Jean and Hank

[x-jeangrey.livejournal.com]

Jean tries to convince Hank that he is not allowed to be self-deprecating about his own pain. She doesn't manage it, but she does provide distraction, so some small success was had.



ean blinked at the little clock in the corner of the computer. When on earth had it gotten so late? Hank would be down in a few minutes and she was still buried in the file system. She saved he notes and shut down the program she was working on, pushing away from the computer to clean up the debris from her shift before he got there.

Hank caught her in mid clutter-collection, smiling a little. It was kind of cute. "Good evening," he said softly, checking her wrist. Damn. No inhibitor. Just when he didn't want her picking up on his thoughts. He tried to pull the happier ones to the front of his mind. "How is Forge? Has he gotten to sleep yet?"

"Nodded off over some notes about half an hour ago," she said, having felt the change in his thoughts even through her distraction with the files. Jean eyed him, feeling him pull up the cover over his thoughts, but having been too distracted to hear what had caused it. "I take it we're wanting me to not notice that something's up?"

"Noticing wench," Hank said resignedly. "Scott and I... well, we didn't argue, exactly. We had... a misunderstanding, I suppose you'd call it. And I'm not very happy with myself over it."

"I am that, indeed. And I'm sorry to hear that." She set down her coffee cup and moved over to his side to give him a hug. "Want to talk about it or want me to make with the not-noticing-outloud?"

He returned the hug, indulging himself in a moment of resting his head on her shoulder. "I'm fine," he said quietly. "It's... not important. I mean, not that it's unimportant, but it's not so important that I should be making any big deal of it." He'd been complaining far too much, of late. Making other people deal with troubles that were only really important to him.

"Uh huh." She arched an eyebrow at him. "Pull the other one, Hank, it's got bells on. If there's something upsetting you, it's important. And it obviously is a bit of a deal, cause you seem pretty worked up."

Hank sighed. "I... upset him. He was trying to be businesslike, and I took it the wrong way. He already has enough to deal with, I shouldn't have added to it." He looked away. "I've been dumping on other people a great deal, of late, what with... my feelings for Madelyn, and other things. Which was really a very trivial problem, in the context of some of the others here in the Mansion."

"Hey, hey, hey," Jean said, catching his chin to pull his gaze back. "Stop that, Hank. Look, it may not be coming back from the dead, but there's nothing trivial about fearing a broken heart or preparing to be a father. Scott's preoccupied by whatever, sure, but that doesn't mean the rest of us haven't got time for you, or are any less willing to be there for you than we always are. Or even any less willing to make you let us be there for you. I won't have you thinking your problems don't matter."

"I..." He slumped a little, meeting her eyes reluctantly. "It's petty," he said quietly. "To be hurt, that he wasn't happy for me. I know how hard coping with everything must be for him, right now, and it's unfair to expect him to be able to put all that aside just for me. But it did hurt... he didn't even mention it, until I did. And he knows how much I've wanted to be a parent, and for how long."

"Oh, Hank," she said softly before folding him into another, longer hug. "I don't know what to say. It's not petty. You have as much of a right to your hurt as he has to his. And I'm sorry... It seems silly to be sorry for being one of his distractions, but I am."

He returned the hug. "I just... I'm not sure he even really noticed," he said softly. "And there are very few people I'm closer to, than I am to Scott. Or so I thought." He sighed. "Of course, I've been so caught up in all this that I haven't really been there for him, either... I was just so happy, I didn't think..."

"Blaming yourself for being happy is absolutely not allowed. I can't believe that he's not happy that you're happy, and if things were different he'd be the first on the line of people to wish you all you're due in the happiness department. But you know as well as I do that he's not great at emotional multi-tasking."

"I know." Hank nodded, still holding on tightly. "I know it's unfair, I do, and I feel rotten for even thinking about it... but there's a part of me that insists on remembering all the times I've been alone and unhappy, and managed to be happy for him anyway, when he wasn't. Now, finally, I'm not..." His eyes stung. "And I know it's not fair to Scott to compare the two, being lonely isn't at all the same thing as having Pete defect and you return from the dead and all the other things that are going wrong right now... but it still hurt."

Jean pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Hank, comparing the two is just as unfair to you as it is to Scott, especially since it leads to you demeaning your unhappiness. You're allowed to be hurt, although I'd suggest, once you're feeling up to it, to talk to him about it when he's -not- being business-like."

Hank shook his head. "I've made this hard enough for him already," he said quietly. "He's trying to cope with so much... maybe when things have settled down... a lot... we can talk, but... not now." It was bad enough now. If he went running to Scott to whine about his hurt feelings and petty troubles, then Scott would have every right to resent him for it, to resent having yet another weight added to his shoulders... and that would only make everything worse.

"Heard that," Jean said, giving him a Look. "You're troubles are not petty, and Scott would not have any right nor reason to resent you. This would be where the qualifiers 'when you're feeling up to it', which you certainly are not now, and 'when he's not being business-like' came in. I'm saying don't let this fester, Hank. Hurt, because you have every right to be hurt, but don't bury this forever."

"I will not distract him from the myriad problems he's trying to keep under control just because my feelings are hurt," Hank said quietly. "It's bad enough that you know how childish I'm being. The last thing he needs - or that I want - is for him to know too."

"That's fair, although I maintain you are not being childish." She hugged him tightly before finally stepping back. "And I won't interfere, I promise."

He let go a little reluctantly, nodding. "I won't make you promise anything," he said, smiling a little ruefully. "Promises of silence and non-intervention tend to go wildly astray, hereabouts. I just... would rather he didn't know that I'm so petty as be upset because he didn't make sufficient fuss over my good news." He took a deep breath, blinking quickly. "I'm sorry. I'm a little overemotional just at present, I think."

"I'm going to avoid the obvious joke about overemotional prospective parents." Jean reached up to cup his cheek, running a thumb over his fur. "You have a right to be upset, and you're not being petty, and you're one of my best friends and I love you, so I'll stop talking about it."

"I love you too," he said softly. "And... I'm sorry to be dumping all this on you. You have your own troubles, and I shouldn't add to them."

"I'd shake you, but it wouldn't do any good," she said. "You are not adding to my troubles. You are giving me a chance to stop thinking about myself and concentrate on one of my favorite people in the whole world and try to make said favorite person feel better. I like helping people, hence the whole medical school thing, and I want to be able to help you, Hank, because you're my friend."

He smiled a small, unhappy smile. "Well, if it makes you happy to help, then by all means," he said softly. "I would deny you nothing, my dear." It did help, to know she cared. "I just... feel down, at the moment. The trouble with Scott, and... I'm starting to worry that Madelyn's changed her mind. She brought me tea, once, but aside from that she hasn't said or done anything... And I don't know what to do. She said, at first, that she wished to ask me out on a date, and she hasn't, and I'm afraid that if I ask her she'll think I'm pushing, and I'm afraid that she hasn't because she's changed her mind and just hasn't found a chance to say so, what with Forge's injuries and all...."

"Well, my money's on 'she hasn't found a chance to ask for said date, what with Forge's injuries and all', but then, I'm fairly convinced she's got it pretty bad for you. But I think she's only recently come to realize that herself, so it's taking a bit to sink in."

"Maybe." Hank looked down at his hands. "And this is, I suppose, a perfectly normal psychological response to a sudden spate of happiness... there's an inevitable let-down after any joyful event, let alone two occurring so close together. It makes perfect sense, and I know that I'm probably imagining most of it and that it won't seem so bad in the morning." He took a deep, slightly wobbly breath. "But right at this moment," he said quietly, "knowing that Scott is too busy for me, and not being able to talk to Maddie as I otherwise would because I'm afraid of screwing up somehow.... I feel more alone than I did before."

"Aw, Hank." She was hugging him again in a flash. "There are times when the intellectual knowing and the emotional feeling completely fail to mesh, I know. Look, I've got the morning shift, so I can't stay up with you all night, but how about I go get us cocoa and a movie or two, and I'll stick around for a couple hours?"

He nodded. "I... that would be wonderful. Thank you." He hugged back tightly. She was right. Intellectually, he knew that he was getting worked up over nothing, that Maddie and Scott were just busy, but knowing that didn't make him feel any less lonely or miserable. And knowing that he was being foolish only made him feel worse. "Something not at all romantic. And with no children. We can both forget our worries for a while in something with lots of action and explosions."

"Action and explosions, gotcha. This sounds like a job for Lethal Weapons 1 through whatever. I'll go get the movies, you get your mug."