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xp_logsSooraya explores her doubts and her future path with Jim.
"Del seems to be settling in, but... he's still dealing with a lot." Sooraya shook her head, aimlessly stirring the ginger tea with honey she had in front of her. "Everything that happened with his dad is only just scratching the surface. I just hope the right combination of things to help him can be found."
Jim took a sip of coffee and nodded. "You've given him the best start he could have, under the circumstances. I'm glad to see you're still following up with him. You've had a lot on your plate this summer."
"Just a quick check-in here and there... I can't help but feel kinda responsible for him." Sooraya admitted. "I know he reached out himself and his father did the experiments, but Dell's world did end up turning upside down. I can't do it for everyone... but this feels different..."
"It's good to know your limits. I speak from experience." The telepath set down his mug and studied the younger woman with his odd-colored eyes. "You're still following up with some of the people from July, too, aren't you?"
"One or two... the others have fizzled out a bit, though they still have my number and they know how to reach me if needed. Most of them have started finding their way again, so that gives me some hope for Dell as well." Sooraya added thoughtfully.
"I was seeing one of them for a while. It went as well as it could have, I guess, but after that he didn't want to stay in town. XFI connected him with some people who found him an area with a lower profile." Jim tilted his head. "Something else on your mind?"
Sooraya threw Jim a quick look, then shook her head as her lips curled into a smile. "That easy to read, am I?" She asked, the smile still playing around her lips.
The corner of Jim's mouth lifted in an answering half-smile. "Not when you aren't trying to hide it, anyway. What's up?"
Letting out a sigh, Sooraya shifted around a bit, trying to find a way she could be comfortable. "It feels kinda stupid." She finally admitted. "You know about the leadership training I've been doing on and off with Scott, right? And I do enjoy a lot of what I've learned and been learning, even piloting the jet... But something also doesn't quite feel right to me."
Jim arched an eyebrow. "In what way?" he asked, leaning forward in his chair.
"After the mission with Del... I was on a call with Scott and the Hudsons to talk over the situation..." Sooraya fell silently, glancing up at Jim as something occurred to her. "You know who the Hudsons are, right?"
"I've never met them, but I've heard Garrison talk about them."
"It's actually not even that important..." Sooraya let out another small sigh. "I was part of that conversation and we were talking about the whole situation and everything that might be behind it, but... it all seemed so distant, away from the real people directly affected by it... like Del. I know it's not that black and white, but still..."
Jim nodded. "I think I know what you mean. You think about the human element, right? The part that can't really be accounted for in strategy meetings."
"Kinda yeah... but not completely..." Sooraya fell silent, thinking. Finally she admitted quietly: "I just don't think I can detach myself that much..."
The coffee mug circled slowly between Jim's hands. "That's not necessarily a bad thing," said the counselor, thoughtful. "Personal question: why did you want to become a field leader?"
"Hmm, it started as a way to challenge myself, keep sharp and learn new skills... things I'd also could use for things in the Underground if something went sideways. And it did... I learned a lot and to be honest, I enjoyed it a lot." She explained after a moment of thought.
Jim nodded. "It was a challenge, and it gave you skills you could apply in areas beyond the obvious. But here's another question: is leading something you want to do?"
Sooraya was quiet again, this time for a while longer. "Does it sound very weird if I say up to a point?"
"No." The older man sat back in his chair. The fingers of one hand beat a single, soundless drum against the tabletop between them.
"You can have the capacity to do something without being personally suited for it," he said, watching her closely. "Even if you understand the necessity. For you . . . if I had to guess, I'd say maybe you don't find it as easy to put aside the personal impact, like how a decision is going to affect individuals, and focus on the impersonal, like the big picture maneuvers that can't happen without someone inevitably losing something because of it. Something like that?"
"Kinda..." Sooraya fell silent once more as she searched for the words. "With up to a point... I mean.. leading a team or a smaller mission, that I'd like to keep doing, keep learning about. There I don't lose that connection with the people involved so much. But the 'big picture stuff', somehow I do."
The older man nodded again. "I think," he ventured, "that sometimes there's this idea that progression in any field is linear. But what people see as the next logical step isn't necessarily where you want to be, because it doesn't match your priorities. It's important to be able to look at what you actually want rather than what you think you should." Jim gave her another lopsided smile. "Basically, it seems like you enjoy positions that involve working with people more."
"Dealing with a situation from a bird's eye view isn't really what I want, no." Sooraya acknowledged. "Sure, it's important to be able to do it in bits and pieces, but not as a primary role."
"It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of what you want, then." Jim studied her. "Is something bothering you about that?"
Sooraya's mouth quirked: "Not looking forward to telling Scott that I don't want to continue on this path? He has invested a lot of time." Shaking her head for sec, she added: "I can kinda see what the pieces are of what I want. Just not sure how to combine them yet."
That got a snort. "Trust me, Scott will be nothing but happy you're not pushing yourself down a path you don't want to walk. Especially not this one." The telepath sat back in his chair and away from the gently cooling mug of coffee between them. "Besides, that time wasn't wasted. The sort of work you're drawn to, the smaller scale . . . that's also important. Knowing someone is making sure the human element doesn't get lost is part of what enables the big picture people to do what they have to do. The skills are complimentary."
"In my work with the Underground and in DX I've noticed it's good to have a sense of the big picture... knowing how my smaller projects work 'to contribute to improving the welfare of the community' is important. I don't think that is anything different with the X-men... have a bit of sense of the larger picture while leading sub-teams or smaller missions sounds good, maybe try to find a way what I had with Del and the ferals we rescued to my role within in the X-men as well..." Sooraya tried to organize her thoughts out loud. "Maybe that is the human element you mention."
"The stuff with Del and the abductees could be looked at as a form of victim services," Jim pointed out. "Not directly providing them, I mean, but either connecting them with resources or putting them in touch with people who can. God knows we run into enough situations where people could use it, especially if there aren't any obvious community resources. You already do something like that through the community center. Easy to bring experience in one area to the other."
"It all kinda comes back to helping people in a concrete way, doesn't it?" She mused out loud. "I think I need to talk to Scott first before I really consider what steps are next."
"You've always been helping people in a concrete way. It's just down to figuring out your way." The older man smiled. "I'd say a conversation with Scott couldn't hurt. Who knows, you might fill a niche we didn't even know was vacant."
"Not just with Scott maybe. Folks like Marie and Kurt might also have some insights to offer here, I think." Sooraya nodded relieved as some idea of the next step forward started to form in her mind.
"Del seems to be settling in, but... he's still dealing with a lot." Sooraya shook her head, aimlessly stirring the ginger tea with honey she had in front of her. "Everything that happened with his dad is only just scratching the surface. I just hope the right combination of things to help him can be found."
Jim took a sip of coffee and nodded. "You've given him the best start he could have, under the circumstances. I'm glad to see you're still following up with him. You've had a lot on your plate this summer."
"Just a quick check-in here and there... I can't help but feel kinda responsible for him." Sooraya admitted. "I know he reached out himself and his father did the experiments, but Dell's world did end up turning upside down. I can't do it for everyone... but this feels different..."
"It's good to know your limits. I speak from experience." The telepath set down his mug and studied the younger woman with his odd-colored eyes. "You're still following up with some of the people from July, too, aren't you?"
"One or two... the others have fizzled out a bit, though they still have my number and they know how to reach me if needed. Most of them have started finding their way again, so that gives me some hope for Dell as well." Sooraya added thoughtfully.
"I was seeing one of them for a while. It went as well as it could have, I guess, but after that he didn't want to stay in town. XFI connected him with some people who found him an area with a lower profile." Jim tilted his head. "Something else on your mind?"
Sooraya threw Jim a quick look, then shook her head as her lips curled into a smile. "That easy to read, am I?" She asked, the smile still playing around her lips.
The corner of Jim's mouth lifted in an answering half-smile. "Not when you aren't trying to hide it, anyway. What's up?"
Letting out a sigh, Sooraya shifted around a bit, trying to find a way she could be comfortable. "It feels kinda stupid." She finally admitted. "You know about the leadership training I've been doing on and off with Scott, right? And I do enjoy a lot of what I've learned and been learning, even piloting the jet... But something also doesn't quite feel right to me."
Jim arched an eyebrow. "In what way?" he asked, leaning forward in his chair.
"After the mission with Del... I was on a call with Scott and the Hudsons to talk over the situation..." Sooraya fell silently, glancing up at Jim as something occurred to her. "You know who the Hudsons are, right?"
"I've never met them, but I've heard Garrison talk about them."
"It's actually not even that important..." Sooraya let out another small sigh. "I was part of that conversation and we were talking about the whole situation and everything that might be behind it, but... it all seemed so distant, away from the real people directly affected by it... like Del. I know it's not that black and white, but still..."
Jim nodded. "I think I know what you mean. You think about the human element, right? The part that can't really be accounted for in strategy meetings."
"Kinda yeah... but not completely..." Sooraya fell silent, thinking. Finally she admitted quietly: "I just don't think I can detach myself that much..."
The coffee mug circled slowly between Jim's hands. "That's not necessarily a bad thing," said the counselor, thoughtful. "Personal question: why did you want to become a field leader?"
"Hmm, it started as a way to challenge myself, keep sharp and learn new skills... things I'd also could use for things in the Underground if something went sideways. And it did... I learned a lot and to be honest, I enjoyed it a lot." She explained after a moment of thought.
Jim nodded. "It was a challenge, and it gave you skills you could apply in areas beyond the obvious. But here's another question: is leading something you want to do?"
Sooraya was quiet again, this time for a while longer. "Does it sound very weird if I say up to a point?"
"No." The older man sat back in his chair. The fingers of one hand beat a single, soundless drum against the tabletop between them.
"You can have the capacity to do something without being personally suited for it," he said, watching her closely. "Even if you understand the necessity. For you . . . if I had to guess, I'd say maybe you don't find it as easy to put aside the personal impact, like how a decision is going to affect individuals, and focus on the impersonal, like the big picture maneuvers that can't happen without someone inevitably losing something because of it. Something like that?"
"Kinda..." Sooraya fell silent once more as she searched for the words. "With up to a point... I mean.. leading a team or a smaller mission, that I'd like to keep doing, keep learning about. There I don't lose that connection with the people involved so much. But the 'big picture stuff', somehow I do."
The older man nodded again. "I think," he ventured, "that sometimes there's this idea that progression in any field is linear. But what people see as the next logical step isn't necessarily where you want to be, because it doesn't match your priorities. It's important to be able to look at what you actually want rather than what you think you should." Jim gave her another lopsided smile. "Basically, it seems like you enjoy positions that involve working with people more."
"Dealing with a situation from a bird's eye view isn't really what I want, no." Sooraya acknowledged. "Sure, it's important to be able to do it in bits and pieces, but not as a primary role."
"It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of what you want, then." Jim studied her. "Is something bothering you about that?"
Sooraya's mouth quirked: "Not looking forward to telling Scott that I don't want to continue on this path? He has invested a lot of time." Shaking her head for sec, she added: "I can kinda see what the pieces are of what I want. Just not sure how to combine them yet."
That got a snort. "Trust me, Scott will be nothing but happy you're not pushing yourself down a path you don't want to walk. Especially not this one." The telepath sat back in his chair and away from the gently cooling mug of coffee between them. "Besides, that time wasn't wasted. The sort of work you're drawn to, the smaller scale . . . that's also important. Knowing someone is making sure the human element doesn't get lost is part of what enables the big picture people to do what they have to do. The skills are complimentary."
"In my work with the Underground and in DX I've noticed it's good to have a sense of the big picture... knowing how my smaller projects work 'to contribute to improving the welfare of the community' is important. I don't think that is anything different with the X-men... have a bit of sense of the larger picture while leading sub-teams or smaller missions sounds good, maybe try to find a way what I had with Del and the ferals we rescued to my role within in the X-men as well..." Sooraya tried to organize her thoughts out loud. "Maybe that is the human element you mention."
"The stuff with Del and the abductees could be looked at as a form of victim services," Jim pointed out. "Not directly providing them, I mean, but either connecting them with resources or putting them in touch with people who can. God knows we run into enough situations where people could use it, especially if there aren't any obvious community resources. You already do something like that through the community center. Easy to bring experience in one area to the other."
"It all kinda comes back to helping people in a concrete way, doesn't it?" She mused out loud. "I think I need to talk to Scott first before I really consider what steps are next."
"You've always been helping people in a concrete way. It's just down to figuring out your way." The older man smiled. "I'd say a conversation with Scott couldn't hurt. Who knows, you might fill a niche we didn't even know was vacant."
"Not just with Scott maybe. Folks like Marie and Kurt might also have some insights to offer here, I think." Sooraya nodded relieved as some idea of the next step forward started to form in her mind.
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Date: 2024-11-30 06:06 pm (UTC)