Berlin - Amanda and the Pack, Sunday
Jan. 9th, 2005 10:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xp_daytripper posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xp_logsConversational fluff - it's strange how some of the people Amanda feels most comfortable with are mercenaries...
"So, anywhere in this place a girl can have fun?" Amanda asked generally, once the arrival and the settling down had been done. Mina was fussing over Manuel, insisting on feeding him since he'd lost weight after the Hellfire mess and the subsequent Fun With Throwing Up.
"Depends," Lien drawled from where she was very conspicuously draped over Bridge. Who wasn't objecting, and in fact had what could only be termed a shit-faced grin on. "What kind of fun did you have in mind? Because we got a very nasty letter from Nathan about making sure that we kept you two mostly out of trouble."
"He's a big party-pooper is what he is," Domino said wisely, reaching out and poking Amanda in the shoulder. "I thought you were going to teach him to loosen up?"
"He was - we had one of 'our' sorts of New Year's," Amanda said almost grumpily, smiling faintly at the sight of Lien and Bridge. People their age shouldn't be that cute.
"So I heard," Domino murmured, then laughed as the blur-that-was-David zipped into the room and collapsed into an armchair. "What?" she asked him as he rolled his eyes.
"Mina's mothering tendencies," he sighed theatrically. "I have a bad feeling about this. Remind me to scold Moira for giving her ideas."
"Remind me t' find a good place t' sit an' watch," Amanda snickered, reaching for the beer that one of the boys had so thoughtfully provided. "Don't think even you could run away fast enough from her, Speedy."
David stuck his tongue out at her, then ruined it with an amiable grin. "All this domesticity. Makes my teeth ache."
"You were the one who got married, David," Lien reminded him archly, leaning in to whisper something in GW's ear. He reddened, and she laughed wickedly.
"Well, things're definitely a lot more cuddly 'round you lot than they used t' be." Amanda couldn't help laughing a little at the new couple. "Don't make me tell you two t' get a room."
"We try. It doesn't work," Vasily murmured in his thick Russian accent from the other side of the room, his nose buried in a book. He had occasionally been peeking over the edge of it at Amanda, looking almost comically startled. Garrison snickered from the table, where he was communing with his laptop.
"Boys, boys," GW remonstrated lightly. "Keep teasing and there will be no beer."
Amanda bit down on the remark that went 'last time it didn't work with anyone', although it would have been fun to see Vasily blush again. He had when she'd been giving out hello hugs. Better not make things uncomfortable for Manuel, with reminders of Amsterdam, even if Lien and Bridge were fine with it - it didn't mean the rest were as well. "Does that count for visitors too?" she asked innocently, not letting go of the beer, just in case. "'Cause you two are worse 'n some of the kids at school, y'know."
"Oh, there'll be beer," Domino said comfortingly, patting her knee. "You're special. The boys just like to carp because they aren't getting any." Vasily and Garrison both gave her indignant looks, and she smirked at him. "Unless you've managed to make some headway with Magda?" She looked sideways at Amanda, winking. "It's their share and share alike approach. Most girls have trouble dealing with that."
"Their loss," Amanda said with a grin. "Don't know what they're missin'." Although she would be as well, unless she and Manuel managed an agreement that worked for both of them this time. "An' you two have t' show me how t' use this new toy of mine while I'm here. I can manage the easy stuff, but there's got t' be stacks I'm missin'."
Garrison perked up. "Have you figured out the GPS yet?" he asked. "I was particularly proud of the GPS..."
GW shook his head, chuckling. "You should have seen how much effort they put into that palm pilot," he said. "It speaks what, Gar, nine different languages?"
"That's the thing that tells me where I am? That'll come in handy, 'specially if I ever have the oomph for teleportin'." Her tone seemed to say that was fairly unlikely - with the stresses of the last few months, and the relapse, progress on the addiction had been negligible. Not to mention Strange didn't seem inclined to trust her too much since she'd stolen the Orb off him. "Nine languages? Any of mine?" She seemed ready to bounce up and fetch the PDA in question, with Bridge saying the magic word.
"Well, Latin and stuff," Gar said almost shyly, ducking his head. "Plus, the stuff Nate's teaching--"
"Don't forget the weather-tracking program," Vasily said.
"Or the electronic lock-cracker," Garrison said brightly.
"Or the built-in satellite phone..."
"Sure there's not somethin' in there that'll do me maths homework too?" Amanda teased, but with a broad smile and a pleased blush - people doing nice things for her always undid the tough girl attitude. "You two out-did yerselves. Really. Thank you."
Both Garrison and Vasily blushed, wearing uncannily identical sheepish looks as they murmured thanks and then dove back into their distraction-of-choice. Domino was hard-pressed not to snicker.
"I think it may actually be equipped with a miniature EMP," she confided to Amanda in one of those carrying whispers.
GW immediately looked up, then gave Garrison and Vasily a suspicious look. "I told you two no weapons." They looked moderately insulted, and he sighed, covering his eyes. "There are no weapons, are there? Dom is just pulling my leg."
"Well," Domino murmured gleefully, "that's what happens when you spend too much time thinking with your--"
"DOM!"
Amanda burst into laughter at that, relaxing properly for the first time in what felt like months. It was strange how a group of, well, mercenaries really could make her feel more comfortable than almost anyone else. Especially given recent events had meant the coven was no longer really home. A good thing none of them were telepaths - she would have been broadcasting 'keep me!' at the top of her mental lungs. "How's Ani an' Mick doin'?" she asked instead. "I hope us bein' here ain't gunna be a bother for him - poor bastard's been through enough."
The smiles fell off the faces around her, some faster than others. Domino reached out and patted her knee again. "He'll be all right," she said, quietly but firmly. "He just tends to... hide when there are new arrivals in the house. I'm sure Ani'll be down in a bit to say hello."
'Moron,' Amanda berated herself. 'Way to kill a perfectly happy mood.' "Sorry," she murmured, looking down. "Didn't mean... If it's too much, we can go stay somewhere else. Like I said, he's been through enough, an' I don't want t' make it harder for him."
"Look," GW said, briskly but gently, "odd as it might sound, that wouldn't help. In fact that just reinforces the unhealthy tendencies." Lien made a noise of agreement. "Stay. We'll see if he comes out. He's getting better about it."
"GW's the one with the experience, remember," Domino murmured in Amanda's ear. "Besides. Ani would say the same thing."
"If you say it's all right..." Amanda said, but the almost shy smile was back. "I like being here," she confided, then grinned mischievously. "Yer the only ones who get into more trouble than I do."
Later that night, Amanda runs across the elusive Mick in the kitchen. Another conversation, less fluffy, but still rather productive.
He was distracted. That was what Mick concluded afterwards. After all, he had a sonic mutation, thus much better-than-usual hearing. He shouldn't have missed the sound of footsteps, and the fact that the girl who was standing in the kitchen doorway was wearing only socks really wasn't much of an excuse.
"H-Hi," he said softly as Amanda gazed at him. "I was g-getting something t-to eat." Damned stammer. At least it was just her, and not the boyfriend. The empath. His hand went white-knuckled on the fridge door, but he forced himself to focus. No running away. Besides, she was blocking the door.
"Hello," Amanda said, almost gently. Like she would to a spooked horse. "I couldn't sleep, thought I'd try some of this hot milk business everyone talks 'bout, since I couldn't get me potion stuff through Customs. But I can do that later, if you want...?"
"N-No. It's okay. Big kitchen," he said, trying to smile. He got a bottle of juice from the fridge and retreated almost instinctively to the far end of the room, where the stools were. "J-Jet lag?" he asked as she ghosted in to where he'd been.
"Bad dreams," she said briefly, her voice not curt but obviously Not Wanting To Go There. "Side effect of the magic - messin' with powers man was not meant t' know an' all the rest of it." She rolled her eyes a little, obviously quoting someone, and got the milk out of the fridge before looking for a mug. The first couple of cupboards she tried were less than helpful. "Um, you couldn't point me in the direction of somethin' t' put this in, could you?"
Mick pointed in the direction of a cupboard on the other side of the fridge and then focused on unscrewing the lid of his juice. His hands were shaking, though, and before he could stop himself he'd dropped it. The bottle hit the floor and shattered, and the sound cut through him like a knife, and unconsciously, he was backing up into the corner, falling into a defensive position.
Amanda yelped at the sudden noise and flinched backwards herself, the air shimmering blue around her as she unconsciously cast the shielding spell. It dropped, however, at the sight of Mick, and the mess on the floor. "Bloody hell, I'm really freakin' you out, aren't I?" she asked softly, feeling a slight stab at the expression on his face. She'd hurt enough people with the magic that she dreaded seeing fear in someone's eyes as they looked at her. And that was what she thought she was seeing here. "Look, I'll get this for you, an' get out of yer way." Even as she spoke, she was concentrating on lifting the fragments of glass with the TK spell. She was out of practice - she should have been able to get the juice as well, but her concentration was shot.
TK. Like Nate? Mick took a deep, shaky breath. "It's not y-you. It's not. The noise..." He forced himself to lower his hands, away from his ears. "So t-twitchy," he said, trying to smile again, not quite managing it as his voice broke. "Not so good with the bouncing back, here. Need to work on that."
Dumping the glass into the rubbish bin, Amanda gave him a rueful smile as she grabbed a roll of paper towel to wipe up the juice. "I know a little bit 'bout that," she said, crouching down beside the puddle. "Thing is 'bout bouncin' back? If you get the time t' do it at yer own pace, go for it. 'S like healin' up a broken arm or somethin' - you can't push it any faster than it's gunna take." She snorted softly. "'Less, of course, yer've got someone like me around who can give it a push. But healin' spells don't work on people's heads, or I would've fixed mine an' Nate's a long time ago."
"Healing spells for h-heads. Nice thought." He swallowed, watching her. Trying not to attempt to meld with the wall. "Ani l-likes you," he said. "Nate's t-talked l-lots about you. I just--I wasn't at C-Columbia, but I--" He cut himself off, his eyes burning. "Didn't want to b-be around you, or the boy... in case."
Amanda stopped what she was doing and took a deep breath. Columbia. She still had the dreams, sometimes, fire and burning flesh and mocking laughter. But in a way those people hadn't been responsible, any more than Nathan had been later. "I was there when they sent Nate after the Prof as well," she said at last, not looking up at him yet, focussing instead on the soggy paper towel in her hand and the juice on the floor. "Did he tell you that? Saw him an' me guardian sluggin' it out. An' Nate tryin' t' get Pete t' kill him so he'd be stopped." There was a tremble in her voice at the last. "I don't blame him," she said after a moment. "Any more 'n I blame you for anythin' you did for those bastards. Neither of you could help it." At last she looked up at him, gave him a faint smile. "An' Manuel doesn't remember that at all. So you don't have t' worry."
"It doesn't..." Mick trailed off, sinking down to the floor. Not coming any closer to her, just getting onto her level. Instinctive reaction, after all these weeks with Anika. The feral behavior was rubbing off. "It doesn't feel like I'm n-not responsible," he said very quietly. "It's n-not like I didn't know what I wasn't doing. That I didn't make th-the decisions, sometimes, for the mission..." He shook his head slowly. "It doesn't feel real," he admitted miserably. "Two m-months, and still..."
"Yer waitin' for someone t' tell you what t' do, t' make things make sense again..." Amanda said, but more to herself than to him. "But then there's all this talk 'bout freedom, an' makin' yer own choices, an' it's the scariest fuckin' thing in the world." Looking down at the mess on the floor again, she ripped off another couple of towels and wiping up the rest of the mess, levitating the used towels to the rubbish bin after the glass. "I grew up with someone who saw me as somethin' for him t' use, an' I hated him for as long as I can remember. But when I got away from him, people seemed t' expect me t' know what t' do, how t' cope with it all. An' I didn't, so I fucked up even more. Took the school, an' Pete an' Nate an' the rest of them t' make me realise it was real, that I didn't have t' pretend I knew what I was doin', an' actually learn how." Resting her forearms on her knees, she gave him another of those rueful smiles. "It's still scary as all fuck, but at least I know I have people I can lean on if I need it."
Mick rubbed at his eyes, thinking about Ani and Nate. They'd made it, right? And Nate had made it twice. "Just... so scared of being weak," he said with a sigh, not noticing that the stutter had vanished. "There were always such consequences. Can't wrap my mind around the idea that there aren't, any more..." He took another deep breath, trying to calm down. No falling apart at Nate's... daughter, was the word Ani insisted on using. "They all want me to be happy here," he murmured. "So badly. And yet I keep waking up thinking 'I wonder if this is the day it all ends'."
Ow, cramping legs... Amanda rocked back to sit on the floor, leaning her back against the lower cupboards, careful to give him his space. This man was so like her, like Nate... She wondered if it was a 'survivors of horrible childhoods' thing, but not seriously. "It's hard gettin' used t' the fact you ain't gunna get in trouble for not bein' able t' do somethin', she agreed, using the euphemism rather than 'getting the shit beaten out of you'. "An' sometimes it's all like a dream - I wonder sometimes if I'm gunna wake up in some mental hospital an' find out it was all some kind of psychotic break. But if it is some kind of delusion, then I figure I might as well enjoy it while it lasts. Better 'n sittin' 'round waitin' for the wakeup call."
Mick gave her a ghost of a smile. "I wonder sometimes if I'm... taking too long, pulling myself together. Then Ani tells me some of the stuff she... some of the problems she had, and GW tells me about Nate that first year..." His eyes went distant. "He had a lot more to deal with than we did, though," he said quietly.
"You take as bloody long as you need to, mate, an' sod anyone who thinks otherwise," Amanda told him, pulling her knees up so she could rest her chin on them. "He told me some of what happened. 'Bout... his wife an' kid. He thinks he's broken, that he's failin' us... the fact he's here at all's a bloody miracle, if you ask me."
"That's kind of disheartening, you know. After all the time he's been out..." Mick gave a heavy sigh. "Just wish I could see the end of this," he said wistfully. "The light at the end of the tunnel, if you want to call it that."
"Well, you ain't in a madhouse that gets attacked every second week," Amanda pointed out. "Tends t' eat into the recovery time. An' he's only been properly free of the conditionin' a few months - before then he was doin' the best he could with the broken bits still in his head. Yer've gotten a clean break, as it were - anythin' you do, it's you doin' it." She gave him a reassuring smile. "Nate an' I had a talk 'bout lights an' tunnels once. Sometimes it's hard t' see the end, but he told me there's always someone with a torch t' help light yer way until you can go on yerself. It helped me back then get through some pretty bad stuff. Maybe it'll help you - the Pack'll be there, whenever you need 'em t' be. Yer one of theirs now."
"One pack for another. That's what Moira said..." Mick smiled faintly. "She's a smart woman. Also, you know, really kind of scarily patient..." He actually managed a weak laugh.
"She has t' be, with the people she loves." She tilted her head at him, pleased to hear the laugh. He needed to do that more. "I know I just met you an' all, an' my opinion probably don't count for much, for all that I'm dolin' out advice worse 'n Nate, but... I think you'll get there. Stumbles an all."
"The only thing..." He stopped, closed his eyes for a moment. Calmly. No stutter. "The only thing we had to believe in, back at... before, was each other. There wasn't anything else." He opened his eyes and focused on her, holding the smile on through sheer force of will. "This isn't all that much different, I suppose."
"So, anywhere in this place a girl can have fun?" Amanda asked generally, once the arrival and the settling down had been done. Mina was fussing over Manuel, insisting on feeding him since he'd lost weight after the Hellfire mess and the subsequent Fun With Throwing Up.
"Depends," Lien drawled from where she was very conspicuously draped over Bridge. Who wasn't objecting, and in fact had what could only be termed a shit-faced grin on. "What kind of fun did you have in mind? Because we got a very nasty letter from Nathan about making sure that we kept you two mostly out of trouble."
"He's a big party-pooper is what he is," Domino said wisely, reaching out and poking Amanda in the shoulder. "I thought you were going to teach him to loosen up?"
"He was - we had one of 'our' sorts of New Year's," Amanda said almost grumpily, smiling faintly at the sight of Lien and Bridge. People their age shouldn't be that cute.
"So I heard," Domino murmured, then laughed as the blur-that-was-David zipped into the room and collapsed into an armchair. "What?" she asked him as he rolled his eyes.
"Mina's mothering tendencies," he sighed theatrically. "I have a bad feeling about this. Remind me to scold Moira for giving her ideas."
"Remind me t' find a good place t' sit an' watch," Amanda snickered, reaching for the beer that one of the boys had so thoughtfully provided. "Don't think even you could run away fast enough from her, Speedy."
David stuck his tongue out at her, then ruined it with an amiable grin. "All this domesticity. Makes my teeth ache."
"You were the one who got married, David," Lien reminded him archly, leaning in to whisper something in GW's ear. He reddened, and she laughed wickedly.
"Well, things're definitely a lot more cuddly 'round you lot than they used t' be." Amanda couldn't help laughing a little at the new couple. "Don't make me tell you two t' get a room."
"We try. It doesn't work," Vasily murmured in his thick Russian accent from the other side of the room, his nose buried in a book. He had occasionally been peeking over the edge of it at Amanda, looking almost comically startled. Garrison snickered from the table, where he was communing with his laptop.
"Boys, boys," GW remonstrated lightly. "Keep teasing and there will be no beer."
Amanda bit down on the remark that went 'last time it didn't work with anyone', although it would have been fun to see Vasily blush again. He had when she'd been giving out hello hugs. Better not make things uncomfortable for Manuel, with reminders of Amsterdam, even if Lien and Bridge were fine with it - it didn't mean the rest were as well. "Does that count for visitors too?" she asked innocently, not letting go of the beer, just in case. "'Cause you two are worse 'n some of the kids at school, y'know."
"Oh, there'll be beer," Domino said comfortingly, patting her knee. "You're special. The boys just like to carp because they aren't getting any." Vasily and Garrison both gave her indignant looks, and she smirked at him. "Unless you've managed to make some headway with Magda?" She looked sideways at Amanda, winking. "It's their share and share alike approach. Most girls have trouble dealing with that."
"Their loss," Amanda said with a grin. "Don't know what they're missin'." Although she would be as well, unless she and Manuel managed an agreement that worked for both of them this time. "An' you two have t' show me how t' use this new toy of mine while I'm here. I can manage the easy stuff, but there's got t' be stacks I'm missin'."
Garrison perked up. "Have you figured out the GPS yet?" he asked. "I was particularly proud of the GPS..."
GW shook his head, chuckling. "You should have seen how much effort they put into that palm pilot," he said. "It speaks what, Gar, nine different languages?"
"That's the thing that tells me where I am? That'll come in handy, 'specially if I ever have the oomph for teleportin'." Her tone seemed to say that was fairly unlikely - with the stresses of the last few months, and the relapse, progress on the addiction had been negligible. Not to mention Strange didn't seem inclined to trust her too much since she'd stolen the Orb off him. "Nine languages? Any of mine?" She seemed ready to bounce up and fetch the PDA in question, with Bridge saying the magic word.
"Well, Latin and stuff," Gar said almost shyly, ducking his head. "Plus, the stuff Nate's teaching--"
"Don't forget the weather-tracking program," Vasily said.
"Or the electronic lock-cracker," Garrison said brightly.
"Or the built-in satellite phone..."
"Sure there's not somethin' in there that'll do me maths homework too?" Amanda teased, but with a broad smile and a pleased blush - people doing nice things for her always undid the tough girl attitude. "You two out-did yerselves. Really. Thank you."
Both Garrison and Vasily blushed, wearing uncannily identical sheepish looks as they murmured thanks and then dove back into their distraction-of-choice. Domino was hard-pressed not to snicker.
"I think it may actually be equipped with a miniature EMP," she confided to Amanda in one of those carrying whispers.
GW immediately looked up, then gave Garrison and Vasily a suspicious look. "I told you two no weapons." They looked moderately insulted, and he sighed, covering his eyes. "There are no weapons, are there? Dom is just pulling my leg."
"Well," Domino murmured gleefully, "that's what happens when you spend too much time thinking with your--"
"DOM!"
Amanda burst into laughter at that, relaxing properly for the first time in what felt like months. It was strange how a group of, well, mercenaries really could make her feel more comfortable than almost anyone else. Especially given recent events had meant the coven was no longer really home. A good thing none of them were telepaths - she would have been broadcasting 'keep me!' at the top of her mental lungs. "How's Ani an' Mick doin'?" she asked instead. "I hope us bein' here ain't gunna be a bother for him - poor bastard's been through enough."
The smiles fell off the faces around her, some faster than others. Domino reached out and patted her knee again. "He'll be all right," she said, quietly but firmly. "He just tends to... hide when there are new arrivals in the house. I'm sure Ani'll be down in a bit to say hello."
'Moron,' Amanda berated herself. 'Way to kill a perfectly happy mood.' "Sorry," she murmured, looking down. "Didn't mean... If it's too much, we can go stay somewhere else. Like I said, he's been through enough, an' I don't want t' make it harder for him."
"Look," GW said, briskly but gently, "odd as it might sound, that wouldn't help. In fact that just reinforces the unhealthy tendencies." Lien made a noise of agreement. "Stay. We'll see if he comes out. He's getting better about it."
"GW's the one with the experience, remember," Domino murmured in Amanda's ear. "Besides. Ani would say the same thing."
"If you say it's all right..." Amanda said, but the almost shy smile was back. "I like being here," she confided, then grinned mischievously. "Yer the only ones who get into more trouble than I do."
Later that night, Amanda runs across the elusive Mick in the kitchen. Another conversation, less fluffy, but still rather productive.
He was distracted. That was what Mick concluded afterwards. After all, he had a sonic mutation, thus much better-than-usual hearing. He shouldn't have missed the sound of footsteps, and the fact that the girl who was standing in the kitchen doorway was wearing only socks really wasn't much of an excuse.
"H-Hi," he said softly as Amanda gazed at him. "I was g-getting something t-to eat." Damned stammer. At least it was just her, and not the boyfriend. The empath. His hand went white-knuckled on the fridge door, but he forced himself to focus. No running away. Besides, she was blocking the door.
"Hello," Amanda said, almost gently. Like she would to a spooked horse. "I couldn't sleep, thought I'd try some of this hot milk business everyone talks 'bout, since I couldn't get me potion stuff through Customs. But I can do that later, if you want...?"
"N-No. It's okay. Big kitchen," he said, trying to smile. He got a bottle of juice from the fridge and retreated almost instinctively to the far end of the room, where the stools were. "J-Jet lag?" he asked as she ghosted in to where he'd been.
"Bad dreams," she said briefly, her voice not curt but obviously Not Wanting To Go There. "Side effect of the magic - messin' with powers man was not meant t' know an' all the rest of it." She rolled her eyes a little, obviously quoting someone, and got the milk out of the fridge before looking for a mug. The first couple of cupboards she tried were less than helpful. "Um, you couldn't point me in the direction of somethin' t' put this in, could you?"
Mick pointed in the direction of a cupboard on the other side of the fridge and then focused on unscrewing the lid of his juice. His hands were shaking, though, and before he could stop himself he'd dropped it. The bottle hit the floor and shattered, and the sound cut through him like a knife, and unconsciously, he was backing up into the corner, falling into a defensive position.
Amanda yelped at the sudden noise and flinched backwards herself, the air shimmering blue around her as she unconsciously cast the shielding spell. It dropped, however, at the sight of Mick, and the mess on the floor. "Bloody hell, I'm really freakin' you out, aren't I?" she asked softly, feeling a slight stab at the expression on his face. She'd hurt enough people with the magic that she dreaded seeing fear in someone's eyes as they looked at her. And that was what she thought she was seeing here. "Look, I'll get this for you, an' get out of yer way." Even as she spoke, she was concentrating on lifting the fragments of glass with the TK spell. She was out of practice - she should have been able to get the juice as well, but her concentration was shot.
TK. Like Nate? Mick took a deep, shaky breath. "It's not y-you. It's not. The noise..." He forced himself to lower his hands, away from his ears. "So t-twitchy," he said, trying to smile again, not quite managing it as his voice broke. "Not so good with the bouncing back, here. Need to work on that."
Dumping the glass into the rubbish bin, Amanda gave him a rueful smile as she grabbed a roll of paper towel to wipe up the juice. "I know a little bit 'bout that," she said, crouching down beside the puddle. "Thing is 'bout bouncin' back? If you get the time t' do it at yer own pace, go for it. 'S like healin' up a broken arm or somethin' - you can't push it any faster than it's gunna take." She snorted softly. "'Less, of course, yer've got someone like me around who can give it a push. But healin' spells don't work on people's heads, or I would've fixed mine an' Nate's a long time ago."
"Healing spells for h-heads. Nice thought." He swallowed, watching her. Trying not to attempt to meld with the wall. "Ani l-likes you," he said. "Nate's t-talked l-lots about you. I just--I wasn't at C-Columbia, but I--" He cut himself off, his eyes burning. "Didn't want to b-be around you, or the boy... in case."
Amanda stopped what she was doing and took a deep breath. Columbia. She still had the dreams, sometimes, fire and burning flesh and mocking laughter. But in a way those people hadn't been responsible, any more than Nathan had been later. "I was there when they sent Nate after the Prof as well," she said at last, not looking up at him yet, focussing instead on the soggy paper towel in her hand and the juice on the floor. "Did he tell you that? Saw him an' me guardian sluggin' it out. An' Nate tryin' t' get Pete t' kill him so he'd be stopped." There was a tremble in her voice at the last. "I don't blame him," she said after a moment. "Any more 'n I blame you for anythin' you did for those bastards. Neither of you could help it." At last she looked up at him, gave him a faint smile. "An' Manuel doesn't remember that at all. So you don't have t' worry."
"It doesn't..." Mick trailed off, sinking down to the floor. Not coming any closer to her, just getting onto her level. Instinctive reaction, after all these weeks with Anika. The feral behavior was rubbing off. "It doesn't feel like I'm n-not responsible," he said very quietly. "It's n-not like I didn't know what I wasn't doing. That I didn't make th-the decisions, sometimes, for the mission..." He shook his head slowly. "It doesn't feel real," he admitted miserably. "Two m-months, and still..."
"Yer waitin' for someone t' tell you what t' do, t' make things make sense again..." Amanda said, but more to herself than to him. "But then there's all this talk 'bout freedom, an' makin' yer own choices, an' it's the scariest fuckin' thing in the world." Looking down at the mess on the floor again, she ripped off another couple of towels and wiping up the rest of the mess, levitating the used towels to the rubbish bin after the glass. "I grew up with someone who saw me as somethin' for him t' use, an' I hated him for as long as I can remember. But when I got away from him, people seemed t' expect me t' know what t' do, how t' cope with it all. An' I didn't, so I fucked up even more. Took the school, an' Pete an' Nate an' the rest of them t' make me realise it was real, that I didn't have t' pretend I knew what I was doin', an' actually learn how." Resting her forearms on her knees, she gave him another of those rueful smiles. "It's still scary as all fuck, but at least I know I have people I can lean on if I need it."
Mick rubbed at his eyes, thinking about Ani and Nate. They'd made it, right? And Nate had made it twice. "Just... so scared of being weak," he said with a sigh, not noticing that the stutter had vanished. "There were always such consequences. Can't wrap my mind around the idea that there aren't, any more..." He took another deep breath, trying to calm down. No falling apart at Nate's... daughter, was the word Ani insisted on using. "They all want me to be happy here," he murmured. "So badly. And yet I keep waking up thinking 'I wonder if this is the day it all ends'."
Ow, cramping legs... Amanda rocked back to sit on the floor, leaning her back against the lower cupboards, careful to give him his space. This man was so like her, like Nate... She wondered if it was a 'survivors of horrible childhoods' thing, but not seriously. "It's hard gettin' used t' the fact you ain't gunna get in trouble for not bein' able t' do somethin', she agreed, using the euphemism rather than 'getting the shit beaten out of you'. "An' sometimes it's all like a dream - I wonder sometimes if I'm gunna wake up in some mental hospital an' find out it was all some kind of psychotic break. But if it is some kind of delusion, then I figure I might as well enjoy it while it lasts. Better 'n sittin' 'round waitin' for the wakeup call."
Mick gave her a ghost of a smile. "I wonder sometimes if I'm... taking too long, pulling myself together. Then Ani tells me some of the stuff she... some of the problems she had, and GW tells me about Nate that first year..." His eyes went distant. "He had a lot more to deal with than we did, though," he said quietly.
"You take as bloody long as you need to, mate, an' sod anyone who thinks otherwise," Amanda told him, pulling her knees up so she could rest her chin on them. "He told me some of what happened. 'Bout... his wife an' kid. He thinks he's broken, that he's failin' us... the fact he's here at all's a bloody miracle, if you ask me."
"That's kind of disheartening, you know. After all the time he's been out..." Mick gave a heavy sigh. "Just wish I could see the end of this," he said wistfully. "The light at the end of the tunnel, if you want to call it that."
"Well, you ain't in a madhouse that gets attacked every second week," Amanda pointed out. "Tends t' eat into the recovery time. An' he's only been properly free of the conditionin' a few months - before then he was doin' the best he could with the broken bits still in his head. Yer've gotten a clean break, as it were - anythin' you do, it's you doin' it." She gave him a reassuring smile. "Nate an' I had a talk 'bout lights an' tunnels once. Sometimes it's hard t' see the end, but he told me there's always someone with a torch t' help light yer way until you can go on yerself. It helped me back then get through some pretty bad stuff. Maybe it'll help you - the Pack'll be there, whenever you need 'em t' be. Yer one of theirs now."
"One pack for another. That's what Moira said..." Mick smiled faintly. "She's a smart woman. Also, you know, really kind of scarily patient..." He actually managed a weak laugh.
"She has t' be, with the people she loves." She tilted her head at him, pleased to hear the laugh. He needed to do that more. "I know I just met you an' all, an' my opinion probably don't count for much, for all that I'm dolin' out advice worse 'n Nate, but... I think you'll get there. Stumbles an all."
"The only thing..." He stopped, closed his eyes for a moment. Calmly. No stutter. "The only thing we had to believe in, back at... before, was each other. There wasn't anything else." He opened his eyes and focused on her, holding the smile on through sheer force of will. "This isn't all that much different, I suppose."
