Maybe I jus don' trust m'self enough either."
Her words started rushing together the more she drank and the longer she talked. "I dunno I try so hard not to gaze into the void about this so I'm not laying awake staring at the ceiling at 3am what if what if what if and wondering if what we have will ever be enough to overcome the history, of being unmade and put back together, of any of it and I just-" Darcy broke off again, shaking her head. This was the wrong place, the wrong time, probably the wrong person to be voicing all of this too, and there was a part of her screaming about how fucking much she was going to regret this confession, this night that got quieter and quieter the more she drank and the longer she actually let the words run free.
"There's this recurring shitty brain fuck you thought about Wade coming back and him and Ange and Doug pulling Amanda into their little trio fine while I get pushed aside because what does Doug need me for anymore when he's got Wade to get his memes and all three of them to get all their little in-jokes that the long timers have or have sex and being intimate and it's completely unreasonable right up until it's not so some nights I just stare at the ceiling while that circles in my head with things that are maybe more reasonable yelling from the sidelines like what if Ange tells him he needs to die or do something horrible to himself again is he even going to think about me before he does it because we both know he'll do it and then there's the even worse thoughts about how could I possibly compete with his literal Queen but hey the sex is really good and the banter is even better and he and Matt are cool about me snuggling up to both of them at the same time so I really can't complain that I keep ending up in situations where I feel like the second choice but also I'd be right beside Ange or Em if someone was dumb enough to hurt him and stick around for it because I'm ass over teakettle for him and I'd be devastated if he decided it was too much or not enough and walked away. I'd recover eventually because I always do but I'm pretty sure it'd break something in me that couldn't be fixed. Sometimes I wish I could just do the whole no strings sex everyone's fuckbuddy thing and it be enough but really I'm stupid and just want to be someone's first thought sometimes ugh you must be regretting this so much with your stupid hot everything and that judgey eyebrow that I can feel you giving me and just-" She'd been drinking steadily as she talked, and as she finally ran out of words she drained the last bit of her glass, braced herself on Kevin's knee as she leaned forward, and set the glass on the table, watching it teeter for a moment before settling with a soft thump.
Kevin shifted the glass so it was safe and motioned to Hector for the glass of water he'd already prepared. "You're wrong on one thing. I'm not judging you, Lewis. Believe me, even I have a certain level of hypocrisy which I can't scale when relationships are involved. But I can tell you've wanted to say this to someone for awhile now."
"You mean the whole thing where if you just treat us like assets it won't hurt as much when we die? Or that you're somehow incapable of squishy emotions or not worth being loved?" She poked him in his side, wiggling under his arm until she was leaning comfortably against his side. "I'm onto you, mister. But talk to me about your relationship hypocrisy. I want to know everything."
"I have had two major romantic relationships in my life, both of which I ended up not being able to do what was necessary to make them work. With my wife, it was kids. Not really my fault, but it was what it was. And then Mary, who while she was hurting, I had to be too clever by half trying to avoid sacrificing anything, and ended up with her legitimately believing I'd betrayed and abandoned her. So giving anyone relationship advice or judging their relationships, considering my own failings, would be laughably arrogant." He said with a half shrug and a drink.
"That's sad." Darcy couldn't quite articulate more, but - "Letting her go so she could have that life was probably the kindest thing you could have done for her," she said quietly. "And Mary... you'll have to tell me that story, I don't know it. But I know it's hard to try and juggle everything you don't want to lose sometimes."
"It's complicated, like all of yours. Lewis, I didn't ask you that question because I wanted to out you. I asked because I wanted you to be honest with yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or feels. It's about what makes you happy. And they seem to make you happy."
Darcy flung her hand out in an approximation of conducting, drawing out "In vino veriiiiii -" before breaking off with a jaw-cracking yawn. "I'm drunk, take me to bed. Home. Both."
Kevin had already slipped a credit card that wasn't paid for by him to the bar and helped her up. "You good for the next few steps?"
She swayed slightly as she stood, taking a wobbly step or two. "Maybe I'll just hold on a little bit." Her hands slipped around his waist as she shuffled along behind him, giving Hector a wave and blowing the bar area a kiss as they headed to the front. "Night Hector, hope all of you get the good tips!" she called out as the door opened, brisk fall air making her shiver and blink as they stepped outside. Her face brushed against his cardigan as she turned her face away from the wind. "I was right. This cardigan is amazing, all warmth and softness and smelling like you," she mumbled into his back.
"So when things start going missing from my closet, I know who is the one stealing them?" He said, waiting for the car he'd ordered.
"Jus' gonna make you wear 'em more, 's too big for me. Maybe Nora's sweaters." Darcy leaned heavily against Kevin as they waited. "Skirts or dresses wouldn't work right in length, even if the chest fit, so it'll have to be sweaters. Bet they feel even softer."
"I do own a few proper cashmere sweaters." Kevin waved as the car approached and as it stopped, he eased Darcy in before sliding in next to her.
She fumbled her seatbelt into place as he got seated, leaning back into the seat with her eyes closed. "Yours? I'd need a belt, wear them with my sparkly leggings and boots. Arms would still be too long, but I like that." She giggled as the thought came to her. "Boyfriend sweater."
"I'm your third stop for those, Lewis." Kevin gave her a fond smile, recognizing that he was taking her home but not the one to really take her home.
Darcy shook her head, eyes slitting open just enough to catch the smile directed her way. "Nuh-uh, first for sweaters. Steal a hoodie from Matt sometimes. Doug is button downs from work, open. Maybe a tie. Pretty heels to gild the lily." Her smile was small, but content. "Sweater, belt, that's for being in public."
His bark of laughter made her jolt for a moment. "Fair enough. You know, I think they work hard to live up to dating you."
"You think so? I try to be easy-going. Take me out sometimes, spend time with me, talk shit out, mutually delightful orgasms. Feed me, share some banter. Don't be weird about Helga's, don't ask questions about my job you don't want the answers to. The minefields of trauma make it a little harder. We all have demons."
Kevin captured her chin in his hands. "You want a lot and you miss a lot. Are you confident enough for a real estimate of things?" he asked.
Darcy almost wanted to squirm away from the question, but she held still, meeting his gaze just this short of defiant. "Go ahead, give me both barrels."
"You are worth being loved. You are also damaged which means that you may never be loved in the way you think you want. But, we're all broken in some ways and what you currently have might be actually what you need. Let yourself love in the moment without an eye towards the exit in case you might get hurt. If something happens, there's people who will help you get back up. Trust them for that and let it help you be brave." A smile quirked the corner of his mouth. "Thus endeth the lesson. If you remember in the morning."
"Not that drunk," she murmured, wrapping her hands around his and giving them a squeeze. Acknowledgement and thanks, even though she felt terribly exposed after hearing him say all that. "You are too, you know. Even if you don't want it, even when it's horribly uncomfortable." She pulled their hands down as the taxi came to a stop, sliding out after Kevin and leaning heavily against him as he paid the driver. She was pleasantly warm from the alcohol in a way she'd probably regret almost as much in the morning as the spilling of drunk truths, but she let herself enjoy the last few moments of their outing.
