Amanda, Manuel - Monday afternoon
Aug. 16th, 2004 02:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsFollowing this thread Amanda joins Manuel in the rec room for poker and talk. After a shaky start, they make some progress in resolving what happened in Asgard, and strip poker in Manuel's room is proposed. However, just as things are about to get interesting, Amanda gets Madelyn's email and has to go.
Manuel sat behind the card table, shuffling the cards almost idly while his brain raced. He had reached a sort of detente with his past and his fears, but Nathan's little psionic assault down in the Gym had restirred the pot. He really didn't like the image of Amanda with Angelo - the doctors and Alphonso he had made peace with, but he never could accept her friendship with the Mexican.
Probably because he kept thinking that she was sleeping with him - which he knew in his mind was absurd, but the nasty broken parts of his brain wouldn't let it go. They crooned to him when he wasn't paying attention, urging him to just fix it, make the problem go away.
"Hey," Amanda's voice came softly from the open door. it wasn't often she could sneak up on him, not with his power and the link, but he was obviously distracted. "You doin' all right? Things're a bit... noisy in here." She tapped the back of her head, where she felt the link was.
Manuel looked up at Amanda and smiled. "Yeah, sorry about that." he said with an apologetic grin. "I'm trying not to let it bleed over, but today's been a little rough that way." He stood up and motioned to the available chair. "Please, come in, sit down." he said. He was wearing the same black-and-red silk shirt that he wore for his photo shoot - unbuttoned all the way, because he knew she'd like it.
And she did appreciate the shirt, but she clamped down on the spike of arousal, remembering that had been when Things Went Horribly Wrong in Asgard, her wanting him. Instead she came and sat almost sedately at the seat he offered, consciously making an effort not to chew her fingernails. Her hair was still blonde - she was waiting until the after-party to dye it, since glamours were always a little iffy on her and she was going to be doing several for the rest of the students. "I'd ask how yer've been, but I'm gettin' most of that any way," she said, toying with one of the chips from the stack in front of her seat, flipping it through her fingers like she would a coin, making it disappear and reappear by sleight-of-hand, not magic. "Which leaves me sittin' here not sure what t' say, really."
Manuel smiled and dealt the cards. "I'm OK, actually." he said with a slight shrug. "I've got bad memories, yes, but they don't rule me." He picked up his cards, glanced at them, then put them back down on the table, facedown, in favor of looking at something far more appealing - Amanda. "Did you have a good time clubbing?"
A smile crossed her face, and she relaxed visibly. "Yeah," she said. "Was just what I needed, an' Sarah seemed t' have fun too. She's been in that bloody basement way too long. Too bad you missed it - the local lads had their tongues hangin' out over the pair of us dancin' together. Shinobi don't dance so much, so he likes t' watch." She tucked her hair back behind her ears - and yes, a cut was definitely in order soon, before it drove her crazy - and looked up from the chip she was playing with to find Manuel's eyes fixed on her. "Yeah, ain't had time t' change the hair back. Sorry."
"Don't be." he said dismissively, then shoved a goodly number of chips her way. He shoved an equal number towards him, leaving a small pile unallocated. "It's actually pretty nice on you. I could get used to it." he said with a faint smirk. "Please tell me you're not going to throw the dress out."
"You might be able t' get used t' it, but I can't." She didn't mention the memories evoked everytime she looked in the mirror, memories of both Rack and Amora. Covering her momentary discomfort with an eyeroll and a grin, she said, mock-heavily: "No, I ain't throwin' the dress out. Could come in handy next time there's a fancy dress thing goin' on. Just don't expect me t' wear it 'round the place - thing's bloody heavy, an' awkward like you wouldn't believe."
Manuel grinned. "That's actually good news. Now maybe I can pass a dress shop while we're out together without you sticking your tongue out and dragging your heels. And maybe, just maybe, if I'm _really_ good I can get you to go inside with me." he said with the faintest hint of a leer. He felt her discomfort, but let it pass - after all of _his_ bad memories, he could hardly begrudge her hers. He picked up his cards again, and tossed a chip into the open space between them with a practiced flick of his fingers. "The dress looked good on you, bad feelings or no. The longer styles can cover what you want covered but still look pretty hot. And they're not all heavy and scratchy."
Amanda picked up the cards he'd dealt, contemplating them a moment before flipping a chip of her own in, and then another. "See you an' raise you," she said, with the fainstest of smirks. "An' we'll see. I was brainwashed into wearing the last one, remember? It don't mean I'm gunna go all girly now." She pondered the cards in her hands, obviously thinking. "Unless... unless it's important t' you," she said at last.
Manuel's eyebrows attempted to merge in with his hairline. "That's definitely true." he said with a laugh, but his emotions indicated disappointment. "And I don't want you to be anyone other than who you are." he said seriously. "If that means more baggy T-shirts and jeans, then it's baggy T-shirts and jeans, and that's all there is to it." He pondered his cards, then threw in a chip. "See your raise." he said, returning the slight smirk to his face.
"'M workin' on it, all right? 'S just... After I got away from Rack, I wanted t' be as different from the person I was then as I could. An' it feels... safe. Strong. I do the girly thing, I'm just bein' what people want me t' be, an' it don't feel right." Amanda frowned at the back of Manuel's cards, trying to decide whether he was bluffing or not. "See you," she said at last, flipping another chip in, but deciding not to raise. She hadn't played with him before, and she needed to sound out his style first with a couple of cautious hands. "But I have t' admit, sometimes I wish..." She stopped, blushing, then made herself go on. "Sometimes I wish I could wear that stuff, an' not look stupid," she admitted.
Manuel looked at Amanda, and then dropped his eyes to his cards. "You don't look stupid - you just never had a mother or the right set of friends to show you _when_ and _how_ to wear it. The clothes themselves look fine on you - it's the scowl, the crossed arms, and the Doc Martens that spoil it." he said in a fit of honesty, then shifted slightly in his chair. "You can't relax when you wear pretty things because you aren't comfortable wearing them - you feel like you're betraying yourself, like you're lying." He looked at his cards, and then at the pot. "Call, I believe the English word is."
"Two pair," Amanda said, laying her cards down to show two twos and two sevens. She nodded. "That's exactly it - 's like lyin' t' meself. An' maybe I'll get better at it eventually - have to, if I'm gunna be hangin' 'round with you any amount of time, I s'pose - but it's gunna take time."
Manuel shook his head. "I've got crap." he said, tossing his cards onto the table. "The point is not to get better about lying to yourself. The point is to maybe raise your comfort levels to the point where looking and acting feminine isn't necessarily a dealbreaker." he said, with a tiny bit more heat than he had intended. "If I have learned _anything_ from Loki, from the Askani, and from Samson, it's that lying to yourself is fundamentally a Bad Idea. You're not a psi, you can probably get away with it for a little longer, but it _always_ comes back to bite you in the end. The more you do it, the harder the bite."
Raising her eyebrows at his vehemence, Amanda nodded. "I s'pose yer right," she said slowly, pulling the small pile of chips towards her and reaching for the cards to begin shuffling them. "'S just... seems like all me life I've had someone tellin' me how t' be, an' I dunno what the real me is any more. The Enchantress just reminded me of that - she made me her toy, an' I didn't hardly break a sweat resistin' her." Looking down, she focussed on the cards she was shuffling, her hands moving automatically. "Hidin's always worked for me before."
Manuel shook his head. "Listen to me - like I have any right to tell _anyone_ how to live their life. And I do understand about not knowing who the real you is - I used to live behind the Mirror, blinded by it." He paused for a second, and then continued. "Ever wish things could be different?"
"Every day," Amanda said quietly, her face hidden by the curtain of blonde hair that slipped forward as he head bowed. "I know there's nothin' t' be t' change it, but every time I look in a mirror, or get one of me headaches, or just don't know what the fuck people're talkin' about when they talk about shows on the telly or books an' stuff. All I ever wanted was t' be a normal girl, like the ones I went t' school with." She shook her head, disgusted. "An' if wishes were horses..." With short, sharp, movements, she dealt the next hand of cards. "You just have t' deal with what you get."
"Suppose so." he said quietly, then he picked up his cards to look at them. "It's not too late, you know. I'm trying - I'd be willing to try with you." he said, rearranging his cards to be more to his liking. He reached down to his stack of chips, grabbed a handfull, and tossed them in. "I'm in." he said, looking straight at Amanda.
There was more here than he was saying, she knew that. Biting her lip, Amanda looked at her cards, not seeing them through the sudden blurring of her vision. "So am I," she said, adding to the pot. She looked up at him. "'M sorry. For everythin'."
Manuel smiled softly at Amanda. "Quit apologizing. If you start, then I'll start, and then we'll be here _all day_ blubbering all over each other and saying "I'm sorry" in about twelve different languages and then they'll lock us BOTH away as _complete_ nutters and that really doesn't fit in with my life goals." he said with a grin. He stood up, then walked over to where Amanda sat to kneel down beside her, to put himself on her level. "I know things have been shit lately. But we have a good thing here." he said, taking one of her hands in both of his.
The link opened up as he took her hand, and she shivered at the strength of the emotions coming down it. "No more apologisin'," she agreed, reaching out with her free hand to brush her fingertips across his face.
Manuel leaned into the touch, savoring that which he hadn't been permitted to remember during his stay on Asgard. "Do you know that he took my memory of you?" he said quietly. "It made me too stubborn, too difficult. But even with all of his power, he couldn't take it entirely. I kept seeing flashes, little bits and pieces here and there. I even wrote them down and drew them - you would laugh, I'm a terrible artist." he said with a chuckle. "I had to leave them behind - it was too dangerous to take them on my journey to the Enchantress's keep."
Shame flushed her face. "I didn't even have that," she said softly, almost too softly to be heard. "I should've... If I was gunna remember anythin', it shoud've been you." A brief memory, of talking to the girl she later discovered had been Illyana. "The Bottomless Pit of Brighton," she recalled with a faint smile. "I remembered that, dunno why."
Manuel smirked. "Hey, at least it was _something_." he said. "When you cried I wiped away all of your tears. Do you remember that?" he asked softly, cupping her chin so she couldn't look away from him.
"Remember it? I can _play_ it now, tho' me singin's still pretty rough." Her skin tingled where he touched her face, and she shivered again. "Fuck, I missed you."
"I used to sit, late at night, with cracked ribs and sore muscles, and just play it on an imaginary piano. Just those few lines, over and over again. I knew they were important, I _knew_ it, but I couldn't think of why." he admitted. He leaned forward and stole a short tender kiss from her before standing back up and flopping back into his own chair. He took a deep breath, and then released it. "So - you doing anything later today?" he said with a slight smile and a glint (non-red) in his eye. "Because my day is totally free, and I think that I could really use a quiet afternoon in. Remind myself just what it is that I have to lose."
"I've got nothin' planned," Amanda said. "Besides beatin' yer arse at poker, that is." A wicked grin crossed her face. "I think we can come up with somethin' t' keep ourselves entertained."
Manuel grinned back. "It is my choice, of my own free will, and I choose to spend it with you." he said, looking at the cards. "Strip poker?" he said with great amusement. "Or should we just can the preliminaries and get right down to the good stuff?" He steadfastly was ignoring the dark part of his brain screaming at him, and keeping it off the link as best he could.
"Sometimes the preliminaries are just as fun." Amanda could sense a certain... hesitation in him, something he was keeping from her, and she wanted to go as slowly as he needed, even if she wanted to have him then and there on the rec room table, passersby be damned. "Strip poker sounds like fun, tho' it's probably best we go back t' yer room. We wouldn't want t' scar Miles or Artie for life, would we?"
"Artie, maybe. I understand Miles has grown up a good bit." he said, grinning. "But you're probably right." He grabbed the deck of cards, and gestured in the direction of his room extravagantly. "After you." he said with a grin. "I am going to quite literally beat the pants off of you."
"Promises, promises," she laughed, giggling some more as Manuel pinched her on the rear as she went past him. "Especially when yer the one walkin' around half-naked already."
"I don't feel you complaining too much. Besides, you probably need the head start." he said, putting a slow strut into his walk, showing off his new physique for her amusement. Still, the dark parts of his brain screamed, and the silly grin on his face never touched his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you that the Spanish Armada rules Brittania?"
"That was a fluke." Amanda could feel fragments of disquiet, of something not right, and reached over to take his hand, the gesture more friendly than sexy. "An' yer've not seen me playin' proper, yet."
Manuel grinned, and conceded the point. "Perhaps." he said, then walked into his room after Amanda. "Hey, I've got a question for you. Do you have any spells that allow dreamsharing, or anything like telepathy?" he asked, too-casually. "Or do you think that you could magically kick the link up to thoughts?"
She frowned, unsure of why he was asking the question. "I dunno..." she replied slowly, thinking. Taking a seat in his desk chair, she rocked it back and forth. "I mean, 's possible, that's part of the stuff Strange does, but he hasn't taught me that yet. It'd be dangerous - if somethin' went wrong, I could get stuck." But then again, she had used the link to cast the binding spell, so all things were possible. "Why d'you ask?"
Manuel shook his head. "Just having an argument with myself, so I thought I'd try to settle it once and for all. Looks like that's not going to happen, and I don't trust any of the telepaths here enough to do it for me. There is a part of me, an aspect of my personality, that is still very upset about Asgard. I've tried reasoning with it, I've tried threatening it, and I thought I had come to some sort of an arrangement - until Nathan stirred everything up when he showed me that image of you and Angelo fucking." he said, careless of his words. "If I could bring you into my mind, show that part of me that it's not like that, that you didn't do it just because you wanted a nice obedient sex puppet, it would shut the fuck up and I could enjoy pleasing you until you summon demons again." he said with a mostly-successful imitation of his really naughty leer.
"Nathan did what?" Amanda frowned, deeply disturbed. "Why the fuck would he do somethin' like that?" She wasn't sure what to say about the rest, wasn't really sure what she could say that would set his fears at rest. Except perhaps... She'd see what had happened first.
"We were sparring. I dragged a finger across his link to Moira, and he took it badly. I'm a stronger psi than he is, and he wasn't using telekinesis, so he hit me with stuff he _knew_ would cause me to just absolutely lose it." he said, bringing his knees up to under his chin. "You, my father, the asylum. If he hadn't stopped things when he did, one of the both of us would probably be dead right now." he said calmly. "But that's not the point. The point is that the suspicious parts of me just latched onto that and my reaction to that, plus Asgard, and they just _will not shut up_ about it."
"When I said don't knock each other about too much, I meant with the fists..." Amanda sighed, realising just how out of hand things must have gotten for Nathan to do that. "I don't know how t' let you know you can trust me again," she went on. "I've told you I didn't do it t' hut you, that I wouldn't've taken advantage of you like that, but those're just words, they don't mean anythin'. Maybe if I could show you..." Hesitantly, she looked at him. "When you possessed me at Columbia, you knew what I'd been thinkin', right?"
"It's not that I don't trust you! I do!" he protested. "You ever have that little voice in the back of your head that tells you that it's all going to go wrong?" he said, grasping for a way to explain it. "And no, actually, I couldn't tell what you were thinking during Columbia." he said. "I _know_ you did what you did because it was the right thing to do - it saved me, it saved us _both_, and that there was no way we could have fought and lived. I _know_ this. But there's a part of me that's not listening. Motherfucker, now I've gone and killed the goddamned mood..." he said, grinding his teeth together.
"I know what yer tryin' t' say, believe me, I know better 'n most 'bout that little voice inside yer head that tells you yer worthless an' you don't deserve anythin' good happenin'. Mine sounds just like Rack, an 'believe me, I've done everythin' I can t' shut it up. Why d'you think I get so bent out of shape over Jubilee? I know you care 'bout me, that she's just a friend t' you, but that little voice keeps tellin' me she's better 'n me an' always will be." She was straying from the point, and Manuel didn't deal so well with comparisons, she knew that. "An' yer little voice is focussin' on that 'cause it's yer sensitive spot. I don't know how t' shut it up, but I'm willin' t' let you do whatever it takes. As long as it takes." She wanted to get up and go to him, but it was important that she not, that he listen to her instead of his suspicions. "Even if it means lettin' you use yer powers on me t' show that part of yer head I'm tellin' the truth."
"She's not better than you are. She's not even in the same country of being as good as you are." he said carefully. "She's cute and she's friendly, and she gets me up to speed on American culture. That's _all_. Well, she's also got the screaming hots for me, but I'm used to that." he smirked. "And I know you're not lying to me. I've seen the truth of it. I don't need to scan you, or question your word to me. There's no reason to question." he said, shaking his head. "Dammit. All I wanted was to see you again, for us to be the way we were before all of this -shit- happened." He moved over to where she stood, and looked into her eyes. "It's so loud because it doesn't believe that I deserve anything good." he said quietly.
"I think you do," Amanda told him, taking his hands tightly in hers. "An' if I'm that somethin' good, then I ain't goin' anywhere." Something else hovered on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't say it, not even now. Not even when he needed her to. "I want t' be with you," she settled for instead. "An' if it means we have t' take things slow, knock some sense into both our skulls, then I'm willin' t' do that."
It was a word he desperately needed to hear, and when he felt it but didn't hear it, some of the light went out of his eyes. Just a little. The physical contact sent his empathic talent into a higher gear - he could see _everything_ she felt, in crystal-clear color. Threads and all. The ones between them, the link and others, pulsed a warm red-gold in time with her heartbeat. Closing his eyes, he leaned forward to kiss her gently.
'Sorry love,' she thought; it was all she could give him, that last little part of her still holding back, afraid of being hurt. She returned the kiss, softly at first, not touching him anywhere else except for her grip on his hands, letting him set the pace, as he needed to do.
His pace was slow and tender today, judging by the length of the kiss. When he finally broke it, he actually grinned at her. "Well whaddya know. Libido took Suspicion and dragged him out back for a thumping." he said with a smirk. "Gotta love it when that happens. Now, sit your bony butt in that chair right there, because _we_ have a card game to play." he grinned, dragging a highly distracting fingertip down her jawline.
"Bully for Libido, then," she said, chuckling, even as his touch on her jaw meant for a lot of very pleasant but highly distracting feelings. "Mind if I quickly check me email? Shinobi's on a mission, an' I was wonderin' if he's back yet."
"Be my guest. You've got an account on my laptop, so don't log me off, OK?" he said, motioning towards his Mac. He busied himself shuffling the cards and thinking very, very lewd thoughts about Amanda, not bothering to hide them from the link at _all_.
"I think Libido gave Suspicion more 'n just a thumpin'," Amanda joked, wriggling in her chair a little as she quickly logged on and scanned the list of email. "An' I don't think that one's poss..." Her voice trailed off as she came across an email from Doctor Bartlett. "Fuck. Oh bloody buggering shite," she breathed. "I've got t' go."
Manuel felt the change in her mood _instantly_. "What's wrong?" he asked, standing up to move over to see his laptop.
"The mission... Somethin' went wrong, an' they need help in medlab. Christ, Bartlet asked _me_ t' help, an' she never does that." She got to the last line and looked up at Manuel. "I've got t' get down there, soon as I grab me stuff. You won't say anythin'? They want it quiet for now."
Manuel sighed, and then nodded. "I'll keep it quiet." he said. "Go."
Amanda got up, pressing a quick kiss to Manuel's cheek. "Ta, Manny. Hopefully it won't be long, yeah? I'll come find you when I'm done, promise." She couldn't disguise the disquiet she felt. Something was definitely Wrong. "We can do this later. We've got plenty of time."
Manuel nodded. "We do at that. Come back up when you free up."
Manuel sat behind the card table, shuffling the cards almost idly while his brain raced. He had reached a sort of detente with his past and his fears, but Nathan's little psionic assault down in the Gym had restirred the pot. He really didn't like the image of Amanda with Angelo - the doctors and Alphonso he had made peace with, but he never could accept her friendship with the Mexican.
Probably because he kept thinking that she was sleeping with him - which he knew in his mind was absurd, but the nasty broken parts of his brain wouldn't let it go. They crooned to him when he wasn't paying attention, urging him to just fix it, make the problem go away.
"Hey," Amanda's voice came softly from the open door. it wasn't often she could sneak up on him, not with his power and the link, but he was obviously distracted. "You doin' all right? Things're a bit... noisy in here." She tapped the back of her head, where she felt the link was.
Manuel looked up at Amanda and smiled. "Yeah, sorry about that." he said with an apologetic grin. "I'm trying not to let it bleed over, but today's been a little rough that way." He stood up and motioned to the available chair. "Please, come in, sit down." he said. He was wearing the same black-and-red silk shirt that he wore for his photo shoot - unbuttoned all the way, because he knew she'd like it.
And she did appreciate the shirt, but she clamped down on the spike of arousal, remembering that had been when Things Went Horribly Wrong in Asgard, her wanting him. Instead she came and sat almost sedately at the seat he offered, consciously making an effort not to chew her fingernails. Her hair was still blonde - she was waiting until the after-party to dye it, since glamours were always a little iffy on her and she was going to be doing several for the rest of the students. "I'd ask how yer've been, but I'm gettin' most of that any way," she said, toying with one of the chips from the stack in front of her seat, flipping it through her fingers like she would a coin, making it disappear and reappear by sleight-of-hand, not magic. "Which leaves me sittin' here not sure what t' say, really."
Manuel smiled and dealt the cards. "I'm OK, actually." he said with a slight shrug. "I've got bad memories, yes, but they don't rule me." He picked up his cards, glanced at them, then put them back down on the table, facedown, in favor of looking at something far more appealing - Amanda. "Did you have a good time clubbing?"
A smile crossed her face, and she relaxed visibly. "Yeah," she said. "Was just what I needed, an' Sarah seemed t' have fun too. She's been in that bloody basement way too long. Too bad you missed it - the local lads had their tongues hangin' out over the pair of us dancin' together. Shinobi don't dance so much, so he likes t' watch." She tucked her hair back behind her ears - and yes, a cut was definitely in order soon, before it drove her crazy - and looked up from the chip she was playing with to find Manuel's eyes fixed on her. "Yeah, ain't had time t' change the hair back. Sorry."
"Don't be." he said dismissively, then shoved a goodly number of chips her way. He shoved an equal number towards him, leaving a small pile unallocated. "It's actually pretty nice on you. I could get used to it." he said with a faint smirk. "Please tell me you're not going to throw the dress out."
"You might be able t' get used t' it, but I can't." She didn't mention the memories evoked everytime she looked in the mirror, memories of both Rack and Amora. Covering her momentary discomfort with an eyeroll and a grin, she said, mock-heavily: "No, I ain't throwin' the dress out. Could come in handy next time there's a fancy dress thing goin' on. Just don't expect me t' wear it 'round the place - thing's bloody heavy, an' awkward like you wouldn't believe."
Manuel grinned. "That's actually good news. Now maybe I can pass a dress shop while we're out together without you sticking your tongue out and dragging your heels. And maybe, just maybe, if I'm _really_ good I can get you to go inside with me." he said with the faintest hint of a leer. He felt her discomfort, but let it pass - after all of _his_ bad memories, he could hardly begrudge her hers. He picked up his cards again, and tossed a chip into the open space between them with a practiced flick of his fingers. "The dress looked good on you, bad feelings or no. The longer styles can cover what you want covered but still look pretty hot. And they're not all heavy and scratchy."
Amanda picked up the cards he'd dealt, contemplating them a moment before flipping a chip of her own in, and then another. "See you an' raise you," she said, with the fainstest of smirks. "An' we'll see. I was brainwashed into wearing the last one, remember? It don't mean I'm gunna go all girly now." She pondered the cards in her hands, obviously thinking. "Unless... unless it's important t' you," she said at last.
Manuel's eyebrows attempted to merge in with his hairline. "That's definitely true." he said with a laugh, but his emotions indicated disappointment. "And I don't want you to be anyone other than who you are." he said seriously. "If that means more baggy T-shirts and jeans, then it's baggy T-shirts and jeans, and that's all there is to it." He pondered his cards, then threw in a chip. "See your raise." he said, returning the slight smirk to his face.
"'M workin' on it, all right? 'S just... After I got away from Rack, I wanted t' be as different from the person I was then as I could. An' it feels... safe. Strong. I do the girly thing, I'm just bein' what people want me t' be, an' it don't feel right." Amanda frowned at the back of Manuel's cards, trying to decide whether he was bluffing or not. "See you," she said at last, flipping another chip in, but deciding not to raise. She hadn't played with him before, and she needed to sound out his style first with a couple of cautious hands. "But I have t' admit, sometimes I wish..." She stopped, blushing, then made herself go on. "Sometimes I wish I could wear that stuff, an' not look stupid," she admitted.
Manuel looked at Amanda, and then dropped his eyes to his cards. "You don't look stupid - you just never had a mother or the right set of friends to show you _when_ and _how_ to wear it. The clothes themselves look fine on you - it's the scowl, the crossed arms, and the Doc Martens that spoil it." he said in a fit of honesty, then shifted slightly in his chair. "You can't relax when you wear pretty things because you aren't comfortable wearing them - you feel like you're betraying yourself, like you're lying." He looked at his cards, and then at the pot. "Call, I believe the English word is."
"Two pair," Amanda said, laying her cards down to show two twos and two sevens. She nodded. "That's exactly it - 's like lyin' t' meself. An' maybe I'll get better at it eventually - have to, if I'm gunna be hangin' 'round with you any amount of time, I s'pose - but it's gunna take time."
Manuel shook his head. "I've got crap." he said, tossing his cards onto the table. "The point is not to get better about lying to yourself. The point is to maybe raise your comfort levels to the point where looking and acting feminine isn't necessarily a dealbreaker." he said, with a tiny bit more heat than he had intended. "If I have learned _anything_ from Loki, from the Askani, and from Samson, it's that lying to yourself is fundamentally a Bad Idea. You're not a psi, you can probably get away with it for a little longer, but it _always_ comes back to bite you in the end. The more you do it, the harder the bite."
Raising her eyebrows at his vehemence, Amanda nodded. "I s'pose yer right," she said slowly, pulling the small pile of chips towards her and reaching for the cards to begin shuffling them. "'S just... seems like all me life I've had someone tellin' me how t' be, an' I dunno what the real me is any more. The Enchantress just reminded me of that - she made me her toy, an' I didn't hardly break a sweat resistin' her." Looking down, she focussed on the cards she was shuffling, her hands moving automatically. "Hidin's always worked for me before."
Manuel shook his head. "Listen to me - like I have any right to tell _anyone_ how to live their life. And I do understand about not knowing who the real you is - I used to live behind the Mirror, blinded by it." He paused for a second, and then continued. "Ever wish things could be different?"
"Every day," Amanda said quietly, her face hidden by the curtain of blonde hair that slipped forward as he head bowed. "I know there's nothin' t' be t' change it, but every time I look in a mirror, or get one of me headaches, or just don't know what the fuck people're talkin' about when they talk about shows on the telly or books an' stuff. All I ever wanted was t' be a normal girl, like the ones I went t' school with." She shook her head, disgusted. "An' if wishes were horses..." With short, sharp, movements, she dealt the next hand of cards. "You just have t' deal with what you get."
"Suppose so." he said quietly, then he picked up his cards to look at them. "It's not too late, you know. I'm trying - I'd be willing to try with you." he said, rearranging his cards to be more to his liking. He reached down to his stack of chips, grabbed a handfull, and tossed them in. "I'm in." he said, looking straight at Amanda.
There was more here than he was saying, she knew that. Biting her lip, Amanda looked at her cards, not seeing them through the sudden blurring of her vision. "So am I," she said, adding to the pot. She looked up at him. "'M sorry. For everythin'."
Manuel smiled softly at Amanda. "Quit apologizing. If you start, then I'll start, and then we'll be here _all day_ blubbering all over each other and saying "I'm sorry" in about twelve different languages and then they'll lock us BOTH away as _complete_ nutters and that really doesn't fit in with my life goals." he said with a grin. He stood up, then walked over to where Amanda sat to kneel down beside her, to put himself on her level. "I know things have been shit lately. But we have a good thing here." he said, taking one of her hands in both of his.
The link opened up as he took her hand, and she shivered at the strength of the emotions coming down it. "No more apologisin'," she agreed, reaching out with her free hand to brush her fingertips across his face.
Manuel leaned into the touch, savoring that which he hadn't been permitted to remember during his stay on Asgard. "Do you know that he took my memory of you?" he said quietly. "It made me too stubborn, too difficult. But even with all of his power, he couldn't take it entirely. I kept seeing flashes, little bits and pieces here and there. I even wrote them down and drew them - you would laugh, I'm a terrible artist." he said with a chuckle. "I had to leave them behind - it was too dangerous to take them on my journey to the Enchantress's keep."
Shame flushed her face. "I didn't even have that," she said softly, almost too softly to be heard. "I should've... If I was gunna remember anythin', it shoud've been you." A brief memory, of talking to the girl she later discovered had been Illyana. "The Bottomless Pit of Brighton," she recalled with a faint smile. "I remembered that, dunno why."
Manuel smirked. "Hey, at least it was _something_." he said. "When you cried I wiped away all of your tears. Do you remember that?" he asked softly, cupping her chin so she couldn't look away from him.
"Remember it? I can _play_ it now, tho' me singin's still pretty rough." Her skin tingled where he touched her face, and she shivered again. "Fuck, I missed you."
"I used to sit, late at night, with cracked ribs and sore muscles, and just play it on an imaginary piano. Just those few lines, over and over again. I knew they were important, I _knew_ it, but I couldn't think of why." he admitted. He leaned forward and stole a short tender kiss from her before standing back up and flopping back into his own chair. He took a deep breath, and then released it. "So - you doing anything later today?" he said with a slight smile and a glint (non-red) in his eye. "Because my day is totally free, and I think that I could really use a quiet afternoon in. Remind myself just what it is that I have to lose."
"I've got nothin' planned," Amanda said. "Besides beatin' yer arse at poker, that is." A wicked grin crossed her face. "I think we can come up with somethin' t' keep ourselves entertained."
Manuel grinned back. "It is my choice, of my own free will, and I choose to spend it with you." he said, looking at the cards. "Strip poker?" he said with great amusement. "Or should we just can the preliminaries and get right down to the good stuff?" He steadfastly was ignoring the dark part of his brain screaming at him, and keeping it off the link as best he could.
"Sometimes the preliminaries are just as fun." Amanda could sense a certain... hesitation in him, something he was keeping from her, and she wanted to go as slowly as he needed, even if she wanted to have him then and there on the rec room table, passersby be damned. "Strip poker sounds like fun, tho' it's probably best we go back t' yer room. We wouldn't want t' scar Miles or Artie for life, would we?"
"Artie, maybe. I understand Miles has grown up a good bit." he said, grinning. "But you're probably right." He grabbed the deck of cards, and gestured in the direction of his room extravagantly. "After you." he said with a grin. "I am going to quite literally beat the pants off of you."
"Promises, promises," she laughed, giggling some more as Manuel pinched her on the rear as she went past him. "Especially when yer the one walkin' around half-naked already."
"I don't feel you complaining too much. Besides, you probably need the head start." he said, putting a slow strut into his walk, showing off his new physique for her amusement. Still, the dark parts of his brain screamed, and the silly grin on his face never touched his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you that the Spanish Armada rules Brittania?"
"That was a fluke." Amanda could feel fragments of disquiet, of something not right, and reached over to take his hand, the gesture more friendly than sexy. "An' yer've not seen me playin' proper, yet."
Manuel grinned, and conceded the point. "Perhaps." he said, then walked into his room after Amanda. "Hey, I've got a question for you. Do you have any spells that allow dreamsharing, or anything like telepathy?" he asked, too-casually. "Or do you think that you could magically kick the link up to thoughts?"
She frowned, unsure of why he was asking the question. "I dunno..." she replied slowly, thinking. Taking a seat in his desk chair, she rocked it back and forth. "I mean, 's possible, that's part of the stuff Strange does, but he hasn't taught me that yet. It'd be dangerous - if somethin' went wrong, I could get stuck." But then again, she had used the link to cast the binding spell, so all things were possible. "Why d'you ask?"
Manuel shook his head. "Just having an argument with myself, so I thought I'd try to settle it once and for all. Looks like that's not going to happen, and I don't trust any of the telepaths here enough to do it for me. There is a part of me, an aspect of my personality, that is still very upset about Asgard. I've tried reasoning with it, I've tried threatening it, and I thought I had come to some sort of an arrangement - until Nathan stirred everything up when he showed me that image of you and Angelo fucking." he said, careless of his words. "If I could bring you into my mind, show that part of me that it's not like that, that you didn't do it just because you wanted a nice obedient sex puppet, it would shut the fuck up and I could enjoy pleasing you until you summon demons again." he said with a mostly-successful imitation of his really naughty leer.
"Nathan did what?" Amanda frowned, deeply disturbed. "Why the fuck would he do somethin' like that?" She wasn't sure what to say about the rest, wasn't really sure what she could say that would set his fears at rest. Except perhaps... She'd see what had happened first.
"We were sparring. I dragged a finger across his link to Moira, and he took it badly. I'm a stronger psi than he is, and he wasn't using telekinesis, so he hit me with stuff he _knew_ would cause me to just absolutely lose it." he said, bringing his knees up to under his chin. "You, my father, the asylum. If he hadn't stopped things when he did, one of the both of us would probably be dead right now." he said calmly. "But that's not the point. The point is that the suspicious parts of me just latched onto that and my reaction to that, plus Asgard, and they just _will not shut up_ about it."
"When I said don't knock each other about too much, I meant with the fists..." Amanda sighed, realising just how out of hand things must have gotten for Nathan to do that. "I don't know how t' let you know you can trust me again," she went on. "I've told you I didn't do it t' hut you, that I wouldn't've taken advantage of you like that, but those're just words, they don't mean anythin'. Maybe if I could show you..." Hesitantly, she looked at him. "When you possessed me at Columbia, you knew what I'd been thinkin', right?"
"It's not that I don't trust you! I do!" he protested. "You ever have that little voice in the back of your head that tells you that it's all going to go wrong?" he said, grasping for a way to explain it. "And no, actually, I couldn't tell what you were thinking during Columbia." he said. "I _know_ you did what you did because it was the right thing to do - it saved me, it saved us _both_, and that there was no way we could have fought and lived. I _know_ this. But there's a part of me that's not listening. Motherfucker, now I've gone and killed the goddamned mood..." he said, grinding his teeth together.
"I know what yer tryin' t' say, believe me, I know better 'n most 'bout that little voice inside yer head that tells you yer worthless an' you don't deserve anythin' good happenin'. Mine sounds just like Rack, an 'believe me, I've done everythin' I can t' shut it up. Why d'you think I get so bent out of shape over Jubilee? I know you care 'bout me, that she's just a friend t' you, but that little voice keeps tellin' me she's better 'n me an' always will be." She was straying from the point, and Manuel didn't deal so well with comparisons, she knew that. "An' yer little voice is focussin' on that 'cause it's yer sensitive spot. I don't know how t' shut it up, but I'm willin' t' let you do whatever it takes. As long as it takes." She wanted to get up and go to him, but it was important that she not, that he listen to her instead of his suspicions. "Even if it means lettin' you use yer powers on me t' show that part of yer head I'm tellin' the truth."
"She's not better than you are. She's not even in the same country of being as good as you are." he said carefully. "She's cute and she's friendly, and she gets me up to speed on American culture. That's _all_. Well, she's also got the screaming hots for me, but I'm used to that." he smirked. "And I know you're not lying to me. I've seen the truth of it. I don't need to scan you, or question your word to me. There's no reason to question." he said, shaking his head. "Dammit. All I wanted was to see you again, for us to be the way we were before all of this -shit- happened." He moved over to where she stood, and looked into her eyes. "It's so loud because it doesn't believe that I deserve anything good." he said quietly.
"I think you do," Amanda told him, taking his hands tightly in hers. "An' if I'm that somethin' good, then I ain't goin' anywhere." Something else hovered on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't say it, not even now. Not even when he needed her to. "I want t' be with you," she settled for instead. "An' if it means we have t' take things slow, knock some sense into both our skulls, then I'm willin' t' do that."
It was a word he desperately needed to hear, and when he felt it but didn't hear it, some of the light went out of his eyes. Just a little. The physical contact sent his empathic talent into a higher gear - he could see _everything_ she felt, in crystal-clear color. Threads and all. The ones between them, the link and others, pulsed a warm red-gold in time with her heartbeat. Closing his eyes, he leaned forward to kiss her gently.
'Sorry love,' she thought; it was all she could give him, that last little part of her still holding back, afraid of being hurt. She returned the kiss, softly at first, not touching him anywhere else except for her grip on his hands, letting him set the pace, as he needed to do.
His pace was slow and tender today, judging by the length of the kiss. When he finally broke it, he actually grinned at her. "Well whaddya know. Libido took Suspicion and dragged him out back for a thumping." he said with a smirk. "Gotta love it when that happens. Now, sit your bony butt in that chair right there, because _we_ have a card game to play." he grinned, dragging a highly distracting fingertip down her jawline.
"Bully for Libido, then," she said, chuckling, even as his touch on her jaw meant for a lot of very pleasant but highly distracting feelings. "Mind if I quickly check me email? Shinobi's on a mission, an' I was wonderin' if he's back yet."
"Be my guest. You've got an account on my laptop, so don't log me off, OK?" he said, motioning towards his Mac. He busied himself shuffling the cards and thinking very, very lewd thoughts about Amanda, not bothering to hide them from the link at _all_.
"I think Libido gave Suspicion more 'n just a thumpin'," Amanda joked, wriggling in her chair a little as she quickly logged on and scanned the list of email. "An' I don't think that one's poss..." Her voice trailed off as she came across an email from Doctor Bartlett. "Fuck. Oh bloody buggering shite," she breathed. "I've got t' go."
Manuel felt the change in her mood _instantly_. "What's wrong?" he asked, standing up to move over to see his laptop.
"The mission... Somethin' went wrong, an' they need help in medlab. Christ, Bartlet asked _me_ t' help, an' she never does that." She got to the last line and looked up at Manuel. "I've got t' get down there, soon as I grab me stuff. You won't say anythin'? They want it quiet for now."
Manuel sighed, and then nodded. "I'll keep it quiet." he said. "Go."
Amanda got up, pressing a quick kiss to Manuel's cheek. "Ta, Manny. Hopefully it won't be long, yeah? I'll come find you when I'm done, promise." She couldn't disguise the disquiet she felt. Something was definitely Wrong. "We can do this later. We've got plenty of time."
Manuel nodded. "We do at that. Come back up when you free up."
