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Jan. 7th, 2005 09:58 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsIn which Forge's continued antisocial behavior reveals a cause, and Kyle plays the rational role for a change.
Kyle was starting to get the idea that he could have practiced
wrestling moves on Forge, and nothing would have much happened. Not
that he was gonna -try- it, since for all Kyle knew, Forge had a taser
in that arm of his.
"Forge? You in there? Are you awake? Did you build a robot clone of
yourself?" Hey, it could happen, Kyle figured. Forge was a genius
person, and mad genisus did stuff like that. Espically half robot
ones.
"No," Forge replied in a monotone, staring out the window into the
grey sky. "Just me. No robots." He looked down at the diagnostic
scanner plugged into his leg. The flashing red lights indicated idle
mode, which wasn't surprising, seeing as he'd left the thing plugged
in for the past... what day was it again? Didn't matter.
"I was starting to wonder, dude." Kyle dropped onto his chair and
rested his feet on his desk. "You intending to do anything? Move? Go
eat? Shower?" The last was said with the muted tones of Kyle pinching
his nose. Not that he was worried for his roommate. Forge was kind of
a jerk, and also, weird. But cranky mouthing-off Forge was -way-
better than weird not-talking Forge. Definitly better.
"Not really," Forge answered, reaching down to shut off the diagnostic
device. Everything worked. Circuits were complete, so electricity
flowed, so everything worked according to the laws of science.
Immutable laws, laws that were dependable, that didn't change. Unless
suddenly they did, because some wacko insane flaming mutant decided
that thermodynamics was optional now, and that electricity no longer
flowed in the proper patterns, stuff like that.
"Nothing matters," Forge found himself saying. "None of it would
really be any use, would it?"
"Oh Jesus -fucking- Christ." Kyle snarled. "Man, if you start
spouting that freaky nothing matters shit, I'm tossing you in the
pool." He pounded the side of his chair with a fist. "Hello.
Roommate who has to smell your depressed ass."
It wasn't the worst thing he could've said, but Kyle knew damn well
that it was neither nice, nor understanding, nor friendly. He just
didn't give a damn. Too many weird freaky smelling people in the
school for his roommate to go and be on on -purpose-.
Forge took a look down at his hand. Metal. Cold. Did what it was told.
And why was it grabbing Kyle's shirt and pushing him back into the
wall? Oh, because he was angry, that's why.
"Depressed?" Forge growled at Kyle. "You think I'm fucking
depressed? When I say it's useless, what in the fuck do you
think I'm talking about? I'm too goddamn smart to be depressed." He
couldn't stop the tears of shame from coming to his eyes, as he weakly
pounded his hand on the wall by Kyle's side.
"Do you know what I do? I build things. ANYTHING. I can see how
everything works, how it's supposed to function, and I can make it do
what it's supposed to. That's what I do, and you know what? It's all I
have. So you tell me," Forge demanded, "what I'm supposed to
feel when it all turns out to be fucking useless. When people needed
something fixed, and I couldn't do a damn thing. This amazing fucking
talent I've got, and I wasn't worth a goddamn thing."
Forge let go of Kyle, shocked at himself for a moment, then just
blankly stared at the floor and slumped against the side of his
wardrobe. "Not a goddamn thing. Again."
"I... have no idea what the -fuck- you are talking about." Kyle shook
his head, still confused by the part where Forge had shoved him over
into the wall, in addition to the being confused about what the hell
he was talking about. "I dunno what the hell happened when you guys
were all freezing your asses off in Scotland, but everyone is fucking
grumpy, no one is telling me -shit- and now you're spouting bullshit
about how your power is useless? What the -fuck-, dude? Did the part
where you totally saved Alison not happen?" He sat back down in his
chair, backwards this time and tapped his foot impatiently.
"Oh, sure," Forge spat out. "but that was easy." The
self-loathing was evident in his tone and posture. "Over there--"
Forge paused, then decided to hell with secrecy. "Some nutjob decided
to stick genes from Doctor MacTaggart's dead son into some other kid
who went loony and decided to start redefining reality. Set stuff on
fire, turned buildings into pudding, that kind of shit. I was
there, Kyle. I saw him sitting there like some special ed case,
and then there was fire everywhere and people were screaming and-"
Forge took a deep breath, trying to keep himself from becoming
hysterical as he remembered the evening. "-and they killed him. They
went all organized commando and shit. Even Shiro, man. Shiro, Ms.
Blaire, Mr. Dayspring - they did what they had to do. They killed him,
and they saved the day." Remembering the rest, Forge dropped his head
into his hands.
"And do you know where I was?" he asked rhetorically. "I was under a
table, in the fetal position, scared for my life. Everyone else was
doing something - shit, even fucking Ramsey was playing the
hero and getting little kids out of harm's way. Me? I was this close
to shitting myself." Forge pulled himself up, wiping his eyes on his
sleeve. "So yeah," he continued, "I'm a fucking lifesaving genius.
When I'm not being a completely useless goddamn cowardly waste who
could have figured out ten ways to stop the kid - alive - if..." Then
his eyes teared up again and his voice caught in his throat.
"Goddammit."
"So, what, you're gonna make the rest of us miserable because you
think you're... " Kyle gestured frantically, not having anything
like a grasp of what words to use here. "I dunno man, useless or
something. Whatever. We're fucking -teenagers-. They expect us to fuck
it up."
He went quiet, trying to figure out something to say, to get Forge to
cut this crap out. "The people who yanked me out of juvie wanted to
turn me into some kind of... I dunno, whatever the hell Nate is.
Someone who can do shit like kill people without looking upset, or I
dunno, stay all together in a fight." Kyle balled up a fist in
frustration, then released it, shoving the outstretched fingers into
Forge's face, claws only an inch away from the other boy's nose. "And
its fucking insane and sick and wrong, and if I'm not supposed to be
some kind of walking killing machine, then why the hell do you think
you're supposed to be some kind of walking fix fucking everything
guy?"
"Because it's what I DO!" Forge snapped back. "Thus it's who I AM. Out
there," Forge pointed to the window, "I'm the butt of every fucking
joke. I'm the last guy picked for every team. I'm the kid who gets
shoved into the wall just because someone needs to feel strong. I'm
the bottom of the goddamn food chain. I'm a nobody. But here?" Forge
spread his arms, "I get to use this gift I have to make myself
something. But then shit happens, and I can't do a goddamn thing with
it."
He turned to look out the window, and then glanced back over his
shoulder at Kyle. "And don't tell me that it's expected, or it's okay.
I heard what happened at the mall. Yeah, you got your ass kicked by
some nasty frog guy. But you DID it. You got off your ass, and
probably saved a few lives by getting your ass kicked. Me? I hid under
a goddamn table and let them kill a poor kid who didn't know any
better. Because I was afraid."
"Man, you're -stupid-. I mean, you're really smart, Forge, but
sometimes you are just so fucking -dumb-." Kyle shook his head. Now
would be a -bad- time to chuck his roommate out the window, as much as
he really wanted to. "Go get some fricking psychotherapy or something,
because nobody but you thinks hiding and being scared is a problem."
He paused for a moment and shrugged. "I dunno what the hell to tell
you, man. I don't think you're useless, and I don't think anyone else
does. But what the fuck do I know?"
"You think talking to the Professor would help?" Forge asked,
earnestness in his voice. "Because seriously, man - this is the second
time this has happened. And this time, someone died. Yeah, a lot of
other people would have if they hadn't stopped him, but I could maybe
have done something and no one would have died. So in a way, I don't
know, maybe I'm kind of responsible. I mean," Forge sighed and leaned
back down onto his bed, "there's stuff that only I can do. No one else
could have made that suit for Ms. Blaire. Doctor MacTaggart may
understand how the inhibitor bracelets work, but she can't build one
in six minutes like I can. Stuff like that, the stuff only I can do,
that's going to be needed some day." He sat up and looked at Kyle.
"And I don't care if you don't think me being a coward is anything to
be ashamed of - next time it could be someone else who gets hurt, or
worse, because I freeze up. I don't want to be a superhero, I don't
want to be some ass kicking badass super soldier like Mr. Dayspring.
I just don't want to be responsible for someone else dying because I spaz out."
"The Professor or Dr. Samson... " Kyle stopped. "Dude, have you even
-met- that guy? He's like, huge. No, I mean, like totally Triple H
huge, but he's a shrink, only not an asshole. You should talk to
somebody anyway, because sitting on your ass and stinking up the room
is not cool." He let out a snort, and shrugged. "I just don't think
you were a coward, or whatever."
"Yeah, well, you weren't there," Forge countered. "But you're right -
I'll stop by and see if the Professor's got some time. And I don't
stink, I-" Forge stopped and smelled his shirt. "What day is it?" He
checked his calendar, then looked at his watch. "Oh god, I do
stink. Agenda item one for the day, then. Shower. Have they cooked
breakfast yet?"
"Stink ain't the word, man." Kyle snorted. "And yeah, breakfast's
over, but there's probably leftovers. There were a whole bunch of
waffles when I went down there, and I was a total dragass this
morning."
"Well, you dragass me up some waffles, and I'll try to see if I can
remember how the shower works. Is it really Friday already?" Forge
checked his watch. "Damn."
"Oh," he called as Kyle headed for the door, "if you can, um, I mean
-- don't tell anyone, okay?"
Kyle paused in mid-step. "No problem, man." It was only fair. Forge
didn't tell anyone about the nightmares, as far as Kyle knew, and so
he wasn't gonna fuck that up by telling anyone about Forge being a
slug for a couple of days.
Kyle was starting to get the idea that he could have practiced
wrestling moves on Forge, and nothing would have much happened. Not
that he was gonna -try- it, since for all Kyle knew, Forge had a taser
in that arm of his.
"Forge? You in there? Are you awake? Did you build a robot clone of
yourself?" Hey, it could happen, Kyle figured. Forge was a genius
person, and mad genisus did stuff like that. Espically half robot
ones.
"No," Forge replied in a monotone, staring out the window into the
grey sky. "Just me. No robots." He looked down at the diagnostic
scanner plugged into his leg. The flashing red lights indicated idle
mode, which wasn't surprising, seeing as he'd left the thing plugged
in for the past... what day was it again? Didn't matter.
"I was starting to wonder, dude." Kyle dropped onto his chair and
rested his feet on his desk. "You intending to do anything? Move? Go
eat? Shower?" The last was said with the muted tones of Kyle pinching
his nose. Not that he was worried for his roommate. Forge was kind of
a jerk, and also, weird. But cranky mouthing-off Forge was -way-
better than weird not-talking Forge. Definitly better.
"Not really," Forge answered, reaching down to shut off the diagnostic
device. Everything worked. Circuits were complete, so electricity
flowed, so everything worked according to the laws of science.
Immutable laws, laws that were dependable, that didn't change. Unless
suddenly they did, because some wacko insane flaming mutant decided
that thermodynamics was optional now, and that electricity no longer
flowed in the proper patterns, stuff like that.
"Nothing matters," Forge found himself saying. "None of it would
really be any use, would it?"
"Oh Jesus -fucking- Christ." Kyle snarled. "Man, if you start
spouting that freaky nothing matters shit, I'm tossing you in the
pool." He pounded the side of his chair with a fist. "Hello.
Roommate who has to smell your depressed ass."
It wasn't the worst thing he could've said, but Kyle knew damn well
that it was neither nice, nor understanding, nor friendly. He just
didn't give a damn. Too many weird freaky smelling people in the
school for his roommate to go and be on on -purpose-.
Forge took a look down at his hand. Metal. Cold. Did what it was told.
And why was it grabbing Kyle's shirt and pushing him back into the
wall? Oh, because he was angry, that's why.
"Depressed?" Forge growled at Kyle. "You think I'm fucking
depressed? When I say it's useless, what in the fuck do you
think I'm talking about? I'm too goddamn smart to be depressed." He
couldn't stop the tears of shame from coming to his eyes, as he weakly
pounded his hand on the wall by Kyle's side.
"Do you know what I do? I build things. ANYTHING. I can see how
everything works, how it's supposed to function, and I can make it do
what it's supposed to. That's what I do, and you know what? It's all I
have. So you tell me," Forge demanded, "what I'm supposed to
feel when it all turns out to be fucking useless. When people needed
something fixed, and I couldn't do a damn thing. This amazing fucking
talent I've got, and I wasn't worth a goddamn thing."
Forge let go of Kyle, shocked at himself for a moment, then just
blankly stared at the floor and slumped against the side of his
wardrobe. "Not a goddamn thing. Again."
"I... have no idea what the -fuck- you are talking about." Kyle shook
his head, still confused by the part where Forge had shoved him over
into the wall, in addition to the being confused about what the hell
he was talking about. "I dunno what the hell happened when you guys
were all freezing your asses off in Scotland, but everyone is fucking
grumpy, no one is telling me -shit- and now you're spouting bullshit
about how your power is useless? What the -fuck-, dude? Did the part
where you totally saved Alison not happen?" He sat back down in his
chair, backwards this time and tapped his foot impatiently.
"Oh, sure," Forge spat out. "but that was easy." The
self-loathing was evident in his tone and posture. "Over there--"
Forge paused, then decided to hell with secrecy. "Some nutjob decided
to stick genes from Doctor MacTaggart's dead son into some other kid
who went loony and decided to start redefining reality. Set stuff on
fire, turned buildings into pudding, that kind of shit. I was
there, Kyle. I saw him sitting there like some special ed case,
and then there was fire everywhere and people were screaming and-"
Forge took a deep breath, trying to keep himself from becoming
hysterical as he remembered the evening. "-and they killed him. They
went all organized commando and shit. Even Shiro, man. Shiro, Ms.
Blaire, Mr. Dayspring - they did what they had to do. They killed him,
and they saved the day." Remembering the rest, Forge dropped his head
into his hands.
"And do you know where I was?" he asked rhetorically. "I was under a
table, in the fetal position, scared for my life. Everyone else was
doing something - shit, even fucking Ramsey was playing the
hero and getting little kids out of harm's way. Me? I was this close
to shitting myself." Forge pulled himself up, wiping his eyes on his
sleeve. "So yeah," he continued, "I'm a fucking lifesaving genius.
When I'm not being a completely useless goddamn cowardly waste who
could have figured out ten ways to stop the kid - alive - if..." Then
his eyes teared up again and his voice caught in his throat.
"Goddammit."
"So, what, you're gonna make the rest of us miserable because you
think you're... " Kyle gestured frantically, not having anything
like a grasp of what words to use here. "I dunno man, useless or
something. Whatever. We're fucking -teenagers-. They expect us to fuck
it up."
He went quiet, trying to figure out something to say, to get Forge to
cut this crap out. "The people who yanked me out of juvie wanted to
turn me into some kind of... I dunno, whatever the hell Nate is.
Someone who can do shit like kill people without looking upset, or I
dunno, stay all together in a fight." Kyle balled up a fist in
frustration, then released it, shoving the outstretched fingers into
Forge's face, claws only an inch away from the other boy's nose. "And
its fucking insane and sick and wrong, and if I'm not supposed to be
some kind of walking killing machine, then why the hell do you think
you're supposed to be some kind of walking fix fucking everything
guy?"
"Because it's what I DO!" Forge snapped back. "Thus it's who I AM. Out
there," Forge pointed to the window, "I'm the butt of every fucking
joke. I'm the last guy picked for every team. I'm the kid who gets
shoved into the wall just because someone needs to feel strong. I'm
the bottom of the goddamn food chain. I'm a nobody. But here?" Forge
spread his arms, "I get to use this gift I have to make myself
something. But then shit happens, and I can't do a goddamn thing with
it."
He turned to look out the window, and then glanced back over his
shoulder at Kyle. "And don't tell me that it's expected, or it's okay.
I heard what happened at the mall. Yeah, you got your ass kicked by
some nasty frog guy. But you DID it. You got off your ass, and
probably saved a few lives by getting your ass kicked. Me? I hid under
a goddamn table and let them kill a poor kid who didn't know any
better. Because I was afraid."
"Man, you're -stupid-. I mean, you're really smart, Forge, but
sometimes you are just so fucking -dumb-." Kyle shook his head. Now
would be a -bad- time to chuck his roommate out the window, as much as
he really wanted to. "Go get some fricking psychotherapy or something,
because nobody but you thinks hiding and being scared is a problem."
He paused for a moment and shrugged. "I dunno what the hell to tell
you, man. I don't think you're useless, and I don't think anyone else
does. But what the fuck do I know?"
"You think talking to the Professor would help?" Forge asked,
earnestness in his voice. "Because seriously, man - this is the second
time this has happened. And this time, someone died. Yeah, a lot of
other people would have if they hadn't stopped him, but I could maybe
have done something and no one would have died. So in a way, I don't
know, maybe I'm kind of responsible. I mean," Forge sighed and leaned
back down onto his bed, "there's stuff that only I can do. No one else
could have made that suit for Ms. Blaire. Doctor MacTaggart may
understand how the inhibitor bracelets work, but she can't build one
in six minutes like I can. Stuff like that, the stuff only I can do,
that's going to be needed some day." He sat up and looked at Kyle.
"And I don't care if you don't think me being a coward is anything to
be ashamed of - next time it could be someone else who gets hurt, or
worse, because I freeze up. I don't want to be a superhero, I don't
want to be some ass kicking badass super soldier like Mr. Dayspring.
I just don't want to be responsible for someone else dying because I spaz out."
"The Professor or Dr. Samson... " Kyle stopped. "Dude, have you even
-met- that guy? He's like, huge. No, I mean, like totally Triple H
huge, but he's a shrink, only not an asshole. You should talk to
somebody anyway, because sitting on your ass and stinking up the room
is not cool." He let out a snort, and shrugged. "I just don't think
you were a coward, or whatever."
"Yeah, well, you weren't there," Forge countered. "But you're right -
I'll stop by and see if the Professor's got some time. And I don't
stink, I-" Forge stopped and smelled his shirt. "What day is it?" He
checked his calendar, then looked at his watch. "Oh god, I do
stink. Agenda item one for the day, then. Shower. Have they cooked
breakfast yet?"
"Stink ain't the word, man." Kyle snorted. "And yeah, breakfast's
over, but there's probably leftovers. There were a whole bunch of
waffles when I went down there, and I was a total dragass this
morning."
"Well, you dragass me up some waffles, and I'll try to see if I can
remember how the shower works. Is it really Friday already?" Forge
checked his watch. "Damn."
"Oh," he called as Kyle headed for the door, "if you can, um, I mean
-- don't tell anyone, okay?"
Kyle paused in mid-step. "No problem, man." It was only fair. Forge
didn't tell anyone about the nightmares, as far as Kyle knew, and so
he wasn't gonna fuck that up by telling anyone about Forge being a
slug for a couple of days.
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no subject
Date: 2005-01-07 04:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-07 06:50 pm (UTC)first time Major Shit happened (some gov't baddies attacked school going after Wisdom) Clarice teleported to the boiler room and hid under Sarah's bed for a WEEK. holding her sword like a teddybear.
someone should tell Forge this.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-07 09:45 pm (UTC)