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[x-dazzler.livejournal.com]

In which things are not so easy for Alison and Sam, as they are for Piotr and Warren...

Monday, very late at night

Eyes closed, Alison took deep even breaths - enjoying the feel of the wind on her skin, the night air blessedly cooler than it had been earlier in the day. Yep. Meditating outside was a brilliant idea. Something crawled on her leg, taking it's time as it refused to go around the obstacle in its path. Don't move. Ew. Maybe not so good and idea. It better just be an ant or something. Am so not looking.

Another breath saw her calmer again, and she straightened her back slightly - the wind ruffled her hair again and she smiled faintly, goose bumps playing across her shoulders and down her spine briefly. Gradually her focus narrowed, until there was only the wind playing about the field and the steadiness of her breathing.

Sam was lost in his thoughts, a circle of what-ifs and I-should-haves, with liberal dashes of what-is-wrong-with-mes as he trudged across the paddock. He tried to breathe in the breeze and the smell of the horses and let it calm him, but very little seemed to be working. He could feel his fretting deep in his bones, and wondered if all this angst all of a sudden wasn't going to be bad for his health. Like pushing a horse much too far when it hadn't been trained up. With that thought in mind, he began pacing in the field until he stumbled, almost literally, upon Alison.

Lost in meditation, Alison nearly jumped out of her skin as Sam's boot brushed against her knee, letting out a startled gasp. Looking up she blinked, trying to make out his features in the dark. With a faint feeling of annoyance at herself for not thinking of it right away she simply started to glow faintly, just enough to illuminate his features without totally destroying what night vision he'd have acquired while trudging in the darkness.

The haunted look in his eyes caused her to scramble to her feet, reaching out for him in concern. "Sam," she whispered worriedly, "what's wrong, love?"

Sam looked up dully at Alison, mind fogged with his own not-so-pleasant thoughts. "Hmm? Oh, hi Ali. Nothing. Nothing, I'm fine..." I may not know anything about girlfriends, but if there is one thing you don't talk about with them, it is the gorgeous Russian you're still stuck on and his gorgeous boyfriend who insists on making your life hell.

'Oh, hi'? It is not glee to see me, is - oh no... I know that look. A feeling of foreboding slowly crawled through her as she called up her very best 'this is me being calm' smile for him. You're just being paranoid. Have a little faith in him, honestly. "You don't look to happy," she just said, reaching out slowly to touch his cheek.

Not pulling away, but also not truly acknowledging her touch, Sam sighed heavily. "Mmm, I'm not really," he intoned, looking up at the stars and then out at the horses, obviously not very receptive.

Looking down, Alison let her hand fall down slowly to her side. "Oh," was the quiet response. Ice inched steadily down her spine, as the pleasant night breeze suddenly turned chilly and unwelcoming. Piotr wanted to talk to him earlier. He's only ever looked like this when it was about... him. I'm so very stupid. How could I think... She clenched her teeth briefly, and looked out at the field, making sure she was out of his field of vision as he looked at anything but her.

"Wish I could make it better," she whispered.

Sam looked at her out of the corner of his eye, suddenly aware that he was probably ripping her heart out and trampling on it without even thinking about it. "Me too...but...I just." He plunked down in the grass, head in his hands and legs tucked up under him. "I can't make these thoughts get out of my head! As much as I want to just...stop caring...I..." He sighed, rolling over onto his back, looking up at Alison from the ground. "I can't."

Nodding to herself, Alison took a deep breath, gazing up at the stars for a moment - at least while she was looking at the stars, he couldn't see the look in her eyes. Know exactly how his words were affecting her. Once she was certain she has herself under control again she let the glow about her die out completely. Some things are better left in the dark, I guess.

Sitting down near him, she leaned back on her elbows, looking ahead in the night.

"I don't know if I can make that better, Sam." She tilted her head to the side, letting the wind blow her hair gently, kindly hiding her face.

"I mean. Now you have to deal with it, too. And that ain't fair. I know how it feels." He turned towards her, propping himself up on his elbow. "Alison, I don't... I mean. I've got you now, so I don't... need that. But." Biting his lip he decided to whine to her, even though he'd promised himself he wouldn't. "I could handle it and it wouldn't be so bad if it were just Piotr not wanting me; we could still be friends and it'd be fine. But Warren... whenever I'm around Piotr, Warren gets so... weird. Possessive. He does... things... almost on purpose like. So I can see. Like he's taunting me or something. And I just." He let out an exasperated growl, hitting the ground with his fist. "It makes me feel so goddamn awful."

Not fair. Bitterness rose from deep within, coiling inside her gut and making her nauseous. Oh you're right, love. This isn't fair. I can't be your girlfriend one moment, then nurse you over Piotr the next. You shouldn't be asking that of me. I don't want to be the fucking consolation prize.

Moving slowly, she pushed away from the ground and leaned forward, wrapping her arms around her legs. Took another steady, even breath.

"What do you want, Sam?"

He stared off into the darkness, his voice a hoarse whisper. "I want all the shit to go away. I want to be the way I used to be. I don't like being upset, or jealous, or depressed, or angry. The last time I was anything other than happy was when I left home, and that's just 'cause I was gonna miss my family. Now. God help me. In the past month, I've just had to deal with stuff I never wanted to every have to deal with. It would be okay if it weren't so new and scary to me. Alison, the one thing I'm frightened of more than anything else is love. Falling in love with other people and having people love me. The only people I've ever loved my whole life before I came here were my family. And now I love people who aren't my family. I don't have blood ties to anyone. We don't have to get along, and we don't have to see each other every day if we don't want to and there's no Momma forcing us to get along. So I can lose people. I can lose people I love, and that...I don't want that. I want everything to stay the same. Alison, I just..." He sat up, reaching a tremulous hand out to her shoulder. "I don't know what to do anymore."

The touch on her shoulder warmed her ever so slightly and unable to do anything but reach back, she allowed herself to tilt towards him, hoping to hide the tears on her cheeks. Curling up tightly against his side as his arm wrapped around her shoulders, she fought for control, refusing to break into outright sobbing. "You do what the rest of us do, love. You accept that there are things you can't control, that sometimes people can hurt you so very badly without ever meaning to." Oh yeah. Watch me do it, too. "Change is a part of life, Sammy. People come into your life, and sometimes they go out of it. You hope they change you for the better and never go, or leave something wonderful to remember them by if it's meant that they leave... but you can never know. That's life," she whispered, voice faltering over the last words. "You hang on to the good as best as you can, and you hope."

Sam tightened his arms around Alison, feeling as though he'd drop off the face of the planet if he ever let go. He let her words sink in, silent for long minutes. He finally spoke again, a whisper by her ear. "Alison. I love you. You're not... you're not my second choice. If things worked the other way around for me, it'd be just as bad. I'd be just as heartbroken. If not more."

A faint sob finally escaped her, and she clung to him desperately, fitting herself against him even closer as she drew an arm around him. Overwhelming relief at what he'd just said, fear that she still was the second choice, hope that it would work out and everything would be fine no matter what all warred within her. Unspoken.

"Love you too," she managed to utter, the words muffled against his chest as she trembled against him. Don't think I've ever been so scared in my life as I am now.

Holding her close, feeling the shudders through her body, Sam pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'm sorry. I know apologizing won't help, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for doing this to you and I'm sorry for being such a horrible person and you deserve so much better than me... I'm sorry you love me. But I'm not sorry I love you, and... and we'll make it work. I just need to stop being stupid and... And. Get over myself. We'll... We'll be fine." He takes a quavering breath, letting his fingers stroke her back in small circles.

"Not horrible," Alison managed to croak though the tears, and smacked his shoulder fiercely. "Never say that." Blind and dumb as a post about some things yes, but not horrible. She wisely chose to keep that thought to herself. "M'not sorry I love you," she paused, taking a short breath in between sobs, "and you better not be sorry you love me." She finally looked up at him, warmth seeping through her as he stroked her back slowly.

Sam said nothing, letting the silence speak as he kissed her gently, oh-so-tenderly on her up-turned lips, sliding a hand into hers, entwining their fingers.