Samson and Jubilee log

[x-jubilee.livejournal.com]

Who: Dr Samson, Jubilation Lee
When: Monday 22nd November 2004 Time: 6am
What happens?: Samson and Jubilee explore her reactions to recent events and why it is that she doesn't appear to be feeling a hell of a lot. They make a breakthrough.



"You look like you have something you want to get off your chest," Samson said easily as Jubilee took her usual seat. The psychiatrist was sitting in one of the easy chairs, notepad on his knee, his usual relaxed smile on his face. "Want to tell me about it?"

Jubilee sighed, looking back at Dr Samson from where she'd perched herself by the window. It was her standard position for these sessions, the small chance of freedom that was the open window giving her a small sense of comfort.

"I've been angry for a long time, and I've been takin' it out on everyone in sight. Just, don't know how to stop bein' angry, or shootin' my mouth off when people brush me the wrong way. I took a shot at Alison earlier this week. Just laid into her cause she called me on Amanda. People keep tellin' me I don't care enough, and it pisses me off." she replied.

"Why does that in particular make you angry?" Samson asked. "Being told you don't care enough?" He had an inkling of the answer, having been talking to her for some time now, but he wanted to see if she had any insight first.

"It was Manny, really. He's like this empath and even he says I don't care enough. It pisses me off cause I feel like I care, I know I feel it. So, why is he sayin' I don't care enough? It doesn't make fuckin' sense and I hate it when things don't make sense. I'm thinkin' he's just pissed cause I told him I wouldn't sleep with him anymore, which completely boils my blood cause he was goin' on about how I'd totally missed out on the night of my life. Like he's fuckin' all that."

She looked out the window, towards the tree she'd noticed the first day she was in this office. It was easier then looking at Samson. Trees didn't make you feel like you were missing something important.

"Give me an example of what he says you don't care enough about," Samson suggested, unpreturbed by the fact she wasn't looking at him - many of the kids didn't, finding it easier to talk without the eye contact. "And tell me how it makes you feel. Perhaps a second opinion will help."

"He said that I didn't care enough that I'd almost got Amanda sent to hell. Like I planned this whole demon thing. I'm sick of people just assumin' I hated her enough to do that. I'd never fuckin' send someone to hell, I'm not that much of a bitch, only he starts tellin' me about how he knew I cared but it wasn't very strongly. How strong does it have to be? Feels like people expect some kind of dramatic whipping of myself or somethin' for it to be enough." she replied, agitated by the end.

She turned around and slid off the bench by the window, starting up a pacing circuit from the window to the door, needing to move. "It's like they expect me to fall on my knees and beg her for forgiveness. And then Alison and Wanda were all over me cause I was hurtin' and I expected Amanda to heal me. I mean, she's got the healin', right? So why shouldn't I expect some of it. What the hell is wrong with wantin' to not be in pain?"

"Nothing. But put yourself in her shoes for a moment," said Samson mildly. "If you had been straining yourself looking after your hurt boyfriend, and working in the medlab for hours on end helping two people you were close to, and then the person you saw as the cause of all your worry and stress of the previous week announces that she is going clubbing with that same boyfriend, and can she get the stitches out of her shoulder. How would that make you feel?"

"I'd be pissed." Jubilee replied with a sigh. It hadn't seemed like so much to ask at the time but maybe it had been.

She started up her pacing again, feeling better for it. The feel of distance covered seemed to offer a small comfort. At least she was getting somewhere with this, even if mentally she was standing still.

"Just angry?" Samson asked. "This girl has made it pretty clear that she has been sleeping with your boyfriend, even with a clear indication that you're not happy with it. Wouldn't that make you feel hurt? Afraid of losing him? Jealous that the girl who hurt him gets a night out with him, and you get told to just suck it up?"

"Furious then. Hurt, I guess. I told him I wasn't gonna sleep with him any more after that. It was just a joke on Clarice's journal. I wasn't really intendin' to sleep with him but everyone just assumed I was serious. Did you know he was the only one that went out with me that night? So if he hadn't come, I'd have been goin' dancing alone. Not that I'd have minded, done it before."

Jubilee slumped into one of the comfortable chairs and looked Samson in the eye. "I never meant to hurt her. I just didn't notice I was."

"I would have thought breaking your arm was a pretty good indication you were hurting her," Samson pointed out. He considered her answer for a minute, then said: "The fact no-one else besides Manuel wanted to go out dancing with you. Why do you think that was?"

"Probably still angry with me over what happened at Halloween. Guess almost dying has a way of makin' people a slight bit tetchy with the person they think is responsible." Jubilee replied.

"There is that - most of the clubbing types... they're Amanda's friends, yes? And your friends aren't so much into that sort of thing?" Samson leaned back a bit. "There's also the fact that just over two weeks before, they'd had a highly traumatic experience... in a nightclub. You don't think that perhaps some of them would be a little leery of repeating the experience quite that soon?" He smiled a little. "It's not necessarily always about you."

Jubilee pulled her legs up and rested her chin on her knees. "Guess I didn't think of that." she admitted. She hadn't, to be honest. She wasn't particularly phased by the whole experience but then, she'd actually destroyed the demon. She supposed the others hadn't had that closure. Being attacked by something you couldn't effect would have been scary. "I wasn't havin' that problem, so I didn't think anyone else would be either." she finished.

"So, you didn't realise you were hurting Amanda with your flirting with Manuel, and you didn't think anyone else would be upset by what happened at Halloween because you weren't." Samson raised an eyebrow at her. "Can you see a pattern here, Jubilee?"

"Maybe." she replied, hugging her knees closer.

'Definitely' her mind supplied.

Was she really that much of a selfish brat, to not have noticed, or cared about anyone but herself? It seemed to her that her actions pointed to that. But she'd never considered herself selfish. She cared about other people, she had friends she wanted to be happy. But Manny's words stuck with her, that she didn't care enough. Why would he say something like that?

"Guess I'm just a selfish brat. Not like that'll be a surprise to anyone 'round here, they've been tellin' me that for ages." Jubilee said, noting the slight whine in her tone and hating herself for it.

She'd never been whiney before she came here. She hadn't had the time for it. It wasn't her fault, dammit. No one ever explained why they were upset and then they got pissed with her when she didn't do what they expected. It annoyed her. No, too soft a word. She hated it, she hated them, she fucking hated everything.

"It's not so simple as a matter of you being selfish. I think it's something more. Tell me, what was the last time you felt something strongly, really strongly, and what was that emotion?" Samson kept his tone reassuring, but no-nonsense - coddling wasn't going to be helpful here.

Jubilee didn't have to think far, the incident with Alison had only been a few days ago. "Depends, I felt Alison's pain pretty damn strongly. But my own? Hmm, anger, I guess. At Alison."

"Can you think of the last time you felt something strongly that wasn't anger?" Samson asked, careful not to stress any of the words and lead her too much into an easy answer. "Of your own, that is."

Jubilee thought hard about it. She wasn't particularly sure what Samson was trying to get at but he'd managed to gain her curiosity if nothing else. She felt things all the time but strongly? She couldn't really think of any emotions she'd felt strongly of her own will. They'd always been caused by someone else. Fear, she had felt strongly but that was the soldier. Anger, definitely but that was usually because of someone else. People kept telling her she was hyper but she wasn't entirely sure that was an emotion and even if it was, it was more to do with caffeine then her.

"No, not really. I mean, I've felt things like fear and pain and anger strongly but those were always caused by outward things. I, can't say I've ever felt anything strongly." she replied honestly.

"If you want to look at it that way, you could say all emotion is caused by outward factors - you reacting to things around you. It's curious that is tends to be the negative emotions especially that you ascribe to other influences - other people make you angry, or scared, or hurt, not yourself." Samson maintained that quiet tone, refusing to sound accusatory - the last thing Jubilee needed was another lecture from someone, at least not so soon after the last rather graphic one. "What about when you were a child, before your parents were killed? You said that winning the gymnastics competition made you very happy, yes?"

Jubilee smiled, real happiness showing in her eyes at last. "Yeah. Mom was always so damn proud of me. And it wasn't just about the winning, ya know? I was good at gymnastics. Heck, not just good, I was damned amazing. Never took me long to learn any of the equipment and I seriously rocked at the parallel bars. Dad used to always take us out for ice-cream after one of my wins and I could choose any flavour I wanted. Even when he was busy with work, he always made time for Mom and me."

She stopped suddenly, her expression changing, becoming withdrawn. It hurt to remember how happy she'd been. She didn't like hurting.

"It's not important. Just memories." she said, tone icy cold.

"Jubilee, I didn't ask you to remember that because I wanted to make you feel bad, or remind me what you'd lost. I wanted to point something out. All your strong emotional memories, they're all pretty much linked to your family. Everything since..." Samson paused, thinking of the right words. "The emotions you feel strongly are the negative ones: anger, fear, hate, pain. The good ones remind you of your family, so you don't let yourself feel them, or if you do, you lock yourself down again, just like you have now. Do you understand what I'm getting at?"

She nodded. "Sort of. But I feel positive stuff. I mean, I'm happy when I'm with my friends and I laugh just like anyone else."

"But what drives you is the negative - when you say you act on instinct, those are the things that are prompting you to react," Samson said. All right, try a new tack, focus less on the negatives. "What makes you happy?"

"My roommates, just hangin' with them mostly. Watching cartoons with Miles and Artie. Sleeping in on the weekends. Spending time with Madelyn," she replied, thinking about it.

All those things did make her happy but it had never been like that memory of her family. But she'd been a child then, people usually said your memories of childhood were always stronger.

"Is it the same sort of feeling you used to get when you did similar things with you family?" Samson asked, apparently developing telepathy.

Jubilee stared at him in surprise for a second and then shook her head slowly. "No, not really. Feels kinda washed out these days."

"Jubilee, sometimes, when a child is orphaned or abandoned at an early age, and has to fend for themselves, as you did... they close themselves off, forget how to feel as strongly as they used to, for themselves, and for others." Samson kept his tone reassuring. "I think that is what's happening with you. The inability to empathise, the washed out emotions, the powerful negative reactions, like anger and fear in response to most situations... It adds up to you not functionally normally, in terms of emotions. What Manuel noticed was correct - it's not that you don't care, it's that you can't care enough. You simply are unable to at this stage."

"So, how do I fix it then?" Jubilee asked.

She wasn't entirely sure she believed him. Sure, okay, maybe he was right in that people kept telling her she had no empathy these days. But, then again, maybe those people were on crack.

"We keep working together. I'll give you homework, of a sort - scenarios that I want you to respond to, that sort of thing. We'll start on some anger management techniques... You said earlier you were seeing Nathan, and he was teaching you to think? I'd like to sit down and talk to him, since we'll be overlapping somewhat, if that's all right with you."

"It's fine. Considerin' I'm trustin' him to teach me how ta think properly, guess I can trust him with this too. So, anger management? Does that mean I get one of those foam rubber bats to hit things with?" Jubilee asked, grinning impishly.

"I was thinking more along the lines of meditation and such, but Nerf could possibly feature..." Samson couldn't help a chuckle. "The problem's been identified, Jubilee. Now we can get to work on fixing it."

"God, not more meditation. Oh well, Muppet song, here I come. Thanks, Sam. Nice to know there's an explanation. Although, I'm thinkin' a lot of the people 'round here won't believe it. I've been a bitch lately." Jubilee replied, remembering her conversation with Angelo.

"Well, the explanation doesn't remove responsibility for your actions entirely, but it does have a bearing. I'd suggest that for a while, until we have this anger of yours a little more controlled, that you try and avoid situations and people you know will set you off. And if you find yourself getting unreasonably angry in a situation, leave. There's no good to be gained by staying and fighting, at least not in this sort of situation."

"Yeah, okay." she replied, looking at her watch and realising she'd need to be in class soon.

"And that would be my cue to shut up and let you go. Same time next week?" Samson asked, closing his notebook and setting it aside. "I can get Nathan to pass on those scenarios to you."

"Sure Sam, I'll catch ya next week." she said, out of her chair and heading toward the door at a degree of knots.

It wasn't that she didn't get something out of these sessions, it was just that they were hard and by the end of them she was in the mood for a timeout. She hoped Dr Samson didn't take it personally.