Sam and Jay | Memories
Feb. 14th, 2024 10:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsHolidays are always harder when you're grieving. Jay turns to Sam for comfort.
Jay wandered into Sam's room, hand trailing across the wall. He didn't feel like he could trust himself to be alone. Even if he just went to sleep tonight, he felt like he wouldn't ever wake up. His throat was thick with unshed tears.
It was stupid, to let the time of year affect his grief so much. But... he should have been with her right now, or at least hearing her voice. And right now it even hurt too much to think of her name. Jay ran his fingers over the slowly fading scar on his chest.
He nudged Sam's sleeping body. "Scoot over."
Sam blinked away and looked at Jay through weary eyes. "Hmm?" he asked, eloquently. "'s everythin' okay?"
"Jes' scoot," Jay said, shoving at Sam. He was a lot heavier than when they were kids. He hoped Sam wouldn't be able to catch how lost he felt from his face. "I'm sleeping here tonight."
Sam immediately scooted over and opened his blankets for Jay to crawl under. "Jay.....it's okay to talk about her."
Jay crawled under the quilt and in exchange covered Sam with his wing. He was silent for a long moment. "She liked today 'cause it was a holiday she didn't have to spend with her family. And we'd drive out as far as we could and go dancing. She loved to dance-" He stopped talking when the tears started to come. He still couldn't say Julia's name. He shoved his teary face into Sam's shoulder, not wanting to face his own emotion.
Sam wrapped his arms around Jay and held him close, pressing his lips to his brother's hairline like he used to when they were little and Jay's nightmares would wake him up. "I got ya." He whispered. "I wish I'd gotten to know her better. Did ya go dancin' with music playin from the truck? Or did ya go to actual places to dance?"
"Mostly the first," Jay mumbled into Sam. "Second when we could. Made a point of it on special days like today. She-" he cut himself off again and wrapped his wing tighter around Sam. It was easy to forget, something, it was another limb. Other times it was impossible to forget. "I miss her. I'm sorry."
“Ain’t no reason to be sorry.” Sam whispered, rubbing Jay’s back. “You never told me how you two started dating….. I’m….. sorry if me bein’…how I am, made that harder for you than it shoulda been.”
Jay just nodded, face fully against his older brother as he tried to blink away his tears. "Ain't your fault," is all he said even if maybe it sort of was part of the reason he had been so hesitant to introduce Julia to the family for so long.
“No…..I didn’t help none…. And I know she was scared to meet me…..I’m sorry I made things harder for y’all. I shoulda….. I wish I’d known so I coulda helped……” What could he have even done to help? From so far away? And with how angry he’d been for so long? It didn’t matter though, he’d have done anything for Jay. Still would.
"Jes' stop talking. No use in it, not gonna change nothing." Jay turned his face from Sam, but his grip on Sam's shirt and his wing tightly over Sam"s back gave away that he still wanted his brother, even if he didn't want to hear anything else Sam had to say. If anything, he moved himself to be smaller in Sam's arms like when he was a child.
Sam nodded, not wanting to upset Jay further and pulled his little brother closer. He gently scratched his fingers over Jay's scalp, the way Daddy used to when they'd needed calmed down. Once he felt Jay's breathing start to even out he quietly whispered. "Love you Joshie."
Jay let himself be small and safe in his older brother's arms. His throat was too wet to let him speak without feeling like he was choking but he nodded against Sam and hoped he got the message.
Jay wandered into Sam's room, hand trailing across the wall. He didn't feel like he could trust himself to be alone. Even if he just went to sleep tonight, he felt like he wouldn't ever wake up. His throat was thick with unshed tears.
It was stupid, to let the time of year affect his grief so much. But... he should have been with her right now, or at least hearing her voice. And right now it even hurt too much to think of her name. Jay ran his fingers over the slowly fading scar on his chest.
He nudged Sam's sleeping body. "Scoot over."
Sam blinked away and looked at Jay through weary eyes. "Hmm?" he asked, eloquently. "'s everythin' okay?"
"Jes' scoot," Jay said, shoving at Sam. He was a lot heavier than when they were kids. He hoped Sam wouldn't be able to catch how lost he felt from his face. "I'm sleeping here tonight."
Sam immediately scooted over and opened his blankets for Jay to crawl under. "Jay.....it's okay to talk about her."
Jay crawled under the quilt and in exchange covered Sam with his wing. He was silent for a long moment. "She liked today 'cause it was a holiday she didn't have to spend with her family. And we'd drive out as far as we could and go dancing. She loved to dance-" He stopped talking when the tears started to come. He still couldn't say Julia's name. He shoved his teary face into Sam's shoulder, not wanting to face his own emotion.
Sam wrapped his arms around Jay and held him close, pressing his lips to his brother's hairline like he used to when they were little and Jay's nightmares would wake him up. "I got ya." He whispered. "I wish I'd gotten to know her better. Did ya go dancin' with music playin from the truck? Or did ya go to actual places to dance?"
"Mostly the first," Jay mumbled into Sam. "Second when we could. Made a point of it on special days like today. She-" he cut himself off again and wrapped his wing tighter around Sam. It was easy to forget, something, it was another limb. Other times it was impossible to forget. "I miss her. I'm sorry."
“Ain’t no reason to be sorry.” Sam whispered, rubbing Jay’s back. “You never told me how you two started dating….. I’m….. sorry if me bein’…how I am, made that harder for you than it shoulda been.”
Jay just nodded, face fully against his older brother as he tried to blink away his tears. "Ain't your fault," is all he said even if maybe it sort of was part of the reason he had been so hesitant to introduce Julia to the family for so long.
“No…..I didn’t help none…. And I know she was scared to meet me…..I’m sorry I made things harder for y’all. I shoulda….. I wish I’d known so I coulda helped……” What could he have even done to help? From so far away? And with how angry he’d been for so long? It didn’t matter though, he’d have done anything for Jay. Still would.
"Jes' stop talking. No use in it, not gonna change nothing." Jay turned his face from Sam, but his grip on Sam's shirt and his wing tightly over Sam"s back gave away that he still wanted his brother, even if he didn't want to hear anything else Sam had to say. If anything, he moved himself to be smaller in Sam's arms like when he was a child.
Sam nodded, not wanting to upset Jay further and pulled his little brother closer. He gently scratched his fingers over Jay's scalp, the way Daddy used to when they'd needed calmed down. Once he felt Jay's breathing start to even out he quietly whispered. "Love you Joshie."
Jay let himself be small and safe in his older brother's arms. His throat was too wet to let him speak without feeling like he was choking but he nodded against Sam and hoped he got the message.
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Date: 2024-02-18 02:30 pm (UTC)A nice outpouring of emotions between brothers with Sam trying to bridge the gap. A lovely read, full of tiny little touches in mentions of gesture and movement.