Amanda, Jubilee - Thursday morning

[xp_daytripper]

Before Amanda's announcement in her journal about Columbia, she was on medlab duty. Changing Jubilee's bandages, she and her arch-nemesis talk about dreams and memories.




Wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

'Runaway' - Linkin Park

***

Jubilee jerked from the brief doze she'd drifted into, blinking as she felt the cool hand against her forehead and met Amanda's eyes. She forced her limbs to relax, and resisted the urge to break away, eyes questioning.

"Mandy?"

"Yeah," Amanda said, letting that go on account of Jubilee being hurt and all. "I'm on helper duty today, so yeah, you get t' ask me t' fetch stuff for you an' help you t' the bog an' all. Unless 's gunna be a problem, in which case I can tell Moira an' she'll make sure you don't get me again." There was a slight bitterness in her tone as she added. "'S not like I can do much else 'round here, tho', if you do throw me out."

Jubilee cleared her throat, eyes flicking around for the water glass. She was still feeling somewhat drowsy but that was beginning to fade as she sat up in the bed. "Don't worry, not gonna tell you to go away. How come ya ain't got anythin' else to do though?"

Amanda caught her look and guessed what she was after - medlab tended to dry people out, so water was pretty much automatic now. "Here," she said, passing over the ready-filled plastic cup. "Didn't you see on the journals? The docs're cuttin' me off healing-wise. 'Life an' death only' for the next six months." The bitterness wasn't even slight this time.

"Been a bit distracted lately. Any particular reason you're upset about people caring about you? S'not likely Mads and the rest are just doin' it just for shits and giggles." Jubilee replied after she took a sip of the water.

She was remembering the conversation she'd had with the younger version of Amanda. She knew why Amanda was upset about having the ability to heal people taken away from her but it wasn't like she could just come right out and say 'By the way, I was visited by a memory/dream construct of you and we both think you're pushing yourself too damn hard.'

"It's nothin' t' do with whether they care 'bout me or not, it's..." Amanda cut herself off, realising who she was talking to. "I just don't like feelin' useless," she almost muttered sullenly. "'S not like there's much good I can do with the magic past the healin', an' now I'm not allowed to. Besides, I'm used t' the headaches by now - I would've thought not havin' someone in pain'd be worth me bein' tired for a few days an' needin' a few extra asprin."

"Dude, she was so right. Silly as all get out. You ever think that maybe you're useful because you want to help, rather then because you can use magic. Not like I see the whole school down here offerin' to help me stumble to the bathroom. You're willin' to do the dirty work, right? Means a lot more then just wavin' yer hand and speakin' a few words."

"Who're you callin' silly, Tinkerbell?" Amanda retorted, a little stung by the words. And the implication that the magic wasn't more than hand waving and a few words. "An' 'she' who? You been talkin' 'bout me behind me back again? Should I be worryin' 'bout another demon poppin' up?"

"Well, she was referring to both of us at the time. An I see I'm makin' a bit of a bad go at this. I was tryin' to be reassuring, I guess. I had a dream last night. She was you, or maybe just a figment. Kinda fuzzy now." Jubilee sighed, noting the chair beside her bed. "You wanna pull up a
chair and I'll explain? Better then I have been, hopefully. Or, you could storm out of here in a huff, I guess. S'your choice."

"I still need t' re-do yer bandages," Amanda pointed out stiffly. She was annoyed by what Jubilee had said, and worried about who she'd been talking to, but she was also curious. Curiosity won out over injured pride and she took a seat. "Now, start from the beginnin'. 'Cause
you ain't makin' a whole lot of sense."

Jubilee wrinkled her nose in distaste. Changing her bandages was usually painful, as was moving about to be honest. Still, not as bad as the pain she'd felt from Alison that time. She guessed having reference to something much worse helped in cases like this.

"Sure. So, I'm like asleep, ya know? The first part is all kinda fuzzy, guess cause it wasn't all that important. There was this hallway full of locked doors and then I opened one. And then I was starin' down at this little kid..." Jubilee trailed off, reluctant suddenly to describe the dream. They were Amanda's memories she'd been seeing and that particular one hadn't been pleasant. "I'm sorry." she said, her tone a softer one then she'd ever used with Amanda.

"What did you see?" Amanda asked, much less suspiciously than she felt, but the other girl's reaction had taken her by surprise. It was a much more sincere apology than she'd ever heard from Jubilee before, even after Halloween.

"You. Rack. I don't... It just wasn't pretty, at all. You had a broken arm and were healin' it. I guess he must have done it to you cause he seemed mighty pissed when he came across you." Jubilee shifted in the bed, uncomfortable with the memories that Strange had given her. She felt like a thief, seeing things she never should have been given.

"I tried ta stop him but my hands passed straight through. I guess ya can't change somethin' that's been done already."

Her eyes locked with Amanda's suddenly, a fierce and angry look but not directed at the teenager. "Rack was wrong. An not bein' able to use ya magic doesn't make you useless. An I 'm sorry I said the things I did to you, that day after ya tried to help. I didn't know, an I was wrong, and you did deserve someone to thank you." Jubilee turned her gaze away, unsure and fidgety. She wished she could just show her. Words seemed inadequate for the job.

Amanda had gone very pale, and unconsciously she cradled her right arm in her lap the same way Jubilee had seen the memory-version do. "He did," she said faintly. "Break me arm. That was the first time I ever did the healing spell - I don't even know how I learned it, it was like it was always there..." She didn't mention she'd probably learned it watching Margali as a very young child - the stuff to do with her birth family was still too new, too private, and Jubilee hadn't earned that kind of trust. "He was so mad, not 'cause I'd fixed what he'd done, but 'cause it used too much power, everything I had at that time, an' he couldn't drain me. He'd been plannin' some big spell, an' didn't have his power source. Beat six kinds of shite out of me." She looked up at Jubilee. "I never told anyone that. Not ever. Was it... was it what Strange gave you? My memories?"

"Yeah. I tried lockin' them away. Spent hours wallin' 'em up deep as I could get 'em. Guess if ya need to know somethin', it don't stay locked up for long. She said you remember that day, every time you do the healing spell, even though you don't notice it. She said she was part of the memories that Strange gave me. I'm gettin' ahead of myself though, there's more."

Jubilee settled back against her pillows, not wanting to try and move them so she could sit up. Her hands and arms still hurt quite a bit and even though the pain killers kept it fairly dulled, she didn't particularly want to test it.

"She was there, after I tried to grab Rack and couldn't. She looked like you, but younger, maybe 11 years old. She said I couldn't just shove things aside and expect them to disappear."

That was familiar, in a way that stung - what was Gemile doing chatting with Jubilee? And what was Strange doing putting her in Jubilee's head? There had to be a reason, obviously - she made a note to have a talk with him about the whole incident. "She's a nosy one," Amanda said at last. "An' stubborn - I'm guessin' she didn't like bein' locked up, an' decided t' get through t' you the best way she could." She frowned, not liking the fact it was her past that was being used as an example here. "'S the nightmare I always get after a healin', that day. Somethin' in me tryin' t' tell me what it cost, I suppose."

"People heal by 'emselves all the time. I can understand why you'd push yourself for someone that was at death's door, or had a cripplin' injury but why give yourself headaches and nightmares when it's stuff that'll heal in time anyhow?" Jubilee asked. She realised with no small sense of irony that she herself had once pushed Amanda into healing a non lethal injury, something that would've healed in its own due time. She realised with a small start of surprise that she would have refused that healing now.

"Because..." Amanda paused, trying to decide if she really wanted Jubilee to know this. Then she remembered the conversation out by the dock, and second chances. "Because it's what I can do t' make up for stuff I've done. Not just here, but before," she said bluntly. "Yer always natterin' on 'bout karma, yeah? Well, this is mine. When I went back t' England that first time, Rom taught me 'bout somethin' called the threefold rule - everythin' I do comes back t' me threefold. So if I hurt someone, or do somethin' 'cause I'm selfish, or use magic that's not on the approved list, well, I have t' pay for it. The side effects of magic're part of that. An' since I've done a fuckload of bad things in me time, both magic an' otherwise, we'll, I've got a lot t' pay for, don't I?"

"Don't think it works like that. Least, not in the way you're
thinking." Jubilee said, her tone thoughtful. "You can't make up for the bad things you do just by doing good. They don't cancel each other out like that. Especially if you're only doin' the good thing to make up for the bad thing."

She wasn't saying it to hurt the other girl or start an argument, it was just something she herself had been thinking about for some time now. They weren't pretty words though, or nice ones. Jubilee had a small idea that what she was saying would hurt, she just hoped Amanda would understand.

"It's like when I said I was sorry for the demon. Doin' it out in public like, because I thought it'd make a difference that I owned up to it. But it wasn't the right way to do it, an I guess in a way it was me tryin' to escape the lumps I shoulda got for what I did. Ya can't escape the punishment yer gonna get for the stupid things you do, just by tryin' to paint over it with a good act. Trick is to take yer lumps and still be good anyway, an try not to do anything bad again. Not sayin' that works, sometimes ya gotta do stuff that ain't pretty for the greater good. Guess that's when it comes down to choices, right?"

"I ain't doin' it only 'cause of that. 'S why I don't care 'bout the headaches an' the nightmares. You think I like seein' people hurtin' when I know I can do somethin' 'bout it?" Amanda snapped. "Oh, but that's right, I ain't a decent human bein', 'cordin' t' you. So why shouldn't
you think I don't care?" Clenching her hands into fists in her lap, focussing on not yelling at the girl outright - the last thing she wanted was McCoy or Bartlet on her back for upsetting patients - she took a deep breath and went on. "What happens t' me... it don't matter. If I can help someone, even if it's some stupid little thing like a couple of scratches, then the pain's worth it. The pain's me takin' me lumps as you put it, since for one reason or another I've gotten away with a shiteload of stuff over the years. The healin' is me choosin' t' help someone, except now I've had that choice taken away from me, an' that's what pisses me off. Not just 'cause I feel useless - I hate seein' people hurt, even you, Lee, an' I ain't allowed t' fix that. An' the choice isn't mine any more, since obviously I can't make that sort of choice any more."

Jubilee struggled to sit up, cursing softly at the pain but she finally got there. She glared at the other girl, wildly angry. "I know that." Jubilee snapped. "I wasn't sayin' it was your only reason for doin' it. Just sharin' knowledge is all. An I was wrong when I said that to you, that you weren't a decent human being. I've said a lot of really hurtful shit to you the last year. Truth is, I was sayin' it to myself. That's why I've been so hard on you, Mandy. Cause we're so fuckin' alike sometimes. An I hated myself so much, it was easier takin' it out on you then thinkin' about why I couldn't look at myself in the mirror."

Her voice caught on the last, swallowing hard as she went on.

"Don't you fuckin' dare discount yourself like you don't matter. It does matter what happens to you. It matters whether you give yourself nosebleeds and headaches so bad ya can't stand. I don't hate myself any more now. An I sure as hell, don't wanna hurt you anymore either. I'm sorry, Mandy. For tryin' to break you. I'm so fuckin' sorry."

For a long, long moment, there was silence, Jubilee unable to see Amanda's expression as the other girl had bowed her head and her hair was hiding her face. Then there came a low chuckle, that was almost like a sob, and she looked up, tears running down her face - Jubilee realised she'd never actually seen Amanda cry in front of her before. Certainly not stone c old sober, that was for sure. "That was why?" she asked at last. "That was why you kep at me so much? I figured it was 'cause you thought I really was that shitty excuse for a human bein' you thought I was after Limbo." With another hiccuping laugh, she went on. "You wanna know somethin'? Why you got at me so much? Everythin' you said, everythin' you did... it hurt 'cause all of it was somethin' I'd told meself at one time or other. You might've been aimin' it at yerself, but yer right, we're too fuckin' alike - you were that nasty little voice inside me head walkin' around makin' time with me boyfriend an' flauntin' the fact yer prettier than me."

Jubilee reached out and picked up the tissue box that was sitting on the table next to her, handing them to Amanda. She wasn't good at comforting gestures but felt maybe they weren't needed. Words seemed to have gotten them this far, maybe they'd help heal wounds as well.

"If you're a shitty excuse for a human being, then I must be too. But I spent too long thinkin' of myself like that. Like I wasn't worth anythin'. Or that bein' around me got people hurt. Could never get close to anyone, an most of the time pushed people away. She said we were silly, cause out of everyone here we could understand best, an all we were interested in, was ta keep hurtin' each other."

"Uppity little brat," Amanda said with a brief, watery grin, taking the offered tissues. "Fuck, we are too bloody alike - the whole time I was withdrawin', after the potion business, all I could think of was pushin' people away so I didn't get 'em hurt like I had already. Said some horrible things t' people." She wiped her eyes and blew her nose, not caring that much that she'd been blubbing in front of Lee - it didn't matter so much. "Right, so we're both silly, an' neither of us is a shitty excuse for a human bein'. Anythin' else me inner child feel the need t' blab about?"

"Well, she did say you had crappy taste in music." Jubilee said, her expression completely solemn and serious for just long enough before breaking down into snickers.

"Oh, you bitch," Amanda said without malice, a grin appearing. "An' I've got the perfect way t' pay you back." She got up and picked up the stainless-steel bowl containing fresh bandages and antiseptic burn cream. "Time t' change yer dressin', Jubilee. An' just for that, 'm gunna sing at you - 'Anarchy in the UK' should be just the ticket..."

"Oh dear god no! I'll be good, promise" Jubilee said between bouts of snickering. "Truly have I seen the error of my ways."

It felt good to laugh, to be teasing someone because it was fun rather then because you wanted to score a hit. She leaned back, offering her arm with a smile, not particularly minding the sudden off key singing at all.