When the marbles get loose...

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

In which Kitty had added one too many marbles to the scales and they all got away from poor Em. Paige manages to herd some back together. Afternoon some time after classes.

Em threw the door to her shared room open so hard that it bounced back at her and she kicked it viciously, slamming it aside long enough to get in. She carelessly pitched a stack of textbooks, her laptop, and her headphones onto the bed on her way to the bathroom where she closed that door with a crash and cranked the cold water in the sink onto full. Ripping off her gloves, she cupped her hands under the water and threw it into her face, trying to calm her nerves.

Blinking in shock, Paige stared at the closed door that her roommate had disappeared through, her book still open in her lap. She wasn't exactly sure what she had just witnessed, but it was certainly something new. Rogue was nothing but an icy calm or rarely a verbal spitfire, but this was very unlike her. Marking her place in her text she slid off her bed, quietly advancing to their shared bathroom.

"Umm… Marie? Are you all right in there?" she asked after her little knock on the door.

With her head under the tap, soaking her hair in water so cold her head was throbbing, she hardly heard Paige's voice. Sometimes, just sometimes, she wanted a room to herself so much she could taste it. Just somewhere that no one could find her. All right? It made her laugh and before she knew it she was sitting on the bathroom floor, dripping, half between laugher and sobs.

"Oh, yeah.." she managed to get out. "Just.. just fine.."

She could hear chokes behind the door, sounds that didn't oppose her already rising doubt.

Biting her lip hard for a moment, Paige finally got out, "Marie, may I come in please?"

"Oh, hell..." She leaned back against the bathtub, trying to either stop laughing or crying. Pick one, you idiot, she told herself angrily. "Paige... I'm fine. I'm... really. Nothing's wrong." She put her head in her head in her hands and willed herself to disappear. Funny. If Kitty'd been wrong, if things had screwed up, she really would be able to sink through the floor. The responsible voice in the back of her head said she should get up and turn the water off. The rest of her head was scattered in a hundred directions and wouldn't come back.

Opening the door silently, the blonde stepped into the room, eyes sad and even hurt. She moved to the sink, turning off the water before turning around and settling beside Marie, legs tucked under her.

"Just fine, huh? Do you always try to flood the mansion when you're just fine?"

"N-no," she tucked her bare hands between her knees. "Usually settle for less drama. Sorry... just. It all just got away from me there for a minute. Doesn't usually happen." She tried to slow her breathing down without much success. "It's pass. Nothing's really wrong that's not always wrong, okay?"

"Just because it's always wrong doesn't make it less important," Paige replied calmly, brushing the sleeves of her pullover down to her wrists if only in respect and trying to smile. "But you must excuse me, I'm new here, so what's this ever present problem that will pass? Quick! Before it passes!"

Em sighs and reaches up to the counter, fumbling for her gloves. She manages to find them and begins to work her wet hands into them. "I'm just tired. That can be fixed with a little sleep. And Kitty did something stupid that scared me, because she could have hurt herself and it'd have been me hurting her. It... it was just one of those stupid things, you know? Hit a sore spot. I don't want to hurt anyone. Scares me. I just want to be able to relax about it. Not think about it. I try not to. Most days I manage."

Stretching, Paige snapped up one of the towels and handed it over to her. "Try this, works better, chickpea." Her voice was not condescending but pleasant and a little teasing. "Now. I'm not going to pretend that I can fully understand what you're going through and I hope you respect me for not trying. I can tell you, however, that all of us are frightened, at some levels, of our mutations. You just get to be a little more than most people. You're doing a very good job at pretending you're not, though, and living your life. Which I admire."

She took the towel and used it to wipe her face where a few hot tears had mixed with the cold water. "I'm not a kid, Paige. I know we're all scared sometimes. And no, people don't get to understand what I'm going through. No one knows any story but their own and all that. I just don't want to hurt anyone again, at least not anyone I care about." She sighed heavily. "I try not to get into the angst. It does no good and most of it's pretty mundane and time-wasting. There's no sense wallowing, y'know? It's best to just get on with the work. That's all I'm doing."

"I agree in that wallowing is a waste of time, but perhaps you're pushing it a little too far as of late? It's getting to the point where you're not even feeling anymore, Marie. It's got me worried. And don't tell me not to worry about you, or it's not my job to worry about you or even that there's nothing to worry about. I'm sure you used to smile and you don't anymore." Paige tilted her head, trying to catch her eye. "I want to know your story, Em."

She sighed and looked over at Paige. "It's not just my story, Paige. And the parts that hurt, those aren't mine to talk about it. I'm pushing it as far as I can because that's all I have." She dropped her eyes. "Besides... It's all pretty humiliating. I think that's the best word for it. And believe me, I haven't quit feeling. I feel all the time. If I could quit feeling, I think it would be pretty bad for everyone. Even if it would be a relief."

Paige nodded slowly, realization hitting her full in the face. "But are you happy anymore? It's not enough to just feel sometimes."

Em shook her head. "No. No, I'm not. I keep thinking it'll come back, but it's not. It's always been hard enough to hold onto and now I can't even touch it anymore. You know all that crap about broken hearts?" She bit her lip. "I think mine just took one too many cracks. But there's nothing to do about it, really. And I can't afford another. So I'll just keep going." She put her hands on the edge of the tub behind her and pushed herself up to sit on the edge. "I'm still here. That's something."

"Something very impressive I'd say." Paige pulled herself up with the towel bar, stretching her arms over her head before offering her hand to the fellow girl from the South with a silly sort of grin. "I have a jar of glue in my desk. If nothing else, it'll get us out of this cold bathroom. C'mon."

"Given my tendancy to hit the road, it is." Em looked at Paige's hand for a long moment and then took it to pull herself to her feet. "Don't know if glue's going to help. Unless it's at least forty-proof..." She gave Paige a crooked smile.

"Two brilliant southern gals? I'm sure we can scrounge something up, Belle." Grinning, Paige crooked her finger in an invitation to follow and led them out of the bathroom.

"Heh... John used to tease me about being from the south. Though he used to call me Scarlet. I kinda miss him." She walked over to her closet and opened it up. "Look... I'm sorry for being such a crap roommate. I just really don't want to be friends with anyone. Even this is pushing it for me." She pulled off her wet gloves and replaced them with a dry pair.

"Hey, you're not a crap roommate. My siblings? They were crap roommates. You're gold. You don't abuse my books." Hopping onto her bed she pulled her plush rabbit from her pillow and hugged it to her chest. "But you know, if you ever change your mind on the whole friend thing, I'm here for you."

"That's decent of you." She started to brush out her hair. "Everyone here... I don't know how they do it, y'know? They all seem to fit together. And me... I guess I don't. I just don't have the happy, that's all. And I don't want to. And no one seems to get that. It would just be fake and it'd make me tired."

"Decent and true, Marie. Remember that."