Amanda, Manuel - Wednesday night
Apr. 20th, 2005 07:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsThe first of what will take a series of talks - in response to this email after this scene in the kitchen, Amanda drops by Manuel's room and they talk about what happened with Meggan, and Amanda's leaving.
Manuel waited nervously for Amanda to arrive - assuming that she would deign to answer her email and agree to his request. There was no guarantee that she would, and the necessary energy to punch through her block over their link together would be A) damaging and B) blatantly obvious.
The link.
What a joke that had become. It was intended to bring them together, and now it was more of a tool to drive them apart. He stared at his bandaged arm as he waited. He'd missed the bond, missed it with a ferocity that had surprised even him. It was amazing, he thought darkly, how quickly one got used to having that warm presence in the back of one's mind, to be able to feel someone right down to their primal drives.
It was irrational, it was absurd, and it was completely unjustified, but Manuel resented the blockage, resented the freezing cold in his mind. He wanted the bond back. And he was prepared to do just about anything to get it back.
At least the weave was off the door. That and the email had done something to help after the incident in the kitchen. The way he'd addressed her, the anger and hate she'd felt squeezing past the blocked link… it had hurt more than a physical blow, and she had been sure he'd never want to talk to her again. A plate of sandwiches in one hand - it hadn't escaped her notice he'd not gotten a chance to eat, when he'd obviously been hungry - she tapped softly on the door, much as she'd done with Nate when she'd gotten back. She didn't say anything - better to listen to him first, gauge the best way to say what she wanted to.
Manuel felt Amanda standing outside, and instead of calling for her to enter, which was his usual instinct, he got up, walked over to the door, and opened it himself. For a second, he let himself feast his eyes on her. She looked well, at least physically. He had cleaned himself up, but he had no illusions that he could successfully hide his fatigue, his lack of restful sleep, or the bags under his eyes. "Amanda." he said as neutrally as he could. "I'm glad you've accepted my invitation. Would you like to come in, or would you prefer to talk someplace more neutral?" he asked her.
Well, that was definitely an improvement to the Manuel who had snapped at her in the kitchen, but she wasn't about to let her guard down and let him shred her emotions again. "The rec room?" she suggested. Manuel's room was too full of memories, both good and bad - neutral ground was a good thing. "I brought you somethin' t' eat, seein' how you didn't get a chance before." Her tone was carefully level, not cold, but not welcoming either. She'd made mistakes in this matter, but she wasn't entirely to blame either. And she was determined to not fold over this. Not when she had Meggan to think about now too.
Maybe she wasn't as ignorant as she seemed. "Rec room would be fine." he said with a smile, then as soon as she stepped back he exited his room and closed his door behind him. He walked to the Rec Room in silence, settling himself into one of the overstuffed chairs and willing himself to relax a little. It didn't work, but trying usually made him feel a little better. He adjusted his shirt a little - a fairly conservative standard button-down for him, left half-undone and, unknown to him, the bandage over the rune over his heart showing. It had been there for about a week now, and more often than not Manuel simply forgot about it.
Just then his stomach rumbled loudly, and Manuel looked embarrassed as he reached for the food she had brought him. He never did actually manage to get something to eat. He got chewed _upon_, true, but it just wasn't the same.
Amanda watched him eat in silence, her eyes fixed on his face after that first initial glimpse of the bandage over the rune. Her rune. She'd become a wound to him then, had she? She'd curled herself into that old defensive position in another of the chairs, set at a strategic distance away - out of reach, but not so far she'd have to raise her voice to make herself heard. "How's yer arm?" she asked at last, eyes flickering to the bandage around his arm.
Manuel glanced at the bandage, and took a last bite of the sandwich she'd brought him. "Relatively clean wound, from what the doctors tell me. Getting some booster shots tomorrow - they have to redo the standards because of the way my body does not tolerate certain medications." he explained, and tried to force himself to relax again. "So where did you dig up that ... her?" he asked helplessly. "She's an empath, you know. I can feel it. Same sort of feeling I got from Danielle when I first met her."
"If you want, I can…" She gestured with her hand, waving her fingers vaguely to imply magic. "Since she's my responsibility an' all." She stressed the pronoun a little, eyes hardening slightly at his slip. "An' _her_ name is Meggan. I found her in Germany, in a cage. The people who owned her had kept her in there since she was a baby, displayin' her as their pet monster. That's what she called herself, when I found her, y'know. Monster." Her voice was flat with the same dull anger she always felt when she thought about the Grgic camp. "They had her up for sale, so I bought her. T' save her."
Manuel bit back the first five or six responses that came to mind as A) detrimental to his health and B) unworthy of him. "That's very interesting. No one should have to live life in a cage." he said neutrally. "And no thank you as to the healing. It's a small matter, unworthy of your talents. Next time I'll be more careful." Next time he'd break that little thing in half if it so much as _felt_ like biting him again.
The wound _itched_, and he had to fight to keep from scratching it.
"I said you were scarin' her," Amanda pointed out quietly. "I've tried t' make her understand bitin's not on, but I don't know how much she understood. I'll keep her out of yer way, tho'." She didn't add that it probably wouldn't be difficult, given how much Meggan had growled about the "bad man". Or that she herself would be keeping out of his way, if that was what he wanted.
Manuel gave in to the urge and scratched idly around the bandage. Absurdly, he felt as if the wound hated him. "I will simply have to be more careful." he said, and scratched again. "I should have known better. But the girl has an impressive amount of anger in her - you might want to be careful yourself."
"Stop scratchin' - it'll get infected," Amanda told him absently, falling into old patterns without thinking, before collecting herself into that tightly-controlled ball again. "An' Meggan would never hurt me." The last was spoken with utmost conviction.
Manuel smiled thinly. "Perhaps. Perhaps not. I sincerely hope that your conviction is never tested." he said without any air of threat or menace whatsoever. "Children can be quite volatile." He tried to stop scratching the bandaged wound, but only managed to delay the inevitable. It itched too much to stop.
"She won't," Amanda repeated steadfastly, before falling into silence again. Words were clamouring in her head to be spoken, everything from accusations to pleas to be forgiven, but she had to do this calmly, think before she spoke. Words lied, all the time, but they were all they had right now with the link blocked. "I... wanted t' apologise," she said at last. "I should have told you what I knew. I wanted to, only..." She chewed on her lip before forcing the words out. "I was scared."
Manuel nodded. Now they were getting to the good stuff. "I understand." he said, giving her words and feelings careful consideration. "I was so far out of line in threatening to pry it from your skull that, as Katherine would say, the light from me being in-line may reach us before we both grow old and die." he said truthfully. "But as I think you've since figured out, I do not take being lied to very well."
"That's why I left," she said. "Not 'cause I was scared of you an' yer powers, but 'cause if you'd done what you said, if you'd made me tell you, then that would've been it for us. For you tryin' t' be a better person." Her eyes burned, and she closed them for a moment, willing the tears away. They had no place here - she wanted to be rational about this, not emotional. "I know I should've said, but... how could I tell me boyfriend that his father had someone killed as a warnin' t' me? If there'd been an easy way t' tell you, I would've done it. But there wasn't, an' either way you were gunna be hurt."
"It hurt." he admitted after a moment's consideration. "You running. It hurt a lot. Like you didn't trust me, like you thought I was going to rip it from your skull and then go do to your Uncle Pete what he did to my father, if not something worse." he said as neutrally as he could manage. "I know that I am not a good person. I am trying, but when you left me, when your cowardice ruled you, it got to me right there." he said, patting his bandaged chest. "And your uncle is safe from me - if he could assassinate my father, on his own grounds, through his own protection detail, then I would stand little chance at all." he confessed. "And furthermore, I do not truly want revenge. Alphonso was a shit, a waste of flesh and blood that wiped his ass with my family's honor."
"You were actin' crazy," she pointed out as calmly as she could. "I didn't know what you'd do. Fuck, I didn't expect you t' threaten t' use yer powers on me t' make me tell you, so when you did... I had no clue whether you would or not. An' you told me t' go. You told me t' get out of yer sight, an' you hated me when you said it. What else could I fuckin' well do but go?
"I was _grieving_! Does a son's grief mean _nothing_ to you?" he exclaimed, then brought himself under control. "Never mind. We are not having this discussion right now. Thank you for the sandwich. I suppose I shall see you around, from time to time." he said, standing up and bowing to her mockingly. "Good day."
"So that's it?" Amanda asked, standing also. "Everythin' we've said an' done for each other, an' that's the only chance you're gunna give this?" Anger laced her words, and determination. She'd run once, and that had damaged them more than she'd realised, but she wouldn't run this time. It was time to see if this relationship of theirs was worth fighting for. "An' no, grief doesn't mean anythin' t' me - how the fuck could it? I didn't have a family for most of me life, never lost anyone I cared 'bout, not for good. Fuck, I never _cared_ 'bout anyone before I came here! All I know is yer father hurt me, an' nearly killed you, an' then had Pete's dad killed t' make a fuckin' _point_! So I can't feel bad that he's dead. But you do, an' I'm tryin' t' understand that. Now. But then, I couldn't. That's why I ran, that's why I wasn't here for you. 'Cause it felt like you were throwin' everythin' I'd done t' save you from him back in me face." She reached out and took his arm, to stop him from walking away from her. "I don't want this t' end. But if you're gunna hate me, then I can't make you feel any different. That's not how I do things any more. But I won't let this happen without at least tryin' t' fix it."
Manuel stopped, and let her hand on his arm keep him in place. "So my grief is meaningless to you, is what you are telling me. A human being is _dead_, a line ends, and it's just another day in the park? Have you ever felt anyone die, Amanda? Watched as everything that they are, everything they will _ever be_ is slowly stripped away as neurons die and signals stop? It's a horrible thing, and I would think that your magickal training would have tried to explain that to you." he said bitterly. "Do you want me to tell you that he was a horrible person! I confess it freely! My father was a miserable person who paid good money to have you beaten badly as a warning to me. I _know this_. I have accepted it. Your uncle is an _assassin_, Amanda! What do you think he does while he's gone for those long periods of time, sit down for tea and crumpets with the fucking _QUEEN_?" he hissed. "And people think I'm the amoral monster around here. So yeah, I feel bad that he's gone. For all the reasons that don't mean one shit to you."
"I told you, I'm _tryin'_! Yer grief ain't meaningless - 's yers, an' I'm tryin' t' separate how you feel from how I feel. But it's bloody fuckin' hard, especially when all I know of him is what he did t' both of us." Amanda tried to explain, knowing she was making a mess of this. What was the point, when they would never agree on this? Maybe it would be better to declare things over, break the link and go their separate ways - it was a big school, they could try and avoid each other. "I know what Pete is. He kills people, yeah. But he's also the first person t' give a shit 'bout me, t' stick around an' try an' help me. He's the one who killed Rack, when the bastard would've killed both of us. He's family, an' he's never let me forget that, even when I wanted him to. An' I can't forget what he's done for me, just as you can't forget that the man he killed was yer father." She let her hand reluctantly drop from his arm, releasing him. "The line ain't ended, Manny. Yer father disownin' you, all that legal stuff? 'S just words. Blood's stronger 'n that, always will be, an' you'll always be a de la Rocha."
Manuel smiled thinly at Amanda. "Maybe to you." he said softly. "Not to me, and not to the assassinated man in Spain. Which reminds me, I need to formally go about changing my name." he said. "Do you want to know him better? Not that I think it will do one lick of difference, but then you can't say I didn't try."
Raising her chin a little defiantly, Amanda looked directly into his eyes. "You want t' tell me, I'll listen." She smiled humourlessly. "Then you can't say I didn't try either."
Manuel grinned at Amanda. Finally, she was standing her own ground! A much better improvement over the simpering buggering-off-to-Europe Amanda. "Well, you see, let me start at the beginning..." he said, then stopped himself. "This is a long tale. Let me go get something to drink before I start. Do you want anything?" he asked her.
She shook her head and curled back into the chair. "Not right now," she said, making herself comfortable. "I'll be here when you get back." Another humourless smile. "This time."
Manuel quirked an eyebrow, but let her statement stand unchallenged.
Manuel waited nervously for Amanda to arrive - assuming that she would deign to answer her email and agree to his request. There was no guarantee that she would, and the necessary energy to punch through her block over their link together would be A) damaging and B) blatantly obvious.
The link.
What a joke that had become. It was intended to bring them together, and now it was more of a tool to drive them apart. He stared at his bandaged arm as he waited. He'd missed the bond, missed it with a ferocity that had surprised even him. It was amazing, he thought darkly, how quickly one got used to having that warm presence in the back of one's mind, to be able to feel someone right down to their primal drives.
It was irrational, it was absurd, and it was completely unjustified, but Manuel resented the blockage, resented the freezing cold in his mind. He wanted the bond back. And he was prepared to do just about anything to get it back.
At least the weave was off the door. That and the email had done something to help after the incident in the kitchen. The way he'd addressed her, the anger and hate she'd felt squeezing past the blocked link… it had hurt more than a physical blow, and she had been sure he'd never want to talk to her again. A plate of sandwiches in one hand - it hadn't escaped her notice he'd not gotten a chance to eat, when he'd obviously been hungry - she tapped softly on the door, much as she'd done with Nate when she'd gotten back. She didn't say anything - better to listen to him first, gauge the best way to say what she wanted to.
Manuel felt Amanda standing outside, and instead of calling for her to enter, which was his usual instinct, he got up, walked over to the door, and opened it himself. For a second, he let himself feast his eyes on her. She looked well, at least physically. He had cleaned himself up, but he had no illusions that he could successfully hide his fatigue, his lack of restful sleep, or the bags under his eyes. "Amanda." he said as neutrally as he could. "I'm glad you've accepted my invitation. Would you like to come in, or would you prefer to talk someplace more neutral?" he asked her.
Well, that was definitely an improvement to the Manuel who had snapped at her in the kitchen, but she wasn't about to let her guard down and let him shred her emotions again. "The rec room?" she suggested. Manuel's room was too full of memories, both good and bad - neutral ground was a good thing. "I brought you somethin' t' eat, seein' how you didn't get a chance before." Her tone was carefully level, not cold, but not welcoming either. She'd made mistakes in this matter, but she wasn't entirely to blame either. And she was determined to not fold over this. Not when she had Meggan to think about now too.
Maybe she wasn't as ignorant as she seemed. "Rec room would be fine." he said with a smile, then as soon as she stepped back he exited his room and closed his door behind him. He walked to the Rec Room in silence, settling himself into one of the overstuffed chairs and willing himself to relax a little. It didn't work, but trying usually made him feel a little better. He adjusted his shirt a little - a fairly conservative standard button-down for him, left half-undone and, unknown to him, the bandage over the rune over his heart showing. It had been there for about a week now, and more often than not Manuel simply forgot about it.
Just then his stomach rumbled loudly, and Manuel looked embarrassed as he reached for the food she had brought him. He never did actually manage to get something to eat. He got chewed _upon_, true, but it just wasn't the same.
Amanda watched him eat in silence, her eyes fixed on his face after that first initial glimpse of the bandage over the rune. Her rune. She'd become a wound to him then, had she? She'd curled herself into that old defensive position in another of the chairs, set at a strategic distance away - out of reach, but not so far she'd have to raise her voice to make herself heard. "How's yer arm?" she asked at last, eyes flickering to the bandage around his arm.
Manuel glanced at the bandage, and took a last bite of the sandwich she'd brought him. "Relatively clean wound, from what the doctors tell me. Getting some booster shots tomorrow - they have to redo the standards because of the way my body does not tolerate certain medications." he explained, and tried to force himself to relax again. "So where did you dig up that ... her?" he asked helplessly. "She's an empath, you know. I can feel it. Same sort of feeling I got from Danielle when I first met her."
"If you want, I can…" She gestured with her hand, waving her fingers vaguely to imply magic. "Since she's my responsibility an' all." She stressed the pronoun a little, eyes hardening slightly at his slip. "An' _her_ name is Meggan. I found her in Germany, in a cage. The people who owned her had kept her in there since she was a baby, displayin' her as their pet monster. That's what she called herself, when I found her, y'know. Monster." Her voice was flat with the same dull anger she always felt when she thought about the Grgic camp. "They had her up for sale, so I bought her. T' save her."
Manuel bit back the first five or six responses that came to mind as A) detrimental to his health and B) unworthy of him. "That's very interesting. No one should have to live life in a cage." he said neutrally. "And no thank you as to the healing. It's a small matter, unworthy of your talents. Next time I'll be more careful." Next time he'd break that little thing in half if it so much as _felt_ like biting him again.
The wound _itched_, and he had to fight to keep from scratching it.
"I said you were scarin' her," Amanda pointed out quietly. "I've tried t' make her understand bitin's not on, but I don't know how much she understood. I'll keep her out of yer way, tho'." She didn't add that it probably wouldn't be difficult, given how much Meggan had growled about the "bad man". Or that she herself would be keeping out of his way, if that was what he wanted.
Manuel gave in to the urge and scratched idly around the bandage. Absurdly, he felt as if the wound hated him. "I will simply have to be more careful." he said, and scratched again. "I should have known better. But the girl has an impressive amount of anger in her - you might want to be careful yourself."
"Stop scratchin' - it'll get infected," Amanda told him absently, falling into old patterns without thinking, before collecting herself into that tightly-controlled ball again. "An' Meggan would never hurt me." The last was spoken with utmost conviction.
Manuel smiled thinly. "Perhaps. Perhaps not. I sincerely hope that your conviction is never tested." he said without any air of threat or menace whatsoever. "Children can be quite volatile." He tried to stop scratching the bandaged wound, but only managed to delay the inevitable. It itched too much to stop.
"She won't," Amanda repeated steadfastly, before falling into silence again. Words were clamouring in her head to be spoken, everything from accusations to pleas to be forgiven, but she had to do this calmly, think before she spoke. Words lied, all the time, but they were all they had right now with the link blocked. "I... wanted t' apologise," she said at last. "I should have told you what I knew. I wanted to, only..." She chewed on her lip before forcing the words out. "I was scared."
Manuel nodded. Now they were getting to the good stuff. "I understand." he said, giving her words and feelings careful consideration. "I was so far out of line in threatening to pry it from your skull that, as Katherine would say, the light from me being in-line may reach us before we both grow old and die." he said truthfully. "But as I think you've since figured out, I do not take being lied to very well."
"That's why I left," she said. "Not 'cause I was scared of you an' yer powers, but 'cause if you'd done what you said, if you'd made me tell you, then that would've been it for us. For you tryin' t' be a better person." Her eyes burned, and she closed them for a moment, willing the tears away. They had no place here - she wanted to be rational about this, not emotional. "I know I should've said, but... how could I tell me boyfriend that his father had someone killed as a warnin' t' me? If there'd been an easy way t' tell you, I would've done it. But there wasn't, an' either way you were gunna be hurt."
"It hurt." he admitted after a moment's consideration. "You running. It hurt a lot. Like you didn't trust me, like you thought I was going to rip it from your skull and then go do to your Uncle Pete what he did to my father, if not something worse." he said as neutrally as he could manage. "I know that I am not a good person. I am trying, but when you left me, when your cowardice ruled you, it got to me right there." he said, patting his bandaged chest. "And your uncle is safe from me - if he could assassinate my father, on his own grounds, through his own protection detail, then I would stand little chance at all." he confessed. "And furthermore, I do not truly want revenge. Alphonso was a shit, a waste of flesh and blood that wiped his ass with my family's honor."
"You were actin' crazy," she pointed out as calmly as she could. "I didn't know what you'd do. Fuck, I didn't expect you t' threaten t' use yer powers on me t' make me tell you, so when you did... I had no clue whether you would or not. An' you told me t' go. You told me t' get out of yer sight, an' you hated me when you said it. What else could I fuckin' well do but go?
"I was _grieving_! Does a son's grief mean _nothing_ to you?" he exclaimed, then brought himself under control. "Never mind. We are not having this discussion right now. Thank you for the sandwich. I suppose I shall see you around, from time to time." he said, standing up and bowing to her mockingly. "Good day."
"So that's it?" Amanda asked, standing also. "Everythin' we've said an' done for each other, an' that's the only chance you're gunna give this?" Anger laced her words, and determination. She'd run once, and that had damaged them more than she'd realised, but she wouldn't run this time. It was time to see if this relationship of theirs was worth fighting for. "An' no, grief doesn't mean anythin' t' me - how the fuck could it? I didn't have a family for most of me life, never lost anyone I cared 'bout, not for good. Fuck, I never _cared_ 'bout anyone before I came here! All I know is yer father hurt me, an' nearly killed you, an' then had Pete's dad killed t' make a fuckin' _point_! So I can't feel bad that he's dead. But you do, an' I'm tryin' t' understand that. Now. But then, I couldn't. That's why I ran, that's why I wasn't here for you. 'Cause it felt like you were throwin' everythin' I'd done t' save you from him back in me face." She reached out and took his arm, to stop him from walking away from her. "I don't want this t' end. But if you're gunna hate me, then I can't make you feel any different. That's not how I do things any more. But I won't let this happen without at least tryin' t' fix it."
Manuel stopped, and let her hand on his arm keep him in place. "So my grief is meaningless to you, is what you are telling me. A human being is _dead_, a line ends, and it's just another day in the park? Have you ever felt anyone die, Amanda? Watched as everything that they are, everything they will _ever be_ is slowly stripped away as neurons die and signals stop? It's a horrible thing, and I would think that your magickal training would have tried to explain that to you." he said bitterly. "Do you want me to tell you that he was a horrible person! I confess it freely! My father was a miserable person who paid good money to have you beaten badly as a warning to me. I _know this_. I have accepted it. Your uncle is an _assassin_, Amanda! What do you think he does while he's gone for those long periods of time, sit down for tea and crumpets with the fucking _QUEEN_?" he hissed. "And people think I'm the amoral monster around here. So yeah, I feel bad that he's gone. For all the reasons that don't mean one shit to you."
"I told you, I'm _tryin'_! Yer grief ain't meaningless - 's yers, an' I'm tryin' t' separate how you feel from how I feel. But it's bloody fuckin' hard, especially when all I know of him is what he did t' both of us." Amanda tried to explain, knowing she was making a mess of this. What was the point, when they would never agree on this? Maybe it would be better to declare things over, break the link and go their separate ways - it was a big school, they could try and avoid each other. "I know what Pete is. He kills people, yeah. But he's also the first person t' give a shit 'bout me, t' stick around an' try an' help me. He's the one who killed Rack, when the bastard would've killed both of us. He's family, an' he's never let me forget that, even when I wanted him to. An' I can't forget what he's done for me, just as you can't forget that the man he killed was yer father." She let her hand reluctantly drop from his arm, releasing him. "The line ain't ended, Manny. Yer father disownin' you, all that legal stuff? 'S just words. Blood's stronger 'n that, always will be, an' you'll always be a de la Rocha."
Manuel smiled thinly at Amanda. "Maybe to you." he said softly. "Not to me, and not to the assassinated man in Spain. Which reminds me, I need to formally go about changing my name." he said. "Do you want to know him better? Not that I think it will do one lick of difference, but then you can't say I didn't try."
Raising her chin a little defiantly, Amanda looked directly into his eyes. "You want t' tell me, I'll listen." She smiled humourlessly. "Then you can't say I didn't try either."
Manuel grinned at Amanda. Finally, she was standing her own ground! A much better improvement over the simpering buggering-off-to-Europe Amanda. "Well, you see, let me start at the beginning..." he said, then stopped himself. "This is a long tale. Let me go get something to drink before I start. Do you want anything?" he asked her.
She shook her head and curled back into the chair. "Not right now," she said, making herself comfortable. "I'll be here when you get back." Another humourless smile. "This time."
Manuel quirked an eyebrow, but let her statement stand unchallenged.
