xp_logs | Nathan and Amanda, very late Monday night (Reply)

Nathan waits for several more hours, until the house is quiet, before going to see Amanda. They talk a little about the memorial and their memories of that day, but they're both too exhausted to do more than hang on so that the memories don't drag them back under. He wishes her a good trip and offers some advice; she threatens dire things if he sprains his brain while she's gone.

Nathan knocked tentatively on Amanda's door. Not such a good idea, maybe, he thought tiredly, but if he stayed away tonight, she'd wonder why. He needed to at least touch base with her before she left for New Orleans.

Equally tentatively, Amanda opened it. It was late, and while she and Angie hadn't been sleeping - well, she guessed Angie wasn't sleeping, since she had gone over to Doug's room - she'd assumed everyone else was. She gave him a brief, weary smile when she saw who it was - it had been a very long day, and shaping up to not end any time soon. "Hey."

"Hey." He stepped in, hesitated for a moment, but then enfolded her in a careful hug. "So," he joked a bit weakly. "You appear to be intact."

"Dead on me feet, but yeah, still in one piece. Too wired t' sleep, tho', an' there's not much point with this plane leavin' so early..." Amanda couldn't help leaning into the hug a bit, glad for the physical contact. Really long day. "How're you holdin' up?"

"Oh, fine..." He didn't manage to make it sound quite convincing, but then, she wouldn't expect him to. He held onto her for a moment, trying to push everything else away, just for a second. "Proud of you," he said more quietly, and if there was a catch in his voice... well, there were lots of reasons for that.

"I'm glad," she murmured, resting her face against the woollen sweater he was wearing, feeling the tension in him but too tired, too wrung out to deal with it right now. "I never meant t' hurt you with any of this, Nate. I just wish..." She broke off, not even sure of how to say what she wanted to say, not even sure what it was she wanted. Besides just to stop thinking about it for a while.

"Wish none of it had happened in the first place?" He laughed weakly, then steered her over to the couch, not letting go of her. "Me too, kiddo. Believe me." She didn't seem inclined to let go of him either, even when they were sitting down. "I'm not sure I could have gone back," he said quietly. "Hard enough seeing the place again on TV. You going to be okay?"

"I dunno. Bein' there, seein' all those people... brought it all back, big time." Amanda snuggled under his arm, letting her head rest on the hollow beneath his shoulder - her place. "Last night, I couldn't sleep... kept seein' it every time I closed my eyes." She shuddered a little. "Him, mostly. The pyrokinetic. Laughin' at me, laughin' at the people he was..." Making a little strangled noise in the back of her throat, she held onto him tighter. "He enjoyed it, Nate. I know he was conditioned, but it wasn't the same - there was somethin' in him that wanted as many people as he could take down dead. An' when I tried t' stop him, he... he made me feel worse than useless. Shrugged off everythin' I threw at him like it was parlour tricks for kids." She shouldn't be saying this, not to him, not now, possibly not ever, but she had to say it to someone, and Nathan had been there, he'd seen what she had. "I'm sorry. Shouldn't be tellin' you this."

Nathan closed his eyes for a moment, concentrating on keeping his expression level, his breathing steady. "I was so terrified for you that day," he said hoarsely. Focus on that. On the fact that she was here, all right, that he'd had no right to expect that, after what had happened on that day six months ago. "Kept coming back to me at night, the last few days... remembering not being able to find you, in the middle of it all..."

A wobbly chuckle escaped her. "An' I was scared for you. Thought you were dead for sure, when the car went up. An' then seein' 'em comin' for you like that... I didn't want t' get in yer way, make you lose yer concentration, so I kept down, like you told me to. Only he turned up, an' I couldn't let him do that, couldn't sit there an' watch..." She clamped down hard on the sob that was threatening to escape - she wasn't going to end tonight in tears, she wouldn't. "There were some FoH wankers who came up to us later today, lookin' t' make trouble. They said we were responsible, Nate. All of us. An' all I could think of was you blamin' yerself for all this, when it wasn't down t' you at all, an' I wanted t' tell them the truth, that it was ordinary humans like them that started all this in the first place, makin' Mistra... Only I couldn't, 'cause it wouldn't be just me, or even you. It's all those kids out there."

Nathan's jaw clenched, and for a moment he couldn't manage anything in the way of words. "I'm sorry you had to listen to that," he said, forcing himself to answer. "But you know that they don't know the truth." That they couldn't know the truth. Keep the secret, save lives... except what kind of lives were they being saved to live? Nathan squeezed his eyes shut, fighting for control. Not here. Not now.

"I know. I wanted t' tell them, tell everyone, what was goin' on, but I knew I couldn't. All I could do was hint at it." Amanda could feel the tension thrumming through him, and sighed, tiredly, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry," she repeated. "We keep havin' these talks an' I keep draggin' it up for you. Just as well I'm out of yer way for a bit soon."

"I never want you out of the way," he said very softly, smiling almost despite himself. "Even when you're driving me to distraction. And with you and Moira both gone... I'll be all forlorn. You just watch."

She made a happier-sounding noise and snuggled closer. "I don't really want t' go," she murmured tiredly. "I should be here with you, or with Pete an' Rom. But I said I would, an' this person don't sound like the sort t' stand up. An' Angie'll need a mate - at least I know this sort of stuff. She doesn't, 'cept what she's picked up from me."

"Just be careful," Nathan told her, more seriously. "Respectful. This person doesn't sound like someone to fuck around with." His smile turned a little wry. "And listen to Remy. This is going to be his turf, remember."

"You do realise the last time I listened t' Remy was Vegas, right?" she pointed out, but not seriously at all. "I'll be good - she seems t' think she's got somethin' t' teach me, an' I'm sort of stuck right now. Forge is helpin' me more than Strange is."

Forge? He didn't pursue the question, though. Didn't really have the energy. "I'll miss you," he murmured, "but it's probably good for you to get away for a bit. If it's a productive trip, so much the better."

"Pete said the same - if there is anythin' that comes of today, best I'm out of sight." She sighed and repeated: "I don't wanna go. Who'll look out for you? Or Pete an' Rom, for that matter. Feels like I'm lettin' 'em down."

The smile he gave her then was almost completely unstrained, if still overly weary. "We are supposed to be the adults here, mi'caehla. Not that we don't love you dearly and rely on you to brighten our days, but we can get along with you for a week or so while you further your education."

A low chuckle escaped her. "I tend t' forget that, don't I? Too much bein' the grown-up meself, I s'pose." Amanda gave him a poke in the ribs. "No breakin' yer brain. Or endin' up in medlab. I'll be cranky, otherwise, an' I'm told I'm scary when I'm cranky."

"Between you and Moira, I don't dare damage myself. You'll both think I waited to do it until your backs were turned, and your wrath will be most terrible." Amazing, that he could find the capacity for banter, after the events of the day. He supposed she brought out the best in him.