Sarah, Amanda - Monday night
Sep. 27th, 2004 10:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsTwo Terrible Two finally get it together long enough for a smoke and a talk. For once it's Sarah who's the fragile one.
The planets must have aligned. That was the only reason Amanda could think of for the fact that she and Sarah were both on the back porch at the same time, without one having to leave imminently, or too injured to smoke, or not speaking English... She looked over at the Morlock with a grin. "This ain't natural. You an' me in the same place for more than five minutes. Somethin's gunna happen, wait an' see."
"Don't jinx it," Sarah smirked, blowing a cloud of smoke up into the air above her. "There's too much here that -can- go wrong." Pulling her legs up under her, she made room on the bench beside her. "Have a sit."
Amanda took the offered seat, lighting up her own cigarette as she did. "So," she said, stretching her legs out. "How's it been? I ain't seen much of you."
"I'm antisocial. You know that." Cigarette in hand, she picked idly at the bone on her free hand as she spoke. "I've got classes, and the rest of the time is spending quality time with the puppy. And occasionally a pretty boyfriend."
"After bein' grounded for the past week, I dunno how you do it," Amanda said, dragging deeply on her cigarette. "I'm goin' bloody spare bein' stuck here for a month. Still, not long t' go now."
"Yeah, let's see. I've been grounded three times since I've been here? And then I spent that couple of weeks in the medlab, which was almost as bad as being grounded. Maybe that's why I'm so crazy." She grinned conspiratorially at the younger girl, and took another drag off of her cigarette.
"Yeah, well this one's a first. If you don't count havin' t' do everyone's dishes that time I changed Jake into a frog." An amused chuckled escaped her. Now Jake was well and truly back to his own self, it _was_ funny. Just a bit. "An' then that whole love potion mess, which I didn't get punished for exactly, apart from the whole bein' sent back t' Rom thing." She glanced over at Sarah and grinned. "I just worked out why we don't end up in the same space for too long - fucks knows what we'd come up with between us."
"It's something like inviting the end of the world to dinner." Sarah thought about this for a moment, and shrugged. "Could be fun," she concluded, entirely too seriously.
"Maybe." Amanda frowned a little at the serious tone - she'd been joking, and the sudden switch bothered her. "Sort of like the world as it is right now, groundin' or no groundin'."
"Where's your sense of adventure?" Her tone is more joking now, having noticed Amanda's unease with the topic. Sometimes she had to remind herself she wasn't talking to Jono. "So. Tell me what's new."
"Lost it when I used me powers t' break Lee's arm," Amanda muttered, mostly to herself. Making a visible effort to return to the joking tone, she shrugged. "Not a lot. Sorted some stuff out with people, got me own pretty boyfriend t' talk t' me again, got back on the magic for a while..." She gave Sarah a half-grin. "You know, the usual. Just waitin' for the near-death experience an' everythin'll be back t' normal."
Sarah shook her head, flicking ashes onto the bushes behind them. "That's backwards. The near death experience comes first. Then you have to sort things out with half the mansion. I'm -still- working on that part."
"Which near death experience, tho'?" Amand pointed out. "Columbia was the last, so I could still be workin' on things from then." She gave Sarah a measured look. "Are you? Workin' on sortin' things out? Didn't think yer'd be bothered, since it's pretty clear you don't think most of the place is worth a toss."
"Depends on what day of the week it is." She gave the answer candidly, and went back to her cigarette. "Sometimes I couldn't give a rat’s ass. And then I think about the boys and how they could make sure I never see them again, or Pretty starts making eyes at me, and I've got to at least -try-. Not making any promises though. We've got very different ideas about what 'working things out' consists of."
"I've got a pretty good idea what his version is. What about you?" Since they were being honest here. And it was important, somehow, that she get the answer.
"He wants me to give up on it entirely, so we can move on or whatever the hell you do after the stuff that's gone on. I don't know if I can. Not yet." She pulled a bone from her thigh, tossing it over her shoulder and into the yard. "I'm willing to talk about it, if he thinks it'll help, but I can't promise I won't go after them again. I guess the most I can promise is that I won't try and do it by myself if I don't have to."
"'S better than nothin'." Amanda was silent for a long while, watching the smoke from her cigarette spiral up. "Back when you were in medlab, when I came down t' see you, but kept talkin' in Askani... I was tryin' t' say that I thought we'd lost you, an' it hurt," she said at last. "I can't say anythin' much 'bout you takin' off on yer own like you did - I did the same in Mexico, pretty much. Would've ditched Ange if he wouldn't let me go. But knowin' you got yerself killed, even if it didn't take... It's not somethin' I want t' go through again."
Sarah leaned her head back, sending smoke out in a drawn out sigh. "I wish I knew what to tell you all. How to fucking make it make sense for you all. I keep trying, and I think maybe I'm just going to have to give up on the making people understand. I'm not still lying dead in the tunnels, but nobody can fucking get past that point in the story." She flicked the rest of her cigarette into the ash bucket and lit a new one. "I get hurt, I get better. It happens. I've had bones pulled out wrong. Hell I've had every bone in my body pulled out at once. But I'm not going to hide scared all my life because people are scared I'm going to get hurt. I certainly don't expect anybody else to stay home just because I'd rather not see them hurt."
"I know." Amanda leaned forward, kept her eyes on the floor. It was easier if she didn't look at Sarah. "I ain't sayin' you should run scared. Fuck, if I thought that, I'd be hidin' under the bed from those Mistra people, after Columbia."
"Then what do I do? I wasn't -planning- on dying, I'm not that stupid." She took a drag off of the cigarette in her hand, pulling her tattered sweater just a little closer. She blamed her chill on the wind. "I really wish I knew what to say. Trust me, it would save a good couple of nights crying on his and Jono's shoulders if I just knew how to make it better. The only way I know how is to finish it so I really can move on."
"Then maybe you should." Amanda said it quietly, eyes still fixed on the floor, ignoring Sarah's reaction at what probably seemed like a sudden reversal in her opinions. "If you have to, then... you have to. Just... start thinkin' 'bout what comes after? Since you ain't gunna be goin' on yer own, there's a good chance there will be an after t' think about." She looked up briefly, smiling wryly. "'S not that bad, havin' a future."
"I hope it's that simple. I go and finish it, and everyone goes about their business as always." She dropped her head to peek at Amanda's face. "Can you do that? Take me back as a friend again after everything's over? With all the blood on my hands, and the disregard for everybody but myself... will I be worth taking back anymore?"
"If yer'd asked me that before Columbia an' Mistra takin' Nate back... I might've said 'no'," Amanda admitted. "But now... Some things don't end just 'cause you want them to. They've got a way of comin' back an' bitin' you on the arse. If I could, I'd take down every fucker in that place that took Nate, an' t' hell with the threefold rule." Her hands tightened into fists, a few random sparks arcing across them. "You have t' do this. I get it now."
"It's about time somebody got it," she joked, though there was probably more truth to the statement than she let on. "They deserve this much. Artie and Leech deserve to not have to know that the fuckers who killed their parents are still running around out there somewhere. Because while they might not remember it now, they can't go all their lives not knowing the story. And I can be a little smarter about it than the last time, but I can't just give up on it." She was nodding now, cigarette shaking slightly in her hand. "I hope -he- understands."
"Shinobi?" Amanda frowned. "T' tell you the truth, mate, I don't think he will. Maybe before, but now? He's tryin' t' deal with his own ghosts, an' I don't think yers an' his mesh that well."
God, it hurt to hear that. A lot. She winced, took the last drag off of her cigarette, and sighed the smoke out again. This was starting to be a trend. ....At least she wasn't crying yet. "Yeah, maybe not." She said the words, but wasn't really listening to herself talk. The distance in her voice could be measured with a yardstick. After a minute, she shook her head. "Oh, what the hell. We'll make it work. I'll make it work." There's that determination again. Tell me I can't, and I'll say I can so.
Amanda reached out and grabbed Sarah's hand, ignoring the rough sting as the bone covering it grazed her hand. "An' since when was I ever the person t' ask 'bout relationships?" she said, trying to laugh off what she'd said. Sometimes there was such a thing as too much honesty. "I'm probably wrong. He loves you, I know that. Maybe that'll be enough."
"How many people have to wonder the same thing before it's true? I think that probably brings the count up to three." She bit down on her lower lip, hard enough that she tasted blood, and turned her head away. "Sorry I scratched you."
In answer, Amanda squeezed Sarah's hand again. "I can take it," she said. "An' I think yer'd be the one t' judge what's true or not. You want it t' last, you do what you have to." Letting go, she held her hand palm-up, exposing the bloody graze there. Whispering a healing spell, she watched as the wound closed over, leaving only pink new skin to show it had ever been hurt. "See? Easy fixed."
"I think I need some sleep," she muttered, running a hand through her hair. "I just watched you heal yourself, and I haven't pounced on you for sparring yet. I'm slacking." She started to get up, arms wrapped tightly around her chest. "I think I've had a longer day than I realize. I don't normally fall apart like that. I'll talk to you later, yeah?"
"You could always help test out me shielding too," Amanda said, grinning, not mentioning the healing worked best for minor injuries. "Think I'll stop out a bit longer - 'm feelin' boxed in enough. But yeah, we can talk later." She wasn't fooled by the hasty retreat, but knew better than to push things - besides, she'd be a hypocrite to not let someone have some brain space. "Sleep well, yeah?"
"Yeah. Enjoy your fresh air. You'll be ungrounded before you know it." The door had barely clicked shut before she ran upstairs to cry on somebody's shoulder. Hopefully she'd at least make it to Shinobi's room before she started.
The planets must have aligned. That was the only reason Amanda could think of for the fact that she and Sarah were both on the back porch at the same time, without one having to leave imminently, or too injured to smoke, or not speaking English... She looked over at the Morlock with a grin. "This ain't natural. You an' me in the same place for more than five minutes. Somethin's gunna happen, wait an' see."
"Don't jinx it," Sarah smirked, blowing a cloud of smoke up into the air above her. "There's too much here that -can- go wrong." Pulling her legs up under her, she made room on the bench beside her. "Have a sit."
Amanda took the offered seat, lighting up her own cigarette as she did. "So," she said, stretching her legs out. "How's it been? I ain't seen much of you."
"I'm antisocial. You know that." Cigarette in hand, she picked idly at the bone on her free hand as she spoke. "I've got classes, and the rest of the time is spending quality time with the puppy. And occasionally a pretty boyfriend."
"After bein' grounded for the past week, I dunno how you do it," Amanda said, dragging deeply on her cigarette. "I'm goin' bloody spare bein' stuck here for a month. Still, not long t' go now."
"Yeah, let's see. I've been grounded three times since I've been here? And then I spent that couple of weeks in the medlab, which was almost as bad as being grounded. Maybe that's why I'm so crazy." She grinned conspiratorially at the younger girl, and took another drag off of her cigarette.
"Yeah, well this one's a first. If you don't count havin' t' do everyone's dishes that time I changed Jake into a frog." An amused chuckled escaped her. Now Jake was well and truly back to his own self, it _was_ funny. Just a bit. "An' then that whole love potion mess, which I didn't get punished for exactly, apart from the whole bein' sent back t' Rom thing." She glanced over at Sarah and grinned. "I just worked out why we don't end up in the same space for too long - fucks knows what we'd come up with between us."
"It's something like inviting the end of the world to dinner." Sarah thought about this for a moment, and shrugged. "Could be fun," she concluded, entirely too seriously.
"Maybe." Amanda frowned a little at the serious tone - she'd been joking, and the sudden switch bothered her. "Sort of like the world as it is right now, groundin' or no groundin'."
"Where's your sense of adventure?" Her tone is more joking now, having noticed Amanda's unease with the topic. Sometimes she had to remind herself she wasn't talking to Jono. "So. Tell me what's new."
"Lost it when I used me powers t' break Lee's arm," Amanda muttered, mostly to herself. Making a visible effort to return to the joking tone, she shrugged. "Not a lot. Sorted some stuff out with people, got me own pretty boyfriend t' talk t' me again, got back on the magic for a while..." She gave Sarah a half-grin. "You know, the usual. Just waitin' for the near-death experience an' everythin'll be back t' normal."
Sarah shook her head, flicking ashes onto the bushes behind them. "That's backwards. The near death experience comes first. Then you have to sort things out with half the mansion. I'm -still- working on that part."
"Which near death experience, tho'?" Amand pointed out. "Columbia was the last, so I could still be workin' on things from then." She gave Sarah a measured look. "Are you? Workin' on sortin' things out? Didn't think yer'd be bothered, since it's pretty clear you don't think most of the place is worth a toss."
"Depends on what day of the week it is." She gave the answer candidly, and went back to her cigarette. "Sometimes I couldn't give a rat’s ass. And then I think about the boys and how they could make sure I never see them again, or Pretty starts making eyes at me, and I've got to at least -try-. Not making any promises though. We've got very different ideas about what 'working things out' consists of."
"I've got a pretty good idea what his version is. What about you?" Since they were being honest here. And it was important, somehow, that she get the answer.
"He wants me to give up on it entirely, so we can move on or whatever the hell you do after the stuff that's gone on. I don't know if I can. Not yet." She pulled a bone from her thigh, tossing it over her shoulder and into the yard. "I'm willing to talk about it, if he thinks it'll help, but I can't promise I won't go after them again. I guess the most I can promise is that I won't try and do it by myself if I don't have to."
"'S better than nothin'." Amanda was silent for a long while, watching the smoke from her cigarette spiral up. "Back when you were in medlab, when I came down t' see you, but kept talkin' in Askani... I was tryin' t' say that I thought we'd lost you, an' it hurt," she said at last. "I can't say anythin' much 'bout you takin' off on yer own like you did - I did the same in Mexico, pretty much. Would've ditched Ange if he wouldn't let me go. But knowin' you got yerself killed, even if it didn't take... It's not somethin' I want t' go through again."
Sarah leaned her head back, sending smoke out in a drawn out sigh. "I wish I knew what to tell you all. How to fucking make it make sense for you all. I keep trying, and I think maybe I'm just going to have to give up on the making people understand. I'm not still lying dead in the tunnels, but nobody can fucking get past that point in the story." She flicked the rest of her cigarette into the ash bucket and lit a new one. "I get hurt, I get better. It happens. I've had bones pulled out wrong. Hell I've had every bone in my body pulled out at once. But I'm not going to hide scared all my life because people are scared I'm going to get hurt. I certainly don't expect anybody else to stay home just because I'd rather not see them hurt."
"I know." Amanda leaned forward, kept her eyes on the floor. It was easier if she didn't look at Sarah. "I ain't sayin' you should run scared. Fuck, if I thought that, I'd be hidin' under the bed from those Mistra people, after Columbia."
"Then what do I do? I wasn't -planning- on dying, I'm not that stupid." She took a drag off of the cigarette in her hand, pulling her tattered sweater just a little closer. She blamed her chill on the wind. "I really wish I knew what to say. Trust me, it would save a good couple of nights crying on his and Jono's shoulders if I just knew how to make it better. The only way I know how is to finish it so I really can move on."
"Then maybe you should." Amanda said it quietly, eyes still fixed on the floor, ignoring Sarah's reaction at what probably seemed like a sudden reversal in her opinions. "If you have to, then... you have to. Just... start thinkin' 'bout what comes after? Since you ain't gunna be goin' on yer own, there's a good chance there will be an after t' think about." She looked up briefly, smiling wryly. "'S not that bad, havin' a future."
"I hope it's that simple. I go and finish it, and everyone goes about their business as always." She dropped her head to peek at Amanda's face. "Can you do that? Take me back as a friend again after everything's over? With all the blood on my hands, and the disregard for everybody but myself... will I be worth taking back anymore?"
"If yer'd asked me that before Columbia an' Mistra takin' Nate back... I might've said 'no'," Amanda admitted. "But now... Some things don't end just 'cause you want them to. They've got a way of comin' back an' bitin' you on the arse. If I could, I'd take down every fucker in that place that took Nate, an' t' hell with the threefold rule." Her hands tightened into fists, a few random sparks arcing across them. "You have t' do this. I get it now."
"It's about time somebody got it," she joked, though there was probably more truth to the statement than she let on. "They deserve this much. Artie and Leech deserve to not have to know that the fuckers who killed their parents are still running around out there somewhere. Because while they might not remember it now, they can't go all their lives not knowing the story. And I can be a little smarter about it than the last time, but I can't just give up on it." She was nodding now, cigarette shaking slightly in her hand. "I hope -he- understands."
"Shinobi?" Amanda frowned. "T' tell you the truth, mate, I don't think he will. Maybe before, but now? He's tryin' t' deal with his own ghosts, an' I don't think yers an' his mesh that well."
God, it hurt to hear that. A lot. She winced, took the last drag off of her cigarette, and sighed the smoke out again. This was starting to be a trend. ....At least she wasn't crying yet. "Yeah, maybe not." She said the words, but wasn't really listening to herself talk. The distance in her voice could be measured with a yardstick. After a minute, she shook her head. "Oh, what the hell. We'll make it work. I'll make it work." There's that determination again. Tell me I can't, and I'll say I can so.
Amanda reached out and grabbed Sarah's hand, ignoring the rough sting as the bone covering it grazed her hand. "An' since when was I ever the person t' ask 'bout relationships?" she said, trying to laugh off what she'd said. Sometimes there was such a thing as too much honesty. "I'm probably wrong. He loves you, I know that. Maybe that'll be enough."
"How many people have to wonder the same thing before it's true? I think that probably brings the count up to three." She bit down on her lower lip, hard enough that she tasted blood, and turned her head away. "Sorry I scratched you."
In answer, Amanda squeezed Sarah's hand again. "I can take it," she said. "An' I think yer'd be the one t' judge what's true or not. You want it t' last, you do what you have to." Letting go, she held her hand palm-up, exposing the bloody graze there. Whispering a healing spell, she watched as the wound closed over, leaving only pink new skin to show it had ever been hurt. "See? Easy fixed."
"I think I need some sleep," she muttered, running a hand through her hair. "I just watched you heal yourself, and I haven't pounced on you for sparring yet. I'm slacking." She started to get up, arms wrapped tightly around her chest. "I think I've had a longer day than I realize. I don't normally fall apart like that. I'll talk to you later, yeah?"
"You could always help test out me shielding too," Amanda said, grinning, not mentioning the healing worked best for minor injuries. "Think I'll stop out a bit longer - 'm feelin' boxed in enough. But yeah, we can talk later." She wasn't fooled by the hasty retreat, but knew better than to push things - besides, she'd be a hypocrite to not let someone have some brain space. "Sleep well, yeah?"
"Yeah. Enjoy your fresh air. You'll be ungrounded before you know it." The door had barely clicked shut before she ran upstairs to cry on somebody's shoulder. Hopefully she'd at least make it to Shinobi's room before she started.
