xp_logs | Nathan and Amanda, Sunday night (Reply)

Out for a very long run to try and wear himself out so that he'll sleep, Nathan runs into Amanda on the smoker's porch on his way back in. He gives her a pep talk. She actually listens.

He had lost track of how long he'd been out here. He'd ducked out shortly after dinner, when Moira had gone back down to the lab, thinking that a few laps of the ground would have to help tire him out. A 'few' laps had turned into... well, he wasn't sure just how many laps he'd done, and doing them at a flat run probably hadn't been such a great idea. Panting and drenched in sweat, every muscle in his body burning, Nathan finally turned back towards the mansion. Maybe a session with the punching bag, next. He was definitely getting tired of running.

There was only so long Amanda could stayed holed up in her room without needing a cigarette, especially when she was still in the active stages of drying out, so she had slipped out to the back porch for a quick fag or three. At the sight of Nathan virtually staggering up the path, she winced. Man was going to kill himself one day.

Nathan looked up, managing a smile for Amanda as he managed to reach the steps and sit down before his legs gave out. "~Hello, daughter,~" he said. "~We--I was out for a run.~"

Amanda raised an eyebrow at the Askani, and the pronoun slip. "~So I see,~" she replied in the same language. "~Maintaining fitness is one thing, but you look like you've been fleeing all the demons of hell.~" She flicked ash from her cigarette, careful to keep the smoke away from him. "Can't sleep?" she asked in English.

"Working on night number five," he wheezed, switching back to English, with some effort. The muscles in his bad leg started cramping and he rubbed at it, grimacing. "So I'm trying... the wearing myself out approach."

"I should be used t' you doin' the things the hard way, but 'm still gunna ask... You need help with that? 'Cause yer startin' t' slip again." Amanda was careful to keep her tone casual, without recriminations. And to keep a lid on the nagging cravings she was still getting. Nathan had enough to deal with on his own.

"I know I'm slipping." There was a stitch in his side, but he ignored it, letting his breathing stay shallow. "But the idea... of not being able to wake up scares the hell out of me. And I can't... no drugs, or potions, Amanda, not this weekend." He pushed sweat-soaked hair back from his forehead and grinned feebly at her. "I'm stubborn. We know this. How are you?"

"Okay. Had t' make the offer at least, since there ain't much else I can do t' help." She shrugged a little. "Fine. Not great, but not as bad as I was. 'M dealin', best I can." Stubbing out the cigarette half-smoked, she came and sat beside him on the step. "Think I made a bit of a Neville of meself on me journal."

Breathing was getting a little easier. This was good. "You're sensitive on the subject," Nathan said, "and those of us who were jumping in on the 'no' side didn't need to be jumping in, either." Given that Betsy hadn't actually been asking. He reached out, put an arm around her shoulders, glad when she didn't pull away. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I just hate the idea of you, or Angelo, or hell, anyone, half-killing yourself trying to make up for what's in the past. And I know I'm a big fat hypocrite, but like I said way back, I'm a good negative role model."

She nodded, not minding the general sweatiness in favour of the hug. "Got me on a bad night, too," she said with a sigh. "It seems like 'm tryin' so hard, an' not gettin' anywhere. Like goin' back on the magic again. Feels like I've let meself down. An' 'm tired of bein' a drain on the people 'round me, like Manny. He's tryin' so hard, an' 'm just a cranky bitch."

"Amanda, you've been through hell this summer," Nathan said with a sigh. "You're as bad at cutting yourself some slack as Jack keeps telling me that I am." He rubbed her back gently, hopefully soothingly, as she leaned against him. "You need a break is what you need," he said with a sigh of his own. "Pete said something to me about Romany having told you that you could go back to England for a bit. What about doing that?"

"Can't. Not 'til this groundin's finished, an' then there's school." Amanda closed her eyes as she leaned on Nathan's shoulder, relaxing a little at the touch on her back. "I can't let things slide again, not when I've come this far." She might have been talking about her schoolwork, or something else.

"~So you'll stand on the battle line until you break? No wonder he worries so much--~" Nathan stopped, shaking his head. "Well, you know, they have a point," he said with another sigh. "We've got to figure out a way to make it easier on you if you're going to stick it out."

"'S all me own fault, as Marko likes t' point out," she replied. "If I hadn't lost it at Lee, I wouldn't be in the state 'm in now. Strange was right - I need t' work on me control." Realising she wasn't doing much to be less of a burden to Nathan, she straightened slightly. "I'll manage. Things ain't as bad as they were."

Nathan left his arm around her shoulders, eyeing her. Between the lack of sleep and his mental state, his shields were riddled with holes, and that had come across all too clearly. "Oh, and all of the shit that left you open to being in that state in the first place was your fault, too?" he countered. "Come on, kiddo, don't bullshit me. And don't do the withdrawing thing, okay? I thought we agreed we were both going to try and stop doing that."

She blinked at him. "Fuck, I thought I was shieldin' better than that. Need t' keep practicin'," she muttered to herself. "Some of it was my fault," she pointed out. "The mess with Ange, the whole thing with Lee... An' no-one made me go back t' usin', I did that all by myself. Didn't ask for help when I should've." She bit her lip. "I don't want t' be a hassle, Nate. 'M tryin' t' let people help, but 's hard when I see you runnin' yerself into the ground. Yer've got enough on yer plate."

"There's plenty of blame to go around, Amanda, even in those cases. You don't have to take it all on yourself." He managed a ghost of a smile. "As for you being a hassle... I'm a huge hassle myself, you know. I'm not trying to be flippant, mi'caehla, but I just don't care. You could be ten times the hassle you are and that wouldn't change how I feel about you in the slightest."

"I know." Amanda took a breath, willing her thoughts to stop the spiral they kept falling into. "'M just bein' a dope." She leaned back against him, savouring the solid feel of his arm around her. "~I'm glad you're here, father,~" she added in Askani. It was easier, somehow, to say it in that language.

"Glad I'm here too," Nathan murmured, glad that he hadn't gone for the 'getting the hell out of Dodge' option tonight. "You know," he went on after a moment, "it's been more or less precisely a month since you saved my life? Not to mention Pete's?"

It took her a moment to realise what he meant. "I'd forgotten 'bout that part," she said with a small smile. "Like it better when you put it that way."

"Try to think of it that way," Nathan suggested. "If nothing else, it counterbalances a whole hell of a lot in terms of mistakes you may have made since."

She nodded. "'S funny how the bad stuff tends t' stick better 'n the good," she remarked. "I mean, I -know- I did good there, but it didn't seem t' matter when I was feelin' like a monster 'cause of Lee, y'know?"

Nathan straightened a bit, looking down at her with something close to real amusement. "You're asking me if I understand what it's like to get so focused on the bad that I don't see the good? Me?"

She laughed at that. "Thought I'd go t' the expert," she said, poking him slightly in the side.

"Good plan," he complimented her, reaching out and ruffling her hair. She made a face at him and he laughed, then levered himself to his feet, grimacing in real pain. His legs were rubbery, too, threatening to give out on him. "I need to... go find the punching bag or something. And I interrupted your nicotine break."

"What are you goin' t' do, fall on it 'til it begs for mercy?" she asked with a small snort. "Nate, I know you don't want t' sleep, but yer gunna do yerself an injury at this rate."

"I do want to sleep," Nathan corrected her with a helpless smile, leaning heavily against the railing for support. "That's the thing. And wearing myself out is the only way that's going to work." He shook his head. "No drugs or anything," he said more quietly. "Not tonight. I just can't."

She nodded. "I get you. Really. Just... 's hard t' watch you like this." A wry smile tugged at her mouth. "Guess 's the same thing I was doin' t' you lot. Just... be careful. Maybe get Alison t' sing you a lullaby or somethin'."

"She forced tea on me last night," he said dryly. "Offered the lightshow, again... if I'm not ready to drop after I'm done in the gym, I may take her up on it." He reached out and cupped her chin in one hand for a moment, smiling. "It's going to be okay, you know," he said quietly.

"'S what I keep tellin' meself. An' I believe it, most of the time." Her answering smile was tired, but a smile nonetheless. "An' same goes for you, too."

Nathan chuckled, then patted her on the cheek. "Go rot your lungs some more. I'm going to go finish running myself into the ground." He paused, then grinned. "If you're not busy tomorrow after classes, stop up by the suite. I'll haul Moira out of the lab and the three of us and Bella will do a movie or something."

"I'd like that," she said, the smile strengthening as she caught Nathan's hand with her own and gave it a squeeze. "Go on, old man. No givin' yerself a hear attack, tho'."