Scott and Jubilee log

[x-jubilee.livejournal.com]

Date: Monday 14th March 2005 Time: 5:30pm

Characters involved Jubilation Lee, Scott Summers

What Happens? Jubilee comes to talk to Scott, they completely fail to yell at each other.

Lyrics from 'All that you wanted' by Michelle Branch




Jubilee knocked on the door of Scott's office, slightly nervous after
her conversation with Alison. She was, confused would probably be the
best word for it, she had assumed Scott was one of the happy ones. His
reply on her journal had seemed to suggest that he wasn't. Gah, she
didn't want to say anything wrong here but Scott had come to see her
when she was angry and tried to talk to her, could she do any less for
him?

The drive back with Manuel had been oddly calming; actually, the whole
outing had been oddly calming, which is not something Scott had ever
thought he'd say about a driving lesson with the young empath. Then
again, you know darned well the driving lesson was just an excuse,
don't you? It was good to see Manuel trying to reach out like
that, even above and beyond the fact that he'd been the beneficiary.

He had settled back down to some work once he'd gotten back in. Just
because Manuel had given him some food for thought didn't mean that he
suddenly felt social, or willing to deal with the mansion in general
just yet. So when the knock came at the door he looked up, hesitating
for a moment before he called out to whoever it was to come in.

The door opened, revealing Jubilee, and he stiffened in his chair.

Jubilee smiled rather hesitantly, almost creeping into the office and
closing the door behind her before leaning up against it, her fingers
pressing against the wood, seeking comfort in something solid and
dependable. Doors weren't things that could confuse you, or react in
strange and frightening ways to things you said. "Hey, just comin' to
see if you're okay."

"I'm--fine." It came out automatically. Not all that convincingly, but
automatically. Scott unconsciously started shifting the files in front
of him, avoiding Jubilee's eyes. "Look, the stuff in the journals... I
shouldn't have been reading the journals in the first place, really -
" Alison had pointed out that, very gently. " - and I didn't mean... I
mean, I just..." He stopped. "Hank explained," he said, his voice a
little unsteadily. "Can we pretend I didn't say anything, please?"

Jubilee smiled again but it was a sad, weak sort of thing. Scott, she
wasn't used to seeing him like this, so unsteady. It hurt in some
indefinable way. Even when he was yelling his head off at her about
being irresponsible he'd always seemed solid. She was learning that
people didn't always react in ways she could understand. "We can.
Although, I'm sorry, ya know? I didn't know you were so upset. An
well, when I did I wanted ta come see you, cause you helped me when I
was upset, right? An even though I'm probably not gonna be able to say
anything that could make it better. Well, I just, I wanted ta try
anyway."

"I'm not..." Oh, fuck, he couldn't do this. But he had to. Just like
he'd had to go out with Manuel today even before he'd realized it was
the beneficial sort of set-up. He was not going to fail his
responsibilities because he couldn't straighten stuff out in his own
head. Not again. "I want to make sure you know," he said hoarsely,
staring down at his desk, "that I am... that I wouldn't trade knowing
Jean's alive for anything in the world. I woke up again this morning
terrified that it wouldn't be real, that she was dead and all of this
had just been some sort of hallucination."

Jubilee nodded, chewing at her lower lip for a moment in indecision
before walking forward and crouching before Scott. She hesitated
again, looking at him seriously, fear clear in her eyes before
reaching forward and wrapping her arms around his waist.

'God, what am I doing? He's going to yell, or kill me or throw me out.
But he looked like he could use a hug so badly...' she thought, not
pulling back even though a part of her wanted to run screaming from
the room.

But if it had been Mads or Hank here instead of her, they would have
hugged him. Or, they would have thought about it anyway. Or maybe they
wouldn't have and she was making a mistake again but Gods this
interaction thing was hard.

Scott hesitated, then hugged her back. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his
eyes stinging. "I know how much it hurt all of you who were on the
Blackbird that day, know that she'd... thinking that she'd died to
save us, and I don't want any of you thinking that you shouldn't be
overjoyed that she made it after all."

"It's alright. I'm sorry I made it sound like people were wrong for
being upset. I just didn't understand till Hank explained. He's been
tellin' me to ask, you know? Only, I guess 'Yana was right an I should
have done it in private. I didn't know you were so hurt, an I'm sorry
if I made it worse." Jubilee replied.

Scott gave a rattled laugh, patting her shoulder as gently as he
could. Reassure her, convince her you're all right, and send her on
her way, the small voice of self-preservation at the back of his head
told him. She did not need to know what was going on with him, not
really. "Just in shock, Jubilee, don't worry about me... okay? It's
very hard when you've been trying for two years to come to terms
with..." No, too much detail. "I'm just still processing," he said,
taking refuge in the phrase he'd used with Manuel.

She looked at him shrewdly, brushing away the moisture that had been
gathering in her eyes with her arm before meeting his eyes again.
"Somethin' is bothering you, and it ain't just shock. But I don't
wanna be a jerk ta get it out of ya. Not my right, ya know? But I am
worried about ya, an I know somethin' about how hard it is ta deal
with losin' someone. So if you need to talk, I can listen pretty good
now. Not even interrupt much at all anymore. But if you don't, I can
just go my merry way and we can pretend everythin' is fine if that's
what ya want."

She was eighteen but she knew she wasn't really an adult in their eyes
yet. She didn't think she was the person to do this, he needed an
equal and she wasn't it yet. But that didn't stop her from offering,
even so.

"That's the thing, Jubilee. I didn't really lose her, did I? I just
thought I did." Thought he had and acted like he had, even though part
of him had been fighting what he thought was the truth for so long.
Maybe he should have listened to that part, to his dreams. Maybe it
would have been easier in the end if he had.

Jubilee gazed at him quizzically, not really understanding what he was
getting at. "Um, not sure what you're getting at, Dude. You couldn't
have known she was still alive, so far as you knew she was dead."

"Oh, I know," Scott said, giving her his best Yes, I'm listening,
of course you're right look. Because she was making sense, of
course, and it wasn't anything he hadn't heard already from several
people, but he didn't want to make her think that he was rebuffing
her. Couldn't do that. Would set her back and all of that, and that
would hardly be responsible.

She was treading thin ice right now. If she got Scott upset, Alison
was going to kill her. What should she do? Leave him alone, or press
on? She didn't know, she wasn't sure. But she just couldn't let it go.
She couldn't walk away, not when he looked so much like he was
drowning and needed someone to pull him back.

"Scott, you blamin' yourself for not knowin'?" she asked softly.

"Oh, no. I couldn't have known," he said, somehow managing a light,
almost dismissive tone. "They've managed to convince me of that." And
they had, so that really wasn't the issue anymore.

"Then what is it? What're you blamin' yourself for so hard that it's
got you lookin' like the way you're lookin' right now." Jubilee asked,
eyes intent, mind running on overdrive as she tried to think of the
best words, the best action for her to take here.

"I'm not blaming myself, Jubilee." He met her eyes as levelly as he
could, the facade securely in place now. He couldn't pretend
normality, but 'tired but calm' was something he could do. And he
would. "It's just been a very strange couple of days. I'll be fine.
Just need to get my balance back."

She knew that face, it was her face when she didn't want to deal with
people. It was her 'I'd really rather you not get close to anything
real in me right now as I'm not sure I won't simply crack into a
million pieces' face. She'd never really thought of other people
having that. "No you won't be. But I can't help you, either. So, we'll
pretend everything is okay and I'll smile and say thanks for not being
angry at me anymore and then I'll leave. But it won't be okay, an you
won't be till you actually deal with whatever is bugging you. But
maybe not today. Goodbye, Scott. Try not to keep it in so long that
you give yourself an ulcer, okay?" she replied, voice steady and eyes
calm.

She stood, walking back around the desk and toward the door. She
didn't want to leave but she would. Because it really wasn't about
her, and sometimes people needed to deal in their own time even if it
frustrated the hell out of you because you couldn't help.

The door closed behind her and Scott sank his head into his hands. The
link with Jean was still not accessible, between Charles' shield and
the inhibitor she was apparently wearing, but he could still feel it.
It haunted him, frightened him in a way he hadn't managed to explain
to anyone just yet - although he suspected Charles understood.

All the things he could have said to Jubilee, if she'd been someone he
could have shared them with, kept running through his mind. I'm
tired. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm afraid of wanting anything because
I'll just lose it again...